What, You Don't Know What A "Patter Patter" Is?

So the boy had his first official gym class today (last week was a trial run). I honestly don't know whether to laugh my ass off, or cry at what happened today. So since this is a gym, they have a couple of sets of parallel bars for the kids. On the poles that hold up...the other bars...they have a protective padding that goes around them (does that make sense? The ones going down to the floor that the kids could run into if they aren't careful...follow?). Anyway, apparently my son did NOT want to do any of the stuff the teacher was trying to get him to do. Instead he kept telling the teacher, "I watch." And then he directed my mom to sit and watch him. She said he would run over to the bars with the protective padding, and reach up as far as his little hands could reach, and then slide then down as fast as possible, landing on his butt. Then he would stand up really quickly, touch the floor, touch his head, and then run to the other set of bars about 5 feet away. He would then try and turn the knob on the other bars (to adjust the height I assume) and look at my mom and hold his arms out and go, "SSSSHHHHHHH!!!!" And then he would start all over again. Apparently he did this the entire class.



As my mother is telling me this I am freaking out thinking of OCD boy having to touch the ground and then his head, and then SSSHHHHH, and then...what the fuck? Dear God, my child has completely lost his mind. But I can tell by the amusement in my mom's voice that she isn't overly concerned with his NUTSO behaviour. I am mortified by the fact that he isn't participating in any of the class and by the way, WHAT IN THE HELL WAS HE DOING? Well after about the 5th time he did it she finally said, "Boy, WHAT are you doing?" He stopped what he was doing and looked over at her and said, "I paying patter patter Gigi." Like, duh. Ummm...excuse me? Again, and with added irritation this time, "Patter Patter Gigi!!!" Well she finally got it.



The Boy was playing fire fighter. He is currently obsessed with all things fire trucks (and scooper trucks, and dump trucks, and garbage trucks...) right now. And I bought him some DVD that he LOVES that shows all about being a fire fighter and what it entails and what they do on a daily basis. So now, allow me to decipher for you exactly what The Boy was doing.



When he was running his hands up to the top of the pole, and then landing on his butt, he was sliding down the pole. Then when he was touching the ground and then his head, he was apparently placing his hat on his head. Then when he was running over to the knob on the other poles and turning them, he was actually attaching the hose to the fire hydrant. And finally, as I am sure you have guessed by now, the final "SSSSHHHHH" was the water being sprayed onto the fire to put it out. Makes perfect sense, doesn't it?



Good lord. All the other children are swinging from the bars, jumping on the trampolines, doing somersaults on the mats and singing songs. But not my kid. Nope. He was playing patter patter. I apparently shelled out big bucks so my son could have his own little make believe fire house.

The Good With the Bad

Okay so since I never heard back from my doctor about the blood test, I decided I would try and call one more time before I drove over to some random Planned Parenthood to get a blood test. (Don't laugh, I was seriously going to do it!) I finally got an assistant to my doctor on the phone who told me that I had two options. One, I could get an HCG test where they basically do a blood test to confirm pregnancy. The other option was to get TWO tests, 72 hours apart, where they could look at levels and "help determine exactly how far along I was." I laughed a little inside because she clearly didn't know that I can basically pinpoint exactly when I ovulated and conceived. But obviously I chose option number two. And because I am an idiot, I totally felt the need to explain to the lady on the phone that with my last pregnancy, I went through the infertility clinic and therefore was used to much more reassurance...and I hope she didn't think I was obnoxious but...I really needed to get some sort of confirmation that things were going okay before a 12 week appointment...and... And really, I don't think she gave a shit. I was trying to make sure that I didn't get that evil black mark of "ANNOYING PATIENT" on my file this early on in my pregnancy. But I probably should have just said thanks to the test and hung up. I always seem to take it a bit too far.

So that's the good part of this email. I took my little happy self over to my doctors appointment and gladly stuck out my arm for the blood test. I think I might have even skipped a little bit on the way out. I have my second lab slip with me for when I go back in 72 hours.

And here's the bad part. Even though I am a bookkeeper, I clearly cannot to the math of 72 hours in my head. I took the first blood test Tuesday afternoon at around 3:00pm. So that would make the second test on...Friday afternoon. And herein lies the problem. I am going up to my cabin in the mountains for the Labor Day weekend. And I am leaving on Friday. And I am leaving at 7:30am. And I am going with 3 other people and my son. None of those people (myself included) would like to push back our departure time to a later time so that I can get my blood test. It takes about 5 hours to get to my cabin and the hope would be that we would arrive before lunchtime so we can have as much time up there as possible. We will be leaving on Sunday instead of Monday because I refuse to drive home on Labor Day with all the other gazillion people who will be on the road. In that scenario, a 5 hour car ride turns into an 8 hour car ride and that is simply unacceptable. I will lose my mind. But I digress...

So now I have to call my doctor's office back AGAIN and see if I should go in for the other blood test on Thursday afternoon, or if I should wait until Tuesday to do it. I pushed and pushed to get my two blood tests so that I could get some relief and hopefully quell some of this anxiety and it seems to have had a reverse effect. Damnit. BUT, I would like to point out that if my doctors office had called me back on Monday and I was able to get the first blood test on Monday afternoon, then this wouldn't be a problem at all. I'm just sayin'...

When I'm Wrong, I'm Wrong...

Okay so I'll admit it. I should have allowed The Boy to go on this medicine sooner than I did. It seems to be having amazing results. The kid is eating more than he ever has eaten in his life. Case in point: Last night for dinner he ate a half of a chicken breast (!!), about 10 "trees" of broccoli, an entire bowl of corn and an entire bowl of salad (which is really just the lettuce with ranch dressing on it). Then he took his vitamins and scarfed down his 10 M&M's that he gets after taking his vitamins. Holy crap! I love it. Yes, he is more tired than usual, but I am giving him the doses of his medication before nap time and before bed time and it seems to be just fine. I am woman enough to admit when I am wrong, and I seem to have been quite wrong in this case. Mental note: listen to the doctors damnit! :)

Oh, and I never heard back from my doctors office yesterday. Sigh...

Ummm....what?!?!

So I called the doctor this morning and expected she would say, "Congrats! We will leave the lab slip at the front desk so just come on by anytime and pick it up and head next door for your blood work." Well that isn't what they said. She said to me, "Ok so you want to schedule an appointment with Dr T. to discuss your prenatal care?"

Ummm...no. I am good with the whole prenatal care thing. And when were you planning on scheduling that anyway? Around 12 weeks? Uh uh. No, thank you. I nicely explained (while the panic rose in my throat) that lovely nurse practitioner B had said that when I had a positive pregnancy test, I could come in for a blood test. So that is what I was calling for. She seemed confused and told me she would take my number and get back to me sometime today.

Is she serious? Do they expect me to carry on right now WITHOUT a blood test? Do they not know me? Good lord. So I sit awaiting my phone call back from the doctor...

I'm Going To Let Him Tell You...

And he's VERY excited about it.  :)  In case you can't read his shirt, it says he is going to be a big brother.  That's right.  Pregnant.  Holy shit.

I had been testing everyday and on Saturday morning I got a VERY faint shadow of a line.  But a line is a line is a line, right?  I had The Ex and my mom look at it and they both most definitely saw a line.  So I was pretty confident.  One might say a little too confident...

So this morning when I woke up (at 5:45am, mind you) I peed again and fully expected to see a darker line.  But I didn't.  There didn't seem to be a line at all.  I couldn't believe it.  I went back and looked at yesterday's test to compare and there was definitely a line there yesterday and if you turned the test in the right direction...and the light was hitting it just right...there might be a line on today's test.  But it was most definitely lighter than the one yesterday.  Is it going away already?  Had it only been there for a day?  Holy crap.  I layed in bed and lamented the fact that I had gotten cocky.  Yesterday after 3 different people confirmed seeing a line I went online and ordered a bouquet of flowers to be delivered to my Dad and my step mom with a card that read, "Congratulations, you are going to be grandparents...AGAIN!!"  Those flowers are set to be delivered on Monday.  So I layed in bed and tried to figure out how I could cancel the damn flowers and how I had let myself get so cocky and stupid.  Damn line.  Totally foiled me.

So after about 2 hours of doing this, I decided to pee on another stick.  Why I didn't do this earlier, I guess I just didn't see the point.  Plus in my head I had peed on Saturday at around 10:00am so I thought if I waited until that apparently "magic time" again, then maybe the line would miraculously show up.  But most of all, I just didn't want to be disappointed.  I knew if I tested again and there really wasn't a line, then I was screwed.  Two tests couldn't be wrong.

My mom and step dad had bought me a package of 4 tests at Cost.co yesterday.  It was one of those tests that I had used this morning.  So I dug out the last of the tests that I had bought at the pharmacy last week (I read the expiration dates on them to know which one was from which batch) and used that one.  I left the bathroom for the appointed 3 minutes, and even gave it an extra couple of minutes for good measure.  Then I went in to check.

There was my line.  It was definitely there, and it was definitely darker than the one from yesterday.  Thank God!!  I was so relieved and I vowed right then and there to not take any moment of this pregnancy for granted.  Since then I have gotten more tests from the pharmacy and I used one of my new ones and one of the Cost.co ones with the same batch of pee.  The Cost.co one was WAY lighter than the other one.  My mom later told me that they didn't realize it when they bought it but when they got home they realized that the package of tests had been opened and then taped shut again.  But all 4 tests were there, and they are individually wrapped so I have no idea what happened.  My line now shows up on the Cost.co tests as well, but it is just not nearly as dark as the other tests.

So I guess I don't have to cancel the flowers.  I told my brother and my sister in law today.  People are shocked.  NO ONE except my mom knew that I was even thinking of doing this.  So it is coming as quite a surprise.  Add into that the fact that I am recently single and I think people's major reaction is, "What the hell is she thinking?"  But I don't care.  I know what I was thinking.  This child was planned for months and months and months and couldn't possibly be more wanted.  Now I just have to get it here.  Tomorrow I will call my OB and go in for a blood test.  I am not sure of the protocol here.  Last time I got pregnant, I was with the REI department, so I had several blood tests to check BETA's and an ultrasound every two weeks.  I know that isn't going to happen here, but I am not sure what is.  I mean, do they just call with confirmation of ONE blood test and say, "We'll see you when you're 12 weeks along?"  Cause that just really isn't going to work for me.  At the very least, I need at least a couple of blood tests to make sure numbers are doubling and stuff.

So, as of now, we are pregnant.  Holy shit.  And yesterday The Boy peed on the potty 4 different times in like 20 minutes.  Big things are happening in the long haul household.  Big things indeed.  :)

Testing- Faceplants

I have been trying to upload video all night and I appear to have been unsuccessful.  So I am going to try and link to my You Tube page where this is published.  Let's try it from here.  I am still going to try and figure out how to get some video up here on the blog without a link, but for now, let's see if this works...

The OT antics of my lovely son...

So...could you watch it?  Let me know...

The medicine, days one and two

Okay so the update on the medicine.  It has been interesting.  Yesterday was the first day that he took it all day.  I sent it to school so he could take it with lunch because he goes down for a nap shortly after lunch time.  So she did all of that and I guess she had to wake him up 2 1/2 hours later (my mom was going to be there to pick him up like 45 minutes later so he needed to get up) because he was still sleeping.  When my mom got home with him he was acting like a kid who was woken up from a nap.  More specifically, he was acting like a kid who missed his nap.  Wow was he unpleasant!  He screamed about taking a bath, he didn't want anything to do with me at all and kept repeating "Go way Mommy!" with a  very stern look on his face, he was just charming.  

He finally started acting human around dinner time and I will say that he ate a good amount.  He ate like 5 bites of mahi mahi, he ate all of his broccoli (which was like 7 or 8 little "trees"), and he ate all of his grapes (which was like 10 or 12 probably).  Then he took his vitamins and had his M&M's.  Although he copped out about halfway through the M&M's and actually left them on the table.  That's my kid...eats all of his broccoli and leaves the chocolate.  He also had fried rice on his plate which he didn't touch.  But for him that's pretty good.  He was tired though.  At about 7:30pm I took him back to brush his teeth after he drank about 3/4 of a pedia.sure.  Once we were done, he walked right into his room and said "nigh nigh" and walked over to his bed.  It wasn't even his bed time.  He didn't want any toys or anything.  He was sound asleep by 7:55pm.

Of course he started singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star in his bed at 5:45am and at about 6:00 exactly he started saying, "Mommy, where are you Mommy?" so I went to get him.  We had a normal morning and since we had a doctor's appointment at 11:00 I decided he needed to go down for an early nap.  So I gave him a dose of his medicine at 8:00am and then put him to sleep at 8:30 (which is a good hour and a half before I usually put him down for his nap).  He went right to sleep and woke up at 10:30am happy as a clam.  We went to the doctor appointment (later post) and then went to lunch with my mom and my grandmother.  He ate like I have never seen him eat.  Seriously.  He had three pieces of restaurant bread with butter.  Like big slices of sourdough bread.  Then his food came.  He ate most of 2 strawberries, a couple of grapes, some cheese and like 3 pieces of chicken from my mom's salad.  He followed that up with 4 of the little mints that they give you when you eat at the Nord.strom cafe (he loves those, by the way--snob!).  Insane amount of food for him.  Just the bread alone.  Normally I would have been thrilled if he had just consumed ONE whole piece of that bread.  Crazy.  And he has been in a great mood all day.  Tons of energy.  In fact, I am going to post a little video of just how much energy he has later.  I gave him a half a dose when we got home from lunch and then put him in his crib (he had said he wanted to lie down).  He chatted and chatted in there and it got louder and louder until he was just screaming to get out like 45 minutes later.  No nap.  And he's happy and loving.  In fact he is kickin' it in his playroom watching Cars while I sneak away to play on the computer and download some cuteness for all of my faithful blog readers.  (Video coming soon...).  I am going to take it one day at a time, but so far, so good...

He's Going To Be A Gymnast!!!

Okay maybe that is a bit of a stretch, but he did GREAT at his first gym class. He played with the other kids, he did most of the activities and most of all my mom said that he was SO proud of himself. That in itself people is worth the $385 fee for the 20 week class. He loved the balance beam and went on it over and over. "Mon Gigi, mon..." (come on...) he said as he went back to do it again and again. And the focus of today's class was the uneven bars. When my mom told me this I just laughed. Yeah right! But he hung on one people. He put his little hands on the bar and lifted his feet off the ground. Holy shit! My mom said he really like the parallel bars. At first he just ran back and forth between them but eventually he put his little hands up on them and hung there for a second. And then he did it again. Each time he did it he looked over at his Gigi with a look on his face like, "Do you see what I'm doing here Geeg? This is amazing stuff!"

They did a thing at the end where they blew bubbles and sang a song etc... Well he loves bubbles so he was totally into that. But once the bubble part was over they all sat down on the mat for the song part. But not my kid. No no. He felt the need to express to the entire class that "Mat ditty!" (dirty). He then proceeded to crawl all over the mat and wipe up every area that had a bubble spot on it. How dare they not clean properly! Good thing the teachers apparently thought this was cute.

But what was the biggest point in the day? Well apparently he learned to do a somersault. Again, holy crap! The teacher called them "rollies" which made him giddy with excitement. We have recently been transitioning from Thomas the Train into Bob the Builder. And there is a character in Bob the Builder named Rolly. So the fact that he learned how to do a "rollie?" Well...his little life is now complete. And I guess when he got up from doing the first one (I know! He did more than one!!!) he looked at my mom and said, "I tell Mommy I do Rolly." When she told me this on the phone I immediately teared up. My big boy was so proud of himself that he couldn't wait to tell me what he learned. Dear God I am tearing up just typing it again. I am so so so so proud of my little dude. He went to a gym class. And he didn't spend the entire time stuck to my mom's leg. He played, and he hung on a bar, and he walked on a balance beam, and most of all he did something that made him proud of himself. It is a good day today people. A good day indeed!

New Things

So we are embarking on a couple of new things for The Boy today. First of all, today is the first day that he is going to be taking that medication to help stimulate his appetite. The name of it is Periactin and he is supposed to take 1/2 a teaspoon 3 times a day. His dietitian recommended that we start off with only 2 doses a day instead of three to see how he reacts. The main side effect is that it is supposed to make him sleepy. As I have said on here before, I am not thrilled with that just based on that fact that he is sort of behind developmentally anyway, and I don't think extra sleep or tiredness is going to help that situation. But I am going to give him the doses before he is supposed to sleep anyway to try and avoid the side effects. I am going to have his school give him a dose during lunch time (he goes down for his nap at about 1:30 at school) and then I will give him his other dose during dinner time at home, before he goes to bed at 8:00pm. I gave him a dose last night during dinner and I didn't notice anything different. He was just his normal little cute self. And no, he didn't eat any more. I wondered if he would wake up more hungry than usual but he didn't seem to. He drank about a pedia.sure and a half this morning, which is pretty average for him. So we will see what happens. I am not thrilled about having to give him a daily medication, but if it will help get some weight on my little boy, then I need to make that happen.

The other new thing he is starting today is a gym class. He has been in OT since he was about a year and half old. He has always had trouble with his core strength and that has contributed to his eating and speech difficulties. About 6 months ago, when I got him assessed by the state (so that they could start paying for some of his $180 a WEEK therapies) he wasn't far enough behind in OT to get coverage. But he was far enough behind to get coverage for speech therapy. So they upped his speech therapy to an hour a week and stopped his OT. I couldn't afford to do both. But he is still way behind his little friends in terms of his strength and what he was willing to do. When he goes to a park, he never goes near the play ground, instead preferring to sit and play quietly in the sand. If there happens to be NO ONE on the play ground, he might check it out if I go with him. But on his own, with other kids around, there is just no way. So I decided that taking him to one of these classes is pretty similar to what he was doing in his OT class. So starting this morning (he is actually there right now) he will be going with his Gigi (thank GOD for his Gigi) to a weekly gym class. If it gives him a little more confidence and builds a little strength it will be totally worth it. I am interested to see how he does in the class though. I think he will be quite tentative at first, but hopefully once he is going on a regular basis he will warm up to it and actually start to like it.

So I am the only one of my friends in real life who has a blog. Or so I thought. I have been joking with them lately saying that they need to start their own blogs because they read mine and feel caught up so we don't talk as much. So I have been complaining that they need to return the favor. Well, one of them did. And she didn't even tell me she was doing it. So I would like to introduce you all to one of my best friends from college. She has two adorable little girls (that hit every single milestone WAY before they are supposed to, and I secretly hate her for that) and is writing about her adventures. I would like to introduce you to Have Babies Will Blog. Go check her out.

And on the TTC front (since you know I can't do an entire post and not mention anything about that), my boobs are still feeling funny. They are moving more toward the "hurting" explanation every day. Normally I don't feel anything at all with the boobs before I get my period so this is definitely different. So, being the person that I am, when I went to the pharmacy yesterday to pick up my son's prescription, I picked up another 3 pack of pregnancy tests. I did one this morning and it was totally negative. We think I ovulated on Thursday (positive test on Wednesday) of last week, so this would only be 6 days past ovulation. That is probably too early to test, but who knows. I will probably continue to do another test every morning from here on out. Obviously I will let you all know if that negative turns to any sort of a positive. Okay, that's it for now. Have a fabulous day everyone!

I'm A Winner!

I am so excited! I won something! I never win anything. So when you go grocery shopping at Trad.er Jo.e's and you use your own bags you get to fill out a little raffle card for each cloth bag that you use. I went shopping over the weekend and used 3 of my own canvas bags and guess what? I won the raffle! How cool is that? I won a $25 gift certificate for my next shopping excursion. Very little thing, but I NEVER win anything. But today? Today people, I am a winner! Woo Hoo!!

Weekend Wrap Up

So as the weekend comes to a close and it is time to get back into the evil work-world, I thought I would share some of the cute things from this weekend. The Boy had a very fun-filled weekend and got to see LOTS of his favorite people. We had dinner on Friday night with an old friend of mine who has the CUTEST little daughter. She was so cute and outgoing and came into the house talking about playing with The Boy. He proceeded to ignore her and to basically guard every single one of his toys that she showed any interest in. But she didn't care. She played happily until after 9:00 at night. A great night to catch up with an old friend and get to experience the cuteness that is her daughter.



Saturday The Boy spent time with almost ALL of his favorite people. He and I spent the morning together, then he went over to his Mom's house (The Ex) for a couple of hours in the afternoon. After that he hung out with his Gigi for a while before she left and his other grandparents came over for a few minutes. Then when they left, my gay boyfriends (and Uncle's extraordinaire) came over for dinner. This was all charming until one of the GB (gay boyfriends) thought it would be cute to teach him to say "pie hole" for his mouth. They thought it was hysterical when they would point to their mouth and ask him what it was and he would yell "PIEHOLE!!" Of course they laughed hysterically every time he did this. I just can't wait for him to tell his teacher at school today all about his "pie hole." Good lord.



The yesterday The Ex and I took the boy to a really nice local park and had a picnic. Then we even rode the train, which he loved. It was a really nice day, just the three of us. I am so happy that The Ex and I handled our breakup the way we did (with lots of counseling involved) and we are still able to have days like that. I will always love her as a great friend and as the other mother to our child, and it is nice to have days where we can just be good friends and co-parents and enjoy our son together. Plus he loves it when he has "TWO Moms, TWO Moms" to play with (for some reason he always says it twice). And after all of that I just hung out at home with The Boy and had a nice quiet evening together.



Oh and one thing I HAVE to share. I think we might have hit an all time cuteness experience. I cannot remember another thing The Boy has done in his entire little life that is cuter than this. On Saturday night when we were hanging with The GB, I was laying on the hammock and The Boy was playing on it (read: jumping on me and rolling all over me). He then decided he wanted to play the go to sleep game. We play this a lot where we lay down and pretend to snore and then he "wakes you up" and you pretend to be SO SURPRISED to see him and well...he loves it. So we were playing this game. "Yay down Mommy" he tells me, so I proceeded to lay down and to put my head down and commence fake snoring. Then he crawls over me so he is sitting behind me and he starts to rub my back. Then as he's rubbing, he starts to sing "You Are My Sunshine" (I sing this song to him every night when I tuck him in and say goodnight to him). He sang two full verses of it (of course with words missing) while he quietly rubbed my back. OhMyFuckingGod could he be any cuter? I almost died.



And on the baby makin' front...I have felt little random cramps toward the end of this weekend and today (possible implantation?). And also starting Saturday night, but definitely yesterday, my boobs feel funny. They don't hurt per se, but they feel...fuller. Or I guess I am just noticing them, which I usually don't do. Now normally I wouldn't post anything about this because we ALL know about the psycho-somatic pregnancy "symptoms" that we, as infertiles, like to imagine are there. I am only stating this for two reasons. One, because I really don't feel like I will be crushed if I am not pregnant this month and therefore I am not really afraid of putting things out there and therefore "jinxing" myself. And two, because if I am NOT pregnant then it shows that there is definitely a lot of truth to feeling things when we want to feel them as opposed to when they are actually there. I would be due for my period on Tuesday the 26th, so I will probably test starting on like Friday the 22nd or something.



Hope everyone had a fabulous weekend!

Too Many Doctors

So I would update you on The Boy's doctor appointment this morning except that we never made it.  We DID make it to A doctor's office, but just not the right one.  Even though my mom asked me like 15 times (how annoying is she?!?!?) if I was sure where the doctor's office was, and even though I swore up and down that I was totally sure that it was located at one of the offices, when we got there, I realized that this particular doctor didn't reside in that building.  Two of his other doctors do, but the neurologist?  Not so much.  He is in another building, near another local hospital, like 20 minutes away.  So while we are standing in the hallway of the wrong office, I finally tear my iphone away from The Boy who is watching Bob the Buil.der long enough to realize that I totally fucked up.  Completely wrong place.  So I had to call and tell the receptionist that we weren't going to make it.  Appointment rescheduled for next Friday.  Sometimes I am such an ass...

And Now We Wait

So we are done with this cycle and now we wait.  Donor boy came by my house late last night (scandalous!!) and we did a final insemination.  I tend to think that that particular one was probably too late, but we'll see.  To sum up, I did an insemination on Tuesday afternoon, tested positive for ovulation on the OPK on Wednesday morning, and then did another insemination on Thursday night.  So now the waiting begins.  Wow, I haven't been in this situation in a LONG time.  As of right now, I am not overly stressed out.  I am still going back to that whole "if it's meant to happen it will" concept.  So I really believe that.  And there are some good things if I don't get pregnant this month (like the fact that my mom/coach/co-parent will most likely be out of town during the birth if I get pregnant this month and that SUCKS!) so it will be okay if it doesn't work out.  There's always next month.

I am off to an appointment for The Boy with his neurologist.  This is a follow up appointment to six months ago when we had to do his brain MRI.  He had a diagnosis of microcephaly (his head is too small) and that combined with his other issues made us have the MRI.  That all came back normal and today is his follow up appointment.  I am sure they will weigh him too.  Oh good, that's always fun.  I will update on that situation later.

The Greedy Infertile

Is it true what they say about "once an infertile, always an infertile?" I still feel like that person. I still feel like the person who spent 3 years and over $30,000 on trying to get pregnant. But because once I started using fresh sperm (as opposed to frozen) I got pregnant on the first try, does that count me out? And if I happen to get pregnant this cycle, then am I officially fired from the infertile world? Because no matter what, I still feel like that person. Or do I?



I tested positive this morning on my OPK. Like really positive. So that means that I will be ovulating anytime between now and 36 hours from now. And I did the insemination at around 2:00pm yesterday. How does that timing look? Here's where the debate comes in. IF I really wanted a girl for this next baby, it would be a good idea to not do anymore inseminations and just hope that the little girl spermies can stay alive and swim for up to 3 days (which they supposedly can). But IF I am a true infertile (one who honestly believes that the sex doesn't matter so long as we can achieve a healthy baby) then I saw screw the sex thing and I beg donor boy to come back tomorrow for another insemination. **



Here's the thing. I honestly don't care about the gender of my next child. In theory I suppose it would be great to have one of each. And I really do have a fantastic relationship with my mother, so I would like to be able to continue that mother/daughter bond thing that has been in my family for years. And I suppose it would be interesting to parent a daughter after parenting a son. BUT, logistically, I really want nothing to do with a girl. I don't like girl toys, I don't like girl clothes, I know nothing about how to make her hair look cute in pig tails, and I am generally scared shitless of the concept of having to parent one. One could argue that since I am a girl that I would understand. But I was never the girlie girl. I was the girl that played with GI Joe's instead of Barbies. I was the girl that wore jeans everyday of her life and STILL hyperventilates if I have to put a dress on for something. And let's not even discuss having to change a girl's diaper. That whole having to always wipe in one direction thing. And the fact that there are all the little nooks and crannies that should NOT have poop in them. It makes me cringe just thinking about it.



And I love, love, love parenting my son. I love the cars and trucks as opposed to dolls and clothes, I love not having to worry about all his shorts being low-rise and if his hinder areas are going to hang out. I love not having to worry about some dumb boy breaking my daughter's heart, and I love that I have every single thing that my son has ever used or worn. And that I would not have to buy ANYTHING if I have another boy. And man, the love that I have for that little boy just overwhelms me. I would love to have two sons. I would love it to be "me and my boys." So being totally honest, I will be happy with either sex. I apparently do just want to have a healthy baby.



And this is when I revert back to the infertility of my past. I don't want to specifically try for a girl. I want to get as much of that sperm stuff up in there just to ensure that I end up with some sort of child. I am not so past all of this to think that I have months and months to try with an endless amount of sperm (like someone who is married to say, a boy) and therefore should just try techniques to make one sex or the other. I still have that feeling in me that there is no way that I will actually achieve a baby this month. It just can't be that easy. Therefore I want assurance that I have done everything I possibly can to make that baby...ANY baby. So when/if donor boy calls me, I can assure you I will be asking him to join me for another "afternoon delight."



** I am in no way trying to decipher or identify what it means to be a "true infertile." I am grappling with my own issues of whether or not I still qualify. That's all. Continue on with your day. :)

Sperminated

Okay the deed is done.  And can I say?  What a lovely guy.  Today was the first day that I actually met donor boy and he was just fabulous.  A very decent looking guy with nice features.  He has great eyes, I noticed that right off the bat.  And he made me feel very comfortable.  Obviously this had the potential to be AWKWARD!! but it wasn't.  I feel very good about it.  Not necessarily about whether we created a baby or not, but just about what a cool guy he was.  Yes, he was definitely a hippy with the long hair and appropriate vernacular, but he smelled nice and he was just fabulous.

In terms of logistics, I did NOT test positive on the OPK today, but it was close.  It looked about the same as yesterday looked to me.  So I would assume that I will test positive tomorrow.  I asked donor boy if he was available at all for the rest of the week and he said he would give me a call tomorrow.  I may just do another OPK this afternoon to see if it is the same as this morning.  We'll see.  But I only paid him half of what we agreed upon today so I imagine he will make time to come back.  I did tell him that if we couldn't hook up again, I would still pay him the full amount we agreed upon and he told me he would definitely make time to come back if I needed him.  

In all honesty, I am a little weirded out by what has happened here today, but like I said the other day, focus on the outcome not the process.  So with that, I will sign off for the day and be back with more updates later.  Thanks for all of you who have called and wished me well and good luck.  I will keep you all posted.

Focus

Let me focus for a moment on my beautiful child that is here living with me, rather than my hypothetical hippy-fetus that I am trying to make.  We have an appointment with The Boy's dietitian tomorrow.  He will get weighed and he will be plotted on that damn chart, and I will have to see the dietitian look up at me with that look like, "It isn't good news lady."  I know it isn't.  I know.  But let us not forget that crazy child that spent the evening jumping off the love seat in the playroom into his bean bag.  Let us not forget that child that has the twinkle in his eye that tells you that he knows so much more than he can communicate.  And let's focus on what an amazing, happy, healthy child he is right now.  And then let's get down to the nitty gritty.  

As I have mentioned here before he grew perfectly normal until 9 months old.  

He weighed 19.1 pounds at 9 months old.  

1 year appt he weighed 19.4 pounds

1 1/2 year appt he weighed 19.14 lbs

2 year appt he weighed 21.4 lbs

2 1/2 year appt he weighed 23.7 lbs

And now we have tomorrow coming up.  I weighed myself on the scale and then myself holding him on Saturday and the difference was only 23.4 pounds.  In terms of percentages and charts, he has pretty much stayed consistently within the 3 - 5% range for his height.  That is what they consider his norm (Mommy is short and Baby Daddy is short, both sets of grandparents are short...basically we don't have much hope vertically for my little dude).  They would like to see his weight follow that pattern as well.  Right around the 2 year appointment is when he "fell off" the charts completely.  He has consistently stayed under the chart since then.  Although from what I have been told up until this point, he was still "arching" underneath the chart.  As long as we are still making an arch then we are good, but if we start to flat line then that is bad.  Considering he is actually going down in weight since his last visit, that seems kinda like a flat line to me.

But tomorrow is not with his actual gastro doctor.  This is with the dietitian who I work with to try and make what he actually eats count.  She monitors how much Pedia.sure he gets and helps me come up with ways to add (or trick) more protein and calories in his diet.  His gastro doctor, and this dietitian previously, have talked to me about putting him on a medication to stimulate his appetite.  I have been resistant to that.  I just strongly feel like I don't want to give my child a daily medication if I don't have to.  Plus, they said the main side effect is that it makes them sleepy.  Well I have a speech delayed and somewhat developmentally delayed child who sleeps just fine.  Adding more sleep into his world?  I don't see how that would be beneficial.  But at our last appointment with this dietitian she explained more about the medication to me.  It is actually just an antihistamine that they discovered, almost by accident, that had the side effect of making kids eat more.  And apparently you only use it for a short period of time.  It's suppose to hopefully get things rolling and then they will hopefully keep it up on their own.  But the body develops a defense to it after about a month and it no longer works for that purpose.  Also she told me that you can just time the doses to give to him before he takes his nap and before he goes to bed for the night.  So that seems do-able now.  I waited before but I think tomorrow I am going to have them write me a prescription for that.  We go back to see his actual doctor for another weigh in during the middle of September, so if I can get him on the medication now, then we can see if it made any difference when he goes back in a month.

So I know that tomorrow I am going to get the look.  I know I am going to hear about the growth curve and "arching" and I know they are going to hold up that piece of white paper with the blue half-circles on it with all the little dots that represent my son.  And I know that we are not where we want to be nor where they want us to be.  But I will grin and bear it and then I will listen.  And I will talk to this expert about how to best take care of this situation and my boy.  And then I will diligently follow any and all instructions that I am given.

But then I will leave all of that and I will come home with my son and watch him give his trains a hug because he missed them when he was gone.  And I will watch him go sit outside beneath the tree so that he can watch the bees and the ants.  And when he puts his scrawny little arms around my neck, that damn curve will be the furthest thing from my mind.  

Tomorrow afternoon, not tonight

So we are going to get together tomorrow afternoon (that would be Tuesday afternoon).  I spoke with donor a couple of times today and he had some doctors appointments and other appointments over the hill today so he wasn't even available to come over here until after 5:00pm.  We talked and since I did not test positive on the OPK today, and will most likely test positive tomorrow, that is a better day anyway.  As long as he can come tomorrow, we should be good to go in terms of timing.  We will know more for sure when I test tomorrow morning, but that is what I am guessing.

Oh, and a little side story for you all.  I mentioned this briefly in my last post but when I conceived The Boy with Baby Daddy, it was a little awkward.  We had asked him ahead of time if he needed us to get him a magazine or something and he did the whole, "Nah!  I'm a guy.  We can do it whenever and wherever we need to.  I don't need your stinking magazines!" or something to that effect.  However when it came time to ummm...actually go into the bathroom, I think he might have had performance anxiety or something.  First he asked if we had anything he could look at.  All I had to offer him was my naked lady lesbian calendar (which has quite tasteful black and white pics of beautiful women).  So I gave him that.  Then he said, "ummm...do you have any lotion or anything?"  First of all, GROSS!  But second of all, yeah that makes sense.  So we sent him into the bathroom with our old strawberry flavored lube and a thing of hand lotion.  That and the lesbian calendar.

So this time I decided to try and do it right.  I went to an actual shop where the se.x toys are sold and talked to the women behind the counter.  I told them exactly why I was there and that I needed something for donor to use that wouldn't embarrass him OR me and that didn't have smells or anything.  Obviously I also wanted to avoid using any sort of sperm.icide that would kill the little swimmers that I need.  So I got the lube and then asked if they had any magazines.  They pointed me to the smoke shop next door.  So I went in there looking for just a random Play.boy or Pent.house or something.  Not easy to find.  They all had DVD's with them (umm...hopefully he won't be in there that long) and they were all some sort of scary themed stuff.  So I found one Pent.house that had a DVD and some posters with it and ended up buying it for $14.99.  But I guess it saved me having to go to the liquor store to buy something less over the top.

So I am armed with some sort of boy lube, much more than just a regular magazine, and my little specimen cups and my syringe.  I can't believe this all may actually be happening.  I have been talking about this and planning for so long that it almost seems like it isn't ever going to actually happen.  But then to have it right about to happen well I feel...funky.  I mean obviously this is weird.  Most people don't create their families this way.  But I am trying to focus on the outcome and not the process.  If I think about the process I might just chicken out, because let's face it, this is very strange.  I have never even met donor boy and he is just going to come over to my house and use my restroom and then be on his way.  I will say though that every single time I talk to him on the phone I like him a little bit more.  He is a cool guy.  Very mellow and the fact that he said he feels "honored" to be able to give me the biggest gift in the world just solidifies that he seems to be the right guy.  Or if you are using his lingo, he seems to be the right dude for the job.  :)

He Lives!

Okay I just got a phone call from donor boy. His test results are back and he is all "groovy," as he puts it. He has a couple of appointments during the day where he lives but he is planning on coming over this evening. It is a little after 12:00pm now and he said we would talk in a couple of hours, but that he would be over this evening. Holy crap. I honestly didn't believe that this was going to happen, but now it seems as though it might. The evening time thing might be a little tricky as The Boy will be there, and also my mom, but we shall just see how it goes. At least Mom knows what is going on and can keep the boy entertained and "out of the way" if necessary.

So I am off to get some cash and also pick up some nasty magazines. Last time we did this, all I had to offer our donor was my lesbian wall calender, which is black and white naked pics of the girlies, but this time I am going to be prepared damnit! Holy shit!

Missing In Action

So today is the first day that I would be doing an insemination for this month...that is if I had any clue where my donor boy might be. Last I heard from him was a week ago on Monday the 4th. He left me a message saying that his test results should be back by Friday the 8th. He had successfully dropped his daughter back off with her Mom and would talk to me soon. I then called him back (like an hour after he had called me) and left him a message. I told him that based on my cycle I would need to see him on Monday the 11th, Wednesday the 13th, and possibly Friday the 15th. I spelled out how I would be giving him $200 in cash for each "deposit" and if I didn't need him on Friday than I would give him money for two deposits on Wednesday. Since I know that this guy doesn't have "a pot to piss in" (that is a quote from my client that is friends with donor boy), I figured the mention of cold, hard cash may make him a little more motivated to make this work.

I have been doing the OPK's this weekend and today's test was close. The two lines were virtually the same color with the test line still being just a little bit darker than the other line. So I imagine that I will probably test positive for ovulation on tomorrow's test. Therefore inseminations today and Wednesday would be rad. So...we are all ready to go...we just have no donor. Now as I have explained before, this donor is a little...hippy? Bohemian? Free spirit? So it would not surprise me at all to get a random phone call sometime throughout the day like, "Okay I am over the hill and ready to go...where should we meet?" So I guess that might still happen. But I would also not be shocked to not hear from him at all. I just called his cell phone (which was still on, so I guess that's a good sign) and left him a message saying that I had hoped that I saw him today and to please give me a call either way and let me know what's going on. So that is where we stand as of 10:45am on Monday morning...

Oh, and I almost killed myself trying to find the old box of specimen cups and syringes that I ordered off the internet back in 2005 that were buried in my garage. I had to balance on the top of my car and randomly yank out boxes until I found them. But I did find them. So now all I need is a couple of nudy magazines and some boy lube (what the hell is that anyway?) Oh, and I guess I need to find my donor...

It's Exhausting When They're Sick...

So he pretty much kept the fever going all day on Saturday.  Then this morning when he woke up he felt pretty cool.  I took his temp and it was about 99 or so, so not too bad considering.  We had a nice mellow morning, and he went down for his morning nap right on time around 9:30am.  I did my thing and ended up in the shower.  When I got out of the shower at around 10:30 I heard screaming.  Now my child does NOT scream.  He may be a bit mellow dramatic, but he is not a screamer.  I went rushing in there...(take a moment to picture)...I was whitening my teeth, so I had my trays in with the whitening gel, I had my hair up in a towel and I was buck naked at this point.  Literally just stepping out of the shower to pick up the monitor and realize this was a bit more serious than normal...

I ran into his room and he was literally doubled over in pain.  "Tummy hurts!  Tummy hurts!" he was screaming while sort of panting.  It was clear that he was having some sort of cramp or something because he was trying to breath in between the pain and then yell to me to fix it.  He even said, "Help Mommy, tummy hurt!"  Right at this time, The Ex called.  I told her to get her ass over here because I thought we might be on our way to the emergency room...

Let me explain my thinking.  I have a kid who randomly developed a fever on Friday evening after literally NO symptoms whatsoever prior to that.  He kept the fever all day on Saturday.  He had complained of his tummy hurting several times over the previous day but when pressed it always seemed to be a poop issue.  So random fever and all of a sudden out of control abdominal pain.  I was thinking appendix or something bursting.  Meanwhile I call my mom and tell her to be on alert and then (thankfully) I had the insight to call the pediatrician on call.  Now I am not a paranoid mother and I have never called a doctor in off-hours in my entire life, but I felt like I should go there rather than sit at the hospital without merit.  

But prior to that, The Boy is asking for medicine (smart kid...where the hell was his mother to think of that?).  So I gave him 2 teaspoons of gripe water, which he sucked down.  He was crying in the background "Tummy hurt!!"  Then I turned on the TV for him and went out of the room to call the pediatrician.  I talked to the operator who wanted to know exactly what had happened, what his temperature was right then, and why I was calling.  Keep in mind that I still had the teeth whitening trays in so I sounded like a pre-pubescent teenager with a lisp.  It was really quite embarrassing.  But I got it all out and the operator told me a doctor would call me back within 15 minutes.  I said okay and hung up.  I pulled the damn trays out of my mouth and desperately brushed my teeth to get the flavor off.  I ran into my room to check on the boy, who was quiet but still rolling around in pain and tried to throw on some clothes.  It was an interesting concoction that ended up on my body in terms of clothes.  I took my hair out of the towel and tried to run a pick through it, the entire time hearing The Boy yelling "Tummy hurt Mommy!!" and trying to tell him that I called the doctor and that I was waiting to hear back.  Amazingly, he seemed to understand that.  So I tried to get my hair combed and in a pony tail holder and put on my fancy outfit and all of a sudden I realized that it was quiet.  And then I heard...well it sounded a little bit like laughter.  

I went over and he was laughing at the TV show.  I asked him if he was feeling better and he said, "Tummy hurt.  Have poop!"  I said, "You need to make a poop honey?"  "Uh huh."  Oh, well I guess that could be it too...as I am realizing that he always gets his Mira.lax in his Pedia.sure and since he hasn't been drinking his Pedia.sure since he got his fever, he hasn't had any Mira.lax either...and I don't think I have seen a poop in a couple of days.  Okay, perhaps his appendix isn't bursting.  Perhaps he just really needs to poop.  And by this time he is resting somewhat comfortably.  We are talking about pooping and pushing it out (TMI--sorry) and I am realizing that if Gripe Water helps him then he isn 't dying.  So I chill out and wait for the doctor to call back and rub his back to make him feel better.

By the time The Ex arrives he is pretty good and it is pretty apparent that we aren't on our way to the ER.  Oh, and it took the doctor over an hour to call back.  And when she finally did, she said I made the right call.  She said there is a summer virus going around that is basically a fever and a tummy ache.  So even if he does poop he still may complain about his tummy hurting because that is part of the virus.  I did the right thing by giving him a glass of apple sauce (spiked with Mira.lax) and had him drink it.  He had a huge poop about an hour later.  He has still sort of complained about his tummy throughout the night, but I imagine that is the virus talking.  He still has a low grade fever, but otherwise is doing okay.  Oh, and of course he has no appetite.  Of course he doesn't.  We have a weigh-in on Tuesday.  So this pretty much insures that he won't have gained any weight.  Fuck.  That's pretty much all there is to say.  Fuck.  But at least we didn't spend the day in the ER.  That's something.

Pictured above, posing with the flowers that he picked for me on his walk with his great grandmother this afternoon.  And underneath that, sitting in his tent, watching Cars on his TV in his playroom at the end of the day.

Of Course

We have a "weigh in" coming up and the kid randomly gets sick.  What the hell?  He was fine yesterday until about 7:15pm when he showed up with a fever of about 102.  Tylenol did nothing so at almost 8:00 I gave him some motrin.  He finally felt cooler around 9:00 when I put him down (I wasn't putting him to sleep until I knew his fever was going to break).  I went in to check on him at about 9:30 and he was sopping wet, so his fever broke.

He woke up at 6:30 this morning with another fever of about 102.6.  I gave him some motrin at 7:00am and then he finally felt better by about 7:45.  He went down for a nap at 10:00am and when he woke up at 12:15 his fever was 103.6.  What the hell?  I have him more motrin and am waiting for it to help.  Pictured above, after nap with 103.6 fever in his playroom.  Poor dude.

Different Parenting Styles

The Situation

My mom is staying for dinner because her hubby is going out with his daughter.  The Ex told me yesterday she would be by tonight.  The Ex calls at about 6:20 and says she is on her way over.  I tell her we are getting ready to sit down for dinner but come on over.  She does, and plays with The Boy (fixes the tracks on his trains for him, something Mommy cannot do), and then the four of us sit down to dinner.  The Boy has food issues.  We have established this.  By food issues I mean that he does not eat.  And we need him to.  So he has string cheese, some chicken and some pork (my mom's), some green beans and a piece of sourdough bread with butter.  He screws around with the bread and sorta licks off the butter.  Then he starts breaking it up and sticking his fingers through it.  I inform him that we do not play with our food...take it from him when he continues...give it back when he says he will just eat it...take it when that doesn't happen.  You get the idea.  Lately with his green beans he has been pulling them apart and only eating the "babies" out of the middle.  I think he gets this from his recently enjoying edamame.  But still.  Not with green beans.  And he lays the remnants all over his place mat.  Again I explain that we don't play with our food and that food stays on our plate.  Meanwhile Ex starts putting the remnants on certain parts of his place mat (he has  Thomas place mat) on the faces and making jokes about eating Percy's smile.  Or eating Percy's eyes.  He laughs at her and then promptly chomps down on some of the remnants.  The Ex looks at me and says, "See?" with a smug look on her face.  They continue to play the game of putting the food on the place mat and eating it off of the "eyes" of a train.  And I will admit that he did eat some cheese and some green beans.  A few.  But then when he tried to go back to his plate and started smearing his hands all in the BBQ sauce he had requested and then "washing his hands" with it, it became apparent that we were just playing with our food.  He was looking at Mom and playing and sometimes licking some BBQ sauce off his hands.  He never ate any chicken or pork, and had probably 5 pieces of string cheese, opened about 15 green beans and maybe consumed 7 of them, and had about 2 bites of bread and butter.  That's it.  Then he got his vitamins and his 10 M&M's for taking them (he hates them with a passion).

Pro Argument

He ate.  While playing with his food on his place mat, we lightened the mood and he was able to eat some of what was on there.  One could argue that if they mood hadn't been lightened and playful that there would have been no food consumed at all.  I tend to be very regimented and follow a somewhat strict routine.  When The Ex and I were together, I welcomed the fact that she was much more "fun" than I was.  I thought The Boy would get a good balance because she could bring some chaos and fun into the routines and structure that I know a young child needs.  It isn't a bad thing to sometimes mix it up and let dinnertime be playful and fun.  And if we happen to, god forbid, break from the routine and eat our green beans off a place mat rather than a plate, then life will move on.  And we will have consumed some food in the mean time.

Con Argument

I eat with this child every single night.  And I struggle with the balance of getting him to ACTUALLY EAT SOMETHING with teaching him to have decent table manners.  We don't abandon all rules in the name of 7 green beans.  And I can almost guarantee that if the games had been stopped by taking the plate and giving back after understanding that we don't play, that just as much food (if not more) would have been consumed after said understanding.  I go through this with him every night.  He tests, I set the limits, he gets the limits and works within it and we move on.  But he tests every night.  That is his job right now.  He is 2.  And it is my job--no wait, sorry--it is our job as parents to set those limits for him.  To make sure that he learns that it isn't funny to "wash" your hand with BBQ sauce during a meal.  And that if we were to take him out in public with some of our friends, we would be mortified if he did that.  So why is it cute at home?  At home is where the limits are set.  And it is something I have to do every night.  But I guess when you're not there every night, you want to have fun.  Setting limits can kinda suck sometimes.  I guess I just want her to know that that is part of parenting.  And when you CONSISTENTLY don't set limits, and just have fun with your child, then you really aren't parenting.  You are a fun babysitter, or Aunt or something.  But it isn't parenting.  It seems I am all alone on that one.

Just Because

Recently The Boy hasn't been quite as obsessed with his trains as he had previously.  He has shown an interest in all things trucks.  (Don't worry Thomas, he still prefers you over all else so far).  A few months ago a friend left a fire truck at our house.  It was broken and the front half (with the engine part) was separate from the back part of the truck with the ladder and stuff on it.  He loves this thing.  It upsets him greatly that the two parts don't stay together properly.  Recently he asked Mom to fix it (The Ex is Mom, I am Mommy).  She wasn't able to crazy glue it together so it remains broken.  But he still loves it.  He insisted on taking it to speech therapy yesterday and almost had meltdown when I made him leave it in the car when I dropped him off at school afterwards.  This morning he asked me for his fire truck.  He waited patiently until I got dressed and went out into the garage to fetch him his truck.  He was so happy to see it, but expressed his disappointment that Mom had not been able to fix it.  It was at this point that I decided that I would swing by Tar.get on my way home from work to see if I could find him a fire truck that wasn't in two pieces.  After much searching (seriously, you would think it would be easy to find one of those things.  In fact I expected to find several and have to pick between many) I finally found one that would work.

For no reason other than I think he's adorable, I present to you the above pictures.  He was SO excited when I gave him his new treat.  He stomped his feet up and down and yelled "Hooray!  Treat!"  I made him stop playing long enough to give me the top picture with a gratuitous smile.  And the picture below that is him doing the impression of the sound the fire truck makes when it blows it horn.  One could say that he is a little spoiled, but really, the fire truck cost $15.  He has been playing with it non stop for over an hour now and LOVES it.  Worth every penny.

So f-ing cute

Just had to get this out there. The Boy is now old enough to be able to sing along to some of his favorite songs. Now if you read my blog regularly, you know that my son is not the greatest talker in the world. In fact we have paid thousands of dollars to try and help him on that quest. But today he seems to have found his voice. As I went in to get him this morning he was playing with "Byron" the bulldozer (of course from Thomas the Train). I couldn't understand what he was saying when I walked in but it turns out he was creating a little tune. He was singing "Tat Tu Mom" over and over again (which is translated into Thank You Mom). His Mom brought him Byron back from her visit to NY last week and he was just singing thank you over and over again to her for his new toy.



Then later as I was getting ready for work he was playing with his "kooper truk" (scooper truck) while attempting to sing the theme song to Bob the Builder. So all I heard was, "Bob Builder...YES I CAN!" Okay so he leaves some parts out of it. But over and over again he sang that, in the right tune, I might add.



Then on the way to school this morning I had his music on the ipod. There's a song that I personally find quite disturbing. It is called "Found a Peanut." Heard it? Yeah, it's creepy. It's about finding a peanut, opening it up, realizing it is rotten and then eating it anyway. Then you get a stomach ache and have to go to the doctor. Then you have to have surgery. And then? Then you "die anyway." Charming. Then they try and make it all better by making the last verse say, "Was a dream....was a dream..." It's horrible. But I digress. My son, of course, loves this song. I think he likes it because it talks about going to the doctor. And my poor boy can certainly relate to going to the doctor. But today he actually sang along with the song. He sang along with the song while saying the right words at the right time. He practically screamed the part about going to the doctor. And then when they talked about dying anyway, he got all quiet and looked all sad (I was spying in the rear view mirror) and then perked right up and yelled, "Was dream!" "Was dream!" Like he was so relieved that it had all just been a dream. And then he demanded that I play that deranged song over again. And over again. And each and every time he sang more and more of the words.



Sometimes it is important to stop and realize just how much they are growing up. And just how sweet they truly are. He kills me.

PS--Here are the lyrics to the song. But our version doesn't have the penicillin part, or the part about going to heaven and being turned down (damn! Could it get any worse?), but you get the idea.

Quick Update

So work continues to be crazy and I continue to try and find a good balance between getting my work done and paying the bills, and devoting all of my spare time to my wonderful, albeit sensitive kid. In between that, the blog gets neglected. So in an effort to catch everyone up on things, here are some bullet points.

• Donor boy. As of yesterday afternoon I was planning a post concerning him where I said that I just felt like it wasn't going to happen this month with him. I had left him a message over the weekend asking if he had received my check and if he had been able to get tested. Since I hadn't heard back from him, I was assuming that he took my check and jetted off to Mexico to live la vida loca. However, he left me a message when I was with a client yesterday (damn those clients that keep me from tending to my personal business in the middle of the day). He said that he should be getting all the tests results back by Friday and that he would talk to me soon. I called him back as soon as I was out of my client and had to leave him a message. In my message I thanked him for getting back to me and I told him my plans for insemination. I gave him the specific dates and told him that I was hoping that he could come to me to do "the deed" and also told him specifically how I planned on paying him. Inwardly I hoped that would spark him to call back immediately. He didn't. I haven't heard back from him. But as I have previously mentioned, he is a bit on the flaky side. But it sounds like he did the testing and is planning on trying to make this happen this month. I remain skeptical. I am not sure why. Could be that I am just trying to mentally prepare myself for the disappointment when I don't hear from him come next Monday. Or who knows? He may show up with bells on, so to speak. We shall see how it progresses.


• The boy. Our relationship has gone back to normal, thank god. When I made a conscious decision to make sure he was my focus whenever he was around, he became the boy that loves his Mommy again. Sometimes this means that I am up until 11:00 at night getting work done, but when he is home and in my possession, it has been all about him. And you know what? That's pretty great. I have an amazing kid and I absolutely LOVE spending time with him. He is growing up so fast and especially if I am going to bring another little human into our house, I want to treasure every single moment with him that I can.


• One week from today we have another appointment with his dietician, aka "the weigh in." I will hopefully do a proper blog post all about this and about what this means, but needless to say, I am starting to stress out over the fact that I can still see his ribs when he takes a bath. So help me, if he is still somewhere on the 23 pound mark, I will most likely cry. More on that later.


• The Ex is back in town and is back to "our routine." It was a special treat for her to take him over to her house over the weekend, but she seems to have fallen back into the concept of "seeing him at his own house is much easier." She came over for dinner last night. I walked in the door from work and started cooking. Then I got The Boy ready and set the table. She breezed in right as I was sitting everything down. Then once dinner was ready, she went with The Boy into the playroom while I then proceeded to clean everything up from dinner. Since it is my house now I am used to this process. Somehow when I am doing it on my own it doesn't seem so bad. Of course, I do everything, I am the only one here. But when she's around and she just does nothing and plays with him while I take care of all the not-so-fun chores and stuff it pisses me off. This is left over from my bitterness about this fact from when she lived with us (it was the exact same then too). She does love The Boy, no doubt about that. I am just not so sure she understand all the OTHER parts of parenting that don't entail sitting on the floor playing. She doesn't get that to have that, you have to have moments of "Not right now Baby, Mommy is cooking you some dinner..." "I know you want to play trains, but it is time to brush our teeth and get into jammies." "I know it is more fun to throw pillows all over the floor, but this isn't the best idea with Mommy's new couches..." You know, that sort of thing.


• Okay must get back to work. I mean...I have been working this whole time Mr. Boss man, of course, I have. I just always type this fast... :)

The reality of reality

The Ex has been out of town for a few weeks.  She called everyday and talked to The Boy and we also did ichat on several occasions.  Today was her first day back.  She came over as soon as The Boy woke up from his nap.  He was thrilled to see her.  And now, after 2 full months, he is on his way to her new apartment for the first time.  Those of you who know me in real life know that I have been absolutely shocked that she hadn't taken him there before.  I guess it has just always been easier for her to come and see him at my house.

So she packed up his Thomas backpack with a bunch of trains, I reminded her that she might want to throw in some diapers, one of his cups, and headed out.  He was so excited.  "I go to Mom's house!" he told me with joy.  And then he walked down the driveway with his little backpack full of his "choos" and headed out.  While I am thrilled that it is finally happening, the moment was a little sad for me.  Our child is a product of a divorced family.  Just like I never wanted him to be.  But he is.  And now he is going to spend the afternoon with his Mom and I am here by myself.  Very strange.  Not bad, but just strange.  I am going to go out and get a pedicure and then come home and try and get some work done.  And then my boy will be back with me and the universe will feel right again.  It isn't what I planned for our life, but I guess it is pretty darn good.