Day in the Life. Friday April 6, 2012

• 5:42am: Alarm goes off for the first time. I actually get up a little after 6:00. Between that time and 8:15 (when we need to leave to get the kids to school on time) we are doing any number of things. Showering myself and getting myself ready. Getting both kids dressed and hair done. Breakfast. Making lunches and getting all school stuff ready for both kids. You all know the drill. It went pretty well on this day; perhaps because it was the last day of school before Spring Break for The Boy.
• 8:15am through 9:00am: Spent driving each to their respective schools and back home.
• 9:10-9:30am: Drive to an appointment with a client.
• 9:30-10:00am: Actually meet with said client but mostly just picked up all the paperwork I needed and left.
• 10:00am: Start *Operation Holy-Crap-I-Forgot-About-Easter* Seriously. I was completely shocked when my mom told me on Wednesday that this weekend was Easter. At this point I have no outfits for the kids, I have no plastic eggs, I have nothing to put inside those eggs, I don't have an easter basket, nor anything to put inside that...
• Back to 10:00am: Shopped in a little toy store near my client with ridiculously high prices and left with the entire contents of both kids easter baskets.
• 10:40am: Arrive back near home at local kids clothing store. Picked out super cute pink, orange and white polka dot dress for Peanut, and a somewhat matching orange plaid shirt for The Boy to wear with his jeans (he literally has nothing else that fits right now). Also got a little sweater for Peanut's so she doesn't freeze. And an "It's My Birthday" shirt for her because...guess what? Two weeks...
• 11:00am: Head to big box store with a bulls eye on the front. Purchase regular items needed at that store, two easter baskets, two sets of new crayons, two different types of little candies to put inside the plastic eggs, the grass for inside the basket... Oh and don't forget the little box of crap needed to dye the eggs with the kids later. Got everything on my list and left to drive home.
• 11:40am: Realize I forgot the effing plastic eggs. Got the stuff for inside of them, but not the eggs themselves. Call Mom. Gotta love Gigi, she'll get the eggs. And did I remember to get the vinegar to dye the eggs? No. No, I did not. Thank you Gigi.
• 11:45:am: Run into my house, unload junk from all the stores and briefly meet with my business partner (who's working at the house). Grab a cheese stick and run out the door because of my next appointment...
• 12:00pm: One hour with my shrink. Always feel a bit refreshed after that.
• 1:15pm: Back home to plan rest of day with my business partner (BP). Answer some texts and return a client phone call and plan to go and meet with them later that afternoon. Answer emails and put out about 3 fires.
• 1:30pm: Tell BP that I'm starving and that I think we really need to plan the rest of the day while eating. Drive to Chip.otle and enjoy burrito bowl. Thanks for asking. :)
• 2:00pm: Back at the house/office and get stuck with another client on the phone and go over whole process with BP so he can handle that situation while I go tend to this other client.
• 2:30pm: Text my client that I am leaving.
• 2:45pm: Actually leave.
• 3:00-3:45: Meeting with client. Try and solve inventory mess and fix some accounting issues that have gone horribly wrong (this is a new client that I am trying to 'fix' right now...this is not my own shoddy work).
• 4:00pm: Come running in after driving home with solution to big client issue and tell it to BP. Go over what needs to be done and how I am going to make it happen. Stoked we figured it out. Now just implementation...
• 4:15pm: Go and pour BP a glass of wine because I need him to put his creative and fun side on... Tell him the other thing that came to me after meeting with my shrink today. We need to seriously rearrange my house and create a proper office.

Side note: My business is going crazy right now and I run it out of my home. Two of us are working here all the time. I have four different computers alone going in four different random spaces throughout my house. And the stacks of papers are trying to eat me alive. I seriously feel SO overwhelmed constantly because of just the physical space. I try to make dinner and I have to clean up a stack of papers, a pen and some post-its. I try and prepare dinner in the kitchen and have to clear a laptop away... You get the idea. My shrink would have me say, "It is creating a lot of extra stress in my life right now."

• 4:30pm: Decide that I need to go pick up my son now, because I want to have a glass of wine with BP and discuss arrangements and what we need and how we're going to make it happen for the new office space. BP calls his brother and informs me that his brother can get tons of nice office furniture for free, so we should just "draw it up" and send him the specs and he'll let us know what's available. Awesome.
• 4:50pm: Finally get home with The Boy. Get him situated and go back to pour glass of wine with BP and relax. Although while I have been gone, BP has gone back into work-mode and now has many work questions for me and all sorts of things to discuss. I did NOT get to pour my glass of wine.
• 5:05pm: Mom gets to my house with The Girl. Brings plastic eggs and vinegar (I am now officially ready for Easter!) Takes kids outside while I finish up with BP and we decide that he and his husband will come back later (at which point his title switches from BP to one of the gay boyfriends...) to hang out.
• 5:15pm: Finally pour that glass of wine and go sit outside for a while. Or 5 minutes.
• 5:20pm: Children start demanding snacks...my mom tells me that one of her friends is going to stop by (my house, mind you...my mother treats this as her second home) and the kids are playing outside. I make dinner for the kids, visit briefly with my mom and her friend, slowly consume my glass of wine...and enjoy my kids loving their backyard.
• 6:00pm: Mom and friend leave, I receive a text from the gay boyfriends saying pre-heat the oven to 400 and they on on their way. I strip the children and usher them to the bathtub.
• 6:15pm: Gay boyfriends arrive. I pour a second glass of wine, I get the kids out and into their jammies, I enjoy some yummy mushroom turnovers...I watch my gay boyfriends loving on my kids...we decide to order some Chinese from a place that delivers...I may have had another glass of wine...
• 7:45pm: Start getting the kids to bed...read all the books, have all the milk, brush all the teeth and begin the process. They both end up in their rooms with the doors shut around 8:20pm.
• 8:30pm: Girlfriend arrives. Girlfriend and gay boyfriends all chat while I continue to try and attempt to keep my almost-three year old in her bed.
• 9:15pm: Gay boyfriends go home. Final discussions with the kids. I swear! Final.
• 9:30pm: Kids asleep...watched a half hour show...girlfriend could tell that I have a lot on my plate right now...so she gave me full body massage that eventually went led both of us back into another room of the house.
• 11:15pm. Passed out cold.

And then The Boy came into my room this morning at 6:48am. Ready to do it all over again...

When Sickness Gets In the Way

This has been a rough winter in terms of illnesses in my house. Up through the end of January, we were all pretty healthy. Then I got sick...and more sick...and STILL sick...and amazingly enough, through all of that my kids stayed pretty healthy. Then once I finally finished my second round of antibiotics and started to feel better, the kids got sick.

So The Girl was doing great with her potty training and even used the potty at her school all day on Monday of last week. Then on Tuesday? Sick. Like fever of 102 sick... And she had no desire to get up and use the potty. And I didn't blame her. So I let her go back into diapers until she was better. She was really sick all week long (home with me 3 days) and then again on the weekend so she hasn't really been working on it. Finally yesterday she felt better and wore her undies all day long (even to a trip to the grocery store where she attempted to use their potty twice...unsuccessfully...) and stayed dry. But today when she went to school she wanted a diaper. So we went with it.

So potty training? Still a work in progress...but we're getting there. As I mentioned, I have a deadline set for the end of her spring break, so up until then I am going to let her lead the charge. But once we hit spring break and she's home with me for a week? It's all undies all the time! And no going back.

Other than that we had a lovely, relaxing weekend. The girlfriend was around so that was nice. Speaking of, that is still going well. We actually hit the six months of dating mark sometime last week. Amazing how fast it goes... I am keeping things pretty casual...I don't have any desire to jump into a big, heavy relationship so things are very mellow and fun right now. And I am enjoying that.

The Boy is growing up so fast. He is such a big kid. It still amazes me. He is very into anything "Super Hero" right now. And amusingly enough...The Ex has him into all of the old-school cartoons that we watched as a kid. So right now he is into Scooby Doo and He-Man and the regular Spiderman and Batman stuff. But he loves him some super heros. He is also doing great in his art class. He did a water color last Thursday that I think is beautiful and I am going to get it framed. He loves to write and draw and lately has been writing his own "books" which he is very proud of. He is loving learning to read and is still absolutely in love with his school.

And blissfully, the kids have reached the stage where they LOVE to play together. They are best little friends and I find it adorable. They run into one of their rooms and make up a game and play it for hours. Or they will go outside together and play... The Girl is so verbal that they are really at a similar level of playing and the result is the most adorable friendship. Longtime readers of my blog know that I really struggled with the idea of having a second child on my own. There have been countless times lately where I have been doing something and stopped to listen to my kids play together and smiled and thought, "That. That right there is why I did this." And I know that I absolutely made the right decision. Hope everyone had a lovely weekend.

Apparently There Is A Limit to My Crankiness...

This past week has been ROUGH you guys. Trying to work AND take care of two kids simply doesn't work. It just plain doesn't. I can either work properly, or I can take good care of my kids...but I can't do both of those things at one time. So this week has been crazy and I am not proud to say that I haven't been the most patient parent in the world as of late. In fact for most of this week my children have literally been driving me out of my mind.

But then tonight I put The Girl to bed and then I put The Boy to bed in their respective rooms and went into my bathroom to take off my makeup. I hear my daughter open her door, walk out and pause a little bit in front of my room to see if I am looking at her (I am not, but can see her through my bathroom mirror) and then "sneak" into her brother's room. I have his monitor on so I turn it on and see her hop up on his bed, give him a hug and lay down on her tummy with her ankles in the air watching her brother do something with Spiderman. They whispered because they didn't think that I knew she was in there. They sat together for about 15 minutes before The Boy couldn't stand it (he's definitely my honest one) and he came out and told me that The Girl was in his room but could they please please please spend some more time together? He was teaching her how to not be afraid in the dark and he was going to go get her Kitty (her lovey) for her. I said sure and he ran off. A few minutes later I went in there and they were both laying together on his bed under the covers and asking if they could have a sleepover.

Let me reiterate...there has probably not been more than a handful of moments in the entire last week that I thought these two were cute. They have both been "on my list" all week long. And yet...even I couldn't resist the adorable brother/sister bonding that was going on. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and we don't have to be anywhere until 4:00pm. It's a perfect night for their first ever sleepover in our house (they have slept together in other places before, but never at home). So I blew up the aero bed, put the sheets on and they each made their own part of the bed. She chose her pillow pet, her kitties (2 of them), her blanket, her stuffed frog and a spiderman figure. He chose his pillow pet, his Lambie (like her kitty; a lovey), a flashlight, a blanket and three spiders. Oh, plus another Spiderman figure to battle his sister. I took a picture of the cuteness, turned off the lights, and slipped out to leave them. I will never know what they talk about or what they do in there tonight, and I shouldn't. This is just between the two of them.

Happy Holidays to everyone!

Pray for Me

Today is the last day...for more than two loooong weeks, that either of my children have any sort of school or daycare. It's going to be a LOT of togetherness. I mean I do feel lucky and joyful to spend this wonderful time of year with my two children... But dear God. It's a really long freaking time. Let's have a couple of pictures of them during the season while I still like them... Happy Friday!

Bullets

The time just keeps going so quickly that I never have time to sit down and write a proper post anymore. So I'm going to catch us up quickly since I haven't written since Thanksgiving.

• My daughter is a huge pain in the ass. Seriously. I adore her more than life itself but DEAR GOD with the attitudes and the tantrums and the bossy behavior... It's a miracle some days that I have made it through the evenings with her.
• On the flip side of that...oh my God is she so freaking cute right now. She LOVES any and all things Christmas. She asks for the songs in the car and knows them by heart and sings them at the top of her lungs. We took her to see some lights last night and she kept running around going, "And anodder kissmas tree...and ANODDER...and wait! LOOK! There's frosty..." It was perhaps the sweetest genuine love of Christmas I have seen in the long time.
• The Boy has attitude as well. Seems like teenager attitude...like blatantly ignoring me when I ask him to do something. Taking his own sweet time to do that things he actually does. And generally thinking he's MUCH cooler than he actually is.
• But again...he's so sweet right now. Is reading at school and I volunteer in his class and read with all the kids so he is trying SO hard right now to master reading. He loves, loves, loves all things school and I will say (again) what an amazing school he goes to. He's still my little science boy and my little helper.
• Job thing is a bit crazy with the transitions to working with a partner coupled with normal end-of-year activities and my heart is palpitating a little trying to figure out how to fit it all in.
• One of my very wealthy clients let me go to his beach house over the weekend for a night. I will say it was like NOTHING I have ever seen before. Most beautiful house that perhaps I have ever set foot inside and I actually got to spend the night. Right on the private beach with the most amazing view you have ever seen. I went with the kids and The Girlfriend and it was awesome. While eating breakfast in the morning at the big, oak table in front of a burning fire we were watching the surfers and the waves break outside the window. And as we were watching a school of dolphins swam by. Swear to God. Even have pictures to prove it. It was a pretty surreal moment.

And we'll end on that because I have to run out to pick up The Girl from school, The Boy from his OT and then bring them home, throw them in the bath and get their dinner started before The Ex gets here to watch them. Because at 6:00 I am going out for drinks and sushi with my BFF. Will try and do a proper post soon! Hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday!

Thankful

This is a good year. There is much to be thankful for. Of course, always on the top of my list are my two amazing children. They are a handful, and they challenge me on a daily basis, and they bring a light into my life that feels like the sunshine. I adore every moment. The ones that are hard, and the ones that Hall.mark looks upon and says, 'that's what cards are made of...' Because they both exist in my household. On a daily basis. Sometimes on an hourly basis.

I am thankful for my family. My mother is my rock and my best friend. My life would function at a much different place if it weren't for her. I could never ask for more. She brings so much to my life and to my kids' lives. If I can be half the mother she has been for me than I will have been a success. And add in the extended family of my stepdad, my grandmother, my brother and his wife...and I am a very lucky person. My entire family unit is surrounded by love. I don't take that for granted. And my children are growing up spending every holiday with their cousins and building amazing traditions and memories. That is priceless..

I am thankful that finally, after 5 years, I have opened myself up to the dating world and been lucky to find a woman that treats me like I am something special. And who seems to not only accept, but adore my crazy life with my two kids (who are around ALL the time) and want to be a part of it. I am very thankful for that. I am very thankful she is in my life.

My friends are the best ever. I have about 5 close friends that I talk to on a regular basis...you guys keep me grounded and provide the friendship that endures the test of time. Having a few, really close friends is a lucky thing. And I have several.

My work. First of all, I am thankful for the fact there there IS work to be had. In an economy like this, I am so thankful that my cup is running over where my workload is concerned. I am thankful that I have a new business partner and that the future is looking bright. I am thankful that my hours allow me to volunteer on a weekly basis in my son's kindergarten class, and that I am able to have both my children home with me on a daily basis by 5:00pm. My work allows for all of this.

Most of all I am thankful for where I am in life right now. Right this very minute. Sitting in a house that I own, typing on a computer that I love, listening to my kids play together in The Girls room, sipping a glass of wine waiting for The Girlfriend to arrive in about an hour when we can all get to bed early and enjoy a long day tomorrow of family and fun.

Here's wishing you and your families all a wonderful Thanksgiving.

The Next Phase?

When I look back on my life thus far, it is definitely broken up into different "chapters." Of course when you're little the chapters are defined by school. For me they are pre-parents divorce elementary, post-parents divorce elementary, then Junior High and High School. After that there is the obvious college chapter. And then the post-college, partying a lot, living in an awesome studio above a coffee shop 'chapter.' Then for me there was the "coming out" chapter. I figured out during that time that I was gay and dated a couple of girls and generally just enjoyed that feeling of, "oh THIS is what I was supposed to be doing the entire time."

Then I met The Ex and we went into the next chapter of love, life, commitment ceremony, buying a house and trying to have kids 'chapter.' Then we finally got pregnant and I had The Boy and we went immediately into the breakup of the marriage, Ex leaving me, sick kid phase of my life. That was a rough one. No doubt about it. Then the next phase was probably me deciding to have The Girl, getting pregnant and having her, and dealing with being a single mom to two small kids all by myself phase. This phase lasted up until a few months ago. I was so overwhelmed with trying to do it all, and do it all well, that there was absolutely NO time for myself or for anything besides getting through each day and trying to take time during those days to appreciate and love the kids I fought so hard to get.

And then everything changed. As I have spoken about before, I hit a really rough time around July of this year. The Boy had gotten sick and for whatever reason the depression that I have fought for the better part of my adult life returned with a vengeance and it became obvious that something had to change. So since I was done nursing The Girl and was done having kids in general I agreed to go back on anti depressants. When I look back now, I think this was the catalyst that started all the things that are happening now.

About a month after starting back on the medication I began to feel like my old self. Not the self that I had been for the past 5 years, but the self I had been before that. The person that actually felt a lot of joy and began to look at life as something to be lived as opposed to something to just 'get through.' I started actually enjoying my kids again. I lost 25 pounds and am back at the same weight I was in high school. And I decided it was time to consider dating again. Not only did I put myself out there, but I was the one who decided to contact the woman who is now my girlfriend and pursue her. That never would have happened before.

And in mid-September one of the gay boyfriends came to me and said he thought it might be time to take on a business venture that we had talked about for years. We decided to become partners and grow my business in a new way. This is a HUGE thing for me. I have been completely self employed and running my own business for 15 years. To allow someone else to come into that business is not something I take lightly. But the timing felt right, and if we are correct on what we think we can do with the business, I will actually make more money, get some time off, and be able to have a quality of life where I do not have to work every single night after the kids go to bed, and every weekend. It's going to take a bit to get there, but wow...it would be so awesome if we can achieve that. And I actually believe we can do it.

So it appears that I have entered the next 'chapter' in my life. My kids are older now and are getting to be completely past the baby phase. They are turning into lovely little human beings (most of the time) that you can talk to and reason with and that can handle things in a more mature way than ever before. I am settling happily into a new relationship with an amazing woman that I feel SO lucky to have in my life. And my work is completely morphing into something new. Pretty much every aspect of my life is shifting. And it's all for the better.

I have never before in my life been so conscious of the transition. And while there are certainly moments where I have a bit of panic based on the fact that EVERYTHING feels so different, I am happy and excited to move into this next phase of my life. If I think back to how I felt right after The Ex left me and my marriage broke up, I would have NEVER thought that I could be here again. I would not have thought I could have found a second chance at life and at love and that things could ever feel this way again. So I say bring it on! Changes are not always scary. In fact sometimes they end up being exactly what I needed.

Am I Really That Old?

On Saturday I went to my 20th High School reunion. Even though it has only been 19 years since I graduated, our class the the class before us had a joint reunion...anyway, you don't care about that.

It was...mostly good. Actually it was good. Weird? Yes, but still totally good. I had bought a new outfit, thanks to the "Worry About The Boy" diet, I am skinnier than I have been in a long time, so my BFF (from before high school thankyouverymuch) and I decided we should go. We got our hair done, went out to a scrumptious sushi dinner before hand, and proceeded to get rained on while we walked the 5 minute walk to the reunion.

I saw some people that I was genuinely happy to see (and yes, that's you Carla!), some people that I made eye contact with and moved on, and had some very strange conversations. I ran into the guy that I lost my virginity to (nope, not a gold star, but there were only 2 guys ever). That was a bit awkward. He knows I am gay now but I couldn't really tell if he new that before we started talking or not. But he kept going on about how much he liked me when that was NOT the case at the time... Very random. I actually had a few of those conversations with boys throughout the evening. I never really remember any boys actually liking me...I mean I did the whole high school flirtation and make out thing with plenty of them, but I never actually had a boyfriend in high school. Huh. Perhaps that's kind of telling...

Anyway, it was a fun evening. Wine was consumed, I had a great time with my BFF and now we have MUCH to discuss during our future phone conversations. I was home by midnight and greeted by the new girlfriend. I went on to enjoy a fantastic weekend with her...she really is just amazing. I am not quite sure how I got lucky enough to have someone like her in my life, but I am really happy that I did. The more time I spend with her, the more time I want. Things are going great. So overall, I'd say it was a pretty good weekend.

Halloween in Pictures

The Boy decided that he wanted to be a dragon. Peanut, however was somewhat convinced that she wanted to be a "beautiful butterfly." However, when brother's costume arrived, she took one look at it and declared that she wanted to be a dragon like brother (shocking). So behold...my two dragons...

Aren't they scary?
And here they are trick or treating with their cousins on the big day. The Girl did great. She got scared a couple of times but she kept up mostly. Of course, The Boy got tired and ended up riding in the stroller, but I am sure that doesn't shock anyone (least of all me, which is why I brought the stroller in the first place). But they were old pros at the procuring of candy...
Sometimes her brother and her cousins ran ahead of Peanut so she hung with her Gigi. She was so cute going house to house holding her hand...
This pretty much sums up the evening...candy in the mouth and candy in the hands, and candy in the bag...
Hope everyone had a great Halloween. One of these days I will make time to give you all a proper post!

Hello!!

Since apparently the few readers that I still have are wondering if I'm alive and well, I feel like I should put a little something up here. And to answer that question, yes, we are all alive and well. Things are going great actually. It's been a busy summer and for once, I am trying to enjoy it and get away from the computer a little bit. As I have alluded to before, I went through a little rough patch in July but I am happy to say that things are much better and that thanks to a great therapist and the help of a pharmaceutical I feel better than I have in years. Depression is something I have struggled with on and off ever since college. I have been on anti depressants since that time, but went off of them both times when I had my kids. Shortly after The Boy was born, and around the time when my marriage fell apart, I went back on them. Then I weaned off again to get pregnant with The Girl and had been off them for 3 years since then. Well The Boy's repeated sicknesses and his battle with weight combined with the stress it takes to raise two kids by yourself, own your own business, and try and stay in your house during a horrific recession all stacked up against me and I hit a pretty low point. About the middle of July I decided it was time to go back on the meds. Best decision I have made in a long time. I feel like a new person. So if things have been quiet over here, that's pretty much why. Life was really overwhelming and then I had to deal with the inevitable side effects of going back on medication (all which have gone away at this point), and well... Here we are.

So enough of the depressing stuff. I will try and give you a quick rundown of what we've been up to. First let's start with The Boy. As I mentioned, he was really sick and lost a ton of weight and at our last gastro appointment (he gets weight checks every couple of months), I got "the look" from our doctor. He had not gained one ounce in over 6 months, and for a little dude like him, that is NOT good news. Our usual three month weigh-ins have been changed to monthly and when we go back in a couple of weeks, if there is no improvement we are going to have to put him back on an appetite stimulating medication.

I have been rethinking my stance on his food intake a lot recently. Up until lately my thoughts have been that since he puts SO little in his body in the first place, I need to make what actually goes in count. And because of that I make sure most of the things he eats are healthy and high in protein and/or carbs. I don't want him to load up on sugar just to get the calories and then crash down. So if he asked me for some Pringles or something I would usually say, "how about an apple," or "how about a string cheese." Now I am not so sure if this is the right method anymore. Maybe I just need to load him up on a ton of Oreos or something. I just don't know. But it sure is frustrating. It continues to be a work in progress.

Other than that he is doing great. He starts kindergarten at the Private Montessori school next week and he is super excited. This is his last week at his current preschool, which I LOVE, so I am sad about that. But if The Girl ever decides she will pee pee in the potty we can send her there, so hopefully we will see them again soon. He is still firmly in the dinosaur obsession and is also super into coloring and drawing right now. Still my happy little sweetheart that I love more than life.

The Girl is also doing good. I don't really know what to say about her except that she is a total character. She is so freaking funny, she makes me laugh all the time. She is also super stubborn and if she's in a mood? Watch out! But her language skills amaze me on a daily basis, her facial expressions are priceless and watching her dance is one of my favorite pasttimes. I just adore that little girl. She has fire and she has spunk. I'll post some new pictures soon.

We took a wonderful vacation up to my cabin in the mountains a couple of weeks ago and it was amazing. I have been going to that cabin since I was 2 and to now get to see my kids fall in love with it? Really an emotional experience. My son slept in the bunk bed that I always slept in. Both of my kids instantly fell in love with sitting in the river throwing rocks. They both talked all about the nature and the lakes and going out in the boat... It really filled up my emotional tank spending that time with them. Again, once I get home, I will post some pictures from that for you all to see. (I'm blogging at work...ssshhhh...don't tell).

On a totally personal note, when I was in the midst of the depression crap I had a hard time eating and as a result lost about 15 pounds. I have kept it off and added a few more to the loss column, so I am looking much better than I have in a few years. I have actually had to go out and buy some new clothes. But between that, and my meds, I feel great. And I have actually put myself out there on a couple of online dating sights. It's fun emailing and getting to know new people although I haven't gone out on any actual dates yet. But it's fun and for the first time in years, I feel like I am actually doing something for me. And that's nice. So there's that. :)

So that's what's been going on lately. I am going to try and get back into blogging again and keep you all up to date on how The Boy's new school goes as well as the other crazy escapades of our lives. If you are still here and still reading, thanks! Hope everyone had a great summer!

Greetings!

It's been almost a month since I last posted. Lots of things going on over here keeping me away from the blog. The first thing was that The Boy got another nasty stomach flu. And man...when you have a kid that's "failure to thrive" to start with, and when they barf out the contents of their stomach, there just isn't much to fall back on. So the poor boy was so dehydrated and exhausted that he almost had to go into the hospital a couple of times. He was so lethargic that he could not stand up, lift up an arm, or even his head. He had to be carried to the bathroom for the ONE time a day that he would go. It was scary and horrific and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. He woke up Thursday night the 7th in the middle of the night barfing and it took him until Sunday the 16th to be "back to normal." It was a long road. Even though he stopped barfing relatively early on, he just had no energy. I sent him back to school the following Tuesday and got a call about 1:00pm that he was laying down on the cement during play time. ...and off to pick him up! He never did make it through a whole day of school that entire week. Very, scary.

And then, the following Thursday, when The Boy was still recovering, I went in to get The Girl from her crib in the morning and she informed me that all of her friends were "wet." Yup, wet cause she had barfed on them at some point during the night. It almost pushed me over the edge. But fortunately she handles sickness better than her brother and that morning she was drinking water and eating Ritz Crackers. And although things did come out the other end of her all weekend long, that is MUCH preferable to me than barf. I freaking hate barf.

So it was a really long two weeks. Add to that some anxiety issues I was having worrying about The Boy and frankly...things weren't too fun in our house. But I am happy to report that everyone seems relatively healthy right now (knock on wood!) and we are all doing better.

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For updating perspective, The Girl has found her opinion. On EVERYTHING!!! She now insists on picking out her own shoes in the morning. She has songs that she loves to hear in the car, and other songs that she screams, "Turn it OFF! I no like it!!!" Certain clothes she will wear perfectly happy one day and then the next day she acts like they are burning her skin if they come into contact with her. She declares food, "Dis is great! I love it!" and then, "I no like this one. Dis one is bad." She has certain crayons that she likes better (colors) than others, she has certain cars that are better to play with than others, she has certain movies that she enjoys and others that she hates and will make watching them miserable for anyone who tries to enjoy them (especially her brother).

She is definitely two. And more often than not, she is a joy to be around. But when she isn't? Man... Her brother has NEVER once made half the stink she has in his entire life. Yesterday we were buying new shoes for her at a department store and she thought it was hysterical to run away from me and hide. I did not find this quite as amusing. I told her several times to stop and stay with Mommy. When she didn't, and it was time for me to pay (therefore not allowing me to chase her all over creation), I put her in the stroller and strapped her in. She threw such a fit and screamed so loud that I thought she was going to shatter glass. I was totally "that mom" with "that kid." So we left. And then she was fine. I would say she is wonderful about 70% of the time right now and a nightmare about 30% of the time. I guess those are decent odds for a 2 year old?

The Boy's newest obsession is tracing paper and tracing pictures out of his books. He is a complete perfectionist and he tries to draw [insert random object here] and if it isn't 100% exactly how he wants it to look then he bursts into tears and tells me he's a horrible boy. It's fun--NOT. So in order to get him to have more successful experiences than not, I bought him some tracing paper and that seems to be doing the trick. He has spent probably four hours total tracing and coloring since I bought the pad yesterday. Success.

And the thing he is tracing most often? His newest love: Dinosaurs. He has officially gone through all the "typical" boy loves: Thomas the Train, Cars, Bob the Builder, Spiderman, Bugs, and now dinosaurs. (Although he still loves him some bugs). But he loves anything dinosaurs now. So in addition to my new found knowledge of the difference between a Draco lizard and a Basilisk Lizard, I can now tell you the different between Spinosaurus and Diplodocus. If I were a 5 year old I would RULE!

And as for me? I've just been trying to get through the days. Things are getting better now and I am feeling more like myself, but man...the past few weeks have been rough. Here's hoping we can finish up summer on a happy (& healthy) note. And here's hoping I will get back to writing on the blog. I miss it.

Perspective

As I walked around the house tonight picking up every single toy that we own, I was frustrated. I looked around and the living room was a mess. Every single item was out of the toy box. Things off the shelves...all her things mind you. Sunglasses and purses and babies...it was all...out. Waiting for me to clean it up. Again. Ugh.

And then as I was cleaning it up, I decided to think about it a different way. I buy those toys so that she can play with them. That is why they are there. That is why they are taking up space in my house. For her to play with them. And that's what she did. All of them. She clearly loves her toys. And then I thought about her behavior. And she was good as gold all night long. She and her brother played happily and quietly, without the TV on from the time dinner was over until bedtime. I got a ton of things done. He did a puzzle and she...well she destroyed all her toys. And that is exactly what they are supposed to be doing. That's why the toys are there.

And then I smiled.

Vacation Pics

Hi everyone! We had a fantastic second day on our little mini vacation. I am far too busy relaxing to put together a real post for you all, but I am never too busy to share a few photos... Here is The Boy when we finally went down to the beach last night after we got here. It was a little late in the evening (hence the heavy clothes), but The Boy was thrilled nonetheless to finally run some sand through his hands...
Peanut wasn't sure what to make of this whole thing we called "the beach." She had been to the beach before (in Hawaii when she was only 9 months old), but this was the first time she had been to the beach since she was old enough to comprehend what it was. As you can see...she was just taking it all in...
Then today we had a relaxing morning and then headed out to the Monterey Bay Aquarium. We have been many times before, but it is always a hit. Those of you who have been before will recognize this picture, but to those who haven't...this is a little tunnel type room made of glass where a "fake wave" comes over you every 30 seconds or so. The Boy has always loved it, but he also gets a little freaked each time the wave comes...as you can see from his face. :) (But trust me...he loves not only this exhibit, but the entire experience at the aquarium...)
Again, if you have visited the aquarium, you are aware of the obligatory clam shell picture...
Once back from the aquarium we headed back down to the beach for a little sand-play time...
The Boy was making sand angels...
And as you can see...once back from the beach, the kids had nice warm baths and had some dinner. I went and picked up some yummy Mexican take out and we hung out in the room tonight and we all enjoyed the relaxation. Especially Peanut...
Tomorrow we are going to hit the Boardwalk and do a little pool time. Then tomorrow night my mom and step dad (who will be driving down to join us tomorrow morning) are going out to a nice dinner. I might treat myself to a little room service, and perhaps even a glass of wine. And then sadly, on Saturday morning we have to check out and head back to reality. Such a wonderful time, I can't even tell you all. I needed this. No seriously. I really needed this. :)

PS--to my very astute commenter who wondered if we were staying at The Sand and Sea Inn... You were SO close. We are next door. We are here. :)

We're Here!!!

This is what we are looking at from our balcony right now...

Here are the kids checking out the view...
And here is the other direction (toward the Boardwalk, but hard to see in this pic) off our balcony.

For some reason I can't move the pictures around right now. But hey...I am on vacation, with FREE internet so that I can give you all updates along the way. We are about to head out to check things out and find something for dinner. And despite super crappy weather reports, right now it is clear and nice. I wouldn't call it "warm," but it is certainly much better than I expected. Oh and the aforementioned fabulous friend who got us the rooms had a basket in each room specific for each one of my kids. The Boy had a basket filled with bugs and spiderman stuff, and The Girl had a purse with stickers and butterflies. They comped our parking rate, brought us up two extra refrigerators, and generally are treating us like royalty. So freaking stoked right now!!!

Did I mention we are on vacation!?!?! :)

With A Little Help From My Friends

I have the best friends in the world. Seriously.

Things have been a little rough lately in our household. First the stomach flu...now we are all fighting colds...the finances...I have been in a slump. I've been trying to shake it off but I've been a bit down in the dumps.

For the year 2011 there are no vacations on tap for my little family. Usually we do one big trip and perhaps a couple of little ones to family cabins or weekends away. This year...not so much. Just not in the finances. And honestly, I am cool with that. My son is going to go to an amazing school and the peace of mind that gives me is a whole lot better than any vacation I could plan. So it wasn't a big deal. Plus I'm going to head up to the family cabin in the mountains sometime this summer.

I have a good friend who is a big-wig at a hospitality company and he essentially oversees and manages about 9 (fantastic!) boutique hotels within a couple hour radius of where we live. He is awesome and does so much for me and my little family that I seriously NEVER ask him if he can hook me up with a room...or get me a deal. Lots of people take advantage of his generosity, but I try not to. But a couple of months ago (well actually we were talking about this for my birthday, which is in September, so I guess it was a while ago...) he was saying that for my birthday he would like to get me and the kids a room at one of his hotels. There is a certain hotel, which is right on the beach that just recently had a HUGE renovation, so we talked about that.

Long story short, we booked three nights (Wednesday, Thursday & Friday) at this fabulous hotel next week for a little vacation. We have two adjoining rooms and my mom was going to come with me and the kids and her hubby was going to drive up at the end of the week and join us. Knowing this is my only "vacation" for the year, I have been super stoked and excited about it. Yes, it was only three days, but still...a hotel! I don't have laundry! I don't have to cook! Super stoked.

But with all the financial drama of late, even the super-fabulous rate that he had gotten me was a bit more extravagant than what I should be spending right now. Two rooms, plus three nights...even at a great rate, it can add up. Plus (of course) the weather might be crappy, so after much whining, my mom and I decided to just do two nights instead of three and still enjoy a couple nights away, and also hopefully save a few bucks. I cancelled the Friday night (hoping to allow his other guests the more popular night given the fact that I knew I was getting the room at a reduced rate) and let my friend (and of course the hotel) know. I was super embarrassed to have to tell him given that he had done me this huge favor and now I wasn't even going to take advantage of all he had offered...and of course he was lovely about it. So we have been going about packing and planning for our little two-night get-a-way later on this week.

Tonight I got a text from him. It said, "Hey...So I'll comp your first night for both rooms if you guys still want to stay three nights...? Because that's how I roll. :)"

How fabulous is he? And how fabulous to have friends like him. Friends that help you out, even MORE than they had originally helped you out (which was HUGE to begin with), and do it with a smile on their face. So now we have a great THREE night little stay planned. And I am so excited!!!

(I just re-read this and hope it doesn't come off as snotty...the only reason I am posting it at all is for ME to remember, when I'm feeling a little bit down, that I am a damn lucky woman who has the most amazing people in her life.)

Bullet Points

Because I want to get that anxiety-ridden post off the top of my blog...

• Still utterly freaked out about the school/cost thing but trying not to obsess.
• Speaking of obsessing, my son seriously has OCD. Like I might need to talk to someone about it...
• His Mom bought him some books and made the mistake of telling him a package was coming in the mail yesterday. He spent ALL day asking/obsessing/staring out the window waiting for that package. It was so bad that when his best friend came over for movie night last night he basically ignored him because all he cared about was the damn package.
• The damn package didn't arrive until 6:00pm.
• Once it arrived and was opened he became a human being again.
• I was seriously embarrassed at his actions in front of my friend and her kids.
• Tomorrow is Mother's Day and everyone keeps asking me what I "get" to do.
• Here is what I "get" to do: Starting today, I have to hose down the entire back patio and clean everything from a winter full of dust and filth.
• Go to the grocery store to buy enough food and dessert for almost 15 people.
• Host a backyard BBQ for said 15 people including MY mother and HER mother (who have seniority it has been told to me...)
• Buy a Mother's Day gift for The Ex from our son.
• Buy birthday gifts for The Ex from our son (birthday is on Wednesday).
• Wrap all the gifts that I bought for The Ex.
• Once happy that gifts are all bought and wrapped and therefore don't need to be thought about anymore...come out into my living room this morning to discover that The Girl climbed up on the table, retrieved said gifts and ripped open ALL the wrapping paper and broke the picture frame. *Sigh*

However it should be noted that while typing this (rather cranky-sounding) post, my daughter came up to me, rubbed my back for a minute, went in to give me a squeeze and kissed my cheek and then walked away. So while yes, I am super stressed out at the moment, I have not lost sight of the fact that I *AM* a mother and that I get to be around these amazing kids. I am super grateful for all that I have and for the two children that I am lucky enough to call my own. Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there. And to those still trying...keep the faith. I know this is a tough day for all of you.

Edited to add: While I was typing the "sweet" thing that my daughter did I heard a noise and went back out into the living room to discover she had opened and broken my stapler while trying to staple my mouse from my laptop...

Perfect Spring Sunday

If you live in California, you know that the weather was picture perfect today. We have waited a long time for a day like today, and it was great. And apparently the week is supposed to be fabulous as well. When The Boy woke up today the first thing he said to me was, "Mommy, can we go outside and play today?" Very easy request. I told him "for sure."

After breakfast we loaded up on sunscreen, packed up a backpack and headed to a park a couple of miles from my house... Of course, The Girl was rocking the hat and the shades (the purse was in the car; those three things always go together).

The Boy was ALL about the slide...
The both dug the swings, but The Girl LOVED it. She cried and cried when I made her get out of the swing so her brother could go back to the play structure.
And a true testament to his OT...here is the boy actually swinging. With his feet (almost) off the ground. This doesn't usually happen...in fact most of this entire park trip doesn't usually happen with him. This is why we don't go to parks very often; The Boy used to avoid ALL the stuff. But today he did great. I was so proud of him!

He loved the twisty slide...
The Girl played peek-a-boo...from all angles.
After almost two hours I brought them home and they immediately ran into the backyard to continue playing. I fed them lunch and we had a little picnic out back. After that, while they ran around I went into the shed and brought out one of my favorite summer-time accessories to the back yard...Obviously the kids enjoyed it as well. Here they are chillin' on the hammock.
After that, they both went in and took a really long nap. I took a nice shower, got a bunch of stuff done around the house, and then when they woke up they asked if they could go back outside. And of course, they wanted the jumpy house...

Then Gigi came over to see them and the three of them played on the hammock. Here is The Girl telling Gigi to "go to sleep!" and covering her with her blanket...
Of course it is hard to sleep when a little red-headed boy keeps jumping on and off the hammock...
The three of them had some great bonding time. It was super sweet...
After Gigi left, I BBQed some turkey burgers and white corn and we had that plus fresh strawberries from the Farmer's Market for dinner outside. The kids were filthy so after I cleaned up dinner, both kids took a long bath, put on clean jammies and went to bed.

What a fabulous Sunday. I wish they could all be just like this. Hope yours was great as well!

What an A**hole

My daughter's 2nd birthday is coming up. It's Wednesday of next week. I have very few things to give her. She needs nothing, and really, she's not counting. But either way, I noticed that she really liked these little block-like things at her school. So I went about finding some online for her. I searched, "criss-cross blocks," and finally worked my way to them with "waffle blocks."

Right around the time that I was buying whatever random ones I found (not the ones above, I just used that as a reference), I remembered that for The Boy's birthday someone had given me a $15 gift card to a learning store. So I went to my purse, grabbed the card and looked up their website. It took a bit of searching, but I found the ones I was looking for. They were like $10 more than the previous website I was going to buy them from, but then I had the gift card, and I convinced myself that they came in a nicer storage bin. So I went through the online checkout to buy them and realized that shipping was like $9.95 or something crazy and now the price was $5 MORE to buy from that particular place, even with the gift card. Damnit. But by now I have been working on these ridiculous blocks for over a half an hour and I have better things to do, so I click "buy." And I am over it. They arrived today. They are fabulous and lovely.

So tonight I am heading over to a friends house for dinner (look at me!! Leaving the house!!!), and I am about 5 minutes away from my house sitting at a red light. I glance over to the right, and literally 20 feet away from my car was the store that I just bought her waffle blocks from. Only I bought them ONLINE. And paid $9.95 shipping. When the store itself is literally 5 minutes away from my house. What an asshole.

I thought about the fact that it must be local when she gave me the gift certificate, but I knew I hadn't seen it around my part of town (or at least where I drive), so I figured it was a "local" business but probably at least 20 minutes away from where I live. And I'm lazy.

But not that lazy. I can't believe the freaking store is 5 minutes from my house. I am going to go there tomorrow and see if I can find The Girl another birthday gift. What an asshole.

Quick Update

Regarding yesterday's post: Thank you all for your kind comments and emails. It means a lot to know I am not the only person who has ever thought or struggled with these issues. That being said. Today was a better day. My mom was right (she usually is...), and I had let the situations of the past few months (work hell, computers crashing, The Boy's OT issues, money and overall everyday life stresses) catch up with me and they were making everything seem overwhelming. Now I am not saying that everything is going to change overnight and I am suddenly going to become Mary Poppins with a life full of rainbows and sunshine. But what I will say is that sometimes it takes someone you trust and care about to point out things we need to work on. And I need to work on this. I am (thankfully) not depressed. I have an amazing life. And yes, there are certainly stressful moments. But I need to be more mindful about being in the moment, rather than feeling like the moments of several months are all bundled together being carried on my back. I had a different mind set tonight. And I enjoyed my kids. I got through the evening and, while there were certainly stressful moments (and I don't expect those will ever go away), overall I stayed in the moment and had a MUCH better night. I am going to continue to work on this and try and get to some sort of a happy medium. Because my mom is right. These ARE the best times of my life. My kids are only going to be young and sweet and cuddly for so long. And while the stresses of being involved in poops and tantrums may fade away, in their place will be homework and school stresses and eventually the evil teenage horrors. I can almost guarantee that in 10 years, when my kids are 15 and 12, I will long for the days when my biggest issue used to be cleaning poop out of a drain and dealing with someone throwing a fit about their crayons being taken away. One day at a time. But today? Today was a good day.

The Grump

My mom said something to me tonight and I can't seem to shake it. She told me I was a grump. "You're always grumpy," she said. "This is the best time of your life; it doesn't get any better than this. Trust me; I've been there," she told me. And I told her that I don't feel grumpy, I just feel tired. Exhausted really. But I am happy. If you asked me if I was happy with my life I would tell you absolutely, and I would really mean it. But if that's how I feel on the inside, then why do I come off as a grump?

I went through a very serious depression right when I got out of college. I have struggled with depression for most of my adult life. I've been on and off anti-depressants for years. I went on them in 1996 when the major depression hit and stayed on them until I wanted to try and get pregnant with my son. I was off of them through the entire pregnancy and after he was born until shortly after his birth (4 months) when my partner came to me and told me she didn't think she wanted to be in our marriage anymore. Between my marriage breaking up and my son's health issues, I went back on the meds and stayed on them until I wanted to get pregnant with The Girl. I have been off them since then, which I guess is almost three years at this point. My therapist and I have randomly talked about whether it is time to go back on them, and I have always said I didn't think I needed them. I was really happy in my life; there were just some issues. But not enough to make me want to medicate again.

See the issue for me with taking anti-depressants is that the ones that work for me (and believe me, back in 1996-1998 I tried pretty much all of them) make me not able to sleep. And that makes me crazy. So then I end up having to take something else to make me sleep. And...well it just becomes a slippery slope. So it isn't as easy as taking one pill and being done with it. One pill causes the need for another pill...and well... I really like NOT being medicated. I like only taking vitamins. I like not having all of that foreign stuff in my body. And again, if you were to ask me, I would tell you that I am happy. And I would mean it. So I haven't felt it necessary.

The hours between 5:00 and 8:00pm are the hardest for me. It has been a really long work day and then I have to get baths done, deal with dinner, cleaning up, bedtime etc... Granted I have my mom here with me to help (Monday through Thursday), but it's still a hard time of day. And I think she's right. During those hours of the day, I tend to be a bit grumpy. Again, I think of it as exhausted, not grumpy, but if I am snapping at the kids and not smiling and not enjoying them for the few hours I get to spend with them each day...what is the difference anyway?

I don't want to be a grump. I don't want to look back on this time and think that I missed out on the amazing little people that are my children. I don't want them to remember their Mommy as cranky. But I have to be realistic as well. Life isn't all smiles and hugs and joy. There are hours of the day when things need to get done and there isn't a ton of time for lounging and playing and fun. But still...I know inside my head that during the week these are the only real hours I get with my kids. I want to enjoy that.

I could end the post right there, but for my own records and for purposes of working things out in my own head, here's what we did tonight. This is pretty typical of an average work day:

Get home with The Girl around 5:00pm. Gigi was already here with The Boy. The Girl throws a fit because she doesn't want to get out of the car. I make a deal with her that she can go outside and play. We go in, say hi and I tell both of them they get to go outside. Much excitement (the weather has been crap and it was almost 80 here today!). While outside I go back and forth from the kitchen trying to prep dinner to the "Mommy!! I need..." "Mommy...come out and sit with me..." I spend some time on the bench swing with both of them, push The Girl in her car, bring The Boy his balance bike, prep fish and green beans and stuffed mushrooms and strawberries (kids) and set the table. We get dinner on the table. My step dad arrives and we all eat together. Dinner is nice and pleasant and we all joke and laugh. But I certainly wouldn't call it "relaxing," as anyone who has eaten dinner with a 5 year old and an almost-two-year-old can attest to.

After dinner my mom cleans up the kitchen while I clear the table and then put The Boy in the shower to wash the grass off of him. It itches his skin so he took a shower. I go to change The Girl's poopy diaper and put her in her jammies. She throws a fit because she wants to do it herself. Fine. I leave her on her changing table to attempt that and go tend to The Boy, who is calling me. While soaping up a washcloth for him to actually clean himself he tells me he thinks he needs to try and go poop. I ask him if he can wait a minute until he's out of the shower and he tells me that, yes, he can. As he is saying that a small plop of poop escapes out his bum and glides along the bottom of the bath tub. While running to get a paper towel to clean it, it proceeds to get all clogged and stuck in the drain. Charming. The entire time The Boy is saying, "Sorry Mommy...sorry Mommy..." I clean it up the best I can, get the wipes and clean HIM up the best I can and give him the wash cloth and tell him to clean his entire body. And focus on the bum while you're at it.

I sigh and walk back down the hall to The Girl who is standing on her changing table taking the pictures off the wall above. I lay her back down, force her legs into her jammies and get her down. She runs down the hall yelling that she wants to color. By this point my mom is done with the kitchen so she gets The Girl some paper and crayons. She lets her sit on the floor (I strap her into her chair at the table when she colors; no running around the house with crayons on my watch!). I go back to the bathroom, get The Boy out of his shower and take his jammies out and give them to him. Brush his hair, clean his ears and then we all go into the living room. The Girl is coloring, and my mom and The Boy sit on the couch to practice his words (speech therapy homework). I sit down and grab a magazine and exhale for a moment. Then The Girl runs down the hall with the crayons and comes back to tell me she colored on the floor. I grab it all from her, she throws a colossal fit. I proceed to clean the hallway crayon mess and my mom takes off.

The kids alternate between making an obscene amount of noise playing "band" and jumping on and off my lap pretending they are cuddling with me, but really just ripping my now defunct magazine and smashing into me. After about 20 minutes of this (all the while my patience is growing thinner and thinner...full disclosure...not my best time of night...) I say it's time for bed. I change The Girl's diaper, we read about 5 books and brush her teeth. She's all wound up from running around with her brother and "saying goodnight" to him about 5 times (hugs and a kiss--it's actually pretty cute), and doesn't even think of laying down in her bed when I put her there. I leave the room and she bursts into tears because she wasn't paying attention when I sang her the night time song (You Are My Sunshine). I put on a TV show for The Boy, and then go back into The Girl's room and sing to her one more time because I am hyper sensitive about "being grumpy" and I don't want her last thought of the evening to be one of abandonment.

And then I come out here to type this for you. In the middle of typing, The Boy's show ends and we brush teeth and he is now in his room with one toy and a flashlight. I feel equal parts thrilled that they are finally in bed, and sad that I wasn't as cheerful and fun as I could have been. I feel like I failed in all aspects.

How do you do it all? How do you take care of kids, run a business, and all the while keep a smiling happy face when you are really so tired you could lock yourself in your room and sleep for a year? I get a decent amount of sleep at night, so that's not it. I don't really know what "it" is. I just sort of thought that this was life. Until my mom said something tonight. And now I am stuck thinking about it. I am quizzing everyone I know about whether or not I am actually grumpy. I even asked The Boy (he said no and gave me a hug. I don't think he knows the definition of grumpy).

What about all of you out there? Did you make it through this long rambling post? Are you cheerful amongst the craziness of life with kids? Do you ever feel grumpy? Do you ever feel like you aren't appreciating life? Do you worry that you will look back and wish you did it differently? No? Huh. I guess it's just me. I must be grumpy. :)