Thursday, November 17, 2011

The Next Phase?

When I look back on my life thus far, it is definitely broken up into different "chapters." Of course when you're little the chapters are defined by school. For me they are pre-parents divorce elementary, post-parents divorce elementary, then Junior High and High School. After that there is the obvious college chapter. And then the post-college, partying a lot, living in an awesome studio above a coffee shop 'chapter.' Then for me there was the "coming out" chapter. I figured out during that time that I was gay and dated a couple of girls and generally just enjoyed that feeling of, "oh THIS is what I was supposed to be doing the entire time."

Then I met The Ex and we went into the next chapter of love, life, commitment ceremony, buying a house and trying to have kids 'chapter.' Then we finally got pregnant and I had The Boy and we went immediately into the breakup of the marriage, Ex leaving me, sick kid phase of my life. That was a rough one. No doubt about it. Then the next phase was probably me deciding to have The Girl, getting pregnant and having her, and dealing with being a single mom to two small kids all by myself phase. This phase lasted up until a few months ago. I was so overwhelmed with trying to do it all, and do it all well, that there was absolutely NO time for myself or for anything besides getting through each day and trying to take time during those days to appreciate and love the kids I fought so hard to get.

And then everything changed. As I have spoken about before, I hit a really rough time around July of this year. The Boy had gotten sick and for whatever reason the depression that I have fought for the better part of my adult life returned with a vengeance and it became obvious that something had to change. So since I was done nursing The Girl and was done having kids in general I agreed to go back on anti depressants. When I look back now, I think this was the catalyst that started all the things that are happening now.

About a month after starting back on the medication I began to feel like my old self. Not the self that I had been for the past 5 years, but the self I had been before that. The person that actually felt a lot of joy and began to look at life as something to be lived as opposed to something to just 'get through.' I started actually enjoying my kids again. I lost 25 pounds and am back at the same weight I was in high school. And I decided it was time to consider dating again. Not only did I put myself out there, but I was the one who decided to contact the woman who is now my girlfriend and pursue her. That never would have happened before.

And in mid-September one of the gay boyfriends came to me and said he thought it might be time to take on a business venture that we had talked about for years. We decided to become partners and grow my business in a new way. This is a HUGE thing for me. I have been completely self employed and running my own business for 15 years. To allow someone else to come into that business is not something I take lightly. But the timing felt right, and if we are correct on what we think we can do with the business, I will actually make more money, get some time off, and be able to have a quality of life where I do not have to work every single night after the kids go to bed, and every weekend. It's going to take a bit to get there, but wow...it would be so awesome if we can achieve that. And I actually believe we can do it.

So it appears that I have entered the next 'chapter' in my life. My kids are older now and are getting to be completely past the baby phase. They are turning into lovely little human beings (most of the time) that you can talk to and reason with and that can handle things in a more mature way than ever before. I am settling happily into a new relationship with an amazing woman that I feel SO lucky to have in my life. And my work is completely morphing into something new. Pretty much every aspect of my life is shifting. And it's all for the better.

I have never before in my life been so conscious of the transition. And while there are certainly moments where I have a bit of panic based on the fact that EVERYTHING feels so different, I am happy and excited to move into this next phase of my life. If I think back to how I felt right after The Ex left me and my marriage broke up, I would have NEVER thought that I could be here again. I would not have thought I could have found a second chance at life and at love and that things could ever feel this way again. So I say bring it on! Changes are not always scary. In fact sometimes they end up being exactly what I needed.

1 comment:

raz said...

So happy for you!!