Monday, May 31, 2010

The Long Weekend

I could talk about the things that stressed me out this weekend. I could talk about The Ex and all the angst I went through with things regarding that side of things...but I really don't want to. I want to remember the FUN we had on this long weekend. So I am going to do just that. My cousin came to stay with us, and it was a long weekend and we all had a blast. Here are some pics to show what we did this weekend...

See? I am so cute and innocent...I don't know why you say all those mean things about me...
"But here is a glimpse of the looks I will give you as a teenager as it becomes my sole purpose in life to make your life miserable..."
This was a good weekend to let one's piggy toes get FILTHY!
...and it was a weekend where there was so much excitement that a little boy needed to catch up on his sleep while in the car...
...and it was a weekend where the little girl discovered her immense LOVE of a little red car...
...and it was a weekend where "chocolate cake fingers" made an appearance...
...and it was a weekend where our studying of all things bugs tuckered a little dude right out...
...and it was a weekend where we did pig tails for the first time!
But overall it was a magnificent long weekend with my babies. I am so thankful to have this time with them and they are the greatest kids on earth. Hope you all enjoyed your long weekend as well!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


Today is the 2 year anniversary of my blog. I just went back and read that first post, and it is amazing how much things have changed. Just amazing.

For one thing, when I wrote "The Back Story," I didn't seem nearly as angry with The Ex as I feel like I was (or am). I seemed sad but somehow at peace. I think I even went so far as to say that we had both tried our best and that it just hadn't worked out. Two years later that is NOT my memories. I am still really angry. I am angry that my son didn't get the family he was supposed to. And for some reason that anger overrides my completely knowledge that *I* am a much happier person without her in my life. It's strange really. Looking back, I was saddened to read about how hard the split was on my son. But today it is better for him. He is a happy dude who truly has no recollection of when his moms lived together. Divorce is a hard, hard thing. I don't know if you ever completely recover from it. Not a day goes by that I don't get frustrated or angry or disappointed in something having to do with The Ex and how our lives played out.

Just yesterday I was talking to her on the phone about a possible school for our son (another post) and she mentioned how she had to go through some old computer files at work and she found pictures of the two of us right when we bought this house and we just looked so content and happy. And then she found pictures of us turning the office into a nursery for The Boy and she mentioned how it just made her smile. She said that was such a great time in her life. And all I could think was, "Really? Really?!?!?! That was a great time? Because 4 months after he was born you were out of here." It appears that somehow all of my memories have gotten tainted. I can't remember the "good times." And when I do? I feel like I was being duped. I told my mom today about her telling me about these pictures and I said that I really wished I could see the world through her rose colored glasses. That is one thing she has always been good at. She is a "grass is always greener kind of person" and for her the past and/or the future are all going to be wonderful. But the present? It always sucked. When we were together she would talk about how wonderful it was when we first met...and how wonderful it was going to be when we finally had our baby...but for some reason the place we actually were always seemed to bring her misery. It was never enough. And I marvel that today she can look back on those times and "smile" because of "how wonderful a time in her life it was." I remember the truth. She was miserable in our old house and she practically MADE me sell it and buy the house I currently live in. We were knee deep in trying to get pregnant and I was on all sorts of hormone shots and I was emotionally a mess. Last thing I wanted to do was sell a house and then buy a new one. But she was determined. It was what was going to "fix everything." That new house...THAT would be what would finally make her happy. Make her feel at peace. And guess what? Like every project we took never did. Nothing ever did until she got up and left the situation. And now, two years later she looks back on it like the best time of her life. She told me the other day that if I would just stop "playing hard to get and take her back" that she would make me SO happy. I just laughed. I gave her that chance and the irony of the situation was that it was HER that was never happy. I couldn't make her happy or make her feel loved no matter how hard I tried. And I have no interest in taking on that battle again. Ever.

Whew...I guess someone needed to vent a little huh? Sorry about that... Like I said, divorce is hard.

BUT. Let's talk about nice things. Let's talk about the fantastic things that have happened in the last two years since I have had this blog. First of all...a little trip down memory lane. Here is what The Boy looked like when I started this blog:
He was a BABY. A little tiny dude that had major speech issues and major health issues but who was nonetheless the major love of my life. That part hasn't changed but the rest has. He's still a little dude, although he is growing. But he talks like pretty much all the other 4 year olds I know, with a few exceptions. And besides not eating and not gaining weight (which is just pretty much par for the course at this point), he is the picture of health. We haven't had a hospital visit and he hasn't been diagnosed as "failure to thrive" in...I don't even know how long. He is doing great in pre school and is a smart, attentive, sensitive amazing little dude. And he is still the major love in my life. Check out the before and after:
And then there's the major life change that has gone on for the past two years. My precious daughter. One of the reasons I started this blog was to document the journey that became Peanut. It was a long journey and one that was not ever easy. But most things that are worth fighting for are not. And she is no exception. She was just a glimmer in my head and my heart two years ago. And here she is today. Loud and crazy and happy and wonderful and just a giant smile to my day. Every day. She truly is my ray of sunshine. I adore that little girl. Here we are last week visiting a winery that is one of my clients. I like this pic because we were trying to make her smile and she was far too busy blowing raspberries with her lips to care. Gotta love her for that...
Great things have happened in the past two years. Clearly I still have a bit of healing to do. And like I mentioned above, I am not sure if I will ever fully be healed. But I am in SUCH a better place now than I was then. I am so happy to be two years out and to have my complete family. I feel at peace. I feel relaxed. I feel proud and honored to be able to be a mom to these two great kids. And I am thrilled to have made it through it all.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Where Does He Come Up With This Stuff?

I was sound asleep and heard a big *THUD* and sat straight up. Didn't even pause before running into The Boy's room. I had heard correctly; he had fallen out of his bed. It has only happened once before and the other time he had been sorta tangled in his blankets so he didn't hit as hard. His bed isn't totally high off the ground, but it isn't a toddler bed either. It is a normal twin bed with a chest of drawers underneath. Plus, he has a nightstand right next to it, and I think he smacked the nightstand on his way down.

He started crying as soon as he saw me and I scooped him up immediately and hugged him to me asking, "does anything hurt?" He said yes in between his tears and pointed to his face. I leaned him back and looked and saw blood around his mouth. Not a ton, but a little at the corners of his lips and on his chin. I put him back down on the bed and told him to shut his eyes cause I needed to turn on the light to make sure he was okay. He put his Lambie over his eyes and I checked him out. Teeth were okay, no apparently bleeding; probably on the inside of his mouth but it had stopped at that point, everything looked swollen, but okay. I asked him if he wanted the "boo boo pack" and he didn't. He just wanted a kiss. So I gave him a kiss and sat next to him and rubbed his head until he fell back asleep (which took approximately 3 seconds).

I then went back to bed and couldn't sleep thinking of how he was going to have a swollen face and what if his teachers at his school thought I had hit him...and how I was convinced that they were required to make that call even if they didn't think anything suspicious was going on...I was a mess. Remember it was 3:00am and I was woken out of a sound sleep. Finally I fell asleep and dreamt that his teeth had gone through his lip and I hadn't realized it and then he had all this damage...

Got up and got in the shower as usual but didn't hear him get up like he usually does while I am in the shower, so I spent my entire shower thinking he had a concussion and wasn't going to wake up and OMG I was going to have to call 911 as soon as I got out and I had decided that if he wasn't awake when I got out of the shower I was going to wake him...

Can you even imagine what it's like to live inside my head? It's no me.

He was on my bed when I got out of the shower and first thing he said to me was, "Ouch Mommy." We talked about what had happened and he told me he thought it was a dream. We looked in the mirror and he has a bunch of scrapes on his chin and he has a bright red, fat lip. I said to him, "Honey, you have your first fat lip."

He looked at me and laughed and said, "Fat lip? I have a fat lip?" And I said yes. He laughed and said, "No I don't. I have a tubby tuba lip..." And then went skipping off to show his sister his "tubby tuba lip."

Gotta love that kid.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

This Might Be Taking It A Little Far...

We have talked about how my son is a tad obsessed with all things nature, right? Well I know that some of that was sparked by watching the Life Series on the Discovery Channel. It is an 11 part series and one of those episodes focused on plants. Of course he loved it (he loved all of them). But his very favorite part of that particular episode? The Venus Fly Trap. He is fascinated by it. He started by drawing pictures of it (as scanned below):
And since then he talks about that particular plant and seems to have the same obsession value as...say...the chameleon who has the abnormally long tongue that snaps out to eat the praying mantis. Which is to say he likes it. He likes it a lot.

Unrelated: The Boy spends every Saturday morning with The Ex for about 4 hours. Several weeks ago on one of their mornings together they went to the plant store and bought seeds and planted stuff in my side yard. One of the things they planted was peas (the others being corn, carrots, pumpkins and watermelons) and they have grown considerably since then and it is now time to purchase some sort of trellis or something to contain the peas. I expressed that to The Ex this morning and she proceeded to take him to the garden store.

He came home with this:
Yes. It is. That is one actual Venus Flytrap. And my son is the proud owner. And if you look carefully you can see that on one of the leaves (?) near the top it actually has its "lunch" in there. I guess once they got home my son scoured the backyard and found a dead bee, which he promptly picked up and put inside the leaf (?) of this plant. And being that it eats dead things, it promptly closed up and is in the process of consuming said dead bee. I am beyond thrilled.

But my son? Well he is a whole new level of excited. In fact excited doesn't even really do justice to his feelings. He is calling this plant his "new best friend" and it had to reside directly above him on his window sill during his nap this afternoon, and it had to go with him from room to room ALL. NIGHT. LONG. tonight. Seriously. And when it was time for bed? He actually kissed it.

But look at the excitement on that face. As mortified as I am, just look at his little face...
How can you argue with that? Plus he has the best show and tell EVER for school this week. His teacher's gonna LOVE me... :)

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I Miss Blogging

I really do. This new work project is forcing me to work like a fiend all day long while my kids are in daycare, then come home and do dinner and baths and get them to bed, only to do another shift of work before I am finally able to relax and go to bed myself. It is exhausting to say the least. I just put the kids down and I am about to start my "second shift," but I miss writing here. Life is going on around me while I am busy working and I am missing it. So let's do some bullet points so at least I can get a little bit off my chest.
  • My 93 year old grandmother's house sold today. She moved out right before Christmas time into an assisted living facility. It's much better for her. But I am having all sorts of weird emotions about someone else being inside the house that was only owned by my Grandmother and Grandfather (they were the original owners). I spend every major holiday of my entire life (not an exaggeration) in that house. And now someone else will. Very odd.
  • My daughter is a brute. Seriously. In some ways it cracks me up and in other ways I am worried about the future when she is bigger than her brother and will seriously be beating the crap out of him on a regular basis. She steals a book from him? He looks at me wounded-like and I tell him, "Take it back." He tries but she grabs harder and spins her body away from him. And he just gives up. I know he is taught to never take a toy (or anything for that matter) from another kid with his Montessori training, but seriously. She is 1 and he is 4 and she always wins. Always. It's a little bit funny. Just a little bit.
  • The other day we were getting a splinter out of his foot and he was laying in my lap while The Ex worked with the pin and the tweezers at his feet. He was traumatized by the entire ordeal. However his sister wanted to get into my lap (I am trying to wean her off of her daytime nursing sessions and it was almost 3:00pm and she hadn't been nursed since 6:00am and she WANTED it; and wanted it NOW!). So while he lie there being stressed, she was literally grabbing him by the hair and trying to pull him out of my lap. She also tried to wedge her head underneath his shoulder and push him out that way. She's a pushy little thing. Again, only slightly amusing.
  • The bug/insect/spider/plant/nature obsession continues over here. I cannot even tell you all how many conversations I have had about different types of beetles and how all insects have a head, an abdomen and a thorax, and the intricate inner-workings of how a Venus Flytrap eats a fly. People who encounter my son always comment on how smart he is... But I think they are missing the OCD portion of the obsession. Yes, he's smart, but seriously. Today he took all of my mother's silk flowers and all of his play bees and he pollinated all of the flowers. He spent an hour doing this and discussing all the details of each process he accomplished. He is going to be a little scientist. Or a crazy person.
  • On that note he brought home a dead bee from school the other day in a plastic cup. He carried that thing around for hours telling anyone who would listen to all the different parts of the bee. At the end of the night when I tried to throw away the DEAD BUG, he had melt down. He told me, "My teacher said I could keep it." I said, "She probably meant it was okay for you to bring it home. But we aren't keeping it. It's a dead bug, and it's dirty. It needs to go back out into nature so...I don't natural things can happen to it." He thought about that for a minute and said, "You're probably right. I know a hungry spider outside that I met earlier that could really use a good meal..."
  • The Girl took 4 steps yesterday and 5 today. They are still REALLY wobbly, but it isn't far away. She stands all the time by herself and thinks about taking a step but usually just decides to sit down and crawl. After all, it is MUCH more efficient. And wherever she happens to be going, I guarantee she's in a hurry.
  • She turns 13 months old tomorrow. Sheesh.
  • I will no longer be doing monthly letters. I will do an 18 month letter and a 2 year old letter and then go to every year from then on.
  • I know you will all now be able to sleep tonight knowing what my plan is for my letters to my children.
  • Okay I have gotten a little slap happy. Time to end this post and go back to work.
I miss writing and venting. I miss sitting on my ass at the end of a long day and watching a TV show. I miss going to bed earlier than 11:00 and getting up later than 5:45am. I miss just hanging out with my kids and not thinking about all the things that need to be done. I think things should slow down a little bit shortly. At least I can hope.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Complain, Whine, Cute Story and then Video!!

Things have been so hectic this week. I took on a new project for one of my clients and I feel like I have been forced to learn to speak another language in one week's time. I am a bookkeeper and this project has NOTHING to do with bookkeeping. But it is very intricate and potentially VERY lucrative so it was a no-brainer to accept it. That being said, I am beyond swamped. My regular client load has not slowed down at all and there simply are not enough hours in the day to get it all done.

I think all parents out there struggle for balance and I am no exception. I try so hard to make enough time for my business to sustain and support my family yet also leave enough time to spend quality time with that family. And it is hard to make both of those things happen. I get up at 5:45 in the morning to start my day. It takes that long to get us all ready and out of the house by 8:15 and it takes from 8:15 until 9:00 to get both kids dropped off at their respective schools. So even though I wake up at the butt crack of dawn I can't start my workday until 9:15 at the earliest. And The Boy has to be picked up by 4:00 and The Girl has to be picked up by 5:00. So that doesn't leave much time during the day to bill 8 hours. Even if I have my mom pick up The Boy and I get The Girl (thus buying me about another half an hour of work), I still at best have a little over 7 hours to somehow bill an 8 hour day. And that is if I take no lunch and don't "waste" any time driving from one client to another. So to make up for it I usually put the kids to bed at around 8:30 and work for another hour or hour and a half. This means that I literally do not have one moment to myself until almost 10:00 at night at which point I am ready to pass out.

So work days are tough. I could give up my Fridays and put the kids in daycare/school (although that raises my expenses by quite a bit) and work another 8 hour day but I would feel like I have NO time with my kids at all. The Boy goes with The Ex for a few hours on Saturday morning and the entire weekend is spent with errands and grocery shopping and laundry. So while that option brings in more cash it also greatly diminishes the quality time I have with my kids. And of course those kids are why I am doing all this anyway. So I keep my Fridays. And I work like a crazy person Monday through Thursday and I swear to myself that I will catch up at some point over the weekend when the kids nap, or when there is a quiet moment...and we all know how that works out, don't we? Yeah, it doesn't.

I shouldn't complain. And I know there are tons of people out there who are in the same position, or worse position than I am. It's just hard. But I am done whining. At least for tonight... :)

Did I tell you all about The Boy's butterfly project? I think I did. Quick recap: We ordered "Live Butterfly Garden" off the Internet and it sends you 5 caterpillars and you get to watch them grow into cocoons and eventually butterflies (if all goes well). Well guess what? This weekend we ended up with 5 live butterflies. And The Boy could not have been more thrilled. He is SO fascinated with bugs and insects and anything nature related right now that this was the perfect project for him. He brought his butterflies to school on Monday and the whole class watched them for two days and then yesterday they set them free. I really can't put into words how exciting this entire thing was for my boy. He loved, loved, loved it. And I am so happy it all worked out the way it was supposed to (they tried the project at school, which is how we heard about it, and all the caterpillars died...the whole class was pretty bummed. And that is why we took our live butterflies back into his class so they could all experience it together).

So that is what has been going on with him. And with her? Well she is busy being a little one year old. She is showing no signs of wanting to stop nursing on her own (even though it is only twice a day on daycare days and about three times a day on the days I have her all day long) and I am struggling with the decision of whether to wean her or just let it be and let her wean herself when she's ready. I spend way too much time obsessing on this decision. I need to get a hobby... :)

I will end this rambling post with a video of The Girl using her fancy new "walker" toy that I got her for her birthday. I am so scared to say that official walking is not far off. God help us all...

Sunday, May 9, 2010

So Unbelievably Grateful

A very well-meaning friend recently asked me, "Is Mother's Day hard for you since you're a single mom one is really there to make you breakfast or give you a break?"

The answer is a resounding NO. There is nothing tough for me about Mother's Day. Like lots of us out there I tried for years to have kids. To have them both here, and healthy, makes it the greatest day of the year. So while I didn't get to sleep in, and no one made me breakfast, I had the best morning possible.

The Girl got up at 6:00am and nursed and then went back to bed until 6:30 when her brother got up. Then the two of them played in his room for an entire hour together and let me get another blissful hour of sleep. Then at 7:30 The Boy came in and asked if he could get into bed and snuggle with me. Absolutely. About 30 seconds later, I heard the distinctive sound of crawling down the hall and then I looked over the side of my bed and saw the cutest little face out there saying, "Up. Up. Up." She climbed up onto the bed and me and my two kids rolled around on the bed laughing and playing for about 15 minutes.

That is what Mother's Day is about for me. It isn't about anyone giving me gifts. It isn't about sleeping late or breakfast or anything. It is a day that I get to just revel in the fact that I am allowed to be the mom of these two great kids. I am so lucky to have them in my life and I am SO lucky to be able to spend as much time with them as I do. I adore these two kids more than life itself and today is a celebration of THAT. So Happy Mother's Day to all that are lucky enough to have kids in your life. And to those that are still trying...hang in there. Your time will come and I promise, it will have been worth it.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

What? When? How?

When I re-read my latest posts I have noticed that I seem to be a bit...shall we say edgy lately. First was the post all about how I will never be able to afford my dream house in my dream neighborhood. Duh. That's not a news flash. Then my charming little snippet about how bitter I was that I was in charge of creating a Mother's Day gift for my Ex. (I think I'm going to have him draw a picture and have it framed btw...). When I looked back and wondered why the crankiness lately it all seemed to be revolving around being single.

That's kinda funny when I think about it. I mean, don't get me wrong, it isn't that I want to be single. That wasn't always a dream of mine along with the perfect house in the perfect school district. But is also wasn't something that upset me either. Well, it was when it originally happened, but since then I have really come to terms with being a single mom. I wanted to do this. I wanted to have the two kids and focus on them. My thought was that once I got through the finding a donor phase, and then the getting pregnant phase, and then the pregnancy phase, and then newborn phase, and then baby phase...then I would think about maybe finding someone. You see how that works? See how I just kept shoving that part of my life further and further away? Pushing it way far into the future so it wasn't something I had to put onto my plate of "things to deal with?"

I have a good friend who has been asking me about dating forever. For the longest time I simply wasn't ready. I couldn't even imagine going down that road. Then there was the period of time where I really wasn't in a good space to even think about it. I was still so angry and damaged from my past relationship that I had NO concept that there were people out there who didn't want to destroy me. Then there was the time when I simply couldn't imagine having a relationship not feel like it was literally sucking the life out of me. I couldn't even fathom thinking about having someone else in my life because that other person would just be someone who wanted something from me, who needed me to make them feel a certain way... And I had nothing left over to give. Everything I had to give I gave to my kids and if there was a tiny smidgen of anything left over, I needed to learn how to give it to myself.

Time has passed, and all those distractions (I lived through getting pregnant, pregnancy, babyhood...) have slowed down a bit. The time has also helped me realize that there are some nice things about being in a relationship with someone. I can see through the fog to see that another person wouldn't necessarily be sucking me dry, but perhaps I might LIKE to spend time with that person. Perhaps I would even look forward to it. Perhaps they might even bring a little extra something to my life that is missing. And perhaps figuring out how to make that happen could be giving myself that extra something that I need. Maybe that is what I need to do FOR myself, you know?

So now, almost exactly (wow, just did the math...trippy timing of this post) two years after The Ex and I broke up for good, I can officially; kinda sorta, say that I am ready to start dating. Gulp. Did I just say that out loud? But here's the funny part. When I finally get to this point, when I finally realize that it might be okay, and that it isn't the scariest thing in the world...I have to figure out how the hell to make that happen. I mean seriously. I am a single mother who owns her own business and works almost full time. When the hell do I fit in dating? Because there isn't a moment of any day that goes by with me sitting on the couch with my feet up thinking, "Wow, lots of spare time on my hands...wonder what I should do to pass the time?" I mean seriously. When exactly am I supposed to make this happen? During the time of day after I pick my kids up from daycare and before I put them to bed? I think not. During the hour long period of the evening after I've put my kids to bed before I retire myself? Seriously...where am I supposed to fit it in?

AND. Say I have carved out a little slice of time in my life to make this happen. Say I have hired a babysitter for one night a week to go out for 3 hours to enjoy myself. How the hell do I find someone to go out with? I am 35 years old and have two kids. The last time I dated was when I was 26 years old. Things are a little different now. I can't wait until it's "Girl's Night" at the local gay bar and go out and have a few drinks and see what happens. I can't roam The Castro giving looks to the ladies I think are hot. It has been nearly 10 years and I have NO IDEA how to go about finding a date. What do you do once you are past the bar scene? Seriously. I know there are the internet dating sites, but is that my only option? Do I have to try and take some flattering photos of myself and try and write something witty to post out on the internet for all to see and hope someone finds me mildly attractive? Plus, I know for almost a fact that my Ex frequents almost all of those internet dating sites and I just don't feel like I want her able to see me throwing myself out there. I don't want her to have that power. Plus, she's been dating forever. She's an old hand at this. She would look at my rookie ways and laugh. Or at least I feel like that'd be what she was doing. Ideally I would love someone who knows me well to say, "Hey, I know the perfect person for you. We are actually having a big BBQ at our house this weekend and she'll be there. Why don't you stop by and see..." And then I go to their house and this woman is beautiful (to me, not necessarily beautiful in the aesthetic sense of the word) and fabulous and we are like perfect little lesbians who meet and ride off into the sunset together.

But I know that's not how it is going to happen. I know most of my readers are happily coupled with their partner of choice, but does anyone have any advice? If after 10 years of being out of the loop, once one decides she might be ready to start dating the hell does one go about doing it?

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Wordless Wednesday

In an effort to quell these seemingly cranky posts I have been spewing forth lately, I give you my happy pills. My two very own little happy pills that make me smile on a daily basis. These are some more of the professional shots we had done for The Girl's first birthday.

Those last two kill me. I mean, seriously...I know they're my kids and all and I'm supposed to adore them, but seriously. They are so damn cute in these pics. Now if they just acted like this all the time in real life...

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Question: How Much Does It Suck To...

...have to find and buy a Mother's Day gift for your Ex so that your son can give it to her?

Answer: A whole hell of a lot. Especially when the favor will NOT be returned.

That's all I got for ya today, sorry. I have to go on a hunt for a gift...

Saturday, May 1, 2010


One of my best friends just bought a new house. It has been a really long process for her entire family because, like everywhere else right now, that market has really been tough here in California. So she tried to sell her house over a year ago and ended up taking it off the market and having to wait almost a year. She was able to sell her house and her family moved into an apartment until they found the perfect house. They finally found "the house" and went through the entire buying process (including lots of hiccups along the way) and got the keys on Friday. I went by today to check it out.

The house is beautiful. It is a fabulous house in which to raise their two kids. I could go on and on about the house, but that isn't what really stuck with me today. What stuck with me was the entire package. The neighborhood is fabulous. The schools are great. They are done. You know what I mean? No 5 year living here until we can afford "we'll stay here until the kids are school aged..." They are done. They get to move into this house, make it their own and stay put.

And since I drove away from their house I have been so depressed. I had no idea how much I wanted that. I don't know if I will even be able to express what I mean, but there has got to be such a fabulous feeling of...I don't know...just done.

When I bought the house I currently live in, it was when I was with The Ex. We had been trying to get pregnant for two years and it hadn't happened, and we certainly weren't obsessed with school districts or anything. This was our second house and we were just thrilled to making the step up from our first house. We thought this house would just be a "stepping stone" and the next house we bought would be "IT." And then we got pregnant and had The Boy. And then...well we all know what happened after that. She moved out on his 6 month birthday and we eventually broke up for good (although, damn, that was a loooong breakup...). And now I live here with the two kids.

Now don't get me wrong, I am extremely lucky to be a single parent who owns her own house in the Bay Area of California. I bought The Ex out of this house about a year and a half ago. I don't take that for granted at all. I do not live in an apartment. I am not renting. I own my own home and that is fabulous. And up until today I was stoked about that. But after seeing my friend and her new home in her new neighborhood with her fabulous schools for her kids...I am just so bummed. And the reason I am bummed is because as long as I am single, that is not in the cards for me. It just isn't. And there are very few things in my life that I feel as though I am held back from simply because I am single. And this is one of them. I have a very rich life. I have a fabulous family, my kids are more than loved, and I have amazing friends. But there is no way I could afford to move into a house and just be...done. And as The Boy is 4, the entire school debate is coming quickly. I can't stomach the idea of having to pay to send him to private school. But the schools in this area aren't fabulous. And I don't want him to get in with a bad crowd or have a sub par I really need to think about that. But that is another post for another day.

Today I am sort of moping around in the fact that you can't get away from the fact that my life is limited because I am single. I never wanted to be single. I really didn't. But I am here and really, on most days, I am completely okay with it. Honestly I am. I think that's why I feel so funky today. Because usually I am totally aware of how very lucky I really am, and how fabulous a life I lead, and I don't feel as though I (or my kids) are lacking in any way. But today? I feel a little deflated. Coming back to my little house in my somewhat crappy neighborhood with the pooper of a school down the street...well I am just a little bummed.

BUT! I have these two amazing kids, and I have a house to live in, and really I think what we all want is just to be happy and to be able to give our kids the best life we can. And I think I am doing the best I can at both of those things. I will just have to deal with the school debate on another day...

And so this post isn't a complete downer, here is an adorable pic of my two babies (taken professionally for The Girl's first birthday...):