Am I Really That Old?

On Saturday I went to my 20th High School reunion. Even though it has only been 19 years since I graduated, our class the the class before us had a joint reunion...anyway, you don't care about that.

It was...mostly good. Actually it was good. Weird? Yes, but still totally good. I had bought a new outfit, thanks to the "Worry About The Boy" diet, I am skinnier than I have been in a long time, so my BFF (from before high school thankyouverymuch) and I decided we should go. We got our hair done, went out to a scrumptious sushi dinner before hand, and proceeded to get rained on while we walked the 5 minute walk to the reunion.

I saw some people that I was genuinely happy to see (and yes, that's you Carla!), some people that I made eye contact with and moved on, and had some very strange conversations. I ran into the guy that I lost my virginity to (nope, not a gold star, but there were only 2 guys ever). That was a bit awkward. He knows I am gay now but I couldn't really tell if he new that before we started talking or not. But he kept going on about how much he liked me when that was NOT the case at the time... Very random. I actually had a few of those conversations with boys throughout the evening. I never really remember any boys actually liking me...I mean I did the whole high school flirtation and make out thing with plenty of them, but I never actually had a boyfriend in high school. Huh. Perhaps that's kind of telling...

Anyway, it was a fun evening. Wine was consumed, I had a great time with my BFF and now we have MUCH to discuss during our future phone conversations. I was home by midnight and greeted by the new girlfriend. I went on to enjoy a fantastic weekend with her...she really is just amazing. I am not quite sure how I got lucky enough to have someone like her in my life, but I am really happy that I did. The more time I spend with her, the more time I want. Things are going great. So overall, I'd say it was a pretty good weekend.

Lots of "Firsts" In My World Right Now

Today is New Girl's birthday. We are going to have lunch together just the two of us, and then she has asked me to join her for a birthday dinner with all of her friends tonight. I am *officially* being introduced to all of her friends. But that isn't the "first" I was referring to above. This is the first time that I have ever hired a babysitter to come watch my kids that isn't family. Please don't be confused with this being the first time I have left my children because that couldn't be further from the truth. But this is the first time that I have had enough of a life that I felt it necessary to get an actual "babysitter." One that I pay money and that doesn't come to my Christmas celebrations. She comes very highly recommended by my best friend and is a college student. I'm sold. She came over last weekend and met the kids and played with them for a little and she was hired.

So tonight is the first time I am leaving my kids with a babysitter. And I am not at all emotional about it. I am super stoked that I can get out without having to feel guilty about whichever family member I am making give up a Friday night. And tonight should be fun, so I'm excited.

And then tomorrow night I am leaving my children and going away for a night for the first time. I am taking New Girl away to a hotel right on the beach for 24 glorious hours. I am embarrassed to admit that I have not ever once, in the almost 6 years of having kids, had a night where I wasn't with at least one of them. There are only a few times that I have not had both of them since The Girl was born. The first was when I went to the hospital to have her, and The Boy had to sleep at my parents house. That was somewhat traumatic because while I was convinced we had prepared him for every part of my going into the hospital to have a baby, I apparently forgot to mention to him that I would be spending the night in said hospital. He was good with all of it, until he realized he was expected to leave WITHOUT Mommy. That didn't go over well.

The second time was this last June when I took The Boy to the Monterey Bay Aquarium to spend the night for Father's Day. That was the first night I had ever been away from Peanut and she also stayed with my mom. That particular night went fine, but the aftermath with Peanut left a little bit to be desired. There have also been a few night where The Boy has stayed overnight at my moms, or at The Ex's house. But for the past almost 6 years, there has not been ONE morning that I have not had to wake up and tend to a child. There has not been one morning where my only concern was weather or not *I* felt like getting out of bed. The kids are staying with The Ex at my house and I cannot freaking wait. And who knows? I might not feel like getting out of bed the entire time! :)

Lucky Me

I've been told that I should update my blog telling you all why I have been so absent. After I laughed at the concept that people might actually miss reading my drivel I decided I would do a post.

So yes...the blog isn't as active as it used to be. There's probably lots of reasons for that, but most likely the new girl has something to do with it. I need to come up with some sort of blog name for her...I'll have to think about that.

But in terms of an update, things are still going very well on that front. It's been SUCH a long time since I have had any sort of a love life, I'm not entirely sure what to say about it. But I should tell you that I have honestly never met anyone in my life that treats me the way this woman treats me. It is sort of astounding to me. I keep waiting for her to "figure it out," or "snap out of it," but it doesn't seem as though that is where she's going with things. She seems to very genuinely like me for me. And that is saying a lot. In the past, I have always tried to figure out what a partner needed from me to be happy with me, and then mold myself into that person. I think because A) so much time has passed since I last had a relationship, and B) the ridiculous amount of therapy I have done in that time, that for this relationship I have never even given a thought to who I "should" be. I just am. And I guess because it has come as a nice surprise, but not one that I feel as though I can't live without, I don't have that panicky feeling that it is all going to go away if I don't do something "right." So I am just me. And guess what? She seems to be really happy with that. Such a concept.

Want to know how she treats me like a princess? Here is what she did for me last night. My mom (and all those who have been reading for a while know my mom is my HUGE helper with the kids) is gone for two entire weeks enjoying a (much deserved) vacation to Hawaii. So I am on my own with the kids for two weeks. That isn't a bad thing, and I can certainly handle my kids on my own, but it does mean that I spend WAY more time running around doing kid errands and picking them both up than I do when my mom is in town. And because of that I don't get to bill as many hours during the day. So for the past week since my mom has been gone I have been working after they go to bed more than usual and just generally running myself ragged. So back to last night...

She was waiting at my house for me when I got home with both kids at 5:30. When we got inside she completely took over for both kids (who LOVE her btw, and were both screaming for her attention) while I was able to calmly and nicely cook dinner for everyone. We all sat together at the table and enjoyed a nice dinner. Then after dinner she did jammies and read books with the kids while I cleaned up (again without kids screaming at me that they need this...or can I do that for them...). We all played together for a little while and then got the kids in bed. As I mentioned I have not had nearly enough time to work lately so after the kids were in bed I worked for about 45 minutes while she played on her phone and watched TV. When I was done working I came and sat with her to watch one of my favorite shows on TV. During the show she was rubbing my back and mentioned that it felt like I had a ton of tension in my neck. Duh. I always do. At her instruction I sat on the floor while she sat behind me on the couch and gave me the most amazing massage. I have had lots of professional massages before and this one was right up there. So she massaged me while I got to watch one of my favorite TV shows. She did this for 45 minutes. Insane... And after all of that she helped me close up the house and we retired to a different part of the house for...um...other lovely stuff. And while I obviously won't go into details of that portion of my life I will say that it has been a really long time since I have enjoyed the um...finer points of a relationship...and that I have been more than pleasantly surprised in that area as well.

It all seems to lame when I type it out, probably because it isn't just that I appreciate her for her help or for the fact that she gives great back massages. But the things she says to me, and the things she asks about, and the things she actually does...well it is just different than I have ever been treated before. And I am constantly surprised and taken aback at this behavior. And then she looks at me like I'm a silly little fool for being surprised by her behavior. She seems to think that I should have always been treated like this and is constantly in shock that I have never had this before.

So yeah. It's going really well right now. It's still super early and I am not going to be that lesbian talking U Haul or anything crazy. But it's good. It's all good. So if I have been a little quiet over here...I am just trying to live this life and soak up the good parts of it. I hope you are all doing the same.

I Owe You All An Update...

Thank you for those of you who wished me well on my first date in such a long time. And most of you also asked for an update so I am here to give you one.

So a little more background for you first. I contacted her via an online dating site and we ended up exchanging emails for a little over a week, and then that progressed to text messages and finally phone calls. So by the time we met we had been talking for a quite a while and I felt super comfortable talking to her. I really liked all of our conversations and was enjoying getting to know her so I was hoping there would be a spark in person.

We met at a local wine bar for a glass of wine. When I first saw her in person I was shocked at how much she resembled someone I knew. When The Boy was a baby there were two twin sisters who took care of him at their in-home daycare. They called themselves "The Aunties." My date looked SO much like The Aunties. It was...bizarre. I kept trying to get that image out of my mind, but some of the mannerisms even seemed the same and I kept thinking in my head, "I don't want to make out with The Aunties..." (not that there would be any making out that night, but I was just trying to assess whether there would be sparks long term). So it was...weird.

However, like all of our other conversations, it was SO great to talk to her. We sat and had only one glass of wine each and ended up talking from 7:00 until 10:00 that night. I really, really liked her. At the end of the evening we did a quick kiss goodnight in the car. I went home and talked to my mom and step dad (who were watching the kids) about how I felt. I was SUPER confused. I really, really liked her. But I didn't feel any physical spark. I was super bummed about that and was hoping that I could get over the whole resemblance to these other ladies.

We continued talking and texting all week long and I pondered what to do. Even with what had happened at the date, I knew that I didn't want to stop talking to her. I didn't want to have her disappear out of my life at that point. She made me feel pretty amazing. She had all of the qualities that I would look for in another person...she was so nice and self assured, and put together in her life...and just so great in so many ways. So I decided I was going to give it another shot. I invited her over to my house on Friday night after the kids went to bed. My thought was that if I had her in the privacy of my own house for a Friday evening and at the end of the evening I still didn't feel anything then it was probably time to tell her and be honest with her. But I was really hoping that wouldn't be the case.

Turns out I needn't have worried. We ordered a pizza and got a movie and as soon as she walked in the door the vibe felt different...better. And about 20 minutes into the movie when she kissed me--really kissed me for the first time--I felt it all the way down to my toes. All of my previous worries seriously vanished and I let myself enjoy the feeling of being kissed by a pretty amazing person for the very first time in a long, long time.

Friday night was so great that she came back over on Saturday night. She came earlier on that night and met the kids and I cooked us all dinner. The kids absolutely adored her (she knew all the names of every dinosaur and dragon--The Boy thought she was sent directly to him) and because she has kids of her own she fit in very easily to a "normal" evening home with the kids. We had an amazing night on Saturday night and she even came over on Sunday night as well. Things are going beyond well right now. I had such a great weekend...and I am so happy to have met such a fantastic person.

So the moral of the story is...don't necessarily only go for the physical. If your heart feels like you are talking to someone who is worth your time, stick with it. It may go to a great place.

First Date

I am going on a date tonight. This is the first real date I have been on in over 11 years!

I have talked quite a bit to her already so I am sure it is going to go great. I am more excited than anything else. I can't even tell you how strange it feels to be doing this. I'll keep you all posted!

SO Out of Practice

I mentioned in one of my previous posts that I have ventured into the world of online dating. Right now I am registered on two sites. The experience has been...interesting.

***Let me take a moment to say that the stuff I am about to mention reflects my personal tastes and attractions in women FOR ME. I am in no way trying to offend anyone, but like with all people, there are certain "types" that I tend to be more attracted to than others. Doesn't mean I don't think those other "types" are wrong in any way, shape or form. It's just that I might not want to date them...

Okay with that out of the way, let me say that the online dating experience started off pretty much as I expected. I tend to mostly be categorized as a "femme" or a lipstick lesbian because I am very feminine looking, I wear makeup, I dress like a girl and most people who run into me on the street do not know that I am gay upon meeting me. Because of this I tend to mostly attract the more "butch" looking women. So the first several people who contacted me fell into this category. Unfortunately for me, as a general statement, this is not the type of woman I am attracted to. Of course there are some exceptions, but for the most part, my ideal mate would also be categorized as a "femme" as well. So while I chatted with several of these women, none of them presented an attraction to me. But it was a nice way to sort of dip my toe back into the waters, for lack of a better term.

I have also contacted several women that I was interested in or attracted to and I ended up being in the place where I was emailing back and forth with two women. And this is where I tell you that I am SO out of practice at this. The last time I was "dating" was 1999. I have "dated" a total of 3 women total in my entire life, and the last one was my Ex whom I was with from 2000 until 2008 (off and on at the end). And since 2008 I have been nothing but a mom. So this whole experience is completely new to me.

These are the things that I have learned so far through this process.

• I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing
• I need to start thinking about myself as something other than a "mom."
• I have no clothes at all that could be considered sexy
• Women are much bolder than I am used to

However there are also some good things that I have learned so far.

• Flirting can actually be kind of fun
• It's important to remember that I am a person too...not just a mom
• It's a nice ego boost to have other people tell you that you're pretty and sexy
• There IS life after a breakup and kids

As of now, I am really only chatting with one woman. She has a 4 year old daughter at home so she understands a lot of how my life is right now. And because of both of us being single moms we haven't made the time to try and get babysitters and meet yet. We are talking on instant message every couple of days and getting to know each other. She lives about an hour away from me and appears to be a regular woman with a full time job and a life. I like that about her. The "getting to know each other" phase is pretty fun. We will just have to see where it all ends up. Neither of us is looking to find "the one" and jump into some crazy relationship, but it would be nice to have someone to go on a date with every once in a while. Hopefully soon we can arrange a meeting.

So that's been my experience in online dating so far. Strange, yet fun, yet scary, yet exhilarating. I'll keep you all posted. :)

Hello!!

Since apparently the few readers that I still have are wondering if I'm alive and well, I feel like I should put a little something up here. And to answer that question, yes, we are all alive and well. Things are going great actually. It's been a busy summer and for once, I am trying to enjoy it and get away from the computer a little bit. As I have alluded to before, I went through a little rough patch in July but I am happy to say that things are much better and that thanks to a great therapist and the help of a pharmaceutical I feel better than I have in years. Depression is something I have struggled with on and off ever since college. I have been on anti depressants since that time, but went off of them both times when I had my kids. Shortly after The Boy was born, and around the time when my marriage fell apart, I went back on them. Then I weaned off again to get pregnant with The Girl and had been off them for 3 years since then. Well The Boy's repeated sicknesses and his battle with weight combined with the stress it takes to raise two kids by yourself, own your own business, and try and stay in your house during a horrific recession all stacked up against me and I hit a pretty low point. About the middle of July I decided it was time to go back on the meds. Best decision I have made in a long time. I feel like a new person. So if things have been quiet over here, that's pretty much why. Life was really overwhelming and then I had to deal with the inevitable side effects of going back on medication (all which have gone away at this point), and well... Here we are.

So enough of the depressing stuff. I will try and give you a quick rundown of what we've been up to. First let's start with The Boy. As I mentioned, he was really sick and lost a ton of weight and at our last gastro appointment (he gets weight checks every couple of months), I got "the look" from our doctor. He had not gained one ounce in over 6 months, and for a little dude like him, that is NOT good news. Our usual three month weigh-ins have been changed to monthly and when we go back in a couple of weeks, if there is no improvement we are going to have to put him back on an appetite stimulating medication.

I have been rethinking my stance on his food intake a lot recently. Up until lately my thoughts have been that since he puts SO little in his body in the first place, I need to make what actually goes in count. And because of that I make sure most of the things he eats are healthy and high in protein and/or carbs. I don't want him to load up on sugar just to get the calories and then crash down. So if he asked me for some Pringles or something I would usually say, "how about an apple," or "how about a string cheese." Now I am not so sure if this is the right method anymore. Maybe I just need to load him up on a ton of Oreos or something. I just don't know. But it sure is frustrating. It continues to be a work in progress.

Other than that he is doing great. He starts kindergarten at the Private Montessori school next week and he is super excited. This is his last week at his current preschool, which I LOVE, so I am sad about that. But if The Girl ever decides she will pee pee in the potty we can send her there, so hopefully we will see them again soon. He is still firmly in the dinosaur obsession and is also super into coloring and drawing right now. Still my happy little sweetheart that I love more than life.

The Girl is also doing good. I don't really know what to say about her except that she is a total character. She is so freaking funny, she makes me laugh all the time. She is also super stubborn and if she's in a mood? Watch out! But her language skills amaze me on a daily basis, her facial expressions are priceless and watching her dance is one of my favorite pasttimes. I just adore that little girl. She has fire and she has spunk. I'll post some new pictures soon.

We took a wonderful vacation up to my cabin in the mountains a couple of weeks ago and it was amazing. I have been going to that cabin since I was 2 and to now get to see my kids fall in love with it? Really an emotional experience. My son slept in the bunk bed that I always slept in. Both of my kids instantly fell in love with sitting in the river throwing rocks. They both talked all about the nature and the lakes and going out in the boat... It really filled up my emotional tank spending that time with them. Again, once I get home, I will post some pictures from that for you all to see. (I'm blogging at work...ssshhhh...don't tell).

On a totally personal note, when I was in the midst of the depression crap I had a hard time eating and as a result lost about 15 pounds. I have kept it off and added a few more to the loss column, so I am looking much better than I have in a few years. I have actually had to go out and buy some new clothes. But between that, and my meds, I feel great. And I have actually put myself out there on a couple of online dating sights. It's fun emailing and getting to know new people although I haven't gone out on any actual dates yet. But it's fun and for the first time in years, I feel like I am actually doing something for me. And that's nice. So there's that. :)

So that's what's been going on lately. I am going to try and get back into blogging again and keep you all up to date on how The Boy's new school goes as well as the other crazy escapades of our lives. If you are still here and still reading, thanks! Hope everyone had a great summer!

What? When? How?

When I re-read my latest posts I have noticed that I seem to be a bit...shall we say edgy lately. First was the post all about how I will never be able to afford my dream house in my dream neighborhood. Duh. That's not a news flash. Then my charming little snippet about how bitter I was that I was in charge of creating a Mother's Day gift for my Ex. (I think I'm going to have him draw a picture and have it framed btw...). When I looked back and wondered why the crankiness lately it all seemed to be revolving around being single.

That's kinda funny when I think about it. I mean, don't get me wrong, it isn't that I want to be single. That wasn't always a dream of mine along with the perfect house in the perfect school district. But is also wasn't something that upset me either. Well, it was when it originally happened, but since then I have really come to terms with being a single mom. I wanted to do this. I wanted to have the two kids and focus on them. My thought was that once I got through the finding a donor phase, and then the getting pregnant phase, and then the pregnancy phase, and then newborn phase, and then baby phase...then I would think about maybe finding someone. You see how that works? See how I just kept shoving that part of my life further and further away? Pushing it way far into the future so it wasn't something I had to put onto my plate of "things to deal with?"

I have a good friend who has been asking me about dating forever. For the longest time I simply wasn't ready. I couldn't even imagine going down that road. Then there was the period of time where I really wasn't in a good space to even think about it. I was still so angry and damaged from my past relationship that I had NO concept that there were people out there who didn't want to destroy me. Then there was the time when I simply couldn't imagine having a relationship not feel like it was literally sucking the life out of me. I couldn't even fathom thinking about having someone else in my life because that other person would just be someone who wanted something from me, who needed me to make them feel a certain way... And I had nothing left over to give. Everything I had to give I gave to my kids and if there was a tiny smidgen of anything left over, I needed to learn how to give it to myself.

Time has passed, and all those distractions (I lived through getting pregnant, pregnancy, babyhood...) have slowed down a bit. The time has also helped me realize that there are some nice things about being in a relationship with someone. I can see through the fog to see that another person wouldn't necessarily be sucking me dry, but perhaps I might LIKE to spend time with that person. Perhaps I would even look forward to it. Perhaps they might even bring a little extra something to my life that is missing. And perhaps figuring out how to make that happen could be giving myself that extra something that I need. Maybe that is what I need to do FOR myself, you know?

So now, almost exactly (wow, just did the math...trippy timing of this post) two years after The Ex and I broke up for good, I can officially; kinda sorta, say that I am ready to start dating. Gulp. Did I just say that out loud? But here's the funny part. When I finally get to this point, when I finally realize that it might be okay, and that it isn't the scariest thing in the world...I have to figure out how the hell to make that happen. I mean seriously. I am a single mother who owns her own business and works almost full time. When the hell do I fit in dating? Because there isn't a moment of any day that goes by with me sitting on the couch with my feet up thinking, "Wow, lots of spare time on my hands...wonder what I should do to pass the time?" I mean seriously. When exactly am I supposed to make this happen? During the time of day after I pick my kids up from daycare and before I put them to bed? I think not. During the hour long period of the evening after I've put my kids to bed before I retire myself? Seriously...where am I supposed to fit it in?

AND. Say I have carved out a little slice of time in my life to make this happen. Say I have hired a babysitter for one night a week to go out for 3 hours to enjoy myself. How the hell do I find someone to go out with? I am 35 years old and have two kids. The last time I dated was when I was 26 years old. Things are a little different now. I can't wait until it's "Girl's Night" at the local gay bar and go out and have a few drinks and see what happens. I can't roam The Castro giving looks to the ladies I think are hot. It has been nearly 10 years and I have NO IDEA how to go about finding a date. What do you do once you are past the bar scene? Seriously. I know there are the internet dating sites, but is that my only option? Do I have to try and take some flattering photos of myself and try and write something witty to post out on the internet for all to see and hope someone finds me mildly attractive? Plus, I know for almost a fact that my Ex frequents almost all of those internet dating sites and I just don't feel like I want her able to see me throwing myself out there. I don't want her to have that power. Plus, she's been dating forever. She's an old hand at this. She would look at my rookie ways and laugh. Or at least I feel like that'd be what she was doing. Ideally I would love someone who knows me well to say, "Hey, I know the perfect person for you. We are actually having a big BBQ at our house this weekend and she'll be there. Why don't you stop by and see..." And then I go to their house and this woman is beautiful (to me, not necessarily beautiful in the aesthetic sense of the word) and fabulous and we are like perfect little lesbians who meet and ride off into the sunset together.

But I know that's not how it is going to happen. I know most of my readers are happily coupled with their partner of choice, but does anyone have any advice? If after 10 years of being out of the loop, once one decides she might be ready to start dating again...how the hell does one go about doing it?