A Great Holiday

Those of you who know me in real life know that there was a bit of drama this holiday season regarding my family and when we were going to celebrate each occasion and with whom. Since I don't really talk about my family on my blog, I will spare you the details but let you in on the important part. I had to fight hard to have one day this holiday where my kids and I were not obligated to go anywhere or do anything. That day turned out to be Christmas Day. And what a wonderful day it was. I am SO glad I went through what I did to be able to have a day at home with my kids.

Of course it really started the moment we got home from the Christmas Eve festivities. The Boy got all ready for bed and then had to leave the cookies and milk for Santa and the carrots for Rudolph... Look at the anticipation on his little face. I swear if I could bottle that magical feeling...

(Note to the future: Perhaps if one's child is going to leave cookies for said "Santa," then perhaps said Mommy should buy some cookies she actually likes. I hate those damn chocolate things...but it was all we had in the house...)

And once the children were all snug in their heads with their visions of sugar plums... Then it was time for me to get to work. Fortunately The Ex and I had a good agreement this year. I paid for all the Santa stuff, but I sent it all home with her in the boxes and made her put it all together. Therefore once the kids were in bed, I went underneath the quilt in my room and found everything ready to be wheeled out. Here is the loot: Stockings for both of course, a Skuut Balance Bike for The Boy, his Bat Cave (the only thing he actually asked Santa for besides flash cards...), a new cradle and new dolly for Peanut, a new shopping cart for her as well, and then a Crayola drawing thing that they will both share...
Note the movie that is on the TV--mandatory for Christmas Eve in my house! And then I had a glass of wine and went to bed. The Boy got up about 7:15am and we texted The Ex (who was coming over for Santa time in the morning--how nice am I?) and while we waited for her The Girl got up and enjoyed her morning milk and then they tore out into the living room at about 7:45am. Not too bad. Of course The Boy LOVED, loved, loved his batcave...
The Girl was a fan of her shopping cart and didn't so much care about her dolly or her cradle, although she has really used and enjoyed both of them since then. I think her favorite gifts would be the shopping cart and this other dolly with a bottle...because apparently it's ALL about the bottle. Who knew?
And as you see in the above picture, The Girl stayed in her jammies all day long. It was fabulous. We had The Ex here until about 10:00 in the morning and then she left and it was just me and the kids until about 2:30 when my mom, step dad and grandmother came over. We had a mellow afternoon and had some good food, but it was SO relaxing and so lovely. I really had a great day. I am so unbelievably lucky to have the kids that I do and the family that I do. I really realized that this holiday season. Perhaps because my 94 year old grandmother is getting up there, or perhaps because I don't have a partner...but for whatever reason, I was eternally grateful to have the life that I do.

And then the next day, instead of being anal-retentive girl and ripping down all of Christmas I had a leisurely morning and took the kids on a walk. It was a great weekend. Exactly what the holidays SHOULD be.
Hope you all had a wonderful weekend as well, however you celebrate. And here's to a great 2011!

Too Quiet

For only the second time in his entire little life, The Boy is spending the night at The Ex's house. My therapist seems to think that I need to try and encourage this happening more often, although I tend to disagree. Selfishly, I love having my boy around. I don't need him to go away. It isn't like I have some hot date that I am going to go on when he is gone. I just have one less child in the house. And it's quiet. Too quiet. And I don't like it.

I should clarify that if The Ex asked me to have him spend the night more regularly I would totally let it happen. But she doesn't. In fact, I had to have three conversations with her to make tonight happen. She says all the "right" things when we talk about it. "Of course I would LOVE to have him come and stay with me...I miss him so much..." So I suggested that perhaps we should start having him spend the night one Friday night a month. She thought that was a GREAT idea. But then she never brought it up again. When I mentioned it to her, she reiterated that she thought it was a great idea, but this particular weekend wasn't good for whatever reason. So when she told me she was going out of town for a week to Mexico with her new girlfriend I proposed again that perhaps she could take her son this Friday before she leaves. She finally agreed.

One would think that if The Ex is taking The Boy for a night then perhaps I would have a night off, right? Well...no. That apparently isn't how it works. Even though The Boy was SO excited he might have jumped out of his skin, and woke up every day this week asking me, "Is today the day I get to have a sleep over at Mom's house?" (So freaking sweet he makes me want to die...) I apparently don't get much of a break. When I still hadn't heard from her at 5:30 I was getting worried she would flake and then I would have to kill her and then I would be in jail, and really, that isn't good for either one of my kids... So I texted her and asked, "What's your timing for tonight?" She texted back, "I'll be there at 7:00pm." So...let me get this straight. You are "taking him" for the night to give me a night off yet I still have to feed him dinner, get him in his jammies and get him packed up for his night away with you? That's helpful. She got here right about 7:00 and after they packed up his toys that I hadn't included (because she let's him watch Spiderman, which I don't because of the violence, so she had to get a bunch of Spiderman toys...but I digress) she left at about 7:30pm. He goes to bed at around 8:00. So my "night off" consisted of a half an hour less with my child. And not only that, but it is during this time of night that I am done cleaning up after dinner and enjoying my kids. I try to be "done" with everything by around 7:00 each night so I can have some quality time with them for at least an hour before bedtime. So I still had all the work I normally do, but I just got less of the "good stuff."

No, I'm not bitter. I'm really not. Want to know why? Because my boy is SO happy. He is SO excited to go and I know he's having a great time. And really, when it all comes down to it, that's really all that matters. But...The Girl is in bed...and The Boy is not. Besides the 3 nights that I was in the hospital giving birth to his sister, this is only the second time ever in his entire four and a half years on this planet that he hasn't been with me. I am doing what's best for him, and I always will. No matter how uncomfortable it makes me. But I miss him. And it's quiet. Far too quiet.

Anniversaries

Today is the 2 year anniversary of my blog. I just went back and read that first post, and it is amazing how much things have changed. Just amazing.

For one thing, when I wrote "The Back Story," I didn't seem nearly as angry with The Ex as I feel like I was (or am). I seemed sad but somehow at peace. I think I even went so far as to say that we had both tried our best and that it just hadn't worked out. Two years later that is NOT my memories. I am still really angry. I am angry that my son didn't get the family he was supposed to. And for some reason that anger overrides my completely knowledge that *I* am a much happier person without her in my life. It's strange really. Looking back, I was saddened to read about how hard the split was on my son. But today it is better for him. He is a happy dude who truly has no recollection of when his moms lived together. Divorce is a hard, hard thing. I don't know if you ever completely recover from it. Not a day goes by that I don't get frustrated or angry or disappointed in something having to do with The Ex and how our lives played out.

Just yesterday I was talking to her on the phone about a possible school for our son (another post) and she mentioned how she had to go through some old computer files at work and she found pictures of the two of us right when we bought this house and we just looked so content and happy. And then she found pictures of us turning the office into a nursery for The Boy and she mentioned how it just made her smile. She said that was such a great time in her life. And all I could think was, "Really? Really?!?!?! That was a great time? Because 4 months after he was born you were out of here." It appears that somehow all of my memories have gotten tainted. I can't remember the "good times." And when I do? I feel like I was being duped. I told my mom today about her telling me about these pictures and I said that I really wished I could see the world through her rose colored glasses. That is one thing she has always been good at. She is a "grass is always greener kind of person" and for her the past and/or the future are all going to be wonderful. But the present? It always sucked. When we were together she would talk about how wonderful it was when we first met...and how wonderful it was going to be when we finally had our baby...but for some reason the place we actually were always seemed to bring her misery. It was never enough. And I marvel that today she can look back on those times and "smile" because of "how wonderful a time in her life it was." I remember the truth. She was miserable in our old house and she practically MADE me sell it and buy the house I currently live in. We were knee deep in trying to get pregnant and I was on all sorts of hormone shots and I was emotionally a mess. Last thing I wanted to do was sell a house and then buy a new one. But she was determined. It was what was going to "fix everything." That new house...THAT would be what would finally make her happy. Make her feel at peace. And guess what? Like every project we took on...it never did. Nothing ever did until she got up and left the situation. And now, two years later she looks back on it like the best time of her life. She told me the other day that if I would just stop "playing hard to get and take her back" that she would make me SO happy. I just laughed. I gave her that chance and the irony of the situation was that it was HER that was never happy. I couldn't make her happy or make her feel loved no matter how hard I tried. And I have no interest in taking on that battle again. Ever.

Whew...I guess someone needed to vent a little huh? Sorry about that... Like I said, divorce is hard.

BUT. Let's talk about nice things. Let's talk about the fantastic things that have happened in the last two years since I have had this blog. First of all...a little trip down memory lane. Here is what The Boy looked like when I started this blog:

He was a BABY. A little tiny dude that had major speech issues and major health issues but who was nonetheless the major love of my life. That part hasn't changed but the rest has. He's still a little dude, although he is growing. But he talks like pretty much all the other 4 year olds I know, with a few exceptions. And besides not eating and not gaining weight (which is just pretty much par for the course at this point), he is the picture of health. We haven't had a hospital visit and he hasn't been diagnosed as "failure to thrive" in...I don't even know how long. He is doing great in pre school and is a smart, attentive, sensitive amazing little dude. And he is still the major love in my life. Check out the before and after:
And then there's the major life change that has gone on for the past two years. My precious daughter. One of the reasons I started this blog was to document the journey that became Peanut. It was a long journey and one that was not ever easy. But most things that are worth fighting for are not. And she is no exception. She was just a glimmer in my head and my heart two years ago. And here she is today. Loud and crazy and happy and wonderful and just a giant smile to my day. Every day. She truly is my ray of sunshine. I adore that little girl. Here we are last week visiting a winery that is one of my clients. I like this pic because we were trying to make her smile and she was far too busy blowing raspberries with her lips to care. Gotta love her for that...
Great things have happened in the past two years. Clearly I still have a bit of healing to do. And like I mentioned above, I am not sure if I will ever fully be healed. But I am in SUCH a better place now than I was then. I am so happy to be two years out and to have my complete family. I feel at peace. I feel relaxed. I feel proud and honored to be able to be a mom to these two great kids. And I am thrilled to have made it through it all.

Some Anger on an Otherwise Delightful Day

How do you move on? How do you just "get over it?" Not for her, but for ME. I am tired of these feelings of anger coloring my happy times. It isn't fair. And they are my issues so I have no one to blame but myself.

I should back up a little.

In the effort of giving my son the best life possible and the happiest birthday of all time I included his Mom in the festivities. And that really did make him happy. For him, he was surrounded by everyone who loves him dearly. And he had a great day filled with joy and with love. And she was fine. She loves him dearly. And there really is no problem including her. She is pleasant and nice and sweet and does her best to be really great. It honestly isn't her. It's me.

I was cranky. I couldn't shake it. It started this morning when she called to wish The Boy a happy birthday. I gave the phone to him and let her do her thing. After she was done she told him to give the phone back to me. She said, "Can you believe 4 years ago we were in the hospital and you were in labor right now and I was calling your mom...and then we ended up with our precious little boy...?" "Doesn't that make you all warm and fuzzy?"

No. Not it doesn't. Because all I can think about is on that day at that time I truly thought I was going to give my son the greatest life with two moms who loved him more than anything. I thought we were going to raise him together and teach him about love and relationships and watch him grow and we were going to be a family together. And then 4 months after that she told me she wasn't sure if she loved me anymore. And on his 6 month birthday she moved out. And my world fell apart.

And damnit if thinking of his birth directly takes me to those following feelings. I don't want it to. I want to think about that day, the day my precious boy was brought into the world, and just get to remember the joy there. But I don't. And I feel like she robbed me of that. And now, you call me up and expect me to swoon at the memory? Sorry. I don't remember it like that. I can't look at you over the dinner table and share a smile and know that together we made the most perfect boy in the whole world. I look at you over the table and think...you walked away from the most perfect boy in the world. You left me to do this on my own. And now you sit here and smile and pretend like you were always there and that you should get to have the same feeling of parental pride over what an amazing kid he turned out to be.

And I'm so angry about that. Angry about what happened almost 4 years ago, but mostly angry that on a day like today, a day that should have nothing but love and smiles in it, those memories creep back in. What she did has forever tainted my memories. And I want them back. I want them back for my son. I want to get past it all. Not because I need to forgive her. But because I want my joy back. I want to look at that little boy and not feel like we were abandoned. I want to have a special day without remembering the SHIT that went along with it. And I wonder if that will ever be the case.

The End of An Era

I have been somewhat quiet over here on my blog lately. Part of that is because I have been so unbelievably busy trying to gain some sort of normalcy in my life again, and part of that is because emotionally things have been kind of rough for me lately. I do not want this blog to become a place where I do nothing but vent about the daily frustrations about my life, and yet, when I think in my head about blog topics to write about they all inevitably end up going down that road.

I remind myself that this blog is my public diary; a place to essentially record what is going on in my daily life. A place to come back to in later years and remember what I went through to get where I end up. And in that vain, I don't want everything to be all flowery and sugar coated. The fact is that I am in a HUGE transition in my life, and the Virgo in me abhors all things change. And the times? Yes, they are a changin'.

I have spent plenty of time on this blog talking about the ending of my relationship. I don't need to go into that further. But I will explain that the process of breaking up with someone who you have been with for a long period of time (almost 8 years in my particular case) is not a short process. Sure the decision to end things and the moving out process may only take a couple of months. But then the emotional fall out keeps going. It goes, and then you heal a little bit, and then something happens and you feel the fall again. And then you get back up and move on, and then something happens and you feel it again. It is a long process to actually emotionally rid someone from the space in your mind that you have reserved for whomever is closest to you. Even when you think you have been successful at this, sometimes things happen that bring you back to a place you thought you were clear of. I am not sure if it is The Ex's recent exploration of a new relationship, or the fact that just this last weekend she finally cleaned out a bunch of stuff of hers out of my garage, or just the fact that perhaps, FINALLY, I am ready to move on. But the end of the era has come. Don't get me wrong, I still feel it. I still feel the sadness and the let down that comes from failing at something that I tried so hard at, but for some reason it doesn't have that pull on me anymore. Not only am I genuinely happy for her new relationship, I am also genuinely happy that it isn't with me. I hope that doesn't sound horrible, but to me, it signals the fact that I might actually be ready to move on. End of a long era on that one.

The other ending is with my business. I don't talk too much about that on here for privacy sake of my clients, but now that things are done I can say this. For almost 10 years my biggest and most time consuming client has been a family that owns several properties. I manage the finances for all of their properties. About a year and a half ago one of the owners decided he wanted out. So beginning last May, all of the properties were put on the market. Yesterday escrow closed on the last remaining property. The process of selling these properties has had a HUGE part in the level of stress my work life has taken on recently. Obviously with the knowledge that all the properties were going to be sold comes the realization that I would be losing my biggest client. Therefore I needed to take on new clients to make up for the loss of this one. So take on new clients I did. But...it took a REALLY long time for all the properties to go away. So for the last several months I have been trying to give the new clients the attention they deserve, while also trying to close up shop on my old client. We have been in and out of escrow several times on all of the properties and the amount of extra work that comes with having to provide real estate agents and escrow officers with extra financials has taken its toll. I am exhausted, and stretched beyond what my little body is capable of doing. Every single day I work my usual work schedule and then when The Boy goes to bed at night I am back at my computer for at least 2 hours trying to play catch up. Before all this started, when The Boy would take a nap on the weekends I would either nap as well, or else just relax and catch up on some TV, but that has all ceased. Everything in my world is somehow about making sure not to drop the ball on any of my clients. And a couple of times the ball did get dropped. And I have a hard time living with that. I am as anal retentive as they come and in the 11 years of being a self employed bookkeeper I can honestly say that I have never made a mistake that cost anyone more than $100 for anything. I pride myself on my record. In the month of January alone I made two mistakes. And one of those is costing me over $600 out of my own pocket (because if I screw up, I take responsibility for it). This kills me. And truly, over the past two months, my work situation as whole has tried to kill me.

But with the closing of this final escrow I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. For the first time, I am not so bogged down in how the hell to manage everything that I am actually seeing that, wow, in a couple of months I will no longer be working for these people. Like I said, this client has been the staple in my financial life for over 10 years. I will be fine financially because of my new prospects and new clients, but wow. It will take up until I leave on maternity leave to close up shop on this final property and get everything settled to move on. But when I leave in the middle of April (please let me make it that far, please let me make it that far...) I will not be returning to the work life I have known. The end of an era indeed.

And finally (if you have continued to read this long you deserve a metal...) it is the end of the time between just The Boy and myself. We are a team my little dude and I. We have been through SO MUCH in the past three years together. Now I won't get all weepy on you (well I might, but you can't see it!) and say that it is over because I know that it isn't. But we are adding someone else into the mix. I truly believe that this little girl is going to enhance our lives in ways that we can't even imagine yet. I simply cannot wait to see what an amazing big brother he is going to be. And I can't wait to see how she changes our lives for the better. But the fact remains that our time, just the two of us, Mommy and Boy against the world, is coming to a close. We are going from two to three. And I can't really even wrap my mind around how fantastic that really is.

All of these things that are changing are good. I am ready for all of these "era's" to be done. I am ready to see what this next phase of my life holds. I have hope and I have dreams and I have wishes for all of us. I am ready to see who the next person in my life is going to be and what she's going to bring to all of our lives. I am ready for the next phase in my career to get started. And most of all, I am ready to meet this precious little girl who is going to change our lives in ways that I can't even imagine yet. Sure this process has been hard, and the past couple of months have been really rough, but what is coming is bound to be so great. It will be what I make it to be. And I am going to make it spectacular.

When Someone Says, "I have Some News..."

Oh how very different the outcomes can be...

I heard that phrase twice last night.  The first time it was wonderful news.  I had taken one of my BFF out to dinner to celebrate her birthday that I had missed when we were in Hawaii.  Right before we placed our drink order she told me, "Well, I have some news."  It was followed by "We are pregnant."  Woo Hoo!!  How happy was I?  This is my oldest and dearest friend and we have been close since 7th grade.  Not only that, but her son is 4 1/2 months younger than my son.  So our kids are the same age.  And now?  Well now her second child will be 4 months younger than my second child.  How perfect is that?    I was so unbelievably excited and happy for her and her husband.  They are such a wonderful couple and truly one of those couples that I look to with envy and hope that I might find a partner one day and have the type of relationship that they have.  I could not have been happier for her.

I have 3 close girlfriends in my life.  And as of now, 2 of them are pregnant at the same time that I am.  It is such a wonderful thing to be able to raise your kids while your friends are going through it at the same time.  It makes for wonderful BBQ's and future family/friend vacations and allows you to seek advice from the people you trust most when going through the most challenging thing in the world:  Parenting.  And my other girlfriend that isn't pregnant?  Well she already has two kids and I don't think even I can convince her to bust out one more.  But her kids are around the same age as mine are, so I continue to be lucky in having my best friends to turn to when challenges arise.  So this was fabulous news indeed.

When I got home from dinner I sat down on my couch to rest my protruding stomach (because that milk shake after dinner was complete overkill and I felt as though I might burst from being so full).  The Ex, who had been watching The Boy, turned off the TV and turned to me and said, "Well, I have some news."  Of course I immediately assumed the worst.  She had lost her job, she was sick, something bad was surely about to happen...

But it wasn't necessarily bad news.  She has met someone.  And it looks as though it might get serious.  She has dated since we have split up, but it has never been anyone who would permanently stick around.  Well it seems as though this one might.  Unlike her previous girlfriends, this woman is an adult.  She is an adult who has a professional career, owns her own home, and quite honestly, sounds like a lovely woman.  To be totally honest, I really am very happy for The Ex.  Believe it or not, I want her to find love.  I want her to live a happy and fulfilling life.  And just because that wasn't the path for the two of us, that doesn't mean that I don't wish that for her.  And I give her credit for coming to me in the honest and truthful way that she did.  This is someone who will eventually meet our son (she hasn't met him yet), and if things go well, will eventually be someone who is a part of our son's life.  She takes that seriously and I appreciated how she came to me to talk to me about it.  It was a sad moment for both of us, and she cried while telling me about it.  She expressed that it was bittersweet because while she is happy and excited about her new relationship, it also highlights the fact that ours didn't turn out the way we wanted.  But she seems genuinely happy and I am truly happy for her.  It's just that...

Well I would like to have that too.  And no, hearing this news doesn't make me want my Ex back.  It doesn't take me down the path of memory lane and wish that I could turn back the clock and "do it right this time."  But it does make me wish that I too could find a new relationship.  It makes me hope for the future when I am in a place to do that.  Right now obviously isn't the time.  I am 25 weeks pregnant and that is not the time to do anything drastic.  For God's sake they say to not even get your hair cut differently while the pregnancy hormones are raging, so it definitely isn't the time to go out and get involved in a new relationship.  But I do miss that.  I miss having a partner.  I miss that feeling of having someone close to you and someone to lean on and trust.  And I miss the physical touch of another woman probably more than I should (again with the pregnancy hormones).  But it isn't my time...yet.  I made a conscious decision to have this second child on my own.  I made that decision knowing that it meant that I would be putting my personal life on hold for a little while to focus on building my family.  And I am still okay with that decision.  I still think it is the best decision for ME, and also for my growing family.  But hearing this news from The Ex just makes me feel a little...well I guess it is a little jealous.  Not jealous of her per se, but jealous of what she has found.  And it makes me feel wishful.  Wishful for my future.  Hopefully one day I will be writing a post about the wonderful new woman I have found to be a part of my family.  It just isn't my time yet.

And in the meantime...I am genuinely happy for both of the women who gave me "news" last night.  I truly am.  It just goes to show that you never can tell when what emotions are going to come up when someone close to you comes up to you and says, "Well, I have some news..."

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

I don't write much about The Ex on this blog because I respect her and I respect her privacy. I am going to let my shield down a little bit because I feel like, for anyone who has gone through a breakup, this post needs to be said. It is damn hard to break up with someone. Especially someone who you truly thought you would spend the rest of your life with. And even when we think we are over it, something will happen to bring that tear to your eye and remind you that life has a way of doing what it wants. That no matter how much you plan and hope, it is going to go its own way.

I have mentioned briefly on here that The Ex is buying herself a new house. Like everywhere in the US, the housing market is in the crapper here in California. And because of that, there are houses on the market that have been foreclosed upon for a MUCH lower price than they would normally sell for. Now keep in mind this generally means that the house has been somewhat thrashed. And buying a house in foreclosure is not all roses and honey. The process is hard, the appraisals are hard, and often the condition of the house itself is more than hard. That is the case with the house that The Ex has bought. She moved in this last weekend.

I need to have a little aside here to note something about The Ex. She is a handy-woman extraordinaire. That girl is a master with a drill and a saw and a...oh who am I kidding? The tools! The shit she uses to make nasty things come out beautiful. In the 8 years that we were together she managed to make our house look quite beautiful and elegant. And the majority of the time she either built it from scratch, or was able to refinish it in a way that made it look brand new. We often joked that she missed her calling and should have "flipped houses" as a career. So when she found this old craftsman house, for a STEAL of a price, with original woodwork and crown moldings and amazing columns of wood that had not been painted since the house was built in 1915, she knew she could not turn it down. So she bought it. Knowing her as well as I do, I knew that this was THE project for her. I have absolutely no doubt that she is capable of making this house a beautiful, amazing house that will sell for hundreds of thousands of dollars more than she paid for it. She has the ability and the talent to make this house into what it once was.

That being said, the house in its current condition is just...scary. To say the least. I took The Boy over there on Sunday to see "Mom's new house." It really is a diamond in the rough. I see the original details and craftsman wooding that she saw when she bought it. I can see far enough into the future to see what it will become. But right now? The driveway is too narrow for even her small car to park in (in fact she scraped her door trying to park in it). The stairs are cracked and broken. The paint is completely chipped off. And then you go inside... The front rooms are not all that bad. But the kitchen? It smells of urine and poop. There are no working appliances. The windows have cracks in them from where people threw rocks through them. The one bathroom has walls covered in mold. The sink doesn't work because it leaks and is therefore shut off. The bathtub is somewhat rotted and has a sad metal ring over it where a shower curtain must have once hung. Some of the lights don't work. The house is on a busy street right across from a huge church and next door to a "super mercado" that has Mexican blankets hanging in the windows as curtains. The next door neighbors informed her nicely that they sometimes like to have sex outdoors so she might want to invest in curtains. I could go on...

She showed us around this house and told us of her plans for all the rooms and made sure that we knew we were just here to see the "before" of what will become. Meanwhile The Boy is so thrilled to see her and wants to play with her toolbox and run his cars through her new house. He sits down on the kitchen floor to play with a tool as we all sort of inwardly cringe at the thought of him sitting on that floor. He looks lovingly up to his Mom and says, "Mom, sit! Play wit me!" And she does. And as she is offering me up the remainder of her dishwasher detergent (obviously no dishwasher here) she starts to cry a little. And then a lot. I go over to her and put my arms around her and just hold on. This house is the result of our demise. She is putting on a brave face but really...she doesn't want to be refinishing a house at this stage of her life. She already did that with the first house that we bought together and then sold 2 years later. She is completely starting over.

And as I packed The Boy into my car and watched him blow her kisses and scream "Love you Mom..." out the window as we drove away I just lost it. I had one of those, "How the hell did we get here?" moments. I mean really. When we met over 8 years ago and started our life together we had no idea that now, 8 years later, our son would not be living in the same house with both of his moms. That we would consider each other best friends, but not lovers. We were so in love and had such good intentions that it would last a lifetime. And now? Now she is starting over in a shithole of a house that she has to re-do from scratch. I am pregnant and alone. And sometimes the world just seems so unfair. In terms of timing, she left me the first time back when The Boy was 6 months old. That is almost 2 1/2 years ago. We did briefly reconcile, but really the relationship has been permanently damaged from that point on. And most days? Most days I am okay with it. Most of the time I KNOW that we did the right thing for each other and for our son. And most days I am very thankful for the relationship that we have now. But yesterday? Yesterday I was just sad. Life doesn't always give you what you want. Life doesn't go the way we plan it. And even when you think you have adjusted and moved on, something will happen that will make it hurt all over again. Just like it did when it first happened.

A Sad Weekend

Even I am getting sick of my posts where I don't do anything but whine about how miserable I am feeling and all the sad crap going on right now, so I have been sorta quiet lately. This will be a quick post to catch up and then I promise that my future posts will be more light hearted and fun.


Thursday night was my final couples counseling with The Ex. It was tough. Again, I won't go into the details here but let's just say that she walked out halfway through the session. So it was a tough emotional night for all. I left counseling and went to my mom's house to pick up The Boy. When we got home there was a message on my voicemail. My caller ID said, "United Emergency Services," so I kinda freaked out as I was checking the voicemail. Turns out it was a feline member of my family. My cat Ranger had been hit by a car. He was hit a couple of blocks away and someone had (kindly) taken him to the emergency place. I have an ID chip in them (put in when he was spayed) so they scanned him when he got there and left me a message. I called them back immediately and they wanted me to come right down. I explained that I had a 2 year old in bed (it was 8:15pm at this point) and asked if he was still alive. They told me they don't usually release any information until someone had ID'ed the body (not a good sign) but spared me and put the doctor on the phone. He had been hit and had head trauma. When they brought him in his heart was still going, but there was nothing going on upstairs, so they did the humane thing and euthanized him. So unbelievably sad.


He was only a year and a half old. He was born in February of 2007 and I got him in April of 2007. Ironically, just that afternoon, I had gotten off work a little early and came home to take a nap before couples counseling. He slept with me on my bed during my entire nap. We cuddled. When I left for counseling, I let him out. "Have fun Range, see you later," is what I said to him as I drove away. So while this is quite devastating for me, I have to say that I am SO glad that I had that ID chip put into him. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have known what had happened to him. I would have wondered why he didn't come home and started looking at the pound etc. To have the finality of the phone call helped tremendously. It was a horrible phone call to get, but again, I am so glad to have gotten it. When I adopted him, I also adopted his sister, Lulu. I don't know how cats know these things, but she knew. She followed me around all night (actually all weekend) meowing. She never does that. All weekend long I tried to get myself to post a little RIP Ranger post with his pictures but everytime I thought about it I burst into tears so I didn't.


Between the finality of my final couples counseling and the loss of my cat, not to mention the fact that I still feel horrifically shitty most of the time, it was a rough weekend for me. So like I said, I will leave this post now and hopefully join you back in the future with happier news to report. I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend.

Skirting the Issue

I try very hard to not blog about certain things in my life. My family, which could be an entire blog by itself, is pretty much off limits. And I try very hard to not blog about negative things where The Ex is concerned. After all, one day The Boy might read the contents of this blog. And I wouldn't want him to ever hear me say anything negative about his Mom. And god forbid The Ex herself were to ever discover this blog. There isn't enough money in therapy to fix what would happen if that were to happen. So I found myself all weekend long trying to come up with things to blog about that didn't include either of those subjects. Some of the things I came up with was the ever-favorite filler post about the new fall TV shows that are coming up. Or the ever-boring and repetitive post about how much morning/all day sickness sucks. But really I don't want to write about either of those things. I struggle between allowing this blog to truly be my outlet, or whether it is a future diary for my children to read. And I haven't really decided what the answer is.



But I do know one thing. When I started reading blogs (when I was home on maternity leave with The Boy) I was touched by how personal the stories/posts were. In those early days of motherhood, I really needed to hear those personal stories. And then as I sought out other blogs of things that I had experienced (infertility as one example), I felt such comfort in reading a post that paralleled my life in some way or another. But what I never found, and what I still don't see a lot of is blogs that deal with the break up of lesbian relationships. Especially after kids. Either it is a very unheard of occurance, or else people just don't talk about it. Now I am sure there are many single mother after divorce blogs out there, and to be honest, I haven't really looked for any. I like to stay right here in my own little community of lesbian parents and their blogs. As I have mentioned before, I don't have any other lesbian parents in my group of friends. So I use these blogs, and the women listed in my blogroll to the right, as my peer group. I read their posts and stories much like I am sitting in a bar having a beer with these women. And it makes me feel better. It makes me feel like I am part of a community where my son is NOT the only child of a gay couple that I know. But I never hear about any issues with the relationship themselves. Is it that it is too taboo to post about such things? Are we somehow afraid that if we admit that our relationships have shitty points as well then we are somehow devaluing further the validity of our partnerships? Or is it a sense of respect for our partners? Is it because as lesbians, we generally (HUGE stereotype coming here) end up friends with our exes, and therefore don't want to say negative things in the big, open world of the internet? Is it because sometimes one partner is much more private than the other, and frankly the other partner wishes we wouldn't post the stuff we do out there, much less anything personal? Why is it? I wonder this often. And when I started my blog, I wanted to be one of the first to tread the terrain of living life as a single mother after my lesbian relationship went kaput. I wanted to talk about this stuff. Because I know that as I read, I sometimes feel very alone. I feel like I am the only asshole lesbian who had a child with someone else and couldn't make it work. I look at all the other people I read and I wish that I had their seemingly perfect partners and relationships. And sometimes I feel like a failure. Now any relationship ending breeds feelings of failure. This isn't specific to the lesbians in general. And I know that no relationship is made up of "perfect partners and relationships." So I don't mean to generalize and I don't mean to insinuate that the women who's blogs I read have perfect relationships without their pitfalls. It's just that I don't get to read about them very often. So I don't get that lovely feeling of knowing that I am not the only one.



Yet here I am perpetuating exactly what I wanted to avoid. I haven't posted about what's going on with The Ex. I have posted about The Boy and the pregnancy and avoided the stress that is currently going down with The Ex. For what? To protect her? To protect myself in some crazy, future lawsuit where my words could be used against me? For whatever reason, this is hard stuff to post about. In fact I have written this long just avoiding talking about it. But for me, I am going to try and talk. I will try and keep things simple and non-judgemental, but I want to talk about my truths.



And right now my truths include ending up back in couples therapy to deal with the fact that The Ex is "very upset, and hurt, and angry" at the fact that I made the decision to have another baby without talking to her about it first. And in that regard, even though I worked my ASS off to create the financial stability to raise this child on my own, The Ex then gets to come to me and tell me she simply can't afford to keep giving me the amount of money a month that we agreed on. So basically all the planning I did and hard work I did to create enough money to just make it, has to be "fixed" yet again. And I am very angry about this. And yet, somehow my pregnancy and my future child have become all about her. Again. And truthfully? Right now I don't have the energy to deal with all of this.



It is taking all I have to not go back and delete these words that I have just written. It turns out it is damn hard to talk about this stuff on the internet for the whole world to see. So maybe I understand why I don't read so much of it. But damnit, I am going to try and start the trend. Maybe then one day people will be able to talk freely about this and we can receive comfort in this area in the same way that blogs bring us comfort in so many other ways. Here's to trying.

Monday Randomness

• Is anyone watching the show Must Love Kids on TLC? If you're not, it's about 3 single moms who are "finally ready" to join the dating pool again. The potential dates have to interact with not only the women, but also their kids. As a single mom, I wanted to check it out. While I am mostly enjoying the show I had to mention that one of the moms has a kid that is SO out of control that none of the men seem to want to spend more time with her. She's a pretty hot looking woman, but man, as soon as you introduce her little daughter into the mix, she just plain isn't worth it. We are getting to the end of the show and she might finally be understanding that perhaps some of her parenting choices are affecting the fact the she is still single. Kids need boundaries. They count on us as parents to provide them for them. I'm just saying...
• So it appears that one of my cats has been adopted by a neighbor of mine. All of my cats are outdoor/indoor cats and one in particular came home the other night with a new collar on him. A collar with a BELL, no less. I would never humiliate one of my cats with a bell collar. How are they supposed to catch the birds and mice with a big ole bell hanging off of them? But seriously? It's MY cat. And he did have a collar. So apparently they took off his collar and put on their own? Who does that? The Ex said that she has seen him slutting around with the kids that live in the house a couple of houses down from me. She even saw one of the kids carry him inside once. What do I do about this? Do I do nothing and just allow us to "share" the cat? Or do I take the damn bell collar off and put his old one back on with an address tag stating that he has an owner? Or do I simply wander down to their house and nicely ask if they are the ones who have been giving my cat the extra love as of late? I have several cats, so I suppose I am fine to share. But still. Who does that? Maybe they seriously think he doesn't have a home and are just trying to take care of him. He is kinda skinny... But he's only a little over a year old and I adopted him and his sister together, so I would kinda like to keep them both. Very strange...
• My hormones are OUT OF CONTROL!! I swear I feel like crying at everything! I practically burst into tears when dropping The Boy off at school today. Why? I have no idea. I just wanted to keep him close to me. When he said, "No, Mommy stay..." I seriously considered it. "I could take a day off I suppose..." What the hell? I can't take a day off, and why would I want to? Plus, last night I had to discipline him after he poured the contents of his water cup all over the dining room table and rubbed it around with his hands. My discipline made him cry. No news there. And I felt like a giant asshole. I swear I can still see his hurt little eyes crying and it makes my heart break. What the hell is wrong with me? Good lord...
• The Boy's "baby Daddy" came over for a visit yesterday. He lives out of state and doesn't really see him all that often. Sometimes it is a fine visit, and sometimes he leaves and my blood pressure is through the roof and I swear I have to make an extra visit to my therapist to be able to handle it at all. Yesterday he was fine. We hadn't seen him since the beginning of April, so he didn't know that The Ex and I had officially broken up. We told him. He also most certainly didn't know that I was pregnant again. We told him that too. And he took both in stride. He was actually very pleasant and just seemed to genuinely enjoy the time he was able to spend with The Boy. AND he brought me card for my birthday. (I have NO idea when his birthday is...). And inside the card? An $100 bill. Holy shit. Wonders never cease.
• The Ex is going to make an offer on buying her own house (we co-own the house that I live in). While that certainly makes sense, it means that I have to come up with the money to buy her out of our current house. She needs my money to use as a down payment on the house she is buying. Good news is, the market is so bad that this is a really good time for me to buy her out. I will end up saving a lot of money as opposed to buying her out when the housing market is better. Bad news is, holy shit, I have to come up many many thousands of dollars. But I suppose if all goes well, then I will be the sole owner of my current house (which is worth A LOT more money than the house she is buying). But man, that is a really final thing. And did I mention how much money I am going to have to come up with?
• So I called the damned doctors office this morning. And after the line was busy for over a half an hour (seriously, that is not an exaggeration), I got through. And shock of all shocks, someone will have to call me back with my results. I meekly asked, "Can I expect a call back sometime today?" And she said, "Ummm, you should, yes." I guess I will call them back tomorrow after I don't hear anything today. :)

Back from the mountains

My family has a cabin up in the mountains where we have gone since I was 2 years old.  I headed up there this weekend with The Boy, The gay boyfriends and The Ex.  It was amazing, as usual.  This place is truly my "happy place."  I feel so rejuvinated when I am up there.  The air, the smells, the river that runs outside my cabin door, and the beauty all come together and really make me feel whole again.  It is a long drive to get there, but once arrived it worth every single minute.  I learned some things this weekend.

I am very thankful that my relationship with The Ex allows us to continue to take family vacations together.  Our boy was SO excited to have "two Moms!  Two Moms!" with him the whole weekend.  He went back and forth between us sharing all of the amazing things he was doing.  And honestly?  I really needed the help.  It can be an exhausting adventure to do by yourself.  The gay boyfriends are lovely, but really don't understand the concept of being early on in a pregnancy and therefore needing some extra time to sit and relax, and also the need to not have to schlep heavy suitcases and coolers up and down the stairs.  She was helpful both with physical things, as well as with entertainment of our son.  It made the weekend MUCH more relaxing for me.

Being the only sober person kinda sucks.  Yes, I understand that I am growing a life and that is a MUCH more important job than having a couple of glasses of wine.  But I am not sure if I have ever been up to my cabin as an adult and done it totally sober all night long.  Like I said, it wasn't so much that I was missing getting shit faced, but I kind of realized that the "fun" evening times aren't quite as fun when you are stone cold sober.  The things that usually seem hysterical weren't quite as funny.  So I spent most of my evenings relaxing on the couch reading a book.

Pregnancy hormones are a bitch.  Man, was I hormonal.  I probably cried like 3 times while we were there.  And not over anything.  Just being overwhelmed with emotion.  As I said, I have been going up there since I was 2 years old and there have been a ton of good times, but also some not so good times (like during my parent's divorce).  It was interesting to me that on this particular trip, I was in touch with some of the not-so-pleasant moments that occurred there.  I guess because I now have my own family, I am adamant about making sure that my boy does not endure some of the things that I did growing up.  And so far he hasn't.  Even though his parents have gone through a divorce and split up, he is still able to go away for a weekend with both of us and know how much we both love him.

But the biggest thing that I learned was about my little boy.  What an amazing child he is.  As I have mentioned here, this is not a daring child.  In fact, he could possibly be titled the most tentative child in history.  But up at my cabin?  TOTALLY my boy.  He had absolutely no fear whatsoever about all things nature.  He walked right into the rushing river.  He stood up to his ankles in the freezing cold water and threw rocks with a joy on his face like I have never seen before.  He hiked up and down the large hills and traversed the terrain like a champ.  He hiked around the lakes, and up and down the hills like he had been doing it his whole life.  He is truly a nature boy.  I really cannot explain the emotion that I felt when I watched my little boy do the exact same things that I had done as a kid.  And he did them in the exact same places that I had done that.  The sense of family and generations was overwhelming.  I am so thankful for my grandparents to build a cabin for us to grow up in.  But now, to have my son experiencing the same things that I did as a little girl, well it is almost too much for me to handle.  I don't feel like I am able to express the feelings properly, but just understand that this was one of the most amazing things I have ever experienced in my entire life.

Pictured above, The Boy enjoying mountain-y goodness...

Weekend Wrap Up

So as the weekend comes to a close and it is time to get back into the evil work-world, I thought I would share some of the cute things from this weekend. The Boy had a very fun-filled weekend and got to see LOTS of his favorite people. We had dinner on Friday night with an old friend of mine who has the CUTEST little daughter. She was so cute and outgoing and came into the house talking about playing with The Boy. He proceeded to ignore her and to basically guard every single one of his toys that she showed any interest in. But she didn't care. She played happily until after 9:00 at night. A great night to catch up with an old friend and get to experience the cuteness that is her daughter.



Saturday The Boy spent time with almost ALL of his favorite people. He and I spent the morning together, then he went over to his Mom's house (The Ex) for a couple of hours in the afternoon. After that he hung out with his Gigi for a while before she left and his other grandparents came over for a few minutes. Then when they left, my gay boyfriends (and Uncle's extraordinaire) came over for dinner. This was all charming until one of the GB (gay boyfriends) thought it would be cute to teach him to say "pie hole" for his mouth. They thought it was hysterical when they would point to their mouth and ask him what it was and he would yell "PIEHOLE!!" Of course they laughed hysterically every time he did this. I just can't wait for him to tell his teacher at school today all about his "pie hole." Good lord.



The yesterday The Ex and I took the boy to a really nice local park and had a picnic. Then we even rode the train, which he loved. It was a really nice day, just the three of us. I am so happy that The Ex and I handled our breakup the way we did (with lots of counseling involved) and we are still able to have days like that. I will always love her as a great friend and as the other mother to our child, and it is nice to have days where we can just be good friends and co-parents and enjoy our son together. Plus he loves it when he has "TWO Moms, TWO Moms" to play with (for some reason he always says it twice). And after all of that I just hung out at home with The Boy and had a nice quiet evening together.



Oh and one thing I HAVE to share. I think we might have hit an all time cuteness experience. I cannot remember another thing The Boy has done in his entire little life that is cuter than this. On Saturday night when we were hanging with The GB, I was laying on the hammock and The Boy was playing on it (read: jumping on me and rolling all over me). He then decided he wanted to play the go to sleep game. We play this a lot where we lay down and pretend to snore and then he "wakes you up" and you pretend to be SO SURPRISED to see him and well...he loves it. So we were playing this game. "Yay down Mommy" he tells me, so I proceeded to lay down and to put my head down and commence fake snoring. Then he crawls over me so he is sitting behind me and he starts to rub my back. Then as he's rubbing, he starts to sing "You Are My Sunshine" (I sing this song to him every night when I tuck him in and say goodnight to him). He sang two full verses of it (of course with words missing) while he quietly rubbed my back. OhMyFuckingGod could he be any cuter? I almost died.



And on the baby makin' front...I have felt little random cramps toward the end of this weekend and today (possible implantation?). And also starting Saturday night, but definitely yesterday, my boobs feel funny. They don't hurt per se, but they feel...fuller. Or I guess I am just noticing them, which I usually don't do. Now normally I wouldn't post anything about this because we ALL know about the psycho-somatic pregnancy "symptoms" that we, as infertiles, like to imagine are there. I am only stating this for two reasons. One, because I really don't feel like I will be crushed if I am not pregnant this month and therefore I am not really afraid of putting things out there and therefore "jinxing" myself. And two, because if I am NOT pregnant then it shows that there is definitely a lot of truth to feeling things when we want to feel them as opposed to when they are actually there. I would be due for my period on Tuesday the 26th, so I will probably test starting on like Friday the 22nd or something.



Hope everyone had a fabulous weekend!

Different Parenting Styles

The Situation

My mom is staying for dinner because her hubby is going out with his daughter.  The Ex told me yesterday she would be by tonight.  The Ex calls at about 6:20 and says she is on her way over.  I tell her we are getting ready to sit down for dinner but come on over.  She does, and plays with The Boy (fixes the tracks on his trains for him, something Mommy cannot do), and then the four of us sit down to dinner.  The Boy has food issues.  We have established this.  By food issues I mean that he does not eat.  And we need him to.  So he has string cheese, some chicken and some pork (my mom's), some green beans and a piece of sourdough bread with butter.  He screws around with the bread and sorta licks off the butter.  Then he starts breaking it up and sticking his fingers through it.  I inform him that we do not play with our food...take it from him when he continues...give it back when he says he will just eat it...take it when that doesn't happen.  You get the idea.  Lately with his green beans he has been pulling them apart and only eating the "babies" out of the middle.  I think he gets this from his recently enjoying edamame.  But still.  Not with green beans.  And he lays the remnants all over his place mat.  Again I explain that we don't play with our food and that food stays on our plate.  Meanwhile Ex starts putting the remnants on certain parts of his place mat (he has  Thomas place mat) on the faces and making jokes about eating Percy's smile.  Or eating Percy's eyes.  He laughs at her and then promptly chomps down on some of the remnants.  The Ex looks at me and says, "See?" with a smug look on her face.  They continue to play the game of putting the food on the place mat and eating it off of the "eyes" of a train.  And I will admit that he did eat some cheese and some green beans.  A few.  But then when he tried to go back to his plate and started smearing his hands all in the BBQ sauce he had requested and then "washing his hands" with it, it became apparent that we were just playing with our food.  He was looking at Mom and playing and sometimes licking some BBQ sauce off his hands.  He never ate any chicken or pork, and had probably 5 pieces of string cheese, opened about 15 green beans and maybe consumed 7 of them, and had about 2 bites of bread and butter.  That's it.  Then he got his vitamins and his 10 M&M's for taking them (he hates them with a passion).

Pro Argument

He ate.  While playing with his food on his place mat, we lightened the mood and he was able to eat some of what was on there.  One could argue that if they mood hadn't been lightened and playful that there would have been no food consumed at all.  I tend to be very regimented and follow a somewhat strict routine.  When The Ex and I were together, I welcomed the fact that she was much more "fun" than I was.  I thought The Boy would get a good balance because she could bring some chaos and fun into the routines and structure that I know a young child needs.  It isn't a bad thing to sometimes mix it up and let dinnertime be playful and fun.  And if we happen to, god forbid, break from the routine and eat our green beans off a place mat rather than a plate, then life will move on.  And we will have consumed some food in the mean time.

Con Argument

I eat with this child every single night.  And I struggle with the balance of getting him to ACTUALLY EAT SOMETHING with teaching him to have decent table manners.  We don't abandon all rules in the name of 7 green beans.  And I can almost guarantee that if the games had been stopped by taking the plate and giving back after understanding that we don't play, that just as much food (if not more) would have been consumed after said understanding.  I go through this with him every night.  He tests, I set the limits, he gets the limits and works within it and we move on.  But he tests every night.  That is his job right now.  He is 2.  And it is my job--no wait, sorry--it is our job as parents to set those limits for him.  To make sure that he learns that it isn't funny to "wash" your hand with BBQ sauce during a meal.  And that if we were to take him out in public with some of our friends, we would be mortified if he did that.  So why is it cute at home?  At home is where the limits are set.  And it is something I have to do every night.  But I guess when you're not there every night, you want to have fun.  Setting limits can kinda suck sometimes.  I guess I just want her to know that that is part of parenting.  And when you CONSISTENTLY don't set limits, and just have fun with your child, then you really aren't parenting.  You are a fun babysitter, or Aunt or something.  But it isn't parenting.  It seems I am all alone on that one.