Postpartum Crap

Just a couple of things that I want to throw out there. I am a little over 4 months out from having my baby and having surgery. There are some good things about where I am and some not so good things.

The Good:

• I lost all my baby weight (and then gained some back, but that can't be blamed on anyone but myself; see previous post).
• Since I am breast feeding my boobs haven't fallen down to my waist yet.
• The baby is sleeping through the night so I am finally getting some decent sleep.
• I am back at work and getting back into a routine.
• Daycare is working out well and I am (so far) able to pump enough milk that she is staying exclusively breast fed.
• Still no sign of the dreaded monthly visitor, although I am cranky as all hell so I keep thinking that it MUST be PMS. So far it isn't. I am just a bitch.

The Bad:

• This happened with my son as well, but I am TOTALLY losing my hair. Like handfuls of it every single time I shower. And I have two bald(ing) spots on each side of my head near my temples. It isn't my greatest look. AND because of that I can't wear it up in a pony tail since it shows off the bald spots. Boo.
• No matter how many sit ups I do, there is still that little ridge of pudge that sits right over my c-section scar. I don't think it will ever go away.
• Even though my baby sleeps through the night, no one sent the memo to my boobs. So I either get up and pump, or wake up engorged and beg the baby to eat enough to bring me relief.
• She never eats enough to bring me relief so I end up letting her eat on one side and then pumping the other.
• Even though we have been successfully breast feeding thus far, I am petrified that my supply is going to go to crap at any moment and it will all go away.
• My step sister is a lactation consultant and she swears that if I just let my boobs adjust to what the baby is doing (eating during the day like crazy and then sleeping for 9 hours at night) then they will be perfect and give her exactly what she needs. No more, no less.
• I can't seem to believe her and therefore freakishly pump to make sure that it all doesn't go away.
• Even though daycare is fabulous I am not sure they understand the whole "liquid gold" thing and I think they make her 4 ounce bottles throughout the day when she doesn't drink that much. I am pretty sure they are throwing away at least 3 ounces a day.

I think that is pretty much it. I am so thankful to be 4 months past having this baby as opposed to wear I was 4 months before having her. If you happen to be a new reader, don't think that I don't appreciate my child or being able to conceive her and give birth to a healthy baby. It's just that I really don't do pregnancy well. My body rebels against me. And while there are some yucky parts about postpartum things, it is WAY better than being pregnant.

If anyone out there has any info on the breast feeding thing and whether or not my sister is correct that I need to chill the F out, please let me know. I would love to chill out. But with the baby being in daycare 3 days a week I just want to make sure that my body continues to give her all that she needs. If that means I have to pump even during the times that she is home with me, so be it. But if my body really WILL adjust to a point where I only need to pump when she is physically at daycare that would be awesome. Any advice, or ass-vice, would be appreciated.

One Year Ago Today...

On August 23rd 2008 my life changed forever...

And on August 23rd 2009 my life could not be better...

What a Difference a Year Makes

One year ago today was the cycle day 1 of the cycle that became my daughter.

Read about it here.

When I go back and read that post it is amazing to me to be where I am today. I really stuck with the attitude that if it was meant to be, it would be. And I guess it was meant to be. My little precious is having a little cat nap in her crib right now and is getting ready to go down for the night. And I am getting ready to go back to work. So much can happen in a year.

You couldn't pay me a million dollars to go back and re-live the past year, but I can honestly say that I am happier right now than I have been in a very long time. Sometimes the journey is trying, but the outcome is so worth it.

PS--Doesn't she look like she's thinking about kicking some ass in the photo above? Don't mess with her, or she'll smother you with her rolls!

It's Officially Over

I just got back from my 6 week follow up appointment.  There's something about that appointment that is just so...FINAL.  I mean, that's it.  I no longer see those people.  These women that I saw every three days for so many months and who helped me through one of the toughest times of my life, I no longer go and see them.  That's it.  You're good.  See you in a year.  I'm a little bit sad.  I feel used and left behind...  :)

But seriously, even if I didn't have a little mini-crush on nurse fabulous, it is kinda weird to just be done.  I know, I know...I had the damn baby.  That was their entire point in my life, but still.  Okay, I will get over it.  But I would like to go on record as saying that I will miss my OB's office and all the fabulous people there who took such good care of me and had a HUGE part in getting my daughter here healthy.  So thanks.

In terms of my body and such, things are back to normal.  Uterus was where it was supposed to be (which I had to find out through a very unfortunate pelvic exam...).  And fortunately the ONE thing I am apparently good at with pregnancy is getting back to "normal" afterwards.  I hesitated to post about this because there are lots of women who will probably hate me, but I was back at my pre-pregnancy weight when The Girl was about 3 weeks old (but in my defense I only gained about 20 pounds total).  I have been back in all of my old clothes for about 2 weeks probably.  In fact last weekend I completely went through my wardrobe and purged all things maternity.  And man, did that feel good.  As history shows, I am not good at pregnancy and I am thrilled to be done with it.  And take those damn clothes with you!  Bring back my jeans.  Bring back my regular clothes.  Thank the lord that is over.

The one lovely thing that stayed with me after having this baby was the high blood pressure.  It went back down after The Boy was born, but not so much this time.  It isn't horrifically high, but it is high enough that they want me to stay on medication.  Which does NOT thrill me.  I was so happy to be off of all medications (I was on anti depressants prior to getting pregnant with The Girl) and I really wanted to rock that feeling for a while.  But it was not in the cards.  Apparently being medication free isn't better when there is a possibility of having a stroke and dying with young children.  So I am on the damn blood pressure medication.  I have only been taking it once a day instead of twice a day like when I was pregnant and I was told today that I need to up it back up to twice a day.  I batted my eyelashes and tried to look cute and begged and pleaded, but they didn't so much care.  Take the damn pills.  Twice a day. 

Fine.  You win.  I will take the damn pills.

My friend sent me pictures today from my shower/brunch with good friends.  It was bizarre to see myself so huge and pregnant.  It took me back to see those pics.  Those pictures were taken during the roughest weekend of that entire end-of-pregnancy drama.  And it sure made me happy to be sitting where I am sitting now.  I have a healthy daughter who is 6 weeks old.  And even though she has been a crying fool lately, it is still one thousand times better than where I was back then.

So thank you 6 week follow up for the finality.  Thank you for reminding me that I don't ever want to go through that again.  And thank you for letting me say goodbye to the women who took such great care of me, and who I genuinely like.  And thank you for allowing the best possible outcome of a healthy little girl.  The last 10 months were quite a journey.  And I am glad to be done with it and moving on to the next journey of raising two young kids by myself.

Here's a flashback photo of me right before I gave birth:

And here's a photo of the lovely outcome.  My mother told me that the last pictures I posted of her (you know the one in the "cutielicious" onesie with the white skirt?) made her look HUGE and ROUND and very unattractive.  She said I should screen the photos before I put them out there for the world to see.  So I tried to scroll through all of my pics of her to find one that was flattering to her.  It's hard to take a flattering picture of a newborn baby.  But I decided that given the nature of this post and that I am comparing this picture to the picture of her still inside my belly, I would go au natural and give you a bath shot.  I think it's only appropriate...

The Girl has arrived!!!

Hello. This is cousin MO (aka Aunt Fancy) with a baby update. She arrived at 12:07pm this afternoon, weighing in at a healthy 7 lbs 12 oz and 18". Mommy and Baby are currently in recovery together and will be moved to a room later this afternoon. According to Gigi, she is just as cute as can be. I'm very much looking forward to meeting her later! 

Houston, We Are Cleared for Launch...

Okay I am off to the hospital...  I have taken The Boy to school and dropped him off.  I managed to hold it together until I got into the car where I cried a little bit, but other than that I am feeling pretty good.  Ready to meet my little daughter.  

This whole no eating and drinking thing before surgery SUCKS!!  I am so thirsty I might die and making a 9 month pregnant person go without food until almost noon is just cruel.  Just sayin'...

The surgery is scheduled for 11:30am so hopefully we will be close to on time.  I will be offline for a few days obviously, but my cousin is going to try and put a post up here to let you all know that the "deed is done" and give you some of the minor details.  If she can, she will post a picture.  I am not sure if I have internet service at the hospital, but if I do, I am going to try and get my step dad to bring me my laptop so that I can get some pictures onto it and give you all a proper post.

In the meantime, THANK YOU all for your kind emails and comments.  I can't tell you how much it meant to me going through this to read the little bits of encouragement and love.  I am a very lucky woman.  I will chat with you all after I am a mother of TWO!  Holy crap!

The End of the World As We Know It...

Ladies and Gentlemen...your final belly shot.  Taken Sunday April 19th at around 5:30pm...

This has been a surreal weekend.  It has been filled with special times with my boy, a lot of little odds and ends, and most of all a lot of emotion.  On Saturday night I spent the evening alone with my boy.  That hasn't happened in quite a while.  We had dinner together just the two of us, and then we played with our cars and read some books and just had an amazing evening.  I am so in love with that little boy.  When I put him to bed last night, all of a sudden I was just overcome with emotion.  I was singing him Sunshine and I completely lost it.  Barely made it through the song when the tears arrived.  I pulled it together long enough to get out of his room and then seriously lost it.  I cried for almost an hour.  Why was I crying?  I guess I am not quite sure.  I keep reminding myself that just because I am bringing another child into the house, no one is taking my current child.  It feels like these are the last times I will spend with just him and somehow they will be all lost.  I am trying to remember that I am adding to my family and not taking away from it, but for some reason it feels like my baby is leaving.

Pregnancy hormones are special, let me tell you.  I think this situation also feels more desperate because it has just been The Boy and me for so long.  He is three and a half years old and for all of that time, it has mostly been just the two of us.  The Ex moved out initially when he was 6 months old, and even though she moved back in for almost a year before the final move out, she has really never "engaged" as a parent.  It has been just the two of us for so long.  Mommy and Boy against the world...and tomorrow we add one more.  

My little boy is truly the most special little boy on the planet.  He is sweet and caring and SUCH a good boy who has been SO easy to raise.  I have been so lucky with him.  We have had our challenges, but they have never been behavioral, they have all been health related.  I honestly enjoy every single moment that I spend with this precious little soul.  And I know that I am due.  I am due for the devil child.  The Boy slept through the night at 8 weeks old, The Boy never got into anything so I never even had to "child proof;" I just told him no.  The Boy has had ONE actual tantrum in his entire three years and a total of 4 time outs.  He is a breeze.  And there is simply NO WAY that history is going to repeat itself.  I will love this little girl fiercely but I am pretty sure she is going to challenge me in ways that The Boy never has.  But I am ready to meet her.  I am ready to look into her little eyes and welcome her to our family.  Even if she is a royal pain in the ass, she will be OUR royal pain in the ass and I cannot wait to welcome her to our little family.

Friday Check In Post

I had my doctors appointment yesterday, but since I usually update on Fridays I figured I would do it today.  Amazingly there is nothing to report.  My blood pressure was high and took them 3 times of taking it before it was low enough that they would let me go, but other than that, nothing to report.  My appointment was at 1:30pm, which is apparently when Miss Thang is quite active because she passed her NST in about 9 minutes.  Of course they left me hooked up for almost an hour.  I swear they forget about you in there.

It was my LAST appointment.  So strange.  I have been going twice a week for the past 8 weeks plus all the "normal" appointments before that.  And now it just stops.  Done.  Don't need to see you anymore.  Peace Out.  So weird.  My favorite nurse hasn't been there since the day I had my breakdown, so I didn't get to say goodbye to her, and they had a couple of new people working so I didn't really even see anyone that I usually see except my doctor.  She was very sweet and congratulated me on getting as far as I have and told me she would see me Monday.  Did I mention this seems weird?

I honestly NEVER in a million years thought I would make it this far.  Really I didn't.  My BP was sky high at 29 weeks and they put me on bed rest at that visit.  I will be one day shy of 38 weeks when I go on for my c-section on Monday.  That is like full, full term.  Like almost normal.  I am not going to lie and say that they last 2 months have "flown by" or that they were wonderful or anything.  If I'm being honest, the last 2 months of my life have been two of the hardest months of my life.  Not only physically, but emotionally as well.  This has been TOUGH.  Some of the stuff I have blogged about, but there was also the big "unbloggable event" that shook me to the core.  I have tried my best to get through it with the most amount of dignity that I could, but there have been times where it almost took me.  I am not going to look back at those times right now, but instead look forward to Monday.  And in the meantime give myself a little pat on the back for making it this far.  I earned this little girl, damnit.  From the moment that I put it out there that I was looking for a new known donor to have a second child, through doing the inseminations at home BY MYSELF, to the morning sickness and the second guessing and the final months of bed rest hell...I worked hard to bring her here.  And when the little tramp looks at me with her 13-year-old smart mouth and says, "I don't know why you even had me!  I hate my life!" I will smile softly...and then kill her.

Today I spent the day in the sunshine with my boy (screw bed rest!  3 days people...).  We ate lunch with my mom and my grandmother and he played in the fountain and layed on the grass and rolled around and life felt almost normal.  And then we left and I went to rent my breast pump and get some final items and now we are home.  And he is peacefully sleeping and there is a little foot in my rib cage that is wiggling its toes.  And a little hand that seems to feel the need to punch me in the bladder every 4 minutes.  And in three short days she will be here.  I will get to look into the eyes of the little girl who has gone on this journey with me.  And we will begin all of the journeys to come.  Together...the three of us.  My little family.

Onward We Go...

Just a quick post to update from today's doctor appointment.  I was fine.  I am the picture of health.  :)  My blood pressure was actually down and the nurse said, "You must have had a good weekend..."  Well if ignoring doctors orders and bed rest equals a good weekend in your book, then yes, I did...  

We got hooked up to the NST machine and waited.  And waited.  And waited some more.  I swear they forgot about me beating away in that room.  When someone did finally come in to check on me she said, "So the word on the street is that you're done with this pregnancy."  Great.  I am so glad that my cheery disposition has leaked its way into the entire staff.  Mental note: Must stop being such a bitch.  But I digress...  Then she followed that up with, "Well your baby isn't doing much of anything..."  Aka, she appears to be failing the test at this time.  So here, drink some water and we'll just leave you hooked up to these machines where you can't move for ANOTHER HOUR.

I swear my hips and right leg were completely asleep, as were my arms.  Everything hurt.  And what happens when a 9 month pregnant person drinks water?  Right.  Pee.  So I am half asleep, needing to pee, and laying there mentally wondering how long I would have to lay there before they realized that I had perished in their exam room.  Finally they came back, declared that the baby had passed, and I was free to go.  It was also noted that "I appear to be having rather consistent, somewhat severe contractions."  Really?!?!?  I hadn't noticed...  They also said that her heart rate was going down a little during contractions so that was something to watch, but the moral of the story is that I was set free.

I have one more appointment on Thursday and that is it.  It seems so weird to be this near the end.  I mean, after Thursday I am not going to go back to their office until 6 weeks after the baby is born.  Seems so odd.  I will miss my favorite nurse.  I see her twice a week now.  We have a standing date.  Who is going to be my new date?  Apparently my newborn child?  Huh.  But I can see the finish line.  Five more days until her birthday.  Can't really wrap my head around it.

Random fact:  The Boy was due on the 20th and I had him on the 5th.  The girl is due on the 5th and I am having her on the 20th.  Just thought about that in the shower this morning.

37 weeks today, people.  I can't believe I have made it this far.

Probably The Final Shot...

I wanted to title this post "What Miserable Looks Like," but I am trying to be more positive so I opted for the other title.  This is me today.  36 weeks, 3 days pregnant.  If I make it to my scheduled c-section (which it looks like I will), I will be 37 weeks 6 days when I deliver my little girl.  To sum up the belly shots, I had my mom measure my waist today to see how I compared to when I had The Boy.  The night we left for the hospital with The Boy my waist measured in at 44 inches.  Tonight my waist measured 45 inches.  So pretty close.  But considering we are a little over a week ahead of last time, it has the potential to get bigger.  I haven't talked much about weight gain during pregnancy on here because fortunately it isn't a big issue for me.  I am not someone who subscribes to the "eating for two" analogy.  I am lucky enough to not get horrific cravings and therefore during my previous pregnancy and this one, I actually eat a lot healthier during pregnancy than I do when I am not knocked up.  Not to mention that under normal circumstances I get a lot of my calories from wine (boy do I miss my wine...sigh...), and obviously that isn't happening during my pregnancies.  So with The Boy I actually ended up weighing about 15 pounds LESS after I had the baby than I did before I got pregnant.  I was quite a bit chunkier going into the pregnancy with The Boy so I had more to lose, but it wouldn't surprise me if after having The Girl, I end up a little less than I started.  To date I have gained 21 pounds with The Girl.  Not too shabby.  So 21 pounds and a 45" waist.  People who know me well point out that I am all belly.  That is how I feel.  Like a big, fat, baby holder.  Only 10 more days to go...only 10 more days to go...

In other news, my boy is still growing up.  No, I didn't expect this to stop, but it seems like since he turned three things have just been changing so much, so fast.  He is such a little person all of a sudden.  His speech is insane (although we are still having major issues with pronunciation, the maturity of the phrases he is attempting are hysterical) and he cracks me up on a daily basis.  

Today when we were in speech therapy I got totally NAILED by his speech therapist.  The Boy has a bit of a lisp so one of the things we work on every week is saying our "S" sounds while making sure that his teeth are closed shut so that his tongue can't come out to form the lisp.  Today his therapist casually mentions to me, "He doesn't use a pacifier, does he?"  She says this like, I am SURE he doesn't because you are usually such the model parent and there is no way you could be making the STUPID decision to allow that to still be going on...  Or at least that is what I felt like.  Because, yes, I haven't made him give up the Binky yet.  I wanted to let him keep it up until the transition into the Big Boy bed so that he would still have his comfort item to help him go to sleep.  Well, he has officially transitioned into the Big Boy bed and I haven't made him give it up.  How come?  I don't know really.  Hadn't really thought about it.  Perhaps my brain is elsewhere...  But she called me out on it.  Now I told her, and I feel I should defend myself here as well with the fact that he ONLY has his Binky in his bed when he falls asleep.  He isn't one of those kids that walks around with it.  It stays in his bed.  Period.  And when he goes down to bed he puts it on his pillow while he farts around in bed and only sticks it in his mouth when he is about to fall asleep.  Then once he is asleep, when I go in to check on him before I go to bed, I take it.  So he literally uses it maybe 20 minutes a day.

Time to put an end to it.  I talked to my mom about it tonight and wondered if RIGHT before a new baby comes home is really the best time to take it away...  But really it is all just excuses.  I can always come up with a reason as to why I can put things off.  I thought that maybe next week before the baby comes would be good.  And then, when I was brushing his teeth I wondered why I am setting some random date in the future to make it happen.  I looked at him and I said, "[Boy], when we went to see S (speech therapist) today, she told me that it is time for you to stop using your Binky to go to sleep."

"Why Mommy?"

"Because it is bad for your teeth and it is making it harder for you to talk.  It isn't good for the sounds we work on with her.  You know how we have to practice with putting your teeth together and making our sounds without our tongue coming out?"

Boy nods head in understanding...

"Well part of the reason that is hard for you is because of using your Binky.  So we aren't going to use it anymore, okay?  Plus, you are a BIG boy now and really, Binky's are just for babies."

"Binky's for baby [Girl]?  Not for me?"

"No.  You don't need it.  You're a big boy.  But tonight, since it is the first night, you can take one of your cars to bed with you along with your Lambie.  But no Binky tonight."

"You not gonna take da Lambie Mommy, right?"

"Right.  I will never take your Lambie from you.  Ever.  And tonight, since it is the first night without your Binky you can take one of your special cars to bed with you."

"Hooray!"

And I put him to bed for the first time without his Binky.  He seems to understand.  He is in there right now laying down quietly but he hasn't actually fallen asleep yet.  He might start to get upset right as he is about to fall asleep, but then again he might not.  He is a big boy and he understands things.  I think he might actually get it.  And he might actually go to sleep for the very first time in his whole little life tonight without his Binky.  He is SUCH an amazing kid my Boy.  I love that little dude more than I could ever express.  And all of this growing up stuff is just too much for my pregnancy hormones...

Sometimes You Just Have To Let It Out

So I feel badly about my previous post and considered removing it but...it captures some very real emotions and when I look back on this time I want to remember the tough times as well as the good times.  So it will stay.  BUT I will clarify that I feel better now.

I came home from my appointment and I cried.  I felt sorry for myself and allowed myself the disbelief of "Oh my god, I simply can't do this anymore..." and I sat around and let it all come flooding out.  And I needed to do that.  I was by myself in my house and I was allowed to not put on a brave face for all of those around me and I was able to just be by myself and let it all fly.  Since there are people around me pretty much 24/7 right now I don't have a lot of time to do that.  Intellectually I understand that obviously the longer this baby cooks, the better.  So I don't really feel like I am allowed to admit that I am totally and completely DONE with this pregnancy.  It isn't politically correct to say that out loud.  Because it isn't what's best for the baby.  And really, since this whole bed rest thing hit me at 29 weeks, it has become as if I don't matter in the slightest anymore, it is all about what's best for the baby.  And of course it is.  I am a mother.  That is my job.  And right now my job is to do whatever it takes to get this baby here as healthy as possible.  And that means completely ignoring how very hard this has been, both physically and emotionally, on ME and just focusing on what's best for the baby.

But when I am in my bed at night, and when I manage to steal a few moments alone in my own world, I sometimes allow myself the briefest of moments where I think about myself and how hard this has been.  I had to quit my job and stop my income.  I had to basically give over all aspects of my life (running my household, taking care of my son, running my business, being a functioning member of society) to other people.  I basically had to revert to being a 14 year old kid who lives off of their Mommy and who needs permission to do anything besides turning on the television.  Add in some of the emotional stresses that have happened in the last month and it is not surprising that I have moments of meltdown.  Today was one of those days.

But once I give myself permission to give into it and just feel the crappiness, it somehow gets better.  Once I have cried all the tears that are left in my eyes and lamented over how hard this is until I can't say or feel the words anymore, it gives way.  It lessens its hold over me.  And once that happens I am able to see through the clouds again.  And the good points of what is going on begins to show itself again.  And I somehow feel like I can breath again.

Of course it goes without saying that a healthy verdict from my doctor for both myself and my child is good news.  So that is part of the silver lining.  And really...it is just about 2 weeks from now that NO MATTER WHAT, this pregnancy will be over and I will be stepping into the next phase of motherhood to a newborn.  That really isn't that far away.  Three hours ago that felt like an eternity, but now, it is simply two weeks.  I can do two weeks.

And the best thing that I realized?  I get two more weeks with my boy.  Two more weeks (one of which he is off of school for spring break) to enjoy just being me and him.  Two more weeks before someone else comes in and he forever has to share his Mommy with his sister.  Two more weeks of him being the most special and important person in my life.  I get to dote on him.  I get to soak him in.  I am home and not working and able to spend every single moment with that precious little boy and let him know and feel how very special and amazing he is.  Back when we were in Hawaii in January I blogged often about how that time was probably going to be the last time that I got to spend just with him, with no distractions of work and baby prep and issues, and now I have been given that time again.  He is home all next week on Spring Break.  And it really is a blessing to not be in the hospital having a baby, or just home from the hospital with a newborn during that time.  I am damned lucky for that and instead of crying about how hard this is for me to swallow, I will look into that face.  That perfect face that is at the top of this post and I will be thankful.  Not only for being given the chance to bring a healthy baby girl into the world, but for the chance to enjoy the amazing boy that I already have. 

Quick Update

This will be quick.  My appointment today was very boring.  Nothing to report.  No changes.  Blood pressure was the same and the baby passed her non stress test.  I am still contracting like crazy, but they aren't concerned about it right now.  Rinse and repeat.  I go back on Friday to see if anything has changed.

It's so ironic that I fought so hard to get to this point (I am 36 weeks today) and now all I want is for this to be over.  I completely understand that having a healthy baby is the priority and therefore it is best to keep her "cooking" as long as possible.  But I am miserable.  Seriously miserable.  I have a cold, I am having totally uncomfortable (but apparently unproductive) contractions like every 5 minutes that make me feel like I am having the worst period of my life, the baby is sitting so low that I can't even pee without feeling like I am bending her head in half and that happens every 45 minutes when I have to pee.  I can't take a deep breath.  Every single bone in my body aches and I feel like I am going to pass out if I stand up for more than 5 minutes, but sitting down is horribly uncomfortable as well.  Completely and totally miserable.  And so unbelievably DONE with being pregnant.  But I get it.  If there isn't a medical reason to deliver this baby then she shouldn't be delivered.  And I understand that.  And I will suffer through this as long as I have to because I want a healthy baby.  But I am cranky and tired and haven't slept and just want to not feel this way anymore.  And I have almost a full two weeks left.  Because OF COURSE I am going to make it to my scheduled c-section.  Because frankly the thought of two more weeks of this makes me cry.  Seriously.  So now I am off to cry.

Will muster up some cheerfulness soon...I swear...  Sorry to you all for being such a downer.

Because...Of Course!!

As if there weren't enough things going on in this household, everyone now has "The Bad Germs" as my son refers to them.  My mom started it with a sore throat and feeling yucky and as of this morning she is fully sick.  Just down right can't breathe, coughing constantly and feeling horrific.  Then this entire weekend The Boy has felt a little warm, hasn't had much of an appetite (which for him basically means he stops eating all together) and has been a little clingy.  When I heard the sneezes starting last night (he sneezed about 10 times in an hour), I knew what was coming.  All night long I heard the little sneezes and coughs from his bed, but God bless him, he didn't wake up or call out to me.  The first thing I heard from him this morning was at 5:45am when the bastard cat was howling to be let out.  I hear over the monitor in a small voice, "Regis, dop it!"  And then about 5 minutes later he called out to me to go and get him (he still doesn't climb out of his big boy bed by himself; he calls me when he's ready to get out) and proceeded to confirm to me that he does, in fact, have "The Bad Germs."

So all morning long we have been dealing with the green snotty sneezes from hell and the coughing and the general lamenting about how utterly sick he is.  In fact, while typing this he just came out and turned his face up at me so I could see inside his nose and proceeded to inform me that he had "boogies" and needed me to deal with them.  I got the old diaper rag out and made him blow and off he went back into his little cave of a room to finish watching Bolt (which for some reason is his newest obsession).

And me?  The person who is due to give birth by surgery of course?  I have the sore throat and my nose is starting to snot up.  Which means that this cold should probably be hitting me full force right around the time that my doctors say that it is time to head to hospital to try and birth this baby.  Because, OF COURSE!!  

On a happier note (since I seem to be incapable of posting pleasant things these days, and I sincerely apologize for that...) my contractions seem to be responding well to the medication so while they are still here and are adding to the uncomfortable-ness that is my pregnancy overall, it doesn't seem that they are going to send me to the hospital for it anytime soon.  I think I might just very well be pregnant forever.  And on that note, I wish you all a wonderful Sunday!

Still Cooking...

I am here with my normal Friday update.  My doctors appointment had mixed news again today.  Most of it is good as you can tell by the fact that I am not writing this update from the hospital.  My blood pressure was the same as it was on Tuesday (right around the 140/90 area), which isn't good, but since it is the same as it was on Tuesday it is considered stable.  So we "passed" in that area for today.

The baby passed her NST pretty easily today.  I think this is the first time I haven't heard the words "pass" along with "by the skin of her teeth" together in all of her tests.  So that is another good thing. 

The only not-so-good thing is my contractions.  Both my nurse and my doctor made a joke about how the baby probably passed her test so easily because my damn contractions aren't letting her get her beauty sleep (as she usually does during the NST's).  Obviously I am aware of them.  They have gotten considerably worse since Saturday of last weekend and last night they woke me out of a sound sleep at least 5 times.  They have only gotten to the point where I would characterize them as "hurting" within the last 24 hours or so.  But when I was hooked up to the NST machine it was very apparent that I was having pretty strong contractions about every 4 minutes or so.  They asked me if I could feel them (yes, I could) but I wasn't having to "breathe through them" yet so I guess that is a good thing.  My doctor prescribed a medicine (I haven't picked it up yet from the pharmacy so I don't know the name off the top of my head) to make them stop.  I am to take it every 6 hours when I am feeling contractions but don't have to take it if I am not feeling anything.  Hopefully that will keep my body from going into labor on its own, although neither my nurse nor my doctor looked overly convinced of that.  I am also basically supposed to be flat on my back doing nothing but drinking fluids.

Have I mentioned lately how much fun this entire process has been?  Good lord...

I have to say that the one scenario that I simply did not even assume was a possibility was the concept that my body would actually go into labor on its own.  What the hell?  I am going to be SO pissed if I end up in labor.  I know I am getting the c-section and obviously if I end up in the hospital they won't make me suffer through labor, but man.  If I am having contractions that hurt enough to make me take my ass to the hospital I am going to be so pissed.  Or if my water breaks on its own?  Gross!  These are things that I had not even planned for considering that even if by some fluke of imagination I made it to my 38 week scheduled c-section, my body should most certainly NOT go into labor on its own before that.  How very rude.

For some reason, even though today's appointment went relatively well, I have lost my cherub-like demeanor.  I am cranky and tired and nervous and just on edge.  Everything and everyone is irritating me and I am so beyond done with physically feeling like shit.  You add these lovely contractions to my extreme exhaustion, my "laser light shows" that I see every 15 minutes, my lack of sleep, my nausea, my heart burn, my head aches and basically overall feeling like I have a horrible case of the flu and, well...I guess you get a very cranky person.  I want everyone to go away and leave me the hell alone and I want to crawl up in a little ball and just cry for a while.  But I can't.  Right now I am going to put my precious little boy down for his nap and I am going to lay my own ass down and hope that when I get up again I will have a better view/attitude with this entire thing.  Cause right now?  I am just plain done with this shit.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming

It seems like an entire year has passed since I last updated this blog.  SO much has happened and unfortunately the main part of it has to be filed in the "unbloggable" category.  I used to HATE it when people did that shit when I read blogs so I sincerely apologize for that, but I will tell you as much as I can and if you want more details, feel free to email me and I will give you all the info.  But since most of the people who read my blog know me in real life, they probably already know what I am referring to.  For those who don't, someone close to me and my life made the ultimate in bad decisions and did something life altering and earth shattering that could have very easily resulted in death.  That is all the information I am going to give on this very public forum, but needless to say it shook me to the core.  And for someone who is supposed to be avoiding stress at all costs, this put more stress on me than I have lived through in a very long time.

So here I am failing at the whole avoiding stress thing.

Since I can't publicly bitch about the unbloggable I will publicly bitch about finances.  I have mentioned on here before about how I was counting on a pretty significant bonus from one of my clients to get me through my maternity leave.  After over a month from working from home to make sure I lived up to my end of the arrangement I was given the go ahead to cut the check today.  Sounds great, right?  Well the shitty part is that they told me to cut the check for HALF the amount the I was expecting.  Half.  Holy shit.  Unbe-freaking-lievable.  So let me recap.  I was expecting to get a $10,000 bonus check and also expecting approximately a $5,000 tax refund.  That would give me enough money to live for about 3 months (yes, I know...I live in the Bay Area of California which is arguably one of the most expensive places to live in the entire US).  Even getting all of that money I would have been pretty screwed considering I have already been off work for a month and a half and the baby isn't even here yet.  My plan originally was to use that money for the three months I was going to take off after the baby arrived.  So you can see how my plan has already been thwarted...

And now...my bonus that was supposed to be for $10,000 only came in at $5,000.  And I am indeed getting back approximately $5,000 as a tax refund, BUT it turns out I made too much money last year and therefore between what I owe at the end of the year combined with my estimates that are also due on the 15th, I owe the tax man $2,500.  (How can I get money back and also owe money you ask?  The Ex and I do our taxes together and make it so that she gets a fat refund that we then split.  Being self employed I pay estimates and usually end up breaking even or even getting some money back which usually goes toward the estimate that is due on April 15th so I usually don't owe anything out of pocket on the 15th and just get to pocket half of The Ex's refund).  Oh, and on top of that it apparently cost us $1,250 to get our taxes done this year, so that has to be paid as well.

So final tally:  Amount expected to receive:  $15,000.  Amount actually received?  $6,800.

The hits, they just keep on coming...

A final note for today...my update on my doctors appointment.  The Girl was all over the place during her NST so I was totally convinced that she had passed with flying colors.  She did indeed pass, but apparently it was still just "by the skin of her teeth."  Or maybe they just like to fuck with me and tell me that every time.  I don't know.  I told my favorite nurse about the stress that had come down over the weekend and she was absolutely floored at what I had been through and ran out the door to look at what my blood pressure had been.  I know this is going to be shocking but guess what?  It was up.  I know, I know, total shock.  So they took it again after I had been laying down for the NST and the top number was still crap, but the bottom number went back down to 78 so that was good.  (I think "normal" is 120 over 80 and mine was 145 over 78 at the end).  My doctor heard this and made mention of "squeaking out just a little more time" and thankfully they sent me home.  They took pity on my sad, tired, pitiful little ass and blissfully sent me home.

I am 35 weeks today and my next appointment is this Friday.  My best guess is that if my blood pressure either goes down (by some miracle) or stays the same I will be good to go through the weekend.  But if it is at all elevated I think I am being checked in and my guess is that this baby will make her arrival sometime over the weekend.  So all of you internets out there...please think low blood pressure thoughts for me on Friday.  I need it.  Oh, and send some cash.  :)

Second Verse Same As the First

So I am home from my morning doctors appointment...BUT.  You knew there had to be a but, right?  Right.  The little shit (sorry, I'm tired...) failed her test...AGAIN.  Although my poor nurse feels sorry for me so isn't sending me straight over to the hospital.  I am to come home and eat lunch and then go back to the doctors office to get hooked up again and try to get her to pass.  If she doesn't?  Hospital.  Again.

Now although I am very happy that this child is still residing inside my belly and that according to my nurse she doesn't seem at all discontented...I am getting extremely tired of being hooked up to machines for all hours without being able to move or read (have to lay on my side and can't comfortably hold ANYTHING) or really do anything but sit and listen to a heart beat is not my idea of a good time.  Obviously the most important thing in my world right now is getting this baby here as healthy as possible, but really, I would SO MUCH rather be enjoying this 75 degree day with my son outside having lunch together.  And instead I am shoving food into my mouth and heading back to the doctors office to try this whole thing again.  And if she doesn't pass then we go to the hospital for another fun-filled afternoon of MORE monitoring...  In case you're keeping track, I am 34 weeks and 3 days today...

I will update this post WHEN (not if, damnit) I get home later this evening to let you all know we are home and good to go for the weekend...

Edited to add:  Okay we got sprung.  And we didn't even have to go to the hospital.  She passed at the doctors office after lunch.  Maybe I need to start making all of my appointments for after lunch.  I am pretty sure my next appointment on Tuesday is at 12:30 so hopefully we can avoid all this early-morning monitoring next time...

My nurse did reiterate that my doctor doesn't think I am going to make it much past the 36 week mark.  She said my doctor is very nervous about me and is probably going to err on the side of caution and get this baby out.  So we talked a little bit about what to expect if that's the case in terms of steroid shots to mature lungs, projected size of the baby, and what will happen after my c-section (they will take the baby away for evaluation and I most likely won't get to see her for a few hours--like what happened with The Boy and like what I didn't want to happen this time).  But the ultimate outcome needs to just be a healthy baby and Mommy so I am trying to focus on that.

As of now I am going to try and salvage a beautiful afternoon with my son and shake away some of this apprehension and nerves that I seem to be carrying around.  Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!

We Like To Keep Things Interesting...

This is just a quick update.  I had my non stress test this morning and remember last time when they said she passed "by the skin of her teeth?"  Well this time she "failed by the skin of her teeth."  I guess during a non stress test they establish a base line heart rate (hers was 150, which I guess is good and strong) and then in a period of 20 minutes she is supposed to have 3 accelerations where her heart rate goes up by at least 15 points.  Well hers would go up to like 162 and then back down.  So she was literally like 3 points away from passing.  But...we didn't pass.  They made me drink some cold water and watched me for over an hour but no luck.  

So I have been sent home to eat lunch (and hope that makes her more active) and then I am supposed to go over to labor and delivery and check in at 1:00pm today.  They will do another non stress test there at the hospital and hopefully with their more sensitive machines she will pass like the good girl she is (cough).  Once I pass I get to go home.  I asked the doctor if I needed to bring my hospital bag and her answer was that it wouldn't be a bad idea, and that if I brought it, it would ensure that I didn't need it.  But that yeah, I should probably be packing that thing sooner rather than later.  Great.  So comforting.  But they all said her heart rate was strong and good and that she wasn't in fetal distress.  So those are all good signs.  Now I am off to eat some lunch and then head over to the hospital with the positive thinking that I will be back home in time to have dinner with my little boy.  Here's hoping!  :)

(Edited to add:  I am home from the hospital, thank God.  I was hooked up and monitored for about an hour when the nurse came in and told me to drink some cold water and flip to my other side because the baby wasn't doing her thing.  Then she looked at my print out and realized that she had "passed" right when we had arrived.  She was just looking at the last half an hour or so of the print out and when she looked at the whole printout she realized we were free.  So I was only there a little over an hour and now I am home again and able to enjoy dinner with The Boy.  Phew!  I am free until Friday when we start the whole process over again...)

The Friday Baby Update

As usual I had my Friday doctors appointment today.  Overall the news was pretty good.  It wasn't fabulous, but it wasn't horrendous either.  When I got there they took my blood pressure and it was good.  I believe it was 129 over 80.  So the medication continues to keep that in check.  Good news.

Then I went into the exam room and was hooked up to the monitors for an NST (non stress test).  For those who don't know, what that means is they monitor the baby's heart beat and I believe they are looking for 3 accelerations in a 20 minute period of time.  I am not positive, but I believe that is what is needed for a "pass."  I am apparently visibly exhausted right now because after the nurse hooked me up to the monitors she asked if I would like the lights turned down so I could rest during the test.  Fabulous idea!  I am literally not sleeping more than 1 hour at a time right now at night and just the physicality of living is making me feel more tired than I have ever felt in my life.  I know that is just normal end of pregnancy stuff, but man, I am pooped.  So I was thrilled to have the lights turned down and be able to just lay down with the rhythmic sound of my little girl's heart beat in the back ground.  It sounds exactly like horses galloping to me.  So I relaxed and listened to the "horses" and waited.

My favorite nurse came in to chat with me a couple of times (I was seeing the doctor today) and the doctor stopped by a couple of times to see if we had "passed" yet, which we hadn't.  After almost 40 minutes she found enough stuff on the little sheet of paper to pass us, but she declared that she had barely passed, "by the skin of her teeth."  If the baby doesn't pass, by the way, they send me off to the hospital to be monitored there.  I guess the machines are much better at the hospital and they are able to pick up the accelerations better than the ones at my OB's office.  So then we chatted about the physical stuff (head aches, visual changes, extreme exhaustion, little swelling etc...) and she measured me.  I am still measuring a little bit big, which is good.  I think I measured at almost 35 weeks and I will be 34 weeks on Tuesday.  She told me that going forward she wanted to see me on both Tuesdays and Fridays for NST's from now on.  

She thought I was joking when I told her that Tuesdays weren't really a good day because I was busy...I guess since I am supposed to be on bed rest and completely off of work means that I shouldn't be working on Tuesdays.  Whoops.  I only have two days a week where my cousin is here to train and learn how to take over for me when I am out.  Those days are Mondays and Tuesdays.  So I usually do MUCH more than I am supposed to on those days but then take it easy on Wednesdays and Thursdays to try and make up for it.  So having to go to the doctors on Tuesdays puts a damper on that.  I will try and be better...I swear...

The not-so-great news came as I was getting ready to leave.  I told my doctor that I had scheduled my c-section for the 20th of April and she said, "Yes, I saw that.  I'm glad you did that."

I then said with a smile, "I'm going to make it to 38 weeks, right?"

And as she was walking out the door she answered, "Nope.  Not even close.  But we'll give you a couple more weeks..." and then she shut the door.

Now I have to admit that I have wondered how in the hell I am going to make it another 5 weeks to get to 38 weeks.  Not because I want this baby to come early.  Quite the contrary actually.  But within the last week or so I can physically feel myself slowing down and getting more and more tired and in more and more pain, and the "side effects" getting worse and worse.  I have expected to be put on full, strict bed rest within the next couple of weeks prior to delivery.  That's why I have been going probably more than I should be to try and get everything caught up before that happens.  But I don't think that "step" is going to happen.  I think my doctor is under the impression that I am pretty much on full bed rest (as in there is NO work going on at all, which really isn't the case) and the only next step would be to check me into the hospital.  She knows I am a single mom at home with a 3 year old son and knows that it is unrealistic to tell me I can't take care of my son at all.  And I really think that's all she thinks I am doing right now.  And it is my bad for "breaking" those rules.

So this is what I think is going to happen.  I think my doctor wants me to get to 36 weeks.  I think I will be monitored twice a week between now and then and if the baby "fails" any stress test, it is off to the hospital for me.  Once I get to the hospital, if the baby can "pass," then they will send me home.  If the baby doesn't "pass" in the hospital, I think I am staying there.  If it is between now and 36 weeks I think she will keep me in the hospital with 24 hour monitoring on the baby and obviously if something bad happens to the baby, she comes out.  But if not, I will stay until I hit at least 36 weeks.  And if she "fails" a stress test anytime after 36 weeks I think she is just going to want to deliver the baby.  Her comment today of "No, but we'll give you another couple of weeks" gives me the impression that she doesn't think my body is going to support taking care of this baby much past 36 weeks.

I have so many emotions about what is going on, but I will have to save that for another post.  I am too tired to think right now and all I know is that this baby wants me to go lie down and get off the computer.  It goes without saying that I am worried and scared and frustrated at my body and all of those wonderful emotions.  I think any mom would be.  You obviously want to provide the vessel for your child to get here, full term and completely healthy.  It makes me SO angry that my body doesn't seem to be able to do that.  And I am scared about what an early baby means and if we are going to be dealing with the NICU and how that will all affect her health and the ability to breast feed and...so...many...other...things...

But for tonight, she is in there, she is healthy and doing well, and I am off to bed.  Good night!

I Believe They Call This "Nesting"

Even though I am supposed to be resting, I believe what I am actually doing could be considered "nesting."  Close enough?  But really, when one actually books their c-section for 5 short weeks away...it becomes apparent that a baby will be arriving soon whether one is ready or not.  And prior to this last week I would have definitely been in the "not ready" category.  I believe I am better now.  After my doctors appointment last Friday I headed over to BRU.  I bought some much needed essentials: a couple of packages of diapers, a few binky's, some changing mats (those things that go on top of the changing table cover to keep nasty poo away from pink cuteness...), a package of starter bottles (plan is to breast feed but who knows what will happen), a nice clean bulb syringe (because re-using those = gross!), that kind of stuff.  Nothing overly fun or exciting, but just stuff you need to have on hand when the baby comes.

I should note that thanks to the excellent physical condition I am in (insert sarcasm here) I made it through approximately 3/4 of the store before I started getting light headed and started seeing spots and basically felt like I might pass out in the bedding isle.  Fortunately they have those lovely rockers there where I just took a little break.  The Boy very helpfully pointed out to every single customer that walked by, "My mommy hava a baby in der.  She hava rest now.  We go on in da minute..."  I'm sure they all cared SO much...  :)

A couple of weeks ago my mother helped me to completely get all The Boy's stuff out of the closet in the nursery and move it to his big boy room.  So now at least the closet in the nursery belongs to The Girl exclusively.  I decided that it was high time to wash some of the clothes that I have for her and get them ready as well.  So everything that was newborn sized got washed.  So did some blankets and some wash clothes and some burp rags.  Here is a shot of her closet as it stands right now...  

All the clothes on the bottom rung have been washed and all the stuff on the top has not.  But all the stuff in the little hanger-thingie (yes, that's a technical term) on the side is ready to go as well.  It seems like I don't have nearly enough things for her, but we SO overbought when The Boy was little that I am trying to not repeat my mistakes.  I have a friend who is having twin boys (Hi C!) and she is the lucky recipient of ALL of The Boy's old clothes.  And seriously, even though she is having twins, she might not have to buy anything.  Ever.  Again.  The Boy has more clothes than any one little boy should.  It is almost embarrassing.  So I am trying not to do that this time with The Girl.  But still it feels a little sparse...although we still have 5 weeks.

The other thing that is needed pretty much as soon as you get home from the hospital is a bouncy seat.  The one we used for The Boy is quite sad and the metal framing doesn't even allow it to sit up straight anymore.  So it needed to be replaced.  There are very few things that I am buying for this second child.  The only stuff she is getting is stuff that I either A) didn't have the first time around, or B) is in such a sad state that I wouldn't allow my cats to sit in it.  The bouncy seat fit category B.  So here is the newly purchased seat:
Notice how I couldn't bring myself to get the pink one.  I just couldn't do it.  It was just SO pink...it sorta made me nauseous.  You can't really tell in this picture, but some of the little circles on the pattern part of this are feminine looking.  Good enough!  My little girl can be butch if she wants to!  :)

When we brought The Boy home from the hospital The Ex was adamant that he was NOT going to sleep in our bed, or in our room for that matter.  Our room was supposed to be reserved for our "romantic life" and wasn't to be tarnished by a baby being allowed in there.  (You can see how well THAT worked out given that she left me and moved out when The Boy was 6 months old...but I won't go into that here...)  But because of that we didn't buy any sort of co-sleeper or bassinet.  We used our pack n play and set it up out in the living room for when he was out there and other than that he was in his crib.  This time around, given that it is just me (blissfully), I have every intention of having this little girl in my room, or in my living room, or wherever the hell I want her to be.  The pack n play is lovely, but it is far too large to be moving around all over the place.  So basically the only other "thing" I bought for the new baby was a bassinet.  My super star step dad put it together last weekend and I think it is too cute.  I love it.  I can't wait to see her sleeping away in it...
So as you can see, this last weekend was definitely one of "nesting."  I think I am pretty much ready for her.  Of course there are lots of little things that still need to be done.  Her bedding has been ordered but has not arrived yet, and there are still little touches that need to be done to the nursery to de-boy it and make it ready for his sister.  But overall I am feeling much more calm about the arrival of this baby.  One of the things that was still hanging out in the nursery was The Boy's name in letters on the wall.  This weekend I took them down and told him that it was time to put them into his big boy room.  They were painted a light green color in the nursery, but that won't work in his new room.  So I took him to the craft store and told him he could pick out any color he wanted to paint his letters for his new room.  He chose red.  And when we got home we both (lord help me) painted his letters from baby green color to big boy red color.  Here is a shot of him in action:
He was so proud of himself for doing it.  And his room is really taking shape.  We also bought The Girl's letters and a lovely lavender paint for those (The Boy picked that color as well).  They were out of one of the main letters we need for her name so it isn't quite ready yet, but we are getting close.  

And if you made it all the way through this ridiculously long post I will reward you with my monthly belly shot.  It is a week late as I have been doing the other ones at 12, 16, 20, 24...weeks.  So this one should have been my 32 week shot but it was taken today, St. Patrick's Day (hence the color), the day that I hit 33 weeks.  Less than 5 more weeks to go...

Nothing To See Here...

I just got done with my Friday doctor appointment and I am happy to report that there is absolutely nothing to report.  Woo Hoo!!  In and out in 30 minutes, just like I wanted.  For the record that makes 2 whole weeks in a row that I haven't gotten any bad news.  My blood pressure was nice and low (thanks to the medication), the baby was measuring 33 weeks (a little ahead since I am only 32 weeks) and her heart beat was great.  Next week we will have an NST and some blood work but for today, I was free to go.  I asked if I could go back to work since my blood pressure seems to be under control and my favorite nurse said, "Do you want me to lose my job?"  Well, I guess not, but it can't hurt to ask.

The only other thing to report is that I scheduled my c-section today.  I guess the hospital where I am going to deliver is pretty busy so they wanted to get it on the books.  Plus I had asked about dates because I would ideally like to deliver while The Boy is in school.  That helps for two reasons.  One, he will be at school all day long (his normal routine) while I am in the hospital and two, my mother will be able to drop him off at school and come to the hospital to be with me during the day.  Of course his spring break for school is the week of April 13th, and that is the week I am 37 weeks along (The Boy was born at 37 weeks).  So I did NOT want The Girl coming that week.  So I need to push her through to 38 weeks.  They also wanted to schedule it on a Thursday, but that doesn't so much work for me either because The Boy is only in school Monday through Thursdays.  So that defeats the purpose of having him in school.  So the official day is Monday April 20th.  At 11:30am.  If I can get her to that point, that is when she will make her big debut into the world.

And for those of you who have known me a long time (re: college days) I find it QUITE humorous that this baby is going to be born on 4/20.  And if you don't know what that means or why that is funny, then you are a better person than I.  Hee hee...