Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Sometimes You Just Have To Let It Out


So I feel badly about my previous post and considered removing it but...it captures some very real emotions and when I look back on this time I want to remember the tough times as well as the good times.  So it will stay.  BUT I will clarify that I feel better now.

I came home from my appointment and I cried.  I felt sorry for myself and allowed myself the disbelief of "Oh my god, I simply can't do this anymore..." and I sat around and let it all come flooding out.  And I needed to do that.  I was by myself in my house and I was allowed to not put on a brave face for all of those around me and I was able to just be by myself and let it all fly.  Since there are people around me pretty much 24/7 right now I don't have a lot of time to do that.  Intellectually I understand that obviously the longer this baby cooks, the better.  So I don't really feel like I am allowed to admit that I am totally and completely DONE with this pregnancy.  It isn't politically correct to say that out loud.  Because it isn't what's best for the baby.  And really, since this whole bed rest thing hit me at 29 weeks, it has become as if I don't matter in the slightest anymore, it is all about what's best for the baby.  And of course it is.  I am a mother.  That is my job.  And right now my job is to do whatever it takes to get this baby here as healthy as possible.  And that means completely ignoring how very hard this has been, both physically and emotionally, on ME and just focusing on what's best for the baby.

But when I am in my bed at night, and when I manage to steal a few moments alone in my own world, I sometimes allow myself the briefest of moments where I think about myself and how hard this has been.  I had to quit my job and stop my income.  I had to basically give over all aspects of my life (running my household, taking care of my son, running my business, being a functioning member of society) to other people.  I basically had to revert to being a 14 year old kid who lives off of their Mommy and who needs permission to do anything besides turning on the television.  Add in some of the emotional stresses that have happened in the last month and it is not surprising that I have moments of meltdown.  Today was one of those days.

But once I give myself permission to give into it and just feel the crappiness, it somehow gets better.  Once I have cried all the tears that are left in my eyes and lamented over how hard this is until I can't say or feel the words anymore, it gives way.  It lessens its hold over me.  And once that happens I am able to see through the clouds again.  And the good points of what is going on begins to show itself again.  And I somehow feel like I can breath again.

Of course it goes without saying that a healthy verdict from my doctor for both myself and my child is good news.  So that is part of the silver lining.  And really...it is just about 2 weeks from now that NO MATTER WHAT, this pregnancy will be over and I will be stepping into the next phase of motherhood to a newborn.  That really isn't that far away.  Three hours ago that felt like an eternity, but now, it is simply two weeks.  I can do two weeks.

And the best thing that I realized?  I get two more weeks with my boy.  Two more weeks (one of which he is off of school for spring break) to enjoy just being me and him.  Two more weeks before someone else comes in and he forever has to share his Mommy with his sister.  Two more weeks of him being the most special and important person in my life.  I get to dote on him.  I get to soak him in.  I am home and not working and able to spend every single moment with that precious little boy and let him know and feel how very special and amazing he is.  Back when we were in Hawaii in January I blogged often about how that time was probably going to be the last time that I got to spend just with him, with no distractions of work and baby prep and issues, and now I have been given that time again.  He is home all next week on Spring Break.  And it really is a blessing to not be in the hospital having a baby, or just home from the hospital with a newborn during that time.  I am damned lucky for that and instead of crying about how hard this is for me to swallow, I will look into that face.  That perfect face that is at the top of this post and I will be thankful.  Not only for being given the chance to bring a healthy baby girl into the world, but for the chance to enjoy the amazing boy that I already have. 

1 comment:

thesockdrawer said...

I totally appriciate your honesty. Being a mom, being pregnant is just plain hard ( I hope to find that our personally soon :) Soon you will have your beautiful boy with you. But you are still an individual, even when it doesn't feel like it! My thoughts are with you!!