I Need Your Help

It's very rare that I put out a plea on the Internet for help with an issue with my kids, but I am at a loss. If any of you out there have any advice for me, I'd love to hear it. Here's the situation:

My daughter has decided that going to bed at night is for the weak. She's just not into it. At all. She's not in her crib anymore (since she was crawling out of it and hurting herself) and she goes to bed fine and lovely. We do our normal night time routine: we read a couple of books, brush our teeth, and head to bed. She gets some time to be in her room with a flashlight to play with toys or read in her bed, and then after I get The Boy in bed, I go back in, take the flashlight, sing her a song and say goodnight. And then she goes to sleep.

Or at least that is how it used to go. Now, we do all of the above steps, but once I leave her room she gets back up. She will mess around in her room for a few minutes, but then I hear her door open, and she "sneaks" down the hall, goes into her brother's room and tries to talk to him. This is somewhat tolerable when we are talking 8:30 and 9:00 at night. But when this is occurring at 11:45 and midnight...it is NOT okay. Her brother goes to sleep like he always has and then he gets woken up. If for some reason I am in the living room and don't hear her "escaping" then he has to come and tell me she woke him up and we start the process all over again. But of course then the poor boy has been woken up. Fortunately he can go pretty much right back to sleep, but with her...it never ends.

So here is what I have tried. I went out and bought those "baby-proof" door handles so that she can't open her door. That worked for about a week. I would not start the night with it on her door (because I want to give her the option of making good choices), but after the third time she got up, I would put the handle on her door. Each time I take her back to her room I tell her that it is time for bed and when she screams at me that she isn't tired, I explain she doesn't have to sleep, but she does have to stay in her room because the rest of the house wants to sleep. She would usually respond to that by kicking her door as hard as she could to get out because she couldn't open it. Until last night. Last night she figured out if she puts her little fingers into the holes of the door handle in a certain way she can pop it off. So that no longer works. Unfortunately that means I can no longer put one of those handles on the outside of her brother's door so that she doesn't wake him.

I have also tried to let her take her "game" (iPod Touch) to bed with her. I am not proud of this parenting decision because I don't want her to get into that habit. But if the issue is that she is honestly not tired, and she will stay in her bed watching a PBS show until she falls asleep I was willing to let it happen. Even that doesn't help. I tried that last night and her iPod lost the battery at around 11:30 (and she had already gotten up about 5 times prior to that) and she went postal and tried to terrorize the entire house. I then put her back in her bed with a flashlight and tell her that she can read a book. I let her pick out a few books but then she screams, "I don't WANT to read a book!!" and then proceeded to take each and every book out of her bookshelf and throw it at her door. That was fun.

The only thing that seems to "work" (and I put that in quotes because I don't think this is the long term solution), is to make sure she does NOT take a nap during the day. If that is the case, by bed time she is physically so tired that after about three or four of these fights she usually is so tired she falls asleep (of course it is usually in the middle of her floor or right behind her door; not in her bed). But then she makes my life a living hell between the hours of 3:00pm and 8:00pm because she is exhausted. She's two years old. I really don't think she is ready to get rid of her naps yet. Yesterday she actually came to me at about 3:30 and said, "I am going to go lay down in my bed Mommy," and she did. She walked to her bed, layed down and went straight to sleep. I let her sleep until 4:30 and then woke her up (also not fun because she still wants to sleep so she is a bear when I force her to wake her up before she is ready). So she only got one hour of napping yesterday. And I was in tears last night at midnight because I was out of solutions and so tired I wanted to die.

What she would like is to take a 2 hour nap in the middle of the day (like a normal 2 year old), and then be up until midnight. That is just not an option. I get up everyday with my kids no later than 6:30am so on most nights, I am in bed by 9:30 and asleep by 10:00pm. This new schedule is slowly sucking the life out of me. And I don't think I need to spell it out that when I am exhausted I am not the best parent that I could be.

I just don't know how to deal with this. Anyone have any advice? Have you ever had a similar situation with your kid? If so...how did you deal with it? What am I doing wrong? For the love of God...WHY WON'T MY KID SLEEP ANYMORE?!?!?! HELP!!

He's a School Boy Now...

Tomorrow is the official first day of school, but The Boy has gone to his new kindergarten both yesterday and today for half days. He also went on Friday to meet his teachers and check out his classroom. All of this combined with an afternoon at the park yesterday with his classmates has made the transition into kindergarten a great one.

I worried so, so much...remember all the posts? The great kindergarten debate? Well, things fell into place like they usually do. Randomly running into one of his old teachers in the Trader Joe's parking lot (who told me about the school he is in now) changed everything for the better. Yes, this is a private school, which was NOT my first choice. Not only for the money part of it, but because I went to public school...I wanted to support my local public schools. But it just wasn't in the cards. And you know what? It was the best decision I could have made.

I cannot tell you how awesome his classroom is. I walk around that place and think, man I would love to learn here. And apparently, The Boy feels the same. This morning he asked me if he was going back to kindergarten and I told him yes. "Hooray!!" he cheered. When we got ready to leave this morning he grabbed his lunch box, his water bottle and said, "Ready to go to kindergarten!" as he ran out the door. We got there a few minutes early today and his classroom wasn't open yet. He was so excited to get to check out all the books in the library. He looked up at me, sitting there with his little eyes shining..."I am going to learn SO MUCH STUFF in this school Mommy..." And he will.

And I am more proud of him than I ever thought I could be. My biggest goal during all of the choices and stresses about getting him into a good school was wanting him to continue his love of learning. My child (probably all children) LOVES to learn. And I just didn't want that fire to go out. I wanted to keep that fire burning for a really long time. And with his new school? I think that fire will be burning for the next 6 years at least!

Here he is on Monday morning...again, not the official "first day of school photo" (that will come tomorrow morning), but this was the first morning we went to the new school. Note the pose? He did that himself. He was so excited that he was dancing. Can't ask for much more than that.

Now remind me of all of this in future years when I am complaining that I am in the poor house as a result of my child's education...

Perspective

As I walked around the house tonight picking up every single toy that we own, I was frustrated. I looked around and the living room was a mess. Every single item was out of the toy box. Things off the shelves...all her things mind you. Sunglasses and purses and babies...it was all...out. Waiting for me to clean it up. Again. Ugh.

And then as I was cleaning it up, I decided to think about it a different way. I buy those toys so that she can play with them. That is why they are there. That is why they are taking up space in my house. For her to play with them. And that's what she did. All of them. She clearly loves her toys. And then I thought about her behavior. And she was good as gold all night long. She and her brother played happily and quietly, without the TV on from the time dinner was over until bedtime. I got a ton of things done. He did a puzzle and she...well she destroyed all her toys. And that is exactly what they are supposed to be doing. That's why the toys are there.

And then I smiled.

Bullet Points

Because I want to get that anxiety-ridden post off the top of my blog...

• Still utterly freaked out about the school/cost thing but trying not to obsess.
• Speaking of obsessing, my son seriously has OCD. Like I might need to talk to someone about it...
• His Mom bought him some books and made the mistake of telling him a package was coming in the mail yesterday. He spent ALL day asking/obsessing/staring out the window waiting for that package. It was so bad that when his best friend came over for movie night last night he basically ignored him because all he cared about was the damn package.
• The damn package didn't arrive until 6:00pm.
• Once it arrived and was opened he became a human being again.
• I was seriously embarrassed at his actions in front of my friend and her kids.
• Tomorrow is Mother's Day and everyone keeps asking me what I "get" to do.
• Here is what I "get" to do: Starting today, I have to hose down the entire back patio and clean everything from a winter full of dust and filth.
• Go to the grocery store to buy enough food and dessert for almost 15 people.
• Host a backyard BBQ for said 15 people including MY mother and HER mother (who have seniority it has been told to me...)
• Buy a Mother's Day gift for The Ex from our son.
• Buy birthday gifts for The Ex from our son (birthday is on Wednesday).
• Wrap all the gifts that I bought for The Ex.
• Once happy that gifts are all bought and wrapped and therefore don't need to be thought about anymore...come out into my living room this morning to discover that The Girl climbed up on the table, retrieved said gifts and ripped open ALL the wrapping paper and broke the picture frame. *Sigh*

However it should be noted that while typing this (rather cranky-sounding) post, my daughter came up to me, rubbed my back for a minute, went in to give me a squeeze and kissed my cheek and then walked away. So while yes, I am super stressed out at the moment, I have not lost sight of the fact that I *AM* a mother and that I get to be around these amazing kids. I am super grateful for all that I have and for the two children that I am lucky enough to call my own. Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there. And to those still trying...keep the faith. I know this is a tough day for all of you.

Edited to add: While I was typing the "sweet" thing that my daughter did I heard a noise and went back out into the living room to discover she had opened and broken my stapler while trying to staple my mouse from my laptop...

The "Sleep" Post...Seriously? At Age 2?

I have been SUPER fortunate with both my kids that sleeping has very rarely been an issue. Once we passed the newborn phase they both sleep through the night every night. I have never had issues with naps either. I have PLENTY of issues...but luckily sleep hasn't really been one of them. For the record, for my son I used tools from The No Cry Sleep Solution, and for my daughter I did a modified form of CIO. I just did what felt right with each kid, and like I said, after about six months we were good to go. (Knock on wood...throw salt over the shoulder...all those things we say to not jinx something that has worked well up until this point...)

However.

My daughter has not been napping at daycare. She is in a room with other kids (duh. daycare.) and apparently unless she immediately lays right down and goes to sleep, she gets bored and then stands up and starts talking to the other kids. If they don't answer her, she yells to them. After a few minutes that is (obviously) disruptive to the kids that are trying to sleep and she has to be removed from the room. The daycare ladies are FANTASTIC and then take turns rocking her and singing to her and sometimes they even lay down with her in a different room. In those instances she will, of course, fall asleep with them (spoiled much?). But obviously that can't happen every day. Fortunately the no napping thing doesn't happen every single day, but it does happen at least a couple days a week. And when it does happen? Man...my nights are rough. That is the understatement of the year. She is so freaking tired that she just sits (or stands) in one position and screams because she is so tired that she can't even decide what she's upset about. I have felt like that. I know how bad it sucks. Today was one of those days.

And for comparison purposes, I have absolutely NO issues getting her to nap at home. On Friday, Saturday and Sunday, she goes down without any fussing at all, rarely even makes a noise, and sleeps soundly for at least 2 hours sometimes 3 hours (I think she makes up for not sleeping during the week at daycare). On a rare occasion she will chat in her bed and then lay down and go to sleep, but I have NO issues at all at home. Sleeps like a dream.

Does anyone have any suggestions? Obviously I understand that if she is being disruptive to the other kids she has to be removed from the situation. But that's not going to change anytime soon. She is going to be in daycare/preschool until she starts kindergarten. And she JUST turned 2. The girl needs her naps. It isn't her daycare ladies not trying; like I said, they are fabulous and do more to try and get her to sleep than I would probably do. But on the days (like today) when it simply doesn't work, she is an utter terror at night. And yes, it is horrible for me (and her brother) to have to deal with. But mostly I know it is horrible for her. I know that feeling of being so bone tired that you just want to stand there and cry. And it sucks. I feel horrible for her. But unfortunately she doesn't seem to understand the logic when I explain to her, "Peanut...you feel this way because you didn't sleep at school today. You NEED to nap at school when it is nap time...then you won't feel like this..." I don't know why her two-year-old brain can't comprehend that. :)

She has her 2 year appointment with her doctor this Thursday and I am going to mention it to him and see if he has any thoughts. But you guys are just as good as doctors, right? What do YOU think?

The Great School Drama of 2011...

Well I guess it isn't really drama anywhere but inside my own head. But damn, it is quite dramatic inside there!

So I went to tour the private Montessori elementary school today that I talked about in another post. And man...I kinda fell in love. What a fabulous school, and what a fabulous environment for my child to learn. But as much as this seems like it should be a slam dunk, it just...isn't.

The biggest hurdle, by FAR, is the finances. I knew this school was a private school and their tuition rates are listed on their website, so it isn't a shock. But coming home and actually crunching those numbers? Ouch. It boils down to the fact that it will cost a little over twice as much as I am paying right now for my son's school. That hurts. A lot. It hurts so much that it just really might not be possible. And that makes me want to cry right now. I need to have a serious talk with The Ex this weekend and see if we can make this happen. And for the record, she was there for the tour this morning, loves the school as much as I do, and wants to do everything possible to make it happen. But even with all that, it just might not be enough; dollars and sense wise.

The other things that I am thinking about really don't even compare to the price problem. I have some preconceived notions of schooling based on my upbringing, and a family rich in public school teachers. It seems odd for me to not ever get a "report card." It seems strange that my son would never have a real "test." And yet if I step outside my box: how liberating! An education based on actual learning as opposed to where one falls on their "testing" schedules. (I need to talk about this more later...)

The only other small "concern" is the transition from elementary to junior high. Leaving a Montessori elementary and transitioning into a "standard" junior high might be pretty tough. And we all know junior high is a tough time for kids anyway. It would be my hope that there is plenty of preparation for the child prior to that actually happening, and lots of parental interaction to help make the transition as smooth as possible. Not to mention that I think, no matter where you are, no matter what type of schooling you have gone through, the transition from elementary school to junior high is tough either way. So the question becomes, if I am concerned about the "transition," then is the answer to force that transition NOW? At age 5? As opposed to 5 or 6 years from now? I personally don't think so...

There are so many things that I think are great about this philosophy of education and I wish I had an hour to compose a fabulous post on all of them, but alas I have a client to get to. But I wanted to put a quick post up for those following to say that I loved, loved, loved the school. Loved it. But now comes the tough decisions. Can I really make this work? Is this the best decision for my son? That part isn't quite as clear yet.

If anyone has had experience with Montessori elementary schooling and/or the transition to junior high after, please either comment here or send me an email. I would love to get your input. And hopefully I will get more time to put together a more cohesive post on this later...

What an A**hole

My daughter's 2nd birthday is coming up. It's Wednesday of next week. I have very few things to give her. She needs nothing, and really, she's not counting. But either way, I noticed that she really liked these little block-like things at her school. So I went about finding some online for her. I searched, "criss-cross blocks," and finally worked my way to them with "waffle blocks."

Right around the time that I was buying whatever random ones I found (not the ones above, I just used that as a reference), I remembered that for The Boy's birthday someone had given me a $15 gift card to a learning store. So I went to my purse, grabbed the card and looked up their website. It took a bit of searching, but I found the ones I was looking for. They were like $10 more than the previous website I was going to buy them from, but then I had the gift card, and I convinced myself that they came in a nicer storage bin. So I went through the online checkout to buy them and realized that shipping was like $9.95 or something crazy and now the price was $5 MORE to buy from that particular place, even with the gift card. Damnit. But by now I have been working on these ridiculous blocks for over a half an hour and I have better things to do, so I click "buy." And I am over it. They arrived today. They are fabulous and lovely.

So tonight I am heading over to a friends house for dinner (look at me!! Leaving the house!!!), and I am about 5 minutes away from my house sitting at a red light. I glance over to the right, and literally 20 feet away from my car was the store that I just bought her waffle blocks from. Only I bought them ONLINE. And paid $9.95 shipping. When the store itself is literally 5 minutes away from my house. What an asshole.

I thought about the fact that it must be local when she gave me the gift certificate, but I knew I hadn't seen it around my part of town (or at least where I drive), so I figured it was a "local" business but probably at least 20 minutes away from where I live. And I'm lazy.

But not that lazy. I can't believe the freaking store is 5 minutes from my house. I am going to go there tomorrow and see if I can find The Girl another birthday gift. What an asshole.

The Saga Continues

It is not news on my blog that I am struggling with where to send my son to kindergarten in the fall. I briefly posted last week that his lottery number for our "dream school" pretty much guaranteed that he will NOT be going to that school. I also received a letter from the school district (I applied for an inter-district transfer to a different school; one where he had speech therapy ages ago and really enjoyed...) that the school I was hoping to get him into was at capacity and they would be doing a lottery for a remaining spots. So not much hope there either. So it appeared that the only answer was to send him to neighborhood school for kindergarten and hope that, "We LOVE it! We were so WRONG about this school! I love being proved wrong; I am so thrilled he is going here..."

And for my commenters out there, I should mention that I am in no way tainted about this school based solely on test scores and the fact that over half the kids don't speak English. I agree that having a bilingual school is not at all a bad thing, and I also know that when a good portion of the kids don't come from English speaking backgrounds, that test scores are not necessarily indicative of whether the teachers are good or bad, or whether the kids are smart or not. But without getting into the murky waters of "saying too much on the internet when people could potentially figure out who and what you're talking about..." I will say that I have a few people in my life in the education field and some close enough to have some pretty good "insider information" about our neighborhood school and while nothing horrific is going on at all, it has been politely suggested to me that perhaps there might be a more suitable place for my child. Enough said about that, but I wanted it on the record that I am not keeping my son away from his neighborhood school simply based on race and test scores.

Long time readers of my blog know that my son has some unique challenges. He had some health issues long ago and still struggles to keep weight on his tiny frame, and he lost about a year of growing. So you combine that with a Mommy who is 5' 3" on a good day, and a donor Daddy who claims to be 5' 8", but is really lucky if he hits 5' 6"...and well we have quite a little boy on our hands. He is also still in speech therapy, has severe muscle tone issues**, and by personality is a "highly sensitive child." So he is unique and his needs are unique. My biggest fear about him starting school (aside from the normal "he won't fit in..." etc) is that he gets overwhelmed and goes from being a boy who LOVES learning to a kid who hates school. I think all of us parents fear that on some level. If a child really enjoys the learning process and school itself, it makes for a much more successful school career.

On both of my recent parent/teacher conferences his teacher has expressed to me that she thinks he really thrives in the Montessori environment (he has been in a Montessori daycare/preschool since he was 2 at the recommendation of his therapists at the time. And they were right--it's a great fit for him). She has asked me on several occasions if there is any chance to get him into the public Montessori elementary school in town. Even though this school is "in town," it is in an entirely different district than we are, and to get an out-of-district transfer is really difficult. I looked into it, but unless there are extenuating circumstances, it doesn't happen. So I looked online at some of the private Montessori elementary schools and realized pretty quickly that A) they are super expensive, and B) most of them don't go all the way up until middle school. So that means he would have to transfer to a new school in 3rd or 4th grade, and I am not sure that would be a decent transition for him (see above highly sensitive child). So, in all of this school drama, I sort of gave up and moved on. Plus I found "dream school" and secretly tried to convince myself that he would be lottery number 1!! And how lucky we would be!! And also made myself stop thinking about these super difficult decisions until it was apparent that some decisions really DID need to be made (no entry to "dream school," and no inter-district transfer). So now that we appear to be at that crucial MUST MAKE DECISIONS time, I have been a bit panicked and bummed.

This weekend I was doing my weekly grocery shopping at Trad.er Joe.'s and ran into a woman who used to work at his old daycare (the one The Girl is at now). She was so lovely, and we LOVED her when she worked there. The Boy adored her and her son was The Boy's very first BFF. It was wonderful to see her and catch up (although The Boy was with The Ex so she didn't get to see him, which she was bummed about), and at the end of our conversation I asked her where she was working now. She said, "Oh, I'm at this GREAT school...xx elementary school." I said, "Is it Montessori?" (She had left his daycare to go back to school to be certified in Montessori) and she told me yes. It was a private Montessori elementary school, and she couldn't believe I hadn't heard of it. I told her a little bit about my struggles to find the perfect school for The Boy and she told me she thought this would be a great fit. She begged me to at least check it out. She said that admission for kindergarten was probably closed by now, but that I should seriously consider it for 1st grade if I wasn't happy with neighborhood school because this school would be wonderful for him. Plus, even though it was a private school, it was moderately priced and also went up through 6th grade.

So I, of course, ran home and looked up the school online and it looked fabulous. It had "primary care," which is kids ages 3-6 working together, and then "lower elementary" (kids ages 6-9), and then "upper elementary," (kids 9-12). One of the things I love about Montessori is the kids at different age levels working together. This has worked out GREAT for The Boy thus far because, like I said, he tends to be on the smaller side. And working in a classroom with kids of all sizes and ages allows him to not ever have to be the "small one." Plus, for him, he really excels in all things science and nature and really functions at a level much "older" than he is. But in language and math is probably just about at a normal 5 year old level. Being with kids older and younger than you allows you to excel in certain areas while making sure to not fall behind on the areas where a little extra work is needed. Plus, his muscle tone issues make it difficult for him to sit at a desk for long periods of time (not that I think kindergartners are being forced to sit in a desk all day long...), and the Montessori method of going from "job" to "job" really works for him. ***

So while I was excited at my find, I also found the portion of the website that discussed enrollment for the 2011-12 school year, and we had indeed missed all of the cutoffs. Not surprising, but a bummer nonetheless. But I liked what I read enough to decide that I would contact the school directly and see if there was any chance to still apply to get him into kindergarten, and if not, inquire about what the process would be to get him in for 1st grade. So I emailed the school today and explained our situation and someone called me back not 4 hours later saying that there still was room for kindergarten this year. Apparently they have room in their "primary care," but once you get to "lower elementary" there are significant waiting lists. So this was a lucky break. I scheduled a tour of the school for Wednesday the 27th of April. And I am super excited to see it, and hopeful...

But there is a down side (isn't there always?). The reason they have room at this school is because it is a private school. As in...costs a lot of money for the privilege to go to this school. And I am honestly not sure if that is something I can swing. According to the website, the tuition for a year is not much more than what I am paying now in daycare, so it wouldn't be that much different. But I had really been hoping to be able to "exhale" a little in terms of finances come August. It is do-able, just not what I would have liked. But The Ex and I had been talking a lot about this possibility once we learned "dream school" (charter so therefore free...) was off the table. We both agreed that we would give neighborhood school a shot for kindergarten but that we would explore private school possibilities for the upcoming years. So this wasn't completely off the table, we just obviously would have preferred a public (and therefore "free") school career so that we could save more for college.

So just when I thought it was a done deal that he would be attending the neighborhood school this fall, this other option dropped into my lap. I haven't seen this woman that I ran into this weekend in 3 years. What are the chances that we would run into each other in a parking lot, and that she would be working in a school that is a perfect fit for my son...AND that school would still have kindergarten openings in mid-April? When I told my mom about it, she said, "I think that might have been fate. Perhaps this is where he is supposed to be." I think she might be right. But we will have to see. Of course, I'll keep you all posted... :)

**I owe you all an update post on The Boy's OT and how it is going. Short answer: GREAT!!

***Everyone has different beliefs and just because I strongly believe in the Montessori curriculum doesn't mean you have to. And if you think that Montessori is a bunch of crap and you would NEVER send your kid there, more power to you. That is your decision to make. I could write an entire 10 page post on how Montessori works for my son, but that is my story and is not relative to this post. I am not putting down public schools, or any other type of academic learning. As parents, we learn what works best for our kids and this particular process works great for mine. Hopefully if you are a parent, you will find a situation that works equally as well for your child.

Quick Update

Regarding yesterday's post: Thank you all for your kind comments and emails. It means a lot to know I am not the only person who has ever thought or struggled with these issues. That being said. Today was a better day. My mom was right (she usually is...), and I had let the situations of the past few months (work hell, computers crashing, The Boy's OT issues, money and overall everyday life stresses) catch up with me and they were making everything seem overwhelming. Now I am not saying that everything is going to change overnight and I am suddenly going to become Mary Poppins with a life full of rainbows and sunshine. But what I will say is that sometimes it takes someone you trust and care about to point out things we need to work on. And I need to work on this. I am (thankfully) not depressed. I have an amazing life. And yes, there are certainly stressful moments. But I need to be more mindful about being in the moment, rather than feeling like the moments of several months are all bundled together being carried on my back. I had a different mind set tonight. And I enjoyed my kids. I got through the evening and, while there were certainly stressful moments (and I don't expect those will ever go away), overall I stayed in the moment and had a MUCH better night. I am going to continue to work on this and try and get to some sort of a happy medium. Because my mom is right. These ARE the best times of my life. My kids are only going to be young and sweet and cuddly for so long. And while the stresses of being involved in poops and tantrums may fade away, in their place will be homework and school stresses and eventually the evil teenage horrors. I can almost guarantee that in 10 years, when my kids are 15 and 12, I will long for the days when my biggest issue used to be cleaning poop out of a drain and dealing with someone throwing a fit about their crayons being taken away. One day at a time. But today? Today was a good day.

The Grump

My mom said something to me tonight and I can't seem to shake it. She told me I was a grump. "You're always grumpy," she said. "This is the best time of your life; it doesn't get any better than this. Trust me; I've been there," she told me. And I told her that I don't feel grumpy, I just feel tired. Exhausted really. But I am happy. If you asked me if I was happy with my life I would tell you absolutely, and I would really mean it. But if that's how I feel on the inside, then why do I come off as a grump?

I went through a very serious depression right when I got out of college. I have struggled with depression for most of my adult life. I've been on and off anti-depressants for years. I went on them in 1996 when the major depression hit and stayed on them until I wanted to try and get pregnant with my son. I was off of them through the entire pregnancy and after he was born until shortly after his birth (4 months) when my partner came to me and told me she didn't think she wanted to be in our marriage anymore. Between my marriage breaking up and my son's health issues, I went back on the meds and stayed on them until I wanted to get pregnant with The Girl. I have been off them since then, which I guess is almost three years at this point. My therapist and I have randomly talked about whether it is time to go back on them, and I have always said I didn't think I needed them. I was really happy in my life; there were just some issues. But not enough to make me want to medicate again.

See the issue for me with taking anti-depressants is that the ones that work for me (and believe me, back in 1996-1998 I tried pretty much all of them) make me not able to sleep. And that makes me crazy. So then I end up having to take something else to make me sleep. And...well it just becomes a slippery slope. So it isn't as easy as taking one pill and being done with it. One pill causes the need for another pill...and well... I really like NOT being medicated. I like only taking vitamins. I like not having all of that foreign stuff in my body. And again, if you were to ask me, I would tell you that I am happy. And I would mean it. So I haven't felt it necessary.

The hours between 5:00 and 8:00pm are the hardest for me. It has been a really long work day and then I have to get baths done, deal with dinner, cleaning up, bedtime etc... Granted I have my mom here with me to help (Monday through Thursday), but it's still a hard time of day. And I think she's right. During those hours of the day, I tend to be a bit grumpy. Again, I think of it as exhausted, not grumpy, but if I am snapping at the kids and not smiling and not enjoying them for the few hours I get to spend with them each day...what is the difference anyway?

I don't want to be a grump. I don't want to look back on this time and think that I missed out on the amazing little people that are my children. I don't want them to remember their Mommy as cranky. But I have to be realistic as well. Life isn't all smiles and hugs and joy. There are hours of the day when things need to get done and there isn't a ton of time for lounging and playing and fun. But still...I know inside my head that during the week these are the only real hours I get with my kids. I want to enjoy that.

I could end the post right there, but for my own records and for purposes of working things out in my own head, here's what we did tonight. This is pretty typical of an average work day:

Get home with The Girl around 5:00pm. Gigi was already here with The Boy. The Girl throws a fit because she doesn't want to get out of the car. I make a deal with her that she can go outside and play. We go in, say hi and I tell both of them they get to go outside. Much excitement (the weather has been crap and it was almost 80 here today!). While outside I go back and forth from the kitchen trying to prep dinner to the "Mommy!! I need..." "Mommy...come out and sit with me..." I spend some time on the bench swing with both of them, push The Girl in her car, bring The Boy his balance bike, prep fish and green beans and stuffed mushrooms and strawberries (kids) and set the table. We get dinner on the table. My step dad arrives and we all eat together. Dinner is nice and pleasant and we all joke and laugh. But I certainly wouldn't call it "relaxing," as anyone who has eaten dinner with a 5 year old and an almost-two-year-old can attest to.

After dinner my mom cleans up the kitchen while I clear the table and then put The Boy in the shower to wash the grass off of him. It itches his skin so he took a shower. I go to change The Girl's poopy diaper and put her in her jammies. She throws a fit because she wants to do it herself. Fine. I leave her on her changing table to attempt that and go tend to The Boy, who is calling me. While soaping up a washcloth for him to actually clean himself he tells me he thinks he needs to try and go poop. I ask him if he can wait a minute until he's out of the shower and he tells me that, yes, he can. As he is saying that a small plop of poop escapes out his bum and glides along the bottom of the bath tub. While running to get a paper towel to clean it, it proceeds to get all clogged and stuck in the drain. Charming. The entire time The Boy is saying, "Sorry Mommy...sorry Mommy..." I clean it up the best I can, get the wipes and clean HIM up the best I can and give him the wash cloth and tell him to clean his entire body. And focus on the bum while you're at it.

I sigh and walk back down the hall to The Girl who is standing on her changing table taking the pictures off the wall above. I lay her back down, force her legs into her jammies and get her down. She runs down the hall yelling that she wants to color. By this point my mom is done with the kitchen so she gets The Girl some paper and crayons. She lets her sit on the floor (I strap her into her chair at the table when she colors; no running around the house with crayons on my watch!). I go back to the bathroom, get The Boy out of his shower and take his jammies out and give them to him. Brush his hair, clean his ears and then we all go into the living room. The Girl is coloring, and my mom and The Boy sit on the couch to practice his words (speech therapy homework). I sit down and grab a magazine and exhale for a moment. Then The Girl runs down the hall with the crayons and comes back to tell me she colored on the floor. I grab it all from her, she throws a colossal fit. I proceed to clean the hallway crayon mess and my mom takes off.

The kids alternate between making an obscene amount of noise playing "band" and jumping on and off my lap pretending they are cuddling with me, but really just ripping my now defunct magazine and smashing into me. After about 20 minutes of this (all the while my patience is growing thinner and thinner...full disclosure...not my best time of night...) I say it's time for bed. I change The Girl's diaper, we read about 5 books and brush her teeth. She's all wound up from running around with her brother and "saying goodnight" to him about 5 times (hugs and a kiss--it's actually pretty cute), and doesn't even think of laying down in her bed when I put her there. I leave the room and she bursts into tears because she wasn't paying attention when I sang her the night time song (You Are My Sunshine). I put on a TV show for The Boy, and then go back into The Girl's room and sing to her one more time because I am hyper sensitive about "being grumpy" and I don't want her last thought of the evening to be one of abandonment.

And then I come out here to type this for you. In the middle of typing, The Boy's show ends and we brush teeth and he is now in his room with one toy and a flashlight. I feel equal parts thrilled that they are finally in bed, and sad that I wasn't as cheerful and fun as I could have been. I feel like I failed in all aspects.

How do you do it all? How do you take care of kids, run a business, and all the while keep a smiling happy face when you are really so tired you could lock yourself in your room and sleep for a year? I get a decent amount of sleep at night, so that's not it. I don't really know what "it" is. I just sort of thought that this was life. Until my mom said something tonight. And now I am stuck thinking about it. I am quizzing everyone I know about whether or not I am actually grumpy. I even asked The Boy (he said no and gave me a hug. I don't think he knows the definition of grumpy).

What about all of you out there? Did you make it through this long rambling post? Are you cheerful amongst the craziness of life with kids? Do you ever feel grumpy? Do you ever feel like you aren't appreciating life? Do you worry that you will look back and wish you did it differently? No? Huh. I guess it's just me. I must be grumpy. :)

Conversations With My Daughter

In the car driving home from daycare...

Peanut: "Mommy, I want da book!! Gimme the book!!"

Mommy: "Which book? The Curious George book? The bunny book?"

Peanut: "Yes Mommy"

I reach around and grab the book off the floor and hand it to her.

Peanut: "NO WANT DA BOOK!!" Throws book on the floor.

Continue driving for a couple more minutes...

Peanut: "Mommy, I want da monkey...I want da ooh, ooh, aah, aah..."

Reach around, again, and grab the monkey out of the back of my seat and hand it to her while stopped at a red light, "Here you go Peanut."

Peanut: "NO MONKEY! NO WANT IT!" And then she proceeded to throw said monkey onto the floor of the car.

I just sort of shake my head like 'whatever psycho girl...' Continue driving...

Peanut: "Mommy...I WANT the monkey! Gimme the monkey!"

Mommy: "No. I just gave it to you and you threw it on the floor. You shouldn't have thrown it on the floor if you wanted it."

Peanut: "But I WANT it the monkey. Gimme the monkey!!"

Mommy: "No [Girl]. You threw the monkey down after Mommy handed it to you so you are done with the monkey. No more monkey."

Approximately every 10 seconds as we continue to drive home...

Peanut: "I want to have the monkey...give me the monkey...I want the monkey Mommy...Mommy want the monkey..." and so on and so on and so on...until it makes you want to poke your eyes out and I contemplate driving into the upcoming intersection just to make the noise stop.**

Finally, Mommy: "Fine [Girl]. I will give you back the monkey but you have to say please."

Crickets

...and then repeat the above over and over again. However the word "please" is missing from the request every single time.

I repeat again, "I will be happy to give you the monkey but you have to use your manners. Say please give me the monkey and I will give it to you."

Crickets...and then about a minute later...

Peanut: "Mommy I want London Bridges." (The first song on her play list on the iPod; we had the music off up until that point).

Mommy: "No problem. Just use your manners and ask nicely. Say 'please Mommy, London Bridges'."

Silence...and then in the teeniest, tiniest of voices I hear in barely a whisper...(keep in mind she was practically shouting this whole time so she made a very conscious change of the level of her voice)

Peanut: "Peez."

I turned around to look at her because, quite honestly, I could barely hear what she said and we were sitting at a light, "What did you say honey?"

And she gave me a shit-eating grin and turned her head and looked out the window. Refused to make eye contact. Refused to say it again.

So we drove home the rest of the way in silence. No monkey. No London Bridges. And when we pulled up to the house, she refused to get out of the car. So I unpacked my stuff, left her in the car in the garage for about 5 minutes before getting her and dragging her out of the car and into the house where she proceeded to flop herself down on the floor in the entry way and lay there for another 10 minutes throwing a fit.

Did I mention she turns 2 in less than a month? How many of you all want to come visit my house? Come on...you know you want to...it's FUN over here... ...Anyone? Bueller?

**Kidding... ...sort of.

It Takes A Village

The Boy slept with me last night. He wasn't feeling well, and I usually let him sleep in my bed one night a week as a treat so last night he was with me. We had a big storm overnight and it woke me up several times. The Boy slept through it all but because he's a little sick, he snored. So between The Boy and the storm, I didn't sleep great.

You know how sometimes you just wake up in one of those moods? No particular reason, except for some reason the world is particularly annoying...today. Add to that two children who are at PRIME age for irritating the living hell out of each other and calling for me 6,000 times to be a referee to their fights...and you have a very cranky Mommy. It was just a really long morning.

So I called in my mother. Gigi came over around noon and when she showed up my plan was to leave as quickly as possible and go grocery shopping all by my quiet, little, lonesome self. But The Girl was so sweet when she said, "Mommy take me go bye bye? I wanna go bye bye...I wanna gocey shop...I wanna banana..." (she always eats a banana while we shop...it keeps her happy). So then she wanted to go...and of course he wanted to go... So my mother being the rock star she is suggested taking The Boy to her house to nap there so I could put The Girl down and get some much-needed-work done while she slept. So we ate lunch...we shopped...and they left. And The Girl fell asleep in the car on the way home. Amazingly, it all went according to plan.

I transferred her easily to her bed where she proceeded to sleep for almost 3 hours and I came in and knocked out a ton of work. In the meantime I got a call from my mother who reported that The Boy was in a tent that his Poppy built for him, with his "build a bug" toy things in his tent, laying on his pillow pets watching a Wild Kratts. It seriously doesn't get any better than that for my boy. I had to smile. He was SO stoked.

Meanwhile The Ex texted that she had made a bunch of extra chili and wanted to bring it over for dinner so she came and brought dinner, did the dishes and I was able to actually take a shower. The kids had a GREAT time playing with her and all was well. There were several super cute moments throughout the night between the two kids and how they interacted that made me smile.

I realized at some point throughout the night that while I had started the day seriously trying not to kill the two of them and trying to figure out how quickly I could get out of the house, without them, to get some piece and quiet...and ended the day feeling like one of the luckiest moms in the world being able to spend time with these two amazing kids. Parenting is not for the faint of heart; everyone knows that. And sometimes it is a good thing to realize that, even though you may be a single parent, there are days to send out the signal that you need a break. If you are able to do that, and have people respond, then it can turn a really bad day into a fabulous day. I am very lucky to have the group of people around me who allow me to do that.

The Great School Debate

I have been wanting to write about the process to get The Boy into a good kindergarten for a while now. It's a tough subject to tackle. Of course we all think that our children deserve the best education, but actually making that happen is hard. And when I think about it I tend to go into a rant and I really wanted to write a post that was more informational rather than bitchy. But let's face it, I am totally bitchy, so if that comes out a bit in this post? Well...reality people.

I live in the "Bay Area" section of Northern California. Silicon Valley, if you will. And while the charming economic climate of late has really slaughtered things here (like everywhere), those of us that were fortunate enough to keep our houses and stay current with our mortgages are paying an INSANE amount of money for the privilege of living where we do (it was 72 degrees outside yesterday so admittedly we have fantastic weather). But if I told you the amount of money it takes to simply pay my mortgage and my property taxes each month, most of you would lose your shit. I even flirted with the idea of actually putting that amount on my blog just to make my point, but really, even I don't need to get that petty. But what I am trying to say is that those of us that live where I live pay a pretty high amount of money to live here. You would think that would translate into some awesome schools, right? Wrong. So, so wrong.

The schools in California are, for the most part, complete crap. I am not taking the time to look up numbers and be all official, but I know we are amongst the lowest scoring schools in the entire country. And I have heard that on the news for YEARS now, but see things have changed around here. After years of attempting to get pregnant, and then being THRILLED that I was able to have a real, live baby...my child is now of the age where he must enter those schools. And when I bought my house, back in 2004, The Ex and I had been trying to get pregnant for just a year and it would be another two years before The Boy actually arrived. We were feeling pretty smug, back in 2004, after having lived in our first house for two years and then sold it for enough of a profit to "move up" a notch into the current house. And back in 2004, the plan was to do the same with this house. Live here for no more than 5 years and then sell, make a profit, and buy into the REAL house. The one where we planned to stay and raise our kids etc... So all that to say that when we bought this house we weren't overly concerned about what school district it was in. It was, after all, just a temporary house.

Well, fast forward to 2006 when we had The Boy, and then later in 2006 when The Ex left me, and it became a huge challenge for me to simply stay in my house. And like I said above, I feel hugely grateful that I was able to do that. I am proud of myself that I worked hard and was able to buy The Ex out and now "own" my own home (quotes because we all know that the bank technically owns my home). So here I sit. In a house that is great and that works well for my family. But. (And this has turned into a HUGE "but"). The school district sucks. Super, super sucks. As in scores in the 400's when 1000 is a "perfect" score.

Most of the people I know (save one friend who ALWAYS makes good decisions and was able to sell her house and buy into the school district of her dreams thus ensuring her children's fabulous education at little to no cost--I hate her BTW), send their kids to private school. In fact in my son's parent/teacher conference back in October the first thing she said was, "Where are you planning on sending [Boy] to kindergarten?" I told her I would love to send him to Harvard, but that he would most likely end up at the neighborhood school down the street. She then proceeded to tell me all the reasons why this was NOT the best option for him. (She wasn't being snotty at all, btw, just super informative. We all know my kid has some issues and she is probably right that neighborhood school is not a good fit for him). So...what to do.

I have a couple of options. First, I petition to get him switched from his neighborhood school to another school in the same district. Second, I apply (with many, many other people) at an out of district charter school, and cross my fingers and toes and hope.

I have done both of those things. When I turned in his paperwork for his current school district along with the petition to have him moved to another school I...had a really bad experience. The guy accepting my application was answering some questions (when do I find out...how does the lottery work...etc...) when it became clear to me that he viewed me as some pretentious lady who only cared about scores and race. Yes, he played the race card. This is such a touchy subject I'm not sure I should even go there but...I asked him if my son did NOT make it into the school of our choice this year, was I able to petition again next year? He said no. He told me if he doesn't get in this year, he is going to be at his neighborhood school until middle school. I was shocked. I only have one try? That's it? He said to me, "We don't have any interest in moving kids all around the district simply because you don't like the scores of your neighborhood school and want your kid to be around all white kids." Yes, he actually said that. An employee of my son's future school district.

Do I even need to explain? I LOVE the diversity that my son experiences on a daily basis at his current school. I love that they celebrated Chinese New Year and Diwali Festival and Cinco de Mayo at his school. I LOVE that he looks around and sees kids of all shapes and sizes. I do NOT want him surrounded by "all white kids." Quite the contrary actually. But what I do want? I DO want him in a school that will provide him with an excellent education. Plain and simple. And no, I don't think I am a monster for wanting that. So I left the school district feeling like an asshole. And feeling like HE was an asshole. And feeling like the entire situation is just an asshole situation.

Last night I attended an informational meeting for a charter school nearby my house (but in a different school district) that I simply LOVE. This school would be PERFECT for my boy and his unique situations. Absolutely perfect. But will he get in? You be the judge: Last year they had 225 applications for kindergarten. They have 55 spots. 53 of those applications were from people within the same district. So essentially there were 2 spots open for roughly 175 kids applying. They are expecting about the same this year. Fuck.

So that's where we are. I am beyond frustrated. And I am trying not to get ahead of myself (after all, there is a chance that we will either A) be granted our petition to get into another school within the district, or B) be one of those TWO lucky kids that gets into the charter school of my dreams). But the chances are pretty great that both of those options are going to fail and he will be admitted into his neighborhood school. And once he's there, the only way to change anything before middle school is to either move, or else shell out the bucks for private school. Moving isn't a realistic option right this second because, although I am not "underneath" in my house, I would simply break even and not be able to pay Realtors etc... so moving probably isn't going to happen.

I've done all I can for now. I have filled out all the paperwork, I have gone to all the required meetings. I have turned everything in. And now I wait. And hope. And then, come August, perhaps have a REALLY freaking big decision on my hands.

This is what The Boy thinks about all this school nonsense:

I agree with you buddy. This just simply sucks. I SO want the best for him...and to live in one of the most expensive places in the US with one of the worst school systems in the US just seems so wrong...

Holy Crap, the 400th Post!

First of all, this is my 400th post! And don't I wish this was going to be some spectacular post worthy of that great number...alas, it's not. I feel so sad for my poor, neglected blog. Not because I kid myself enough to think that my readers (all 10 of you) are sitting at home staring at your computer screen thinking, "I enjoy her posts SO much...I just wish she would post more..." No, I don't think that at all. But the main reason I do this blog at all is for myself and for my kids. And to keep record of this crazy life that seems to be flying by me at a rate faster than I can possibly absorb. So I write it for me, and for my children when they are old enough to read it. And because of that, I am a little sad that I haven't been more diligent in updating during this holiday season. Because this is one of the special ones. It really is. My children will only be young for so long and this is truly the "magical" time. My son is SO taken by the entire season and my daughter is at the most hysterical and sweet age that I could literally eat her up and not get enough. Alas, I have work and I have to prepare for said holiday so that the children CAN enjoy the hell out of it and, as always, there simply aren't enough hours in the day for me to get it all done. And so my record keeping (aka the blog) suffers.

We are a mere 3 days away from THE BIG DAY, as it is known in my house. And everyone is all a flurry of excitement. Unfortunately my clients don't seem to care about that and still want their damn bookkeeping done. It is quite rude actually. And to further that notion, they don't seem to understand that my daughter is out of daycare for 2 entire weeks, thus leaving me with nary of a moment of time to work on said bookkeeping. So I spend the entire day doing a balancing act. As I type away and try and figure out the numbers my daughter follows me around the house telling me it's time to read a book. Add to that the pressure of having all the gifts and stockings (the damn stockings!! Whose idea WAS that anyway?!?! What a waste of time and money...) and food and everything ready for the big day and you have one tired Mommy.

BUT. There are moments. There are moments during each and every single day that I stop for just a millisecond and I smile in my heart. Because these are THE moments. You know? The ones that make it all worthwhile? There are so many of them lately. From my son singing all the Christmas carols he knows while falling asleep at night to my daughter just recently mastering singing Jingle Bell Rock that make me smile. A moment like the other night when I walked down the hall about an hour before bed time and noticed that my son's door was closed. This usually means he has had quite enough of his sister thankyouverymuch and has taken a break. So I walked the house looking for his sister and when I couldn't find her I knocked on his door and entered. What I found was enough to bring tears to my eyes. They were both sitting on his bed leaning against his pillow and he had turned out all the lights but turned on the lights from his little Christmas tree in his room. It was dark except for the light of the tree and they were laying together singing songs. And not only that, but he had gone into her room and gotten her pillow (if I'm being honest it is one of those damn pillow pets that they advertise for all the time--I can't help it! They love the freaking things!) and her lovey for her and they were laying together actually holding hands. I seriously cried. He told me to please shut the door because this was a brother and sister special moment. Of course I shut it immediately and smiled while doing so. THIS is why I had two of them. THIS RIGHT HERE. This bond that they have. These holidays that they are sharing together. The fact that on Christmas morning they will run down the hall TOGETHER to see what Santa brought for them. My son isn't doing it alone. He has a sibling to share it with. And all the drama of getting pregnant and being the single mom who CHOSE (gasp!!) to have another child on my own is all culminated in that very moment. My heart literally bursts with joy.

Of course then I had to continue down the hall because I was in the middle of 15 things and needed to continue. But the point is, I stopped and I DID notice. And even as I try and type this blog entry my son just came barreling down the hall into my office because my time of typing has come to an end. He wants to tell me a story about a ladybug who has small claws on their legs so they can poke holes in the leaves...

Of course the monotony of life is still here and it also exists in my son's everlasting stories about his bugs and his friends...and I can honestly no longer hear myself think because we have now moved on to listening to how his ants in his ant farms dug tunnels so they too could have holes to live in...and dear god I just can't shoo him away. I will go and listen to the end of his story and then I will brush his teeth and put him to bed and then I will go and sit at my computer and work for the next two hours until it is almost 11:00 at night at which time I will stumble to my room, turn on an old rerun of Golden Girls from my DVR and fall asleep before the credits are even done rolling. Thus is my life lately. But as I pointed out earlier, amongst the craziness and work and preparations for the holiday season, there are some super special times. I just wish I had more time to stop and enjoy them and document them here for me to look back on later. Because for some reason this year I am acutely aware of the fact that my kids will not be small forever. They will be sullen teenagers who just await their gifts and skip past the singing of songs and the magic of the season and just sit with their iPods playing in their ears and only stop long enough to rip the paper off their gifts and then go back to their room to enjoy them. I know this is coming. And that is why NOW is so special. And that is why I feel like I need to "bottle" now and be able to look back and remember it.

But for tonight I will just put a little red-headed boy to bed and listen to his stories about bugs and hug him and we will read Twas the Night Before Christmas and I will kiss his little head and then listen to him sing softly on his monitor while I work.

And since you have stuck with me for this long, babbling post...here are some pics. Because of course we all know that's why you really come here anyway, right? The Boy decorating a gingerbread man:

And The Girl when we were picking out our Christmas tree. I don't know how I snapped this picture but it is SO her. The little face, that little expression...just totally my daughter. Love her so much...
Happy Holidays everyone. May you all be enjoying it as much as I am!

I Swear I'll Post Something of Substance at Some Point...

We interrupt this blogging haitus for these words:

Thank you, Spout PBS, for airing the Calliou Holiday Movie on this rainy Sunday morning in December and giving me an hour and a half with which to get things done. I do not, however, thank you for airing commercials during said movie because my son is now following me around going, "You know what else I want for Christmas...I saw it on a commercial during Calliou..."

Ugh. Is this why everybody bashes the TV watching by young kids? :)

Neglect

I've been neglecting my blog lately; it's true. But I have also been neglecting my health which is why my throat is so raw that I can't even begin to swallow and I have no voice to speak of, or to speak with for that matter. I have also been neglecting my sleep, my laundry, my house work and probably some of my good friends.

But here is what I have NOT been neglecting. First of all my kids. On Friday I sent my daughter to daycare even though she doesn't usually go on Fridays (okay so maybe I neglected HER a little bit...) so that I could have an entire one-on-one day with my son. We went to Petroglyph to make Christmas presents, had a little lunch, went and saw Tangled at the movies and then ended the day back at his school for his performance of the Holiday Program where he sang 5 songs like a champ. It was an amazing day and I am SO glad I carved out some time just for him.

I have not been missing these holiday moments with either of my kids. As you saw in my Friday "this moment" post, my daughter is unbelievably cute in her little Santa hat as she runs around the house singing Jingle Bells. She stops by our Christmas tree every single time she passes it and tells me, "Oooohhh! So pretty!" which is quickly followed by, "Don't TOUCH! We don't touch the ornaments..." as she gives me a sideways grin and proceeds to touch every single ornament that she can reach. BUT! She isn't pulling them off so that's something. I have said before and I'll say it again, I think this might be the greatest year ever for my son and the holidays. It is just so...magical for him. I want to bottle this time and save it for when he's a sullen teenager telling me, "just give me my gifts!" When we went driving the other night and looked at lights he said to me, "Mommy these lights are a special rainbow made just for my eyes!" I know, right? Kills me...

I have not been neglecting my so-unbelievably-busy work schedule and I can't get over how much work there really is to be done. I am not sure I will ever get back on top of it all but I am doing my damnest to try and get myself out from under the pile. And so far nothing tragic has happened... (knock on wood...knock on wood...)

AND! I am almost done Christmas shopping. I still have the damn stockings to deal with but all the big gifts have been done and ordered and most have arrived. PLUS! Super bonus. I actually got my Christmas cards (photo picture cards plus a letter) written, addressed, stamped and mailed out this morning. And believe me, that was no easy task as I send out over 60 cards and hand addressed them all.

So as you see...tis the season for lots of things. It just doesn't appear to be the season for updating my blog. Which is unfortunate really because there are some pretty damn cute and priceless moments going on in my world right now and I would love it if I had the super human strength needed to document it all here so I can look back later and swoon. But...like I said, the Christmas cards got mailed. So that's something.

'Tis the Season

In my family we celebrate Christmas. And it is such a different time as an adult than it is as a child. And thank God right? It is such a magical time for kids. And I think part of our jobs as parents is to attempt to give that type of a feeling to our children. But I think for a lot of adults in general, Christmas and the holidays in general isn’t anywhere near as amazing as it was when you were a child. And part of that is because you are trying to give your children that magical experience and the magic doesn’t just come out of nowhere does it?

We work hard as parents to create the perfect holiday moments. But the moments with our children when they are young and impressionable and sweet during the holidays are amongst the best. Seeing their little faces when they walk down the hall and see a full stocking that Santa filled for them? And then the look of pure amazement on their faces when they see the almost-completely-gone cookies and milk they left out the night before for Santa and you can practically hear them thinking, “He was actually HERE last night.” It really is a magical time for them. And, I think, for us as parents. This is what we work for all year long. Not necessarily the gifts, because although seeing the kids open and enjoy those gifts is fabulous, it’s the whole “Santa coming to visit” thing that makes it all spectacular. I remember feeling like that as a kid too. I remember going outside of my grandmother’s house at like 8:00 at night and looking up in the sky and seeing (what was probably the lights of an airplane) Santa and the reindeer flying and just knowing that it was Santa. And that feeling of joy that comes with it. Not only gifts, but gifts from Santa!!, which of course was different than gifts from my parents. They were the special ones. Parents gave stuff like underwear and clothes and stuff, but the stuff that came from Santa was always awesome. Somehow he knew exactly which present would be your favorite and it always came from him. Funny how that happens.

All of this to say that this time when the kids are young and they feel this way goes so fast. My son will be 5 in January and he is still firmly in the magical kingdom. But when talking to my Mom about plans for the early morning she said, “You know it won’t always be like this.” In a few years he will know and it will be different. And then it will be that way for The Girl for as long as her brother keeps his mouth shut…and then it is just different.” And she’s right. I hadn’t thought of that. I guess I just thought it would always be like this. But I don’t know how many more years I have of this innocence and love and pure joy. I want to live it while it’s here.

The other day in the car we were listening to Christmas music. And for the first time this season my son heard the song “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” and he thought it was great. We talked about how it was a silly song and we laughed and listened to it again. One the second listen through my son was trying to sing along with the chorus and suddenly he stopped singing and said, “What do they mean ‘there’s no such thing as Santa…” ? Why would they say that?” Cause you know that’s part of the chorus. Sing it for a minute in your head…I’ll wait…

Right? So of course my little OCD son picks up on that. I proceeded to tell him that it was just part of the silly song. Of course Grandma wouldn’t get run over by a reindeer! And of course there’ such a thing as Santa!” Silly song!!

But how much longer do we get to believe that?

Thankful Take 2...

So everything I wrote in my last post on Thanksgiving was true. All of it. I am thankful for SO much and my kids are just amazing little things...but...

There are other things I am thankful for too. Like daycare and school. After spending every single waking hour (and some not-so-waking hours) with both of my kids from Wednesday at noon until this morning...well I can definitely tell you I am thankful for daycare and school. SO SO thankful. If I'm being honest, it was a really long weekend.

The Boy was fine. He was good. Plus, he's easy to deal with so he got some time out of the house away from me with friends and family. So he was good. But The Girl? She and I literally spent every single second together and man...it got rough a couple of times. Remember a couple of months ago when she got some little bug and started having diarrhea all over the place? Remember that? Yeah, we are right there again. It started the day after Thanksgiving which makes today...day 4. Last time it lasted almost 10 days. Dear God we are not even half way done if that repeats itself. And on a long weekend it was really hard. She was super whiny and just wanted to be held and rocked. Which for the first day or so was really sweet and cute and, OF COURSE Mommy will hold you and rock you and make you feel better. But by day three I started to wonder what that smell was and couldn't tell if it was my own self because I hadn't showered in two days, or if it was something coming from the kitchen as I hadn't been able to empty the dishwasher in two days, or perhaps the cats litter box...the choices were endless. Because, you see, when you are a single Mommy and one of your children is demanding to be held all the time there isn't a lot of other stuff that can get done. So you choose to either let your child cry and whine and follow you around the house and latch onto your legs every time you pause long enough for them to get a grip, or you sit. And you sit. And you watch PBS because it is the only thing that keeps her quiet.

The weather was also super crappy and cold and rainy here this weekend and what with Little Miss Poops-A-Lot messing through any outfit at any given time (OOHH!! Also thankful for the washing machine. SUPER thankful for that), we barely left the house. And man...these walls started to close in on me. Add to that bored, whiny, sometimes sick kids and it makes for a REALLY long weekend.

So today! Back to school for both of them. Yesterday was somewhat better for The Girl with no major blow outs so I was hoping we were going to be done with it. I warned her daycare ladies that she had a bit of a tummy thing going on and to please call me if they needed me to come and get her (please don't call...please don't call...please don't call...) but that I hoped she was on the tail end of it. Since I made it through the entire day without a phone call I figured we were all good. Until my mom brought her home tonight. She was in a different outfit than I sent her in (bad sign number one) and then my mom came in carrying a grocery bag stuffed full. I knew we had done the grocery shopping over the weekend (an outting!! Yay!! How sad is my life?) so I looked a little perplexed. My mom said, "Apparently your daughter pooped through every single one of her spare outfits and it all needs to be washed." (Bad sign number 2). She has 4 spare outfits. All 4 of them came home, along with ALL of her bedding from school. Not only did it need to be washed, but it had to be rinsed first because they literally peeled it off of her and stuffed it into a bag. So it sat in a bag and marinated all day long and then when I opened it? I can't even tell you all. I seriously almost barfed from the stench.

And bad sign number 3? Well when we were eating dinner, out of the blue The Girl starts screaming. I asked her what was wrong and she said in a pitiful little voice, "I wanta a new diaper..." Her poor bum. So I took her back to change it and...nothing. A little tiny skid on the diaper but that was it. I can't imagine how much it must have hurt to have that reaction. So I gave her a fresh diaper anyway and put some medicine on her bum and sent her on her way. About 10 minutes later she came toddling down the hall and said, "Pee You!! Stinky!!" I looked at her and she was COVERED. Seriously. Down both legs, up the front, in her belly button you guys. So of course I picked her up and cleaned her up getting my new cute red Christmas sweater covered in poop in the process. Poor sweetie. Poor me. Poor all of us.

At least my mom agreed to take my sweater home and make it smell like new again. Because seriously, the washer was already going and...I just didn't have it in me. Even now, I am going to go put on a different outfit all together because something on my person smells like ass. And it is kinda making me want to lose my mind.

So...thankful? Absolutely. Wouldn't trade it for anything. But damn...sometimes it is just easier to go to work!