Wednesday, May 26, 2010


Today is the 2 year anniversary of my blog. I just went back and read that first post, and it is amazing how much things have changed. Just amazing.

For one thing, when I wrote "The Back Story," I didn't seem nearly as angry with The Ex as I feel like I was (or am). I seemed sad but somehow at peace. I think I even went so far as to say that we had both tried our best and that it just hadn't worked out. Two years later that is NOT my memories. I am still really angry. I am angry that my son didn't get the family he was supposed to. And for some reason that anger overrides my completely knowledge that *I* am a much happier person without her in my life. It's strange really. Looking back, I was saddened to read about how hard the split was on my son. But today it is better for him. He is a happy dude who truly has no recollection of when his moms lived together. Divorce is a hard, hard thing. I don't know if you ever completely recover from it. Not a day goes by that I don't get frustrated or angry or disappointed in something having to do with The Ex and how our lives played out.

Just yesterday I was talking to her on the phone about a possible school for our son (another post) and she mentioned how she had to go through some old computer files at work and she found pictures of the two of us right when we bought this house and we just looked so content and happy. And then she found pictures of us turning the office into a nursery for The Boy and she mentioned how it just made her smile. She said that was such a great time in her life. And all I could think was, "Really? Really?!?!?! That was a great time? Because 4 months after he was born you were out of here." It appears that somehow all of my memories have gotten tainted. I can't remember the "good times." And when I do? I feel like I was being duped. I told my mom today about her telling me about these pictures and I said that I really wished I could see the world through her rose colored glasses. That is one thing she has always been good at. She is a "grass is always greener kind of person" and for her the past and/or the future are all going to be wonderful. But the present? It always sucked. When we were together she would talk about how wonderful it was when we first met...and how wonderful it was going to be when we finally had our baby...but for some reason the place we actually were always seemed to bring her misery. It was never enough. And I marvel that today she can look back on those times and "smile" because of "how wonderful a time in her life it was." I remember the truth. She was miserable in our old house and she practically MADE me sell it and buy the house I currently live in. We were knee deep in trying to get pregnant and I was on all sorts of hormone shots and I was emotionally a mess. Last thing I wanted to do was sell a house and then buy a new one. But she was determined. It was what was going to "fix everything." That new house...THAT would be what would finally make her happy. Make her feel at peace. And guess what? Like every project we took never did. Nothing ever did until she got up and left the situation. And now, two years later she looks back on it like the best time of her life. She told me the other day that if I would just stop "playing hard to get and take her back" that she would make me SO happy. I just laughed. I gave her that chance and the irony of the situation was that it was HER that was never happy. I couldn't make her happy or make her feel loved no matter how hard I tried. And I have no interest in taking on that battle again. Ever.

Whew...I guess someone needed to vent a little huh? Sorry about that... Like I said, divorce is hard.

BUT. Let's talk about nice things. Let's talk about the fantastic things that have happened in the last two years since I have had this blog. First of all...a little trip down memory lane. Here is what The Boy looked like when I started this blog:
He was a BABY. A little tiny dude that had major speech issues and major health issues but who was nonetheless the major love of my life. That part hasn't changed but the rest has. He's still a little dude, although he is growing. But he talks like pretty much all the other 4 year olds I know, with a few exceptions. And besides not eating and not gaining weight (which is just pretty much par for the course at this point), he is the picture of health. We haven't had a hospital visit and he hasn't been diagnosed as "failure to thrive" in...I don't even know how long. He is doing great in pre school and is a smart, attentive, sensitive amazing little dude. And he is still the major love in my life. Check out the before and after:
And then there's the major life change that has gone on for the past two years. My precious daughter. One of the reasons I started this blog was to document the journey that became Peanut. It was a long journey and one that was not ever easy. But most things that are worth fighting for are not. And she is no exception. She was just a glimmer in my head and my heart two years ago. And here she is today. Loud and crazy and happy and wonderful and just a giant smile to my day. Every day. She truly is my ray of sunshine. I adore that little girl. Here we are last week visiting a winery that is one of my clients. I like this pic because we were trying to make her smile and she was far too busy blowing raspberries with her lips to care. Gotta love her for that...
Great things have happened in the past two years. Clearly I still have a bit of healing to do. And like I mentioned above, I am not sure if I will ever fully be healed. But I am in SUCH a better place now than I was then. I am so happy to be two years out and to have my complete family. I feel at peace. I feel relaxed. I feel proud and honored to be able to be a mom to these two great kids. And I am thrilled to have made it through it all.

1 comment:

AuntFancy said...

You deserve all the happiness in the world, and then some. Love you!!