Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The Greedy Infertile

Is it true what they say about "once an infertile, always an infertile?" I still feel like that person. I still feel like the person who spent 3 years and over $30,000 on trying to get pregnant. But because once I started using fresh sperm (as opposed to frozen) I got pregnant on the first try, does that count me out? And if I happen to get pregnant this cycle, then am I officially fired from the infertile world? Because no matter what, I still feel like that person. Or do I?

I tested positive this morning on my OPK. Like really positive. So that means that I will be ovulating anytime between now and 36 hours from now. And I did the insemination at around 2:00pm yesterday. How does that timing look? Here's where the debate comes in. IF I really wanted a girl for this next baby, it would be a good idea to not do anymore inseminations and just hope that the little girl spermies can stay alive and swim for up to 3 days (which they supposedly can). But IF I am a true infertile (one who honestly believes that the sex doesn't matter so long as we can achieve a healthy baby) then I saw screw the sex thing and I beg donor boy to come back tomorrow for another insemination. **

Here's the thing. I honestly don't care about the gender of my next child. In theory I suppose it would be great to have one of each. And I really do have a fantastic relationship with my mother, so I would like to be able to continue that mother/daughter bond thing that has been in my family for years. And I suppose it would be interesting to parent a daughter after parenting a son. BUT, logistically, I really want nothing to do with a girl. I don't like girl toys, I don't like girl clothes, I know nothing about how to make her hair look cute in pig tails, and I am generally scared shitless of the concept of having to parent one. One could argue that since I am a girl that I would understand. But I was never the girlie girl. I was the girl that played with GI Joe's instead of Barbies. I was the girl that wore jeans everyday of her life and STILL hyperventilates if I have to put a dress on for something. And let's not even discuss having to change a girl's diaper. That whole having to always wipe in one direction thing. And the fact that there are all the little nooks and crannies that should NOT have poop in them. It makes me cringe just thinking about it.

And I love, love, love parenting my son. I love the cars and trucks as opposed to dolls and clothes, I love not having to worry about all his shorts being low-rise and if his hinder areas are going to hang out. I love not having to worry about some dumb boy breaking my daughter's heart, and I love that I have every single thing that my son has ever used or worn. And that I would not have to buy ANYTHING if I have another boy. And man, the love that I have for that little boy just overwhelms me. I would love to have two sons. I would love it to be "me and my boys." So being totally honest, I will be happy with either sex. I apparently do just want to have a healthy baby.

And this is when I revert back to the infertility of my past. I don't want to specifically try for a girl. I want to get as much of that sperm stuff up in there just to ensure that I end up with some sort of child. I am not so past all of this to think that I have months and months to try with an endless amount of sperm (like someone who is married to say, a boy) and therefore should just try techniques to make one sex or the other. I still have that feeling in me that there is no way that I will actually achieve a baby this month. It just can't be that easy. Therefore I want assurance that I have done everything I possibly can to make that baby...ANY baby. So when/if donor boy calls me, I can assure you I will be asking him to join me for another "afternoon delight."

** I am in no way trying to decipher or identify what it means to be a "true infertile." I am grappling with my own issues of whether or not I still qualify. That's all. Continue on with your day. :)

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