I'm Going To Let Him Tell You...

And he's VERY excited about it.  :)  In case you can't read his shirt, it says he is going to be a big brother.  That's right.  Pregnant.  Holy shit.

I had been testing everyday and on Saturday morning I got a VERY faint shadow of a line.  But a line is a line is a line, right?  I had The Ex and my mom look at it and they both most definitely saw a line.  So I was pretty confident.  One might say a little too confident...

So this morning when I woke up (at 5:45am, mind you) I peed again and fully expected to see a darker line.  But I didn't.  There didn't seem to be a line at all.  I couldn't believe it.  I went back and looked at yesterday's test to compare and there was definitely a line there yesterday and if you turned the test in the right direction...and the light was hitting it just right...there might be a line on today's test.  But it was most definitely lighter than the one yesterday.  Is it going away already?  Had it only been there for a day?  Holy crap.  I layed in bed and lamented the fact that I had gotten cocky.  Yesterday after 3 different people confirmed seeing a line I went online and ordered a bouquet of flowers to be delivered to my Dad and my step mom with a card that read, "Congratulations, you are going to be grandparents...AGAIN!!"  Those flowers are set to be delivered on Monday.  So I layed in bed and tried to figure out how I could cancel the damn flowers and how I had let myself get so cocky and stupid.  Damn line.  Totally foiled me.

So after about 2 hours of doing this, I decided to pee on another stick.  Why I didn't do this earlier, I guess I just didn't see the point.  Plus in my head I had peed on Saturday at around 10:00am so I thought if I waited until that apparently "magic time" again, then maybe the line would miraculously show up.  But most of all, I just didn't want to be disappointed.  I knew if I tested again and there really wasn't a line, then I was screwed.  Two tests couldn't be wrong.

My mom and step dad had bought me a package of 4 tests at Cost.co yesterday.  It was one of those tests that I had used this morning.  So I dug out the last of the tests that I had bought at the pharmacy last week (I read the expiration dates on them to know which one was from which batch) and used that one.  I left the bathroom for the appointed 3 minutes, and even gave it an extra couple of minutes for good measure.  Then I went in to check.

There was my line.  It was definitely there, and it was definitely darker than the one from yesterday.  Thank God!!  I was so relieved and I vowed right then and there to not take any moment of this pregnancy for granted.  Since then I have gotten more tests from the pharmacy and I used one of my new ones and one of the Cost.co ones with the same batch of pee.  The Cost.co one was WAY lighter than the other one.  My mom later told me that they didn't realize it when they bought it but when they got home they realized that the package of tests had been opened and then taped shut again.  But all 4 tests were there, and they are individually wrapped so I have no idea what happened.  My line now shows up on the Cost.co tests as well, but it is just not nearly as dark as the other tests.

So I guess I don't have to cancel the flowers.  I told my brother and my sister in law today.  People are shocked.  NO ONE except my mom knew that I was even thinking of doing this.  So it is coming as quite a surprise.  Add into that the fact that I am recently single and I think people's major reaction is, "What the hell is she thinking?"  But I don't care.  I know what I was thinking.  This child was planned for months and months and months and couldn't possibly be more wanted.  Now I just have to get it here.  Tomorrow I will call my OB and go in for a blood test.  I am not sure of the protocol here.  Last time I got pregnant, I was with the REI department, so I had several blood tests to check BETA's and an ultrasound every two weeks.  I know that isn't going to happen here, but I am not sure what is.  I mean, do they just call with confirmation of ONE blood test and say, "We'll see you when you're 12 weeks along?"  Cause that just really isn't going to work for me.  At the very least, I need at least a couple of blood tests to make sure numbers are doubling and stuff.

So, as of now, we are pregnant.  Holy shit.  And yesterday The Boy peed on the potty 4 different times in like 20 minutes.  Big things are happening in the long haul household.  Big things indeed.  :)

And Now We Wait

So we are done with this cycle and now we wait.  Donor boy came by my house late last night (scandalous!!) and we did a final insemination.  I tend to think that that particular one was probably too late, but we'll see.  To sum up, I did an insemination on Tuesday afternoon, tested positive for ovulation on the OPK on Wednesday morning, and then did another insemination on Thursday night.  So now the waiting begins.  Wow, I haven't been in this situation in a LONG time.  As of right now, I am not overly stressed out.  I am still going back to that whole "if it's meant to happen it will" concept.  So I really believe that.  And there are some good things if I don't get pregnant this month (like the fact that my mom/coach/co-parent will most likely be out of town during the birth if I get pregnant this month and that SUCKS!) so it will be okay if it doesn't work out.  There's always next month.

I am off to an appointment for The Boy with his neurologist.  This is a follow up appointment to six months ago when we had to do his brain MRI.  He had a diagnosis of microcephaly (his head is too small) and that combined with his other issues made us have the MRI.  That all came back normal and today is his follow up appointment.  I am sure they will weigh him too.  Oh good, that's always fun.  I will update on that situation later.

The Greedy Infertile

Is it true what they say about "once an infertile, always an infertile?" I still feel like that person. I still feel like the person who spent 3 years and over $30,000 on trying to get pregnant. But because once I started using fresh sperm (as opposed to frozen) I got pregnant on the first try, does that count me out? And if I happen to get pregnant this cycle, then am I officially fired from the infertile world? Because no matter what, I still feel like that person. Or do I?



I tested positive this morning on my OPK. Like really positive. So that means that I will be ovulating anytime between now and 36 hours from now. And I did the insemination at around 2:00pm yesterday. How does that timing look? Here's where the debate comes in. IF I really wanted a girl for this next baby, it would be a good idea to not do anymore inseminations and just hope that the little girl spermies can stay alive and swim for up to 3 days (which they supposedly can). But IF I am a true infertile (one who honestly believes that the sex doesn't matter so long as we can achieve a healthy baby) then I saw screw the sex thing and I beg donor boy to come back tomorrow for another insemination. **



Here's the thing. I honestly don't care about the gender of my next child. In theory I suppose it would be great to have one of each. And I really do have a fantastic relationship with my mother, so I would like to be able to continue that mother/daughter bond thing that has been in my family for years. And I suppose it would be interesting to parent a daughter after parenting a son. BUT, logistically, I really want nothing to do with a girl. I don't like girl toys, I don't like girl clothes, I know nothing about how to make her hair look cute in pig tails, and I am generally scared shitless of the concept of having to parent one. One could argue that since I am a girl that I would understand. But I was never the girlie girl. I was the girl that played with GI Joe's instead of Barbies. I was the girl that wore jeans everyday of her life and STILL hyperventilates if I have to put a dress on for something. And let's not even discuss having to change a girl's diaper. That whole having to always wipe in one direction thing. And the fact that there are all the little nooks and crannies that should NOT have poop in them. It makes me cringe just thinking about it.



And I love, love, love parenting my son. I love the cars and trucks as opposed to dolls and clothes, I love not having to worry about all his shorts being low-rise and if his hinder areas are going to hang out. I love not having to worry about some dumb boy breaking my daughter's heart, and I love that I have every single thing that my son has ever used or worn. And that I would not have to buy ANYTHING if I have another boy. And man, the love that I have for that little boy just overwhelms me. I would love to have two sons. I would love it to be "me and my boys." So being totally honest, I will be happy with either sex. I apparently do just want to have a healthy baby.



And this is when I revert back to the infertility of my past. I don't want to specifically try for a girl. I want to get as much of that sperm stuff up in there just to ensure that I end up with some sort of child. I am not so past all of this to think that I have months and months to try with an endless amount of sperm (like someone who is married to say, a boy) and therefore should just try techniques to make one sex or the other. I still have that feeling in me that there is no way that I will actually achieve a baby this month. It just can't be that easy. Therefore I want assurance that I have done everything I possibly can to make that baby...ANY baby. So when/if donor boy calls me, I can assure you I will be asking him to join me for another "afternoon delight."



** I am in no way trying to decipher or identify what it means to be a "true infertile." I am grappling with my own issues of whether or not I still qualify. That's all. Continue on with your day. :)

Sperminated

Okay the deed is done.  And can I say?  What a lovely guy.  Today was the first day that I actually met donor boy and he was just fabulous.  A very decent looking guy with nice features.  He has great eyes, I noticed that right off the bat.  And he made me feel very comfortable.  Obviously this had the potential to be AWKWARD!! but it wasn't.  I feel very good about it.  Not necessarily about whether we created a baby or not, but just about what a cool guy he was.  Yes, he was definitely a hippy with the long hair and appropriate vernacular, but he smelled nice and he was just fabulous.

In terms of logistics, I did NOT test positive on the OPK today, but it was close.  It looked about the same as yesterday looked to me.  So I would assume that I will test positive tomorrow.  I asked donor boy if he was available at all for the rest of the week and he said he would give me a call tomorrow.  I may just do another OPK this afternoon to see if it is the same as this morning.  We'll see.  But I only paid him half of what we agreed upon today so I imagine he will make time to come back.  I did tell him that if we couldn't hook up again, I would still pay him the full amount we agreed upon and he told me he would definitely make time to come back if I needed him.  

In all honesty, I am a little weirded out by what has happened here today, but like I said the other day, focus on the outcome not the process.  So with that, I will sign off for the day and be back with more updates later.  Thanks for all of you who have called and wished me well and good luck.  I will keep you all posted.

Tomorrow afternoon, not tonight

So we are going to get together tomorrow afternoon (that would be Tuesday afternoon).  I spoke with donor a couple of times today and he had some doctors appointments and other appointments over the hill today so he wasn't even available to come over here until after 5:00pm.  We talked and since I did not test positive on the OPK today, and will most likely test positive tomorrow, that is a better day anyway.  As long as he can come tomorrow, we should be good to go in terms of timing.  We will know more for sure when I test tomorrow morning, but that is what I am guessing.

Oh, and a little side story for you all.  I mentioned this briefly in my last post but when I conceived The Boy with Baby Daddy, it was a little awkward.  We had asked him ahead of time if he needed us to get him a magazine or something and he did the whole, "Nah!  I'm a guy.  We can do it whenever and wherever we need to.  I don't need your stinking magazines!" or something to that effect.  However when it came time to ummm...actually go into the bathroom, I think he might have had performance anxiety or something.  First he asked if we had anything he could look at.  All I had to offer him was my naked lady lesbian calendar (which has quite tasteful black and white pics of beautiful women).  So I gave him that.  Then he said, "ummm...do you have any lotion or anything?"  First of all, GROSS!  But second of all, yeah that makes sense.  So we sent him into the bathroom with our old strawberry flavored lube and a thing of hand lotion.  That and the lesbian calendar.

So this time I decided to try and do it right.  I went to an actual shop where the se.x toys are sold and talked to the women behind the counter.  I told them exactly why I was there and that I needed something for donor to use that wouldn't embarrass him OR me and that didn't have smells or anything.  Obviously I also wanted to avoid using any sort of sperm.icide that would kill the little swimmers that I need.  So I got the lube and then asked if they had any magazines.  They pointed me to the smoke shop next door.  So I went in there looking for just a random Play.boy or Pent.house or something.  Not easy to find.  They all had DVD's with them (umm...hopefully he won't be in there that long) and they were all some sort of scary themed stuff.  So I found one Pent.house that had a DVD and some posters with it and ended up buying it for $14.99.  But I guess it saved me having to go to the liquor store to buy something less over the top.

So I am armed with some sort of boy lube, much more than just a regular magazine, and my little specimen cups and my syringe.  I can't believe this all may actually be happening.  I have been talking about this and planning for so long that it almost seems like it isn't ever going to actually happen.  But then to have it right about to happen well I feel...funky.  I mean obviously this is weird.  Most people don't create their families this way.  But I am trying to focus on the outcome and not the process.  If I think about the process I might just chicken out, because let's face it, this is very strange.  I have never even met donor boy and he is just going to come over to my house and use my restroom and then be on his way.  I will say though that every single time I talk to him on the phone I like him a little bit more.  He is a cool guy.  Very mellow and the fact that he said he feels "honored" to be able to give me the biggest gift in the world just solidifies that he seems to be the right guy.  Or if you are using his lingo, he seems to be the right dude for the job.  :)

He Lives!

Okay I just got a phone call from donor boy. His test results are back and he is all "groovy," as he puts it. He has a couple of appointments during the day where he lives but he is planning on coming over this evening. It is a little after 12:00pm now and he said we would talk in a couple of hours, but that he would be over this evening. Holy crap. I honestly didn't believe that this was going to happen, but now it seems as though it might. The evening time thing might be a little tricky as The Boy will be there, and also my mom, but we shall just see how it goes. At least Mom knows what is going on and can keep the boy entertained and "out of the way" if necessary.

So I am off to get some cash and also pick up some nasty magazines. Last time we did this, all I had to offer our donor was my lesbian wall calender, which is black and white naked pics of the girlies, but this time I am going to be prepared damnit! Holy shit!

Missing In Action

So today is the first day that I would be doing an insemination for this month...that is if I had any clue where my donor boy might be. Last I heard from him was a week ago on Monday the 4th. He left me a message saying that his test results should be back by Friday the 8th. He had successfully dropped his daughter back off with her Mom and would talk to me soon. I then called him back (like an hour after he had called me) and left him a message. I told him that based on my cycle I would need to see him on Monday the 11th, Wednesday the 13th, and possibly Friday the 15th. I spelled out how I would be giving him $200 in cash for each "deposit" and if I didn't need him on Friday than I would give him money for two deposits on Wednesday. Since I know that this guy doesn't have "a pot to piss in" (that is a quote from my client that is friends with donor boy), I figured the mention of cold, hard cash may make him a little more motivated to make this work.

I have been doing the OPK's this weekend and today's test was close. The two lines were virtually the same color with the test line still being just a little bit darker than the other line. So I imagine that I will probably test positive for ovulation on tomorrow's test. Therefore inseminations today and Wednesday would be rad. So...we are all ready to go...we just have no donor. Now as I have explained before, this donor is a little...hippy? Bohemian? Free spirit? So it would not surprise me at all to get a random phone call sometime throughout the day like, "Okay I am over the hill and ready to go...where should we meet?" So I guess that might still happen. But I would also not be shocked to not hear from him at all. I just called his cell phone (which was still on, so I guess that's a good sign) and left him a message saying that I had hoped that I saw him today and to please give me a call either way and let me know what's going on. So that is where we stand as of 10:45am on Monday morning...

Oh, and I almost killed myself trying to find the old box of specimen cups and syringes that I ordered off the internet back in 2005 that were buried in my garage. I had to balance on the top of my car and randomly yank out boxes until I found them. But I did find them. So now all I need is a couple of nudy magazines and some boy lube (what the hell is that anyway?) Oh, and I guess I need to find my donor...

Baby Makin' Update

There is so much craziness going on in my work life right now that it seems as if this issue has kind of taken the back burner, which is totally out of the norm for me. Usually I am totally obsessed on what is going on and when. But things are moving along, so I thought I would post an update here. I have talked with donor boy and he is ready to go this month. I mailed him a check last weekend so that he can go and get testing done. He is basically going to do an entire STD panel, an AIDS test and all the hepatitis tests. So he is supposed to go and do that this week. Then I told him I would give him a call and give him the dates I will need to see him for the inseminations.



Yesterday was CD1 (cycle day one for my non-infertile friends reading...) so that gets the ball rolling. I am going to ask him to do inseminations on day 14, 16 and 18. So hopefully I will see him on Monday August 11th, Wednesday August 13th and then Friday August 15th. Since I tested positive for ovulation on day 19 last month, I think that should cover my basis. Also last month was a weird month as I usually ovulate pretty much right around day 14. I had a 32 day cycle last month and usually I am pretty spot on 28 days. So that is why I am going for the inseminations around my usual ovulation of day 14.



My donor is an interesting guy. He is kind of like a bohemian hippy type so he is one who just kinda "flies by the seat of his pants." I don't have a ton of experience with this guy so there is a chance that the inseminations won't happen exactly when I would like them to happen, and there is an even smaller chance that they won't happen at all. Donor is going out of town to take his daughter back to her mom and says he will be back up in our area around the weekend of the 9th of August. So that is cutting it pretty close. And for someone who regularly gets their phone shut off and sort of disappears for a few weeks at a time, it is probably a stretch to assume that things will go exactly as I planned. But I am going to just hang in there and see what happens. If he is totally flaky and nothing ends up happening this month then I am out nothing. If it appears that he isn't going to be reliable enough for me to count on in the future then I will have to go back to looking into frozen sperm from the bank. But man, that is just so expensive. So I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt and hope it all works out with him. I know it sounds cheesy, but I really do feel like whatever is supposed to happen will. If he is supposed to be my donor and make a baby with me, then it will all fall into place somehow. But if he isn't, then it won't. Seems kinda simple, but very out of the ordinary for my anal-retentive Virgo self.



I guess since I already have The Boy, I don't feel that intense necessity to have everything planned down to the letter. It is interesting how different I feel the second time around. I am just as determined to make baby number two as I was to make baby number one, but maybe this time I am just a little more relaxed about the whole thing. I will make this happen. Or at least I will do my best to make this happen. If it is with this donor, then that's great. And if it isn't, then I will look into my other options when that happens. Right now, we are good to go with this cycle and I have no reason to think the inseminations won't happen. So I am holding onto that for the time being. Of course, I will keep you all posted. :)

Back in time for the trains

Wow.  It feels like I have lived a couple of lifetimes in the last couple of weeks.  There is lots to talk about.  Mainly how the last couple of weeks affected my son and myself as a result.  But today I am here to talk about what we did today.  We went to A Day Out With Thomas over by the beach.  I have to preface this with the fact that my son is seriously addicted to Thomas.  Like in a serious way.  I joke that he is going to need a 12 step program to move away from Thomas.  So while I was excited about taking him, I didn't have very high expectations for the turnout.  I had read this review about A Day Out With Thomas.  You really need to go and read that.  She is hysterical.  And she expresses the day so much better than I ever could.  So go and read that and then come back here.  I'll wait...

Okay.  Done?  So it was a lovely day.  My boy did a little bit better on the train than hers, but not great.  He held on to me with a ferocity that was crazy.  But if I asked him if he was having a good time he would say yes.  And there was no crying.  We checked out Sir Topham Hat, which was a big excitement for all attending.  Then we headed over to the "Imagination Area" and got a temporty Harold the Helicopter tattoo.  It looks beautiful.  Then it was off to the "Retail Store" where The Boy looked longingly at items that were then picked up by his Gigi and promptly bought for him.  I vetoed a few, but he left with a new engine, a placemat, a t-shirt and the plastic crane.  Oh and some Thomas Bubbles thing.  Wow, after typing that I realize how ridiculous that is.  But it was a beautiful day with perfect weather.  I really had a nice time.  And The Boy had a great time.  And we seriously bonded and had a lovely day together.  It was nice to have him cling to me on the train and not my mom (further explanations on that coming soon).  It was a wonderful day with my boy and exactly what we both needed I think. 

The pictures above.  Leaving on the train before we started moving.  Then the death grip once we started moving.  And finally with his swag from his ever-spending Gigi.

Oh!  And when we got home today.  I got a message from donor boy.

I'm Just Sayin'

So I haven't really been blogging about this, but I have been slowly (and under the supervision of my doctor) weaning myself off my anti depressants and sleeping medication that I have been on since The Boy was about 6 months old.  If I am going to proceed with a second pregnancy, I am going to do it in the healthiest manner possible.  And that means no medication except a prenatal vitamin.  It has been a very long process and I am pretty proud of myself for doing it while such craziness has been going on in my life.  BUT!  Yesterday was the first day in a very long time that I went all day long with no medication whatsoever.  No anti depressant, and nothing to help me sleep last night either.  First time in a very long time for that.  And guess what people?  I'm still here.  And I feel pretty damn good.

Apparently I'm nuts

I understand that it is hardly ideal to be a single parent.  I get that it isn't something that you should necessarily shoot for.  But I am constantly surprised by people's reaction when I tell them that I am planning on getting pregnant again (GASP!!) without being in a relationship.  Maybe I am too laid back about the whole thing, or maybe I happen to understand my circumstances better than the average joe that is making these comments.  Or maybe I am not doing a good enough job of explaining myself.  But I often feel like I am trying to convince people that it really is a good idea to do just a little LSD every single night of my life, rather than bring another child into this world.

If I look around to the families of people I know (not necessarily my close friends and family, but rather people they know etc...) I sometimes see a situation where the Mother and Father of the family have some SERIOUS issues in life.  Maybe these issues are in their relationship, maybe these issues are from their own childhood, or maybe they just don't live a very healthy lifestyle and are therefore teaching their children to do the same.  However because they happen to be part of a couple, people automatically think it's a great idea for them to have another baby.  Why is it that a couple who's marriage is in deep trouble, and the two people involved treat each other like crap, they are going to be better parents than I?  Just because of the two people?  Is that really it?  I can't tell you how many people assume that I should put my baby-making plans on hold until I meet someone else.  But really, if I think about that, then that is pushing back my baby quest for several years.  It takes time to meet someone and decide if they are worthy of dating, and then even more time to make sure they are the right fit for you.  And then once you have ideally passed that point, then you are in the throws of a new relationship and that is hardly the time to throw a pregnancy and a child into the mix.  So even if I met someone fabulous this afternoon, it would be at least a couple of years before I would try and have a baby with that person.  And let's face it, I am not getting any younger.  Neither is my son.  I don't want to have my kids over 5 years apart.  That works for a ton of families and I am not judging, but it wouldn't work for me.

I also have to admit that since I had my first baby with The Ex, I am somewhat comparing my situation with her to what my situation would have been like without her.  And although she is a wonderful mother to our son, having to take care of her and our relationship while having a baby was tough.  I won't go into too many details but let's just say that The Ex needed A LOT of attention and she needed to know that she was number one all the time.  She didn't want to share me with a baby and therefore expected me to still take care of her while I was also taking care of a newborn.  It doesn't help that our relationship had already been damaged by the infertility treatments (and other things of course), but I remember after I had The Boy I honestly felt that it would have been easier to JUST take care of this new little baby I had.  She wasn't thrilled with the idea of breast feeding, so I didn't (I pumped.  And pumped and pumped.  For a long time.  I wasn't willing to give up on our baby having breast milk, but I would concede on the actual boob suckage thing), she didn't want the baby to stay in the room with us after he was born, so he didn't.  Looking back, I would do a whole lot of things different now, but at the time I was trying to take care of a relationship at the same time, and also allow her to be a parent and make some of the big decisions.

So to me, the idea of doing this on my own, without having to take care of anyone else and worry about anyone else's feelings is just lovely.  Sounds great.  Sign me up.  Perhaps if I had a different situation with The Boy and The Ex then I would know what I was missing (that being a helpful and committed partner).  But I really was on my own then.  I was on my own and I also was trying to save a failing marriage at the same time.  That wasn't fun .  So the thought of doing this on my own?  Not horrible.  I am not fooling myself thinking it will be all flowers and bliss.  No way.  I know there are times when it is going to suck.  Big time.  But I don't think it will suck any worse than it did last time.  And I think it all turned out pretty spectacular last time.  I love being a parent to that little boy more than anything else in the world.  And I think I can offer that to another little person just waiting to join our family.  And even if everyone else thinks I am nuts, I can't wait to try and make that happen.

PS--I am on cycle day 16 or 17 and still haven't tested positive for ovulation yet.  WTF?

Back in the stirrups again

I had an appointment with my OB yesterday to talk about getting pregnant again.  She checked out all the lady bits and we talked about moving forward.  I guess I should take this opportunity to talk a little bit about the new donor I have found.  A client of mine has a good friend that is willing to be a donor for me and the hopefully second child.  I have not met him in person yet, but have spoken to him on the phone.  He is ready and willing to do whatever I need him to do.  So I talked to my OB about what tests and things that need to be done before we begin inseminations.  Basically since I am not feeling like it is necessary for him to do a full work up (he has 4 healthy kids already) the only thing we need to do is get all the STD tests and HIV etc...  He doesn't have health insurance so we talked about where to send him for the tests and she wrote down specifically what I should ask for.

I am still shooting for having August be the first month I try to get pregnant.  Now that I have this information from my doctor, I need to call donor and talk to him and make sure that he is still cool with that time table.  But I am tracking my cycle this month just to get an idea of when I will ovulate in August so that I can give him some days that I expect I will need him.  I POAS yesterday, which was day 13 I believe, and I didn't test positive for ovulation.  I haven't tested yet this morning, but my cycle has historically been pretty exact so I would imagine that I will test positive either today or tomorrow.  Although I would love it if we could push this cycle back in some way.  See if I continue with the exact 28 day cycle that I have had for the last 5 months then I would be doing inseminations around the 9th and 10th of August.  Here's the problem...I already have a trip scheduled up to my cabin in the mountains for that weekend.  So if we could just get this cycle to be a couple of days later then we would move into a Monday or Tuesday for inseminations which would work MUCH better for my vacationing plans.  :)  We will just have to wait and see.