Monday, July 14, 2008

Apparently I'm nuts

I understand that it is hardly ideal to be a single parent.  I get that it isn't something that you should necessarily shoot for.  But I am constantly surprised by people's reaction when I tell them that I am planning on getting pregnant again (GASP!!) without being in a relationship.  Maybe I am too laid back about the whole thing, or maybe I happen to understand my circumstances better than the average joe that is making these comments.  Or maybe I am not doing a good enough job of explaining myself.  But I often feel like I am trying to convince people that it really is a good idea to do just a little LSD every single night of my life, rather than bring another child into this world.

If I look around to the families of people I know (not necessarily my close friends and family, but rather people they know etc...) I sometimes see a situation where the Mother and Father of the family have some SERIOUS issues in life.  Maybe these issues are in their relationship, maybe these issues are from their own childhood, or maybe they just don't live a very healthy lifestyle and are therefore teaching their children to do the same.  However because they happen to be part of a couple, people automatically think it's a great idea for them to have another baby.  Why is it that a couple who's marriage is in deep trouble, and the two people involved treat each other like crap, they are going to be better parents than I?  Just because of the two people?  Is that really it?  I can't tell you how many people assume that I should put my baby-making plans on hold until I meet someone else.  But really, if I think about that, then that is pushing back my baby quest for several years.  It takes time to meet someone and decide if they are worthy of dating, and then even more time to make sure they are the right fit for you.  And then once you have ideally passed that point, then you are in the throws of a new relationship and that is hardly the time to throw a pregnancy and a child into the mix.  So even if I met someone fabulous this afternoon, it would be at least a couple of years before I would try and have a baby with that person.  And let's face it, I am not getting any younger.  Neither is my son.  I don't want to have my kids over 5 years apart.  That works for a ton of families and I am not judging, but it wouldn't work for me.

I also have to admit that since I had my first baby with The Ex, I am somewhat comparing my situation with her to what my situation would have been like without her.  And although she is a wonderful mother to our son, having to take care of her and our relationship while having a baby was tough.  I won't go into too many details but let's just say that The Ex needed A LOT of attention and she needed to know that she was number one all the time.  She didn't want to share me with a baby and therefore expected me to still take care of her while I was also taking care of a newborn.  It doesn't help that our relationship had already been damaged by the infertility treatments (and other things of course), but I remember after I had The Boy I honestly felt that it would have been easier to JUST take care of this new little baby I had.  She wasn't thrilled with the idea of breast feeding, so I didn't (I pumped.  And pumped and pumped.  For a long time.  I wasn't willing to give up on our baby having breast milk, but I would concede on the actual boob suckage thing), she didn't want the baby to stay in the room with us after he was born, so he didn't.  Looking back, I would do a whole lot of things different now, but at the time I was trying to take care of a relationship at the same time, and also allow her to be a parent and make some of the big decisions.

So to me, the idea of doing this on my own, without having to take care of anyone else and worry about anyone else's feelings is just lovely.  Sounds great.  Sign me up.  Perhaps if I had a different situation with The Boy and The Ex then I would know what I was missing (that being a helpful and committed partner).  But I really was on my own then.  I was on my own and I also was trying to save a failing marriage at the same time.  That wasn't fun .  So the thought of doing this on my own?  Not horrible.  I am not fooling myself thinking it will be all flowers and bliss.  No way.  I know there are times when it is going to suck.  Big time.  But I don't think it will suck any worse than it did last time.  And I think it all turned out pretty spectacular last time.  I love being a parent to that little boy more than anything else in the world.  And I think I can offer that to another little person just waiting to join our family.  And even if everyone else thinks I am nuts, I can't wait to try and make that happen.

PS--I am on cycle day 16 or 17 and still haven't tested positive for ovulation yet.  WTF?

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