Honesty

When I started this blog I swore I would be completely honest here.  I have such admiration for all the writers that I read on a daily basis who are completely honest on their blogs.  Reading the entries that are probably the hardest to write are the ones that connect me with the writer, and make me feel like I am not alone in my personal struggles as a parent.

So being 100% honest, the last couple of weeks have been some of the hardest parenting moments in a very long time.  Going off anti depressants at the same time as having a major job upheaval, during which I am processing the divorcing and ending of a 8 year relationship; probably wasn't one of my best ideas in the world.  But whatever, there is never a perfect time to make things happen.  Sometimes you just have to get through life and manage through the tough times.  That is what I have tried to do.

But being honest, it has been tough.  I have been stressed out beyond belief because of financial worries and how to handle them.  I made the best possible outcome for myself and my family, but that outcome comes with A LOT of change and a lot of hours during a transition period.  You add that onto being stressed out in general and trying to take care of The Boy 24/7 by myself (The Ex is out of town and has been quite a bit lately, so it's just been me), and you make a very stressed out Mommy.

Enter what could be classified as "The Sensitive Kid."  You bring The Boy into the picture and things change.  This particular boy is very sensitive.  Almost to a detriment.  So he literally feels what is going on with his Mommy.  And when Mommy gets stressed, so does The Boy.  And the way that he reacts to this situation is that he pulls away from the stressed out Mommy.  This creates an adverse effect where Mommy doesn't seem to understand why The Boy begins to literally hate her.  

Everyday when I would get home from work, he would greet me with anger.  He wouldn't want to see me.  He would almost be upset by my presense.    I have to say that it really began to hurt my feelings.  I mean I work my ass off all day long and the one thing I look forward to is seeing him at the end of the day.  It wasn't that way for the past couple of weeks.  He wanted nothing to do with me, and my little feelings got hurt and I pulled back away from him.  I had plenty of stuff to do anyway, so if he would rather be with his Gigi than me, then fine.  I was too busy to really notice.  (Insert horrific guilt feeling here later...).  

Then I began to notice how shitty I was actually feeling.  I felt like I was in a fight with a spouse or something.  Or someone whom I loved deeply.  I realized I felt like I was fighting with my son.  It was worse than any fight I had ever felt with The Ex.  I felt disconnected from my son.  I wasn't enjoying parenting.  I wasn't enjoying the time we were spending together.  It really was tearing me apart slowly.  But I didn't know how to break the cycle.  As usual my therapist helped me out.  I go to see her every other week, and even if we don't solve my issues in the one hour that I spent with her, I am able to come home and continue the process.  That is what happened here.  And it led me to kind of a "duh" moment where I realized that it was totally me.

My son was reacting to me.  I had essentially pulled away from him and he felt it.  And he was hurt by it.  I was unhappy and stressed out and he is so damn connected to me that he felt it personally.  And he didn't like it.  So he pulled away.  And I let it happen.  Instead of noticing the difference between us and fixing it, I just blamed him.  I blamed a two and a half year old.  But I see it now.  He needs ME.  Not stressed out me, but the me that plays with him on the floor and talks to him about all the different trains.  He needs the me that understands what he is feeling (because he maybe can't express it in words) and can take care of not only his physical needs, but his little soul as well.  And he needs me to know how very sensitive he is and how sometimes this cruel, real world is too much for him.  And he needs me to step up and help him through that.

I missed out on that for the past couple of weeks.   But I get it now.  I really have seen the light, for lack of a better term.  I spent this entire weekend making up for past times.  I was "there" every single minute with my boy this weekend.  And he felt it.  And he is fine.  And I am fine.  But damn, it was tough.  This parenting thing is hard.  And it comes with a lot of pressure.  But that little boy is worth it all.  I don't care how "sensitive" he is.  I will be the person I need to be to show him how to survive and live and love in this world.  After all, that is only one small part of my job with him.