Cause It's Just What New Mom's Do...

I have had two nights in a row where I have gotten three hours of sleep at a time.  I don't know about you, but I happen to think this is pretty fabulous given that I am living with a very small, projectile poop (first time was midnight last night, thanks), milk sucking machine.  Our "night time routine" goes like this...

Although I loathe the pump, I have been using it on average once a day (sometimes twice depending on how much my boobs feel like they are going to explode) and that gives me two to five ounces a day of "extra" breast milk.  So at the feeding that hits closest to 11:00pm or midnight, I feed the baby on both boobs, which usually requires waking her up in between each boob.  Then I also have my mom give her a "topper" with the bottle of between an ounce and an ounce and a half of breast milk.  Then I swaddle her up tight, put on her hat and put her in the bassinet.  For the past two nights, this has bought me about three hours of sleep from that point.  So I start the process about midnight, finish feeding/swaddling/preparing at around 1:00am and am able to lay down and sleep until about 4:00am.  We wake up at 4:o0ish and I repeat the process.  Feed on both boobs and give her a topper (I do this one--no need to torture my mother with middle of the night feedings) and then she gets swaddled again and goes back to sleep until about 8:00am.  I get back to bed around 5:00am and The Boy wakes up around 6:30.  So that gives me 3 good hours of sleep, and then about another hour and a half.

Like I said, I don't know about you, but 4 1/2 hours of sleep with a one week old baby is pretty good.  I also try and nap as many times during the day that I can.  I find that if I put the little pumpkin on my chest she will pretty much pass out every time.  So I lay her down on my chest and get a little snuggle time and we both get some sleep.  So overall, I am quite happy with our little routine right now.  Have I mentioned how sweet and cute and perfect she is?  Man, I could just suck in her little essence all day long, and pretty much do.

Today is her one week birthday.  We have our first official pediatrician appointment.  She went back on Saturday for a weight check but this is our first official appointment.  I can't believe it was just a week ago that we were checking into the hospital.  In fact, it is 9:46am right now and this time last week I was in the car driving to the hospital to check in for the scheduled c-section.  And now I am getting ready to take her to her doctors appointment.  Have I mentioned how much more I like her on the OUTSIDE of my body rather than the inside?  I am so thrilled to be at this end of the birth, I can't even explain it.  I am exponentially happier right now than I was this time last week.

Okay must get ready for our first appointment.  I will post on the "stats" when I get back.  In the meantime, because it's just what us new moms do, here are some pictures...

This is after her "first bath" where I just wiped her down with a warm wash cloth and washed her little hair.  She was basking in front of a portable heater and she and I were just looking at each other and talking to each other when my mother snapped this picture.  I just love it...

And here she is hanging out in big brother's room.  He was playing with his cars and he would just randomly run over to her and give her a kiss and a pat on the head and tell her he loved her (sniff, sniff...)  I finally managed to catch it on film...
And here is one of her favorite places to be.  In the middle of a comfy bean bag chair in her big brother's room, just soaking up the love...

Baby Brain Attacks!

Hi everyone!  I keep thinking about my blog and wanting to update it.  But then the overwhelming feeling comes over me of what to write about.  Of course I want to do the birth story, and also somehow capture these first few days of being home and the emotions that go along with it.  But I definitely have pregnancy brain and since I can't seem to put things down in the manner that I feel is competent I am just going to get a few things up here via bullet point and try to sort out the "good" stuff later.

• Breast feeding.  I never breast fed The Boy.  I pumped and he had exclusive breast milk for the first six months of his life.  I never felt slighted by this or disappointed in myself.  I wanted him to have the milk, but also let The Ex experience all the points of motherhood.  So I did it.  But I was tied to that damn pump and never able to be away from my house for long periods of time.  I wanted to give the actual breast feeding a shot this time.  I LOVE IT.  I am lucky that The Girl seems to have a good latch and we seemed to have fallen into a rhythm without a lot of the problems others experience.  I will go more in depth about this later.  When the doctor told me I needed to supplement her (she lost more than a pound after birth) and I hooked up the ole pump to get milk to supplement her, I was SHOCKED by my reaction.  I hated it.  I didn't want anything to do with it.  I never felt that way with The Boy.  But the first time I hooked those tubes up this time around I was overwhelmed at my negative reaction.  We ARE going to breast feed this time damnit.  The pump can and will be used for extras but overall we are just doing the boob to mouth thing.  And it is going great and I love it.
• My son is the sweetest big brother there is.  He holds her hands and kisses her and gives her hugs.  Today he wanted to "watch her" while I was getting dressed so I put her in her bouncy seat and put it in his room.  I walked by the room and peeked in.  The Boy was standing next to her watching his movie and playing with his cars.  Every 30 seconds or so he would stop what he was doing and lean down on kiss her on the cheek.  He stood next to her bouncy and took his finger and held her hand.  She sneezed and he leaned over and said "bless you sister" and hugged her.  I seriously burst into tears.  THIS is why I did this.  Those moments.  Those moments are why I lived through the last 9 months and made this happen.  Makes my heart burst.
• On an equally "heart bursting" but less pleasant topic, The Boy had a VERY hard time with me being gone at the hospital.  The first night he had to leave me he burst into tears and cried the entire way home screaming for his Mommy.  I was crying as he left, my mom was crying, and he LOST it.  So.Unbelievably.Sad.  But he got better as time went on.  My first night home from the hospital we were sitting having dinner and he was talking about his day.  He said, "Four days Mommy."  I asked him what that meant and he said, "Four days you in hospital.  And four days I cried.  You no go away again Mommy?"  And again, I lost it.  Right there at the dinner table.  Cried for like 5 minutes and couldn't make it stop.  After pregnancy hormones are worse than pregnancy hormones.
• Okay I would like to chat about more, but this pumping session is done (I am pumping once a day now to get "toppers" for her night time feedings) and I must go make The Boy lunch and get some food in my stomach as well.  I promise the good posts will come in the future.  But we are home, things are wonderful and my daughter is the sweetest thing alive and I am loving every single minute of this.  I definitely do motherhood better than I do pregnancy.
• And now...the money shot:  

Pictures!

The Girl had lost over a pound (which translated to more than 10% of her body weight) by the time we left the hospital.  Her pediatrician didn't so much like that so he told me to supplement her with either expressed breast milk or formula after every feeding.  So I have been a BUSY feeding Mommy.  And I'm pooped.  I got about an hour of sleep last night.  So a real post is coming soon...but in the meantime, here are some pictures to tide you over...

The Girl hanging out at home in her new bassinet...

The greatest and best big brother in the world (and perhaps the cutest latest picture of him of all...)

Mr. Big Brother SO excited to hold his big sister...I love the look on his face!

And finally...she already has a snarky look about her.  She's gonna be trouble!  :)

Here She Is!!!

She was born on Monday April 20th at 12:07pm. She was 7 pounds, 12 ounces and 18 inches long. She's a fatty but a shorty! I am recovering from my c-section well and she has been doing great. Not too easy to type right now with my c-section so I will leave you with a picture of her meeting The Boy and a shot of the star herself. I am beyond in love with BOTH my kids. They are perfect. It was all worth it...

The Girl has arrived!!!

Hello. This is cousin MO (aka Aunt Fancy) with a baby update. She arrived at 12:07pm this afternoon, weighing in at a healthy 7 lbs 12 oz and 18". Mommy and Baby are currently in recovery together and will be moved to a room later this afternoon. According to Gigi, she is just as cute as can be. I'm very much looking forward to meeting her later! 

Houston, We Are Cleared for Launch...

Okay I am off to the hospital...  I have taken The Boy to school and dropped him off.  I managed to hold it together until I got into the car where I cried a little bit, but other than that I am feeling pretty good.  Ready to meet my little daughter.  

This whole no eating and drinking thing before surgery SUCKS!!  I am so thirsty I might die and making a 9 month pregnant person go without food until almost noon is just cruel.  Just sayin'...

The surgery is scheduled for 11:30am so hopefully we will be close to on time.  I will be offline for a few days obviously, but my cousin is going to try and put a post up here to let you all know that the "deed is done" and give you some of the minor details.  If she can, she will post a picture.  I am not sure if I have internet service at the hospital, but if I do, I am going to try and get my step dad to bring me my laptop so that I can get some pictures onto it and give you all a proper post.

In the meantime, THANK YOU all for your kind emails and comments.  I can't tell you how much it meant to me going through this to read the little bits of encouragement and love.  I am a very lucky woman.  I will chat with you all after I am a mother of TWO!  Holy crap!

The End of the World As We Know It...

Ladies and Gentlemen...your final belly shot.  Taken Sunday April 19th at around 5:30pm...

This has been a surreal weekend.  It has been filled with special times with my boy, a lot of little odds and ends, and most of all a lot of emotion.  On Saturday night I spent the evening alone with my boy.  That hasn't happened in quite a while.  We had dinner together just the two of us, and then we played with our cars and read some books and just had an amazing evening.  I am so in love with that little boy.  When I put him to bed last night, all of a sudden I was just overcome with emotion.  I was singing him Sunshine and I completely lost it.  Barely made it through the song when the tears arrived.  I pulled it together long enough to get out of his room and then seriously lost it.  I cried for almost an hour.  Why was I crying?  I guess I am not quite sure.  I keep reminding myself that just because I am bringing another child into the house, no one is taking my current child.  It feels like these are the last times I will spend with just him and somehow they will be all lost.  I am trying to remember that I am adding to my family and not taking away from it, but for some reason it feels like my baby is leaving.

Pregnancy hormones are special, let me tell you.  I think this situation also feels more desperate because it has just been The Boy and me for so long.  He is three and a half years old and for all of that time, it has mostly been just the two of us.  The Ex moved out initially when he was 6 months old, and even though she moved back in for almost a year before the final move out, she has really never "engaged" as a parent.  It has been just the two of us for so long.  Mommy and Boy against the world...and tomorrow we add one more.  

My little boy is truly the most special little boy on the planet.  He is sweet and caring and SUCH a good boy who has been SO easy to raise.  I have been so lucky with him.  We have had our challenges, but they have never been behavioral, they have all been health related.  I honestly enjoy every single moment that I spend with this precious little soul.  And I know that I am due.  I am due for the devil child.  The Boy slept through the night at 8 weeks old, The Boy never got into anything so I never even had to "child proof;" I just told him no.  The Boy has had ONE actual tantrum in his entire three years and a total of 4 time outs.  He is a breeze.  And there is simply NO WAY that history is going to repeat itself.  I will love this little girl fiercely but I am pretty sure she is going to challenge me in ways that The Boy never has.  But I am ready to meet her.  I am ready to look into her little eyes and welcome her to our family.  Even if she is a royal pain in the ass, she will be OUR royal pain in the ass and I cannot wait to welcome her to our little family.

The Regression

My son has had some issues with speech delays.  My son has had several health-related issues growing up, and those continue to some extent.  BUT.  At this age (3 years and some months) he has settled into a "groove" where I do not waste a lot of energy worrying about his "problems" anymore.  Sure, the kid doesn't eat.  But apparently he eats enough to sustain himself.  He has no energy problems and although he is teeny tiny and doesn't gain weight, he seems to live a happy life filled with Pediasure and a small amount of real food.  So I don't spend too much time stressing out about it.

His speech delays have been there from the get go, but we had gotten to a place where he was "talking like crazy."  Sure, he still had a bunch of issues in terms of pronunciation, but he was talking in full sentences and the actual content of what was coming out of his mouth was very advanced and honestly, quite hysterical.  I didn't mind following him around on occasion and translating to the people who were meeting him for the first time.  Those that ran in his inner circle knew what he was saying and even those who didn't were able to make out most of what he was trying to get across.  He was singing songs and repeating very mature, adult phrases and generally just amusing me daily with the things that made their way from his brain out his mouth.  I was able to really enjoy my child.  I was telling anyone who would listen that "this is such a great age.  Three is just great..."  And none of that has changed.  Three IS great, and he is at a completely magnificent stage in life where honestly, I enjoy him every single minute of every single day.

BUT.

You knew there was a but, right?  Something has happened to his speech very recently.  It started about three weeks ago with him repeating the first word of the sentence he was saying.  An example, "You, you, you, you like spiders Mommy?"  Most of the time it was only while using the word "you" and then the rest would come out fine.  Then he started saying, "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, it bath time?"  So it happened a couple of times with other words as well.  But still the majority of his speech wasn't effected and I just assumed he was having a little brain hiccup or something.  Of course, my son gets speech therapy twice a week by two different therapists.  So we asked them (my mom takes him to one therapy and I take him to another).  The lady from the school district where my mom takes him said to ignore it and that it was probably coinciding with a language "explosion" and the words in his head were taking a bit longer to get out of his mouth and that it would resolve itself in a little while.  She analyzed him during her session and didn't see anything to be worried about.

I asked the private speech therapist about it when I saw her.  She told me that as long as he was getting stuck on the entire word, that was fine, but if he started getting stuck on the consonant instead of the whole word, then that was something to worry about.  Example:  "You, you, you, you like spiders" is fine.  "y-y-y-y-y-ou like spiders" is not.  Get it?  She also listened to him during her session and wasn't overly concerned.  I went home and analyzed every time he did it and deemed it to be the entire word that was making him stumble, so I stopped freaking out about it.

Then literally in the space of one week, everything changed.  He went from being a normal little chatty boy to someone who even I could not understand.  Now, I have always been able to understand him.  Always.  And now I can't.  His "stuttering" stopped focusing on just words and shifted into the consonants and not only that, but it started happening several times during a sentence (it used to just be at the beginning of the sentence).  In the span of one week it went from just a little blip to it sometimes taking him an entire minute to get his sentence out, and 4 out of 7 words in that sentence were being butchered to the point of being unrecognizable.  At Easter last weekend, almost everyone who encountered him asked me what was going on with his speech.  His cousin who is 5 asked me why he was talking like that.  She also asked him. [Insert Mommy's heart breaking at his face when he stuttered an answer to her that she couldn't understand...]  Even The Ex said "what's with the stuttering?" when she saw him last week (isn't she charming?)  If I am being totally honest, it has gotten really bad.

This week (from the 13th through the 17th) was his Spring Break at school.  My mom and I had both commented on the fact that we were glad he wasn't in school this week because for sure his little friends would be making fun of him if they heard him.  And then of course I would have to kill them, and then I would have to have my baby in prison...which isn't a pleasant outcome for anyone concerned...  But I digress...  Since it is Spring Break, he didn't have his speech therapy with the school district this week.  But we did have private therapy.  In order to not have this conversation with his therapist with him listening (he hears EVERYTHING and the last thing I want is for him to think I think he is less than perfect in any way...), I typed up a bullet pointed list of what was going on and what had changed in the last week and handed it to her when we walked in.  She read it immediately and sat down and instead of pulling out his word cards or something she asked him to tell her about a scene in his favorite movie.  (The goal was to get him to use conversational speech as opposed to one word isolated sounds like they usually work on).  He stuttered his way through a sentence and immediately she frowned and looked at me and I knew she "got it."  She said it was a HUGE difference from the week before.  I agreed, all teary eyed and we began to talk about how best to approach this.

Many things have changed in The Boy's world in the last couple of months.  And most of them make me feel horrifically guilty because they are a result of my pregnancy and bed rest.  But there are a TON more people in his house than there used to be.  Things are moving at a different pace.  His normal routines have been taken over by people besides me and while those people are magnificent, they tend to "play" more with him and make things into a game.  In doing this, they are essentially speeding up the process and making things move faster than they usually do.  Some examples:

Dinner Time

Whereas it used to just be The Boy and I eating at our table, it is now myself, The Boy, my mom, my step dad, and sometimes my cousin.  Everyone talks and has different conversations at one time.  The Boy likes to try and keep the center of attention on him but he has to move much quicker and talk much faster to "fit in" with the situation.  There is a whole hell of a lot more going on during dinner than there usually is.

Bedtime Routine

Pre-bed rest drama our bedtime routine went like this:  Around 7:30ish we would put on jammies, read a book, then watch "Fish" and have half a cup of Pediasure.  At 7:55pm we would go back into my bathroom and brush our teeth and then climb into bed.  He would take a book to bed with him, we would sing "Sunshine" once, big hugs and then Mommy out.  I haven't physically been able to do this anymore recently.  [Insert more Mommy guilt here...]  So lovingly, my mom has taken over.  She is a grandmother and is therefore allowed to not adhere to such strict protocols.  So the jammies happens sometime after dinner.  The milk and fish tend to stretch out a little longer while The Boy jumps on her and runs around crazy (he sits with me quietly on our big, comfy chair or else he doesn't get to watch. Purpose is to quiet him down).  The teeth brushing is more of a sing-song game that apparently involves putting toothpaste on the toothbrush several times throughout the process.  And the actual bedtime consists of him singing Sunshine to her once, she singing it to him a couple of times, and full on conversations on what is going to happen the next day.  Lot of hugs and "one more" kiss, and then "four more kisses" and well, it takes quite a while.

Let me insert that I truly have NO issue with this whatsoever.  My mother is ALLOWED to be a grandmother.  She has already done the parenting thing with me and my brother.  And I feel so often that she is forced into a parenting role with my child that I try very hard to allow her the "fun" of being a grandparent and NOT a parent.  So I sit on the couch and smile and just say to her, "Damn, that process sure does take a lot longer when YOU do it..." but I am not angry about that.  I am blessed that she is around to give him that when I [sob] can't.

I could give more examples, but this post is already FAR too long.  But the moral of the story is that things have changed in The Boy's routines and his life.  His Mommy is pregnant and on bed rest.  He has a TON more people "living" in his house than he used to.  Things are different and more fun and move faster.  Plus there is stress.  Is Mommy going to have the baby TODAY?  Did we pass or fail tests?  Did we get cleared by the doctor?  Please don't jump on Mommy honey, you can't jump on her tummy.  Mommy needs to rest...  He hears ALL of these things.  Oh, and we took away his Binky.  There have been a lot of changes.  And my heart breaks because even though he is as happy as ever, life around him is clearly affecting him.

I have no way to tie up the end of this post.  The situation isn't fixed.  It is as bad as ever.  And I am checking into the hospital and away from him in 2 days.  Our speech therapist gave us some techniques to try and ways to cope and deal (don't worry, I won't make this post any longer by talking about them) and we are "on it."  If I need to move him up to private therapy twice a week to try and "nip this in the bud," then I will.  Financially it will kill me, but I will do it if he needs it.  But what I think he needs is for our life to get back to some sort of routine.  This chaos is making it worse.  And I would love to say that is going to happen very, very soon.  But I am going to have a baby in two days.  Realistically it will be at least a month before we get into any sort of consistent routine.  I just hope that The Boy won't be too negatively affected by the events that are coming.  

One last thing to add.  I want it known that The Boy does not seem at all unhappy.  He seems thrilled by all the extra people who are here to play with him.  He loves all the extra attention he is getting.  He is thrilled by the idea of his sister and that he gets to meet her in a couple of days.  He is happier and healthier than I have seen him in a long time.  He is having a blast.  The only place that I see any of this affecting him is in his speech.  Other than that, he thinks life is just grand right now.

Friday Check In Post

I had my doctors appointment yesterday, but since I usually update on Fridays I figured I would do it today.  Amazingly there is nothing to report.  My blood pressure was high and took them 3 times of taking it before it was low enough that they would let me go, but other than that, nothing to report.  My appointment was at 1:30pm, which is apparently when Miss Thang is quite active because she passed her NST in about 9 minutes.  Of course they left me hooked up for almost an hour.  I swear they forget about you in there.

It was my LAST appointment.  So strange.  I have been going twice a week for the past 8 weeks plus all the "normal" appointments before that.  And now it just stops.  Done.  Don't need to see you anymore.  Peace Out.  So weird.  My favorite nurse hasn't been there since the day I had my breakdown, so I didn't get to say goodbye to her, and they had a couple of new people working so I didn't really even see anyone that I usually see except my doctor.  She was very sweet and congratulated me on getting as far as I have and told me she would see me Monday.  Did I mention this seems weird?

I honestly NEVER in a million years thought I would make it this far.  Really I didn't.  My BP was sky high at 29 weeks and they put me on bed rest at that visit.  I will be one day shy of 38 weeks when I go on for my c-section on Monday.  That is like full, full term.  Like almost normal.  I am not going to lie and say that they last 2 months have "flown by" or that they were wonderful or anything.  If I'm being honest, the last 2 months of my life have been two of the hardest months of my life.  Not only physically, but emotionally as well.  This has been TOUGH.  Some of the stuff I have blogged about, but there was also the big "unbloggable event" that shook me to the core.  I have tried my best to get through it with the most amount of dignity that I could, but there have been times where it almost took me.  I am not going to look back at those times right now, but instead look forward to Monday.  And in the meantime give myself a little pat on the back for making it this far.  I earned this little girl, damnit.  From the moment that I put it out there that I was looking for a new known donor to have a second child, through doing the inseminations at home BY MYSELF, to the morning sickness and the second guessing and the final months of bed rest hell...I worked hard to bring her here.  And when the little tramp looks at me with her 13-year-old smart mouth and says, "I don't know why you even had me!  I hate my life!" I will smile softly...and then kill her.

Today I spent the day in the sunshine with my boy (screw bed rest!  3 days people...).  We ate lunch with my mom and my grandmother and he played in the fountain and layed on the grass and rolled around and life felt almost normal.  And then we left and I went to rent my breast pump and get some final items and now we are home.  And he is peacefully sleeping and there is a little foot in my rib cage that is wiggling its toes.  And a little hand that seems to feel the need to punch me in the bladder every 4 minutes.  And in three short days she will be here.  I will get to look into the eyes of the little girl who has gone on this journey with me.  And we will begin all of the journeys to come.  Together...the three of us.  My little family.

Onward We Go...

Just a quick post to update from today's doctor appointment.  I was fine.  I am the picture of health.  :)  My blood pressure was actually down and the nurse said, "You must have had a good weekend..."  Well if ignoring doctors orders and bed rest equals a good weekend in your book, then yes, I did...  

We got hooked up to the NST machine and waited.  And waited.  And waited some more.  I swear they forgot about me beating away in that room.  When someone did finally come in to check on me she said, "So the word on the street is that you're done with this pregnancy."  Great.  I am so glad that my cheery disposition has leaked its way into the entire staff.  Mental note: Must stop being such a bitch.  But I digress...  Then she followed that up with, "Well your baby isn't doing much of anything..."  Aka, she appears to be failing the test at this time.  So here, drink some water and we'll just leave you hooked up to these machines where you can't move for ANOTHER HOUR.

I swear my hips and right leg were completely asleep, as were my arms.  Everything hurt.  And what happens when a 9 month pregnant person drinks water?  Right.  Pee.  So I am half asleep, needing to pee, and laying there mentally wondering how long I would have to lay there before they realized that I had perished in their exam room.  Finally they came back, declared that the baby had passed, and I was free to go.  It was also noted that "I appear to be having rather consistent, somewhat severe contractions."  Really?!?!?  I hadn't noticed...  They also said that her heart rate was going down a little during contractions so that was something to watch, but the moral of the story is that I was set free.

I have one more appointment on Thursday and that is it.  It seems so weird to be this near the end.  I mean, after Thursday I am not going to go back to their office until 6 weeks after the baby is born.  Seems so odd.  I will miss my favorite nurse.  I see her twice a week now.  We have a standing date.  Who is going to be my new date?  Apparently my newborn child?  Huh.  But I can see the finish line.  Five more days until her birthday.  Can't really wrap my head around it.

Random fact:  The Boy was due on the 20th and I had him on the 5th.  The girl is due on the 5th and I am having her on the 20th.  Just thought about that in the shower this morning.

37 weeks today, people.  I can't believe I have made it this far.

The Distraction of Easter

Easter turned into a lovely distraction this year.  I was not expecting it, I have to be honest.  I am so cranky and evil right now that I didn't think there was much that was capable of bringing a genuine smile to my face.  But Easter did.  More specifically, Easter with my precious little dude.  I think three has got to be one of the greatest ages to enjoy a holiday like this.  We started talking about the Easter Bunny coming to our house just a few days before the holiday.  Then I told him that his "MO" (my cousin, whom he adores) was going to take him to Nanny's house (my 92 year old grandmother who still hosts this event).  Well the prospect of going to Nanny's to hunt eggs with all of his cousins and also get to hang out with his MO was more than he could handle.  Too excited.  So he was pretty stoked for the day.

He woke up at 5:40 in the morning and when I went in to get him he said to me, "We go to Nanny's now?"  I informed him that most reasonable people on the planet were still asleep and that, NO, we aren't going to Nanny's right now.  He joined me in my bed for his milk and when I asked him if he wanted to go and see if the Easter Bunny came to his house he told me, "No tank tu.  It too early.  I check yater."  Good call, kid...good call.  So at about 7:40am he came back into my room and I asked him again.  At this point he was all for it.  He ran out into the living room and came back shrieking, "An egg!!  An egg!!  I finda a egg Mommy!"  He nearly lost his shit when he saw he had an ENTIRE basket that was all for him in addition to the extremely fun eggs.  Watching him hunt for eggs and check out their contents with such enthusiasm really made me smile from the inside out.  I am rarely sappy and cheesy, but really, this is why I had kids.  This joy.  The pure fascination and laughter from something as simple as finding 18 plastic eggs.  Watching him do this really just made me melt.  And it made me rub my belly in anticipation of years ahead when he and his sister perform this action together.  And don't think I'm exaggerating when I tell you I haven't rubbed my belly in anticipation in quite a few weeks.  Sometimes you need something simple like this to remind yourself why you make the decisions you do.  This was one of those times.

I was so giddy that I decided that I was going to ignore doctors orders (to hell with bed rest) and I was going to go to my Nanny's house with my cousin and my boy.  I didn't want to miss the "big egg hunt" that was going to go down there.  Plus, the weather was beautiful and honestly, I REALLY needed to get the hell out of my house for a few hours.  So I took a shower and did my hair and I went to the Easter celebration.  And watching my boy play with his cousins and hunt for those eggs was worth it all.  Behold the precious boy showing off his prizes.

He hunted and he played and I sat out in the real world, with real other people (as opposed to the ones in my head that I talk to when at home on bed rest) and I almost felt like a normal human being.  For one afternoon, it wasn't about me, or the baby, or when she was coming, or the contractions, or how shitty I feel...  It wasn't about ME at all.  And it was bliss.  I was just a normal participant at a party for Easter.  And watching my boy eat strawberries in the sunshine?  Well...just take a look at that face and tell me it doesn't melt your heart:
And just in case this post seems like the day was too idyllic to be true, let me show you a picture of my child once we got home from all of the festivities and after he had his nap.  And let me label this picture exhibit A: What happens when your child that normally doesn't eat sugar has a day filled with Easter candy.  He starts to DIVE, literally, from the ottoman to the chair thinking he is flying.  And really, he basically IS flying.  And a 9 month pregnant Mommy that went out of the house when she isn't supposed to really doesn't have the energy to try and curtail such activities...
Thank you for all the fun, my boy.  We have just one week left of it being just the two of us, and days like yesterday remind me why I will miss that.  But at the same time they also tell me how much more enriched they will be for YOU when you get to share a day like that with your future sister.

And on a different note, today began a full week of no school for The Boy because of his Spring Break.  How in the HELL am I supposed to live through this?  Seriously!  It wouldn't be that bad if I weren't on bed rest because we could go to the zoo, or the Children's Discovery Museum, or the beach, or hell...even a park.  But when Mommy is supposed to be on bed rest, what in the hell is she supposed to do with her child?  Because honestly, by 9:20am this morning (which is MONDAY, by the way), I was out of ideas.  It is going to be a LONG week...

Probably The Final Shot...

I wanted to title this post "What Miserable Looks Like," but I am trying to be more positive so I opted for the other title.  This is me today.  36 weeks, 3 days pregnant.  If I make it to my scheduled c-section (which it looks like I will), I will be 37 weeks 6 days when I deliver my little girl.  To sum up the belly shots, I had my mom measure my waist today to see how I compared to when I had The Boy.  The night we left for the hospital with The Boy my waist measured in at 44 inches.  Tonight my waist measured 45 inches.  So pretty close.  But considering we are a little over a week ahead of last time, it has the potential to get bigger.  I haven't talked much about weight gain during pregnancy on here because fortunately it isn't a big issue for me.  I am not someone who subscribes to the "eating for two" analogy.  I am lucky enough to not get horrific cravings and therefore during my previous pregnancy and this one, I actually eat a lot healthier during pregnancy than I do when I am not knocked up.  Not to mention that under normal circumstances I get a lot of my calories from wine (boy do I miss my wine...sigh...), and obviously that isn't happening during my pregnancies.  So with The Boy I actually ended up weighing about 15 pounds LESS after I had the baby than I did before I got pregnant.  I was quite a bit chunkier going into the pregnancy with The Boy so I had more to lose, but it wouldn't surprise me if after having The Girl, I end up a little less than I started.  To date I have gained 21 pounds with The Girl.  Not too shabby.  So 21 pounds and a 45" waist.  People who know me well point out that I am all belly.  That is how I feel.  Like a big, fat, baby holder.  Only 10 more days to go...only 10 more days to go...

In other news, my boy is still growing up.  No, I didn't expect this to stop, but it seems like since he turned three things have just been changing so much, so fast.  He is such a little person all of a sudden.  His speech is insane (although we are still having major issues with pronunciation, the maturity of the phrases he is attempting are hysterical) and he cracks me up on a daily basis.  

Today when we were in speech therapy I got totally NAILED by his speech therapist.  The Boy has a bit of a lisp so one of the things we work on every week is saying our "S" sounds while making sure that his teeth are closed shut so that his tongue can't come out to form the lisp.  Today his therapist casually mentions to me, "He doesn't use a pacifier, does he?"  She says this like, I am SURE he doesn't because you are usually such the model parent and there is no way you could be making the STUPID decision to allow that to still be going on...  Or at least that is what I felt like.  Because, yes, I haven't made him give up the Binky yet.  I wanted to let him keep it up until the transition into the Big Boy bed so that he would still have his comfort item to help him go to sleep.  Well, he has officially transitioned into the Big Boy bed and I haven't made him give it up.  How come?  I don't know really.  Hadn't really thought about it.  Perhaps my brain is elsewhere...  But she called me out on it.  Now I told her, and I feel I should defend myself here as well with the fact that he ONLY has his Binky in his bed when he falls asleep.  He isn't one of those kids that walks around with it.  It stays in his bed.  Period.  And when he goes down to bed he puts it on his pillow while he farts around in bed and only sticks it in his mouth when he is about to fall asleep.  Then once he is asleep, when I go in to check on him before I go to bed, I take it.  So he literally uses it maybe 20 minutes a day.

Time to put an end to it.  I talked to my mom about it tonight and wondered if RIGHT before a new baby comes home is really the best time to take it away...  But really it is all just excuses.  I can always come up with a reason as to why I can put things off.  I thought that maybe next week before the baby comes would be good.  And then, when I was brushing his teeth I wondered why I am setting some random date in the future to make it happen.  I looked at him and I said, "[Boy], when we went to see S (speech therapist) today, she told me that it is time for you to stop using your Binky to go to sleep."

"Why Mommy?"

"Because it is bad for your teeth and it is making it harder for you to talk.  It isn't good for the sounds we work on with her.  You know how we have to practice with putting your teeth together and making our sounds without our tongue coming out?"

Boy nods head in understanding...

"Well part of the reason that is hard for you is because of using your Binky.  So we aren't going to use it anymore, okay?  Plus, you are a BIG boy now and really, Binky's are just for babies."

"Binky's for baby [Girl]?  Not for me?"

"No.  You don't need it.  You're a big boy.  But tonight, since it is the first night, you can take one of your cars to bed with you along with your Lambie.  But no Binky tonight."

"You not gonna take da Lambie Mommy, right?"

"Right.  I will never take your Lambie from you.  Ever.  And tonight, since it is the first night without your Binky you can take one of your special cars to bed with you."

"Hooray!"

And I put him to bed for the first time without his Binky.  He seems to understand.  He is in there right now laying down quietly but he hasn't actually fallen asleep yet.  He might start to get upset right as he is about to fall asleep, but then again he might not.  He is a big boy and he understands things.  I think he might actually get it.  And he might actually go to sleep for the very first time in his whole little life tonight without his Binky.  He is SUCH an amazing kid my Boy.  I love that little dude more than I could ever express.  And all of this growing up stuff is just too much for my pregnancy hormones...

Sometimes You Just Have To Let It Out

So I feel badly about my previous post and considered removing it but...it captures some very real emotions and when I look back on this time I want to remember the tough times as well as the good times.  So it will stay.  BUT I will clarify that I feel better now.

I came home from my appointment and I cried.  I felt sorry for myself and allowed myself the disbelief of "Oh my god, I simply can't do this anymore..." and I sat around and let it all come flooding out.  And I needed to do that.  I was by myself in my house and I was allowed to not put on a brave face for all of those around me and I was able to just be by myself and let it all fly.  Since there are people around me pretty much 24/7 right now I don't have a lot of time to do that.  Intellectually I understand that obviously the longer this baby cooks, the better.  So I don't really feel like I am allowed to admit that I am totally and completely DONE with this pregnancy.  It isn't politically correct to say that out loud.  Because it isn't what's best for the baby.  And really, since this whole bed rest thing hit me at 29 weeks, it has become as if I don't matter in the slightest anymore, it is all about what's best for the baby.  And of course it is.  I am a mother.  That is my job.  And right now my job is to do whatever it takes to get this baby here as healthy as possible.  And that means completely ignoring how very hard this has been, both physically and emotionally, on ME and just focusing on what's best for the baby.

But when I am in my bed at night, and when I manage to steal a few moments alone in my own world, I sometimes allow myself the briefest of moments where I think about myself and how hard this has been.  I had to quit my job and stop my income.  I had to basically give over all aspects of my life (running my household, taking care of my son, running my business, being a functioning member of society) to other people.  I basically had to revert to being a 14 year old kid who lives off of their Mommy and who needs permission to do anything besides turning on the television.  Add in some of the emotional stresses that have happened in the last month and it is not surprising that I have moments of meltdown.  Today was one of those days.

But once I give myself permission to give into it and just feel the crappiness, it somehow gets better.  Once I have cried all the tears that are left in my eyes and lamented over how hard this is until I can't say or feel the words anymore, it gives way.  It lessens its hold over me.  And once that happens I am able to see through the clouds again.  And the good points of what is going on begins to show itself again.  And I somehow feel like I can breath again.

Of course it goes without saying that a healthy verdict from my doctor for both myself and my child is good news.  So that is part of the silver lining.  And really...it is just about 2 weeks from now that NO MATTER WHAT, this pregnancy will be over and I will be stepping into the next phase of motherhood to a newborn.  That really isn't that far away.  Three hours ago that felt like an eternity, but now, it is simply two weeks.  I can do two weeks.

And the best thing that I realized?  I get two more weeks with my boy.  Two more weeks (one of which he is off of school for spring break) to enjoy just being me and him.  Two more weeks before someone else comes in and he forever has to share his Mommy with his sister.  Two more weeks of him being the most special and important person in my life.  I get to dote on him.  I get to soak him in.  I am home and not working and able to spend every single moment with that precious little boy and let him know and feel how very special and amazing he is.  Back when we were in Hawaii in January I blogged often about how that time was probably going to be the last time that I got to spend just with him, with no distractions of work and baby prep and issues, and now I have been given that time again.  He is home all next week on Spring Break.  And it really is a blessing to not be in the hospital having a baby, or just home from the hospital with a newborn during that time.  I am damned lucky for that and instead of crying about how hard this is for me to swallow, I will look into that face.  That perfect face that is at the top of this post and I will be thankful.  Not only for being given the chance to bring a healthy baby girl into the world, but for the chance to enjoy the amazing boy that I already have. 

Quick Update

This will be quick.  My appointment today was very boring.  Nothing to report.  No changes.  Blood pressure was the same and the baby passed her non stress test.  I am still contracting like crazy, but they aren't concerned about it right now.  Rinse and repeat.  I go back on Friday to see if anything has changed.

It's so ironic that I fought so hard to get to this point (I am 36 weeks today) and now all I want is for this to be over.  I completely understand that having a healthy baby is the priority and therefore it is best to keep her "cooking" as long as possible.  But I am miserable.  Seriously miserable.  I have a cold, I am having totally uncomfortable (but apparently unproductive) contractions like every 5 minutes that make me feel like I am having the worst period of my life, the baby is sitting so low that I can't even pee without feeling like I am bending her head in half and that happens every 45 minutes when I have to pee.  I can't take a deep breath.  Every single bone in my body aches and I feel like I am going to pass out if I stand up for more than 5 minutes, but sitting down is horribly uncomfortable as well.  Completely and totally miserable.  And so unbelievably DONE with being pregnant.  But I get it.  If there isn't a medical reason to deliver this baby then she shouldn't be delivered.  And I understand that.  And I will suffer through this as long as I have to because I want a healthy baby.  But I am cranky and tired and haven't slept and just want to not feel this way anymore.  And I have almost a full two weeks left.  Because OF COURSE I am going to make it to my scheduled c-section.  Because frankly the thought of two more weeks of this makes me cry.  Seriously.  So now I am off to cry.

Will muster up some cheerfulness soon...I swear...  Sorry to you all for being such a downer.

Because...Of Course!!

As if there weren't enough things going on in this household, everyone now has "The Bad Germs" as my son refers to them.  My mom started it with a sore throat and feeling yucky and as of this morning she is fully sick.  Just down right can't breathe, coughing constantly and feeling horrific.  Then this entire weekend The Boy has felt a little warm, hasn't had much of an appetite (which for him basically means he stops eating all together) and has been a little clingy.  When I heard the sneezes starting last night (he sneezed about 10 times in an hour), I knew what was coming.  All night long I heard the little sneezes and coughs from his bed, but God bless him, he didn't wake up or call out to me.  The first thing I heard from him this morning was at 5:45am when the bastard cat was howling to be let out.  I hear over the monitor in a small voice, "Regis, dop it!"  And then about 5 minutes later he called out to me to go and get him (he still doesn't climb out of his big boy bed by himself; he calls me when he's ready to get out) and proceeded to confirm to me that he does, in fact, have "The Bad Germs."

So all morning long we have been dealing with the green snotty sneezes from hell and the coughing and the general lamenting about how utterly sick he is.  In fact, while typing this he just came out and turned his face up at me so I could see inside his nose and proceeded to inform me that he had "boogies" and needed me to deal with them.  I got the old diaper rag out and made him blow and off he went back into his little cave of a room to finish watching Bolt (which for some reason is his newest obsession).

And me?  The person who is due to give birth by surgery of course?  I have the sore throat and my nose is starting to snot up.  Which means that this cold should probably be hitting me full force right around the time that my doctors say that it is time to head to hospital to try and birth this baby.  Because, OF COURSE!!  

On a happier note (since I seem to be incapable of posting pleasant things these days, and I sincerely apologize for that...) my contractions seem to be responding well to the medication so while they are still here and are adding to the uncomfortable-ness that is my pregnancy overall, it doesn't seem that they are going to send me to the hospital for it anytime soon.  I think I might just very well be pregnant forever.  And on that note, I wish you all a wonderful Sunday!

Still Cooking...

I am here with my normal Friday update.  My doctors appointment had mixed news again today.  Most of it is good as you can tell by the fact that I am not writing this update from the hospital.  My blood pressure was the same as it was on Tuesday (right around the 140/90 area), which isn't good, but since it is the same as it was on Tuesday it is considered stable.  So we "passed" in that area for today.

The baby passed her NST pretty easily today.  I think this is the first time I haven't heard the words "pass" along with "by the skin of her teeth" together in all of her tests.  So that is another good thing. 

The only not-so-good thing is my contractions.  Both my nurse and my doctor made a joke about how the baby probably passed her test so easily because my damn contractions aren't letting her get her beauty sleep (as she usually does during the NST's).  Obviously I am aware of them.  They have gotten considerably worse since Saturday of last weekend and last night they woke me out of a sound sleep at least 5 times.  They have only gotten to the point where I would characterize them as "hurting" within the last 24 hours or so.  But when I was hooked up to the NST machine it was very apparent that I was having pretty strong contractions about every 4 minutes or so.  They asked me if I could feel them (yes, I could) but I wasn't having to "breathe through them" yet so I guess that is a good thing.  My doctor prescribed a medicine (I haven't picked it up yet from the pharmacy so I don't know the name off the top of my head) to make them stop.  I am to take it every 6 hours when I am feeling contractions but don't have to take it if I am not feeling anything.  Hopefully that will keep my body from going into labor on its own, although neither my nurse nor my doctor looked overly convinced of that.  I am also basically supposed to be flat on my back doing nothing but drinking fluids.

Have I mentioned lately how much fun this entire process has been?  Good lord...

I have to say that the one scenario that I simply did not even assume was a possibility was the concept that my body would actually go into labor on its own.  What the hell?  I am going to be SO pissed if I end up in labor.  I know I am getting the c-section and obviously if I end up in the hospital they won't make me suffer through labor, but man.  If I am having contractions that hurt enough to make me take my ass to the hospital I am going to be so pissed.  Or if my water breaks on its own?  Gross!  These are things that I had not even planned for considering that even if by some fluke of imagination I made it to my 38 week scheduled c-section, my body should most certainly NOT go into labor on its own before that.  How very rude.

For some reason, even though today's appointment went relatively well, I have lost my cherub-like demeanor.  I am cranky and tired and nervous and just on edge.  Everything and everyone is irritating me and I am so beyond done with physically feeling like shit.  You add these lovely contractions to my extreme exhaustion, my "laser light shows" that I see every 15 minutes, my lack of sleep, my nausea, my heart burn, my head aches and basically overall feeling like I have a horrible case of the flu and, well...I guess you get a very cranky person.  I want everyone to go away and leave me the hell alone and I want to crawl up in a little ball and just cry for a while.  But I can't.  Right now I am going to put my precious little boy down for his nap and I am going to lay my own ass down and hope that when I get up again I will have a better view/attitude with this entire thing.  Cause right now?  I am just plain done with this shit.