Getting Better

Sorry that my last post was such a downer. I considered taking it down several times but have decided to leave it up there because it is an accurate depiction of what is going on in my life right now. But man, it is hard to put your troubles up for the entire world to see. It is hard enough looking at them by yourself but allowing other people to see into the truth of the matter? Tough. But like I have always said, this blog is about my truth. And my truth isn't all about how damn cute my children are.

That being said...I am feeling a little bit better. The hardest day of the month for me is always the first of the month when I have to pay my mortgage. I freak out and realize that I am not going to make it, cry and scream and yell, and then (for the last few months) borrow money from my parents to make it for another month and then slowly collect myself. What I am doing different this month is that rather than taking their money and putting my head back in the sand for another month (because I am on bed rest and can't worry about it right now...or because I am home with my new baby and I have to focus on that damnit...or because it just isn't fair...blah, blah, blah) is that I am making a plan. I actually printed out my profit and loss for the past few months and made a spreadsheet of exactly what it would cost for me to stay in this house if I cut out all the fun extras (and by fun extras I mean my cleaning lady and my HBO and Showtime, oh and my son's speech therapy...). Then I divided that number by my hourly wage to see how many hours I would have to bill in order to come up with that number. It is doable. Not fun...but doable. So right now I am making sure that I am billing 8 hours a day and am also actively looking for new clients. If I can stay this course then I should be okay. So that is where I stand as of today.

In other news, my baby is in daycare!!! How sad am I? Poor little Peanut. Although she loves it. She is a hit. And apparently a very well behaved baby. The pump and I are getting along okay for the time being, but I am not thrilled with it. But the alternative is unacceptable. Right now she is eating about 8 ounces a day while she is at daycare and I am pumping about 10 ounces while she is gone. So we are still good on the supply. Of course this is just the first week so we will have to see how that goes. Plus, I am only sending her to daycare three days a week (she is home with me on Wednesdays and Fridays) so hopefully her actually eating from my breast on the other 4 days a week will help to keep the supply up.

I noticed how much I missed her this week so far. With an older one at home who is a lot more demanding it is easy to go most of the day without even interacting with her at all. This makes me horribly sad. In fact both Monday and Tuesday nights I found myself putting her to sleep in her crib during the night because I know it means she will be up every three hours. I missed her. I actually didn't want her to sleep for 8 hours (like she will if I put her in the swing). So since I can't nurse her during the day, or really spend any quality time with her during the day I am trying to make up for it at night. Really this just serves to make me exhausted since she doesn't even wake up in the middle of the night. She just screams until a boob is put into her mouth and she sucks until she feels full, then pulls off and resumes sleeping. But hey, it is "quality" time with mah baybee...

We are slowly getting into the groove over here. We are finally trying to return to a sense of what normal used to look like. Both kids in daycare, Mommy working full time and being able to pay the bills. I will be thrilled when we finally find a routine that works for us. Right now we are still messing with it trying to come up with what works best. But at the end of the day I now have two beautiful children to come home to and that is more than I could have ever wished for. So even though things are stressful, they really couldn't get much better.