Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Mixed Emotions

There are so many things going on these days inside of my head but trying to find a decent amount of time to sit down at my blog and sort them out is proving to be quite difficult. It makes me feel better to write about things; sort of purge them from my thoughts if you will, and not doing it is making me feel all pent up. But when I finally sit down to write I just end up with little bullet points somehow trying to get it all out.

Everything with me lately seems to result in mixed emotions. Seems even my brain can't commit to feeling one way or another about life. That happens with things on the surface like the fact that it is Spring Break for The Girl this week. One the one hand I am thrilled to have an entire week where she is home with me and I get to spend some one on one time with her. On the other hand...have you ever tried to actually earn a living while simultaneously taking care of an almost one year old? Yeah, I don't recommend it. So I am trying to just give in to the fact that I am going to make crap for money this week and I should just relax and enjoy the time with my daughter. I am kind of succeeding. But only kind of. See it's tax crunch time for most of my clients (I am a bookkeeper) and this time of year I get LOTS of phone calls and emails with desperate questions that need answers right now because their taxes are due this week. So trying to handle the shit storm of craziness while simultaneously singing Kumbaya with my precious daughter rocking on my lap isn't going so well. The stress of it all makes me feel like a bad bookkeeper and a bad mother. Boo.

Also I very nonchalantly mentioned that my daughter is about to turn one. ONE. As in a whole year old. As in totally a toddler, not even close to being a baby anymore. How do I feel about this? You guessed it. Mixed god damned emotions. What an amazing little girl this daughter of mine is growing up to be. She is smart and funny and determined and a little bit crazy and sweet and head strong and everything her brother isn't. And I am absolutely loving watching her take this world by storm. Most days I sit and just laugh at her. Because seriously...she's freaking funny. We have a saying about the children in our family, "They ain't right." Now before you call CPS on me...we say it with all the love in the world, but seriously, my children are strange. In a funny way. My daughter does this thing where she rocks her head back and forth, to the left then to the right, kind of like an awkward head banging activity when she is having a good time. She will look at me, give me a big ole goofy grin and rock back and forth and then throw her head back and plop down on her back with a laugh. If you didn't know her you might worry she wasn't all there, you know? But I digress... The point is she's funny. And she gets funnier everyday. How could I want to stall the progress of her growth even a little? But then...she's my baaaybeeeee people. And my last baby. Gone are the days of sitting with me and rocking in the rocking chair; she's far too busy for that now. Gone are the days of laying on my lap and nursing; she still nurses but she is twisting her little self all around and throwing her butt in the air trying to make sure she doesn't miss anything. Gone are the cute little clothes; they are replaced with actual shoes and peasant blouses and hair styles. See? Mixed emotions.

Speaking of breast feeding...how do I feel about that? Totally mixed emotions. On the one hand I CANNOT wait to be done pumping. Seriously. Can't wait. But when I am done pumping that means that my milk during the day will most likely dry up. I am in no huge hurry to stop breast feeding her in the morning and at night but I would like to stop during the day. She really doesn't need it and I really need to get back to work without having to stop by my house to pump twice a day. But once the daytime feedings stop how long is it really before it all stops? And I used to never think I would be one of those women who breast feed past a year (no judgement on those who make that choice, I just never thought that would be my choice), but here I am on the precipice of a year and my gut is screaming "NO!!!" "Don't stop!!" On the one hand, I would like to get my body back, but on the other hand...again...my baaaaybeeee...

See? Everything is a dichotomy of choices. Everything has two sides. If I were a more balanced human being I could live with that and realize that the happy point lies somewhere between those two points. I am a smart enough human to realize that but am I an advanced enough human to actually live that? I think not.

If you made it through this craziness of rambling brain thoughts I reward you with some Spring time pictures of the kids enjoying their back yard this weekend. The Girl realized she is a BIG fan of the swing. (Oh and that is my mother with the diamonds...you should see the one on her LEFT hand. She's a big fan of jewels. Apparently it skips a generation...)
And those of you who know me should realize how HUGE it is that The Boy is going down the slide like this. We have had this backyard play set for like 3 years and the first two he wouldn't even consider going down the slide. Last year he would go down it but only with someone holding onto his hands at the same time. And this year? Progress. Big progress...

1 comment:

Calliope said...

cuuuuuuuuuute!!

and the baby turning one sadness? yes. it happens for us in less than a week and I am shocked how sad I am.

(& I totally owe you an e-mail!)