...the sex of my unborn child that is. What? You thought I meant something else? I wish. There are probably not a lot of people around who are 18 weeks pregnant and who can say they haven't had sex in almost a year. I am so proud... Anyway, I digress...
Obviously one of the most common questions when pregnant is about the sex of your baby. "Are you going to find out?" (YES!!!), "Do you have a preference?" (Well...that one isn't as easy). I wrote a long time ago about how I felt about having another boy versus a girl and apparently I wasn't very clear. In fact, apparently I sounded like an asshole. I have friends who have girls and I guess I sounded very ANTI girl. That totally wasn't my intention. In fact, I will throw this out there right now: If I could choose the sex of my child, I would choose a girl. So clearly, I am not ANTI girl. Let me try and explain.
I am not now, nor have ever been, a "girly girl." I hate shopping, I dress completely for comfort and usually rely of the people around me to make sure I don't look like someone who has bought her entire wardrobe at K Mart (no offense meant). In fact I recently told one of my friends that I end up shopping at expensive places and spending large amounts of money simply because I am not good it. I cannot rifle through racks upon racks of clothing to find that one "diamond in the rough" that I just know will look perfect with those jeans I have at home. Nope, can't do it. I need a pretty little mannequin dressed up in front of me with an outfit that I think, "Huh. I like that" to make me buy something. I then purchase exactly what said mannequin is wearing and will wear that outfit and that outfit only. No mixing and matching. I have no idea how to do it and frankly I don't really have the desire to learn.
I also have no clue about hair and makeup. My Aunt once taught me how to apply eyeshadow a LONG time ago and that is the same eyeshadow I still use and I still apply it in the same manner (that is when I actually wear eyeshadow, which is rare). I don't vary on the color and wouldn't know what to do with a new brand or type if you gave it to me. I get my hair done by a fabulous gay boyfriend that makes ALL the decisions. If he feels it is time to go darker, I go darker. If he feels it is time for a cut, then it gets cut. I leave all the decisions up to him and trust that he will make sure I won't look like an ass. He knows that I can basically blow dry my hair (while using my hands as a comb; that whole brush thing to actually style it is out of the question), and that after that I can manage a flat iron. Other than that, I can't do it, so don't give me a style that needs to be "done" everyday. Again, I could probably take the time to learn, but really, just don't care.
So when I say that raising a little girl scares me, this is why. I know that my luck would give me the most "girly girl" in the entire planet. She would want her fingernails painted. She would want her hair done. There would be some sort of glitter involved. And dear God, I am sure if would have something to do with "princesses." This, quite literally, SCARES.THE.SHIT.OUT.OF.ME. Now if you have read my blog at all you know that I love my children with a fierceness that cannot be rivaled. So to have a daughter that needs these things from me, and a Mommy who is quite incapable of providing such things, scares me. I want to give my child the world. And if that world involved glitter and hair-do's, well then I am afraid I might end up lacking. So when I say I am scared of raising a little girl, that is mostly why.
BUT. And there is a large "but." I do want a daughter. My mom and I have the most amazing relationship there is. And she has that with her mother. To miss out on that special mother/daughter relationship makes me sad. I would miss having a child that will one day have her OWN children. I would miss keeping that bond forever and hopefully ending up with a relationship similar to that which I enjoy with my mom. You know the saying, "A daughter is a daughter for life, but a son is only a son until he takes a wife?" Well, I don't want that to be true. But I have to say, I am probably a lot closer with my mom than my brother is. That isn't to say they don't have a great relationship, but it is different. So I would absolutely LOVE to have a daughter. I am just afraid of having a daughter. Does that make sense?
On the flip side, a boy would be just wonderful. I have saved every article of clothing The Boy has ever worn. And I have every toy he has ever touched. And the clothing and hair issue? Good to go. I am good with jeans and t-shirts. I can handle a boy haircut. Not to stereotype, but so far my boy is not interested in glitter and/or princesses. I can do trucks and trains and tools. I understand that. It comes easily to me. Not to mention that I have already lived through (almost) three years of raising a boy. So I feel as though I am somewhat prepared. Plus, I have heard that there is something very special between same-sex siblings. I don't have a real sister, so I wouldn't know, but for my boy to have a brother would be an amazing thing. I know they wouldn't necessarily be best friends and I have no expectations for that, but I think he would love to have a little brother.
Plus, one other thing for me to consider is how my household will shape up in the future. God willing, I will not be single for the rest of the time I am raising these children. I hope to meet someone and fall in love and hopefully raise my/our families together. This other person will be a woman. So for my son to have two Mommy's, then a sister, and then him...well he will be the ONLY male in the house. I kind of think it would be nice to have a brother so that their testosterone can balance out the female energy in the house. He won't feel so alone in his "boyness."
Obviously all the "what if's" in the world make no difference. Whatever is inside of me is already there. And I love him or her no matter what. So when people ask that question of "do you have a preference?" my answer really is, no I do not. I see great things and scary things about both of them. I am going to have whatever I was meant to have. If it is another little boy, I will be thrilled beyond belief. And if I end up with the daughter that I have dreamed of, then I will be thrilled as well. They are both new and exciting in ways that I can't have even thought of yet. But we will know soon...
December 19th people. That is the day we find out. December 19th at 10:55am. Just about two and a half weeks from now... I can't wait!!