What A Day!!

Let's start with the good...

Today I had one of those fancy schmancy 4D ultrasounds.  I have to say that it was pretty cool.  And I am totally cynical, so that says a lot coming from me.  It was in this cool room where I was allowed to bring up to 10 people with me.  There were a couple of different screens to look at and also all the images were projected onto an 100 inch screen on the wall.  They checked her out for a full 30 minutes and I left with like 6 5x7 color photos, a ton of smaller black and white photos, a CD full of all of the images (about 75), and a DVD of the entire experience.  In case you're wondering, it cost me $135.  Totally worth it.  Obviously I booked this before the whole bed rest, losing all of your income thing, but I am glad I did.  I never would have splurged on it otherwise and I am really happy that I did it.  Without further ado...please meet "The Girl..."

This is her chillin' with both of her arms up behind her head, so what is surrounding her face is the long part of her arms and her elbows.

This next one cracks me up.  She was physically SUCKING on her feet.  Can you believe that?  Sucking on her damn feet.  We had to do a lot of work to get her OUT of this position so that we could see her better...
And finally, here she is with both her arms clasped to the left side of her face like she is cheering or something.  She had a little smile in this one, so I had to include it...
I mean, really, how cool is that?  The Boy was SO cute while all of this was going on.  He kept saying, "I see her!  I see her!"  And then he would say in a little baby voice, "Mommy, she so cute..."  Totally adorable.  It was really quite sweet.  It was great to get to see her and gave me the little pick me up that I needed.  Of course things didn't end there...

So now the not-so-fun part of the day.  So after my ultrasound I went home to lie down (as per doctors instructions) for about 45 minutes before my weekly OB appointment to check my blood pressure.  Once I got to the doctor, they took my pressure as I was going in and it was okay.  It wasn't great, but certainly better than last week.  I think it was like 139 over 89 or something.  When the doctor (no more messing around with my favorite nurse...) came in she was happy with the fact that my blood pressure had gone down significantly.  She said that the medicine was working and she was happy with that.

I then told her of some of the "side effects" I have been having on the medication.  Those being very lightheaded, extremely exhausted, having virtually no appetite...etc.  Then I told her that when I stand up everything goes black and I have to sit back down so I don't pass out, and that for the past couple of days I have been seeing flashing lights (I call them "diamonds in the sky) randomly throughout the day.  She asked how the baby has been moving and I told her that she moves around, but nowhere near as much as The Boy did.  She just chills, and then it seems like she runs a marathon really quickly, and then stops moving again.  More in spurts.  But I said that we had had an ultrasound today and that she was sucking on her feet and moving around and stuff.  

She got "the look" on her face.  She said she didn't like the visual changes that I had been having and the decreased fetal movement.  I clarified that it might not be decreased, but that maybe she is just different from how The Boy was.  She still wasn't happy with the visual thing and said "JUST TO BE CAUTIOUS" that she was sending me over to Labor and Delivery.  She said she was sure it was nothing and just wanted them to do a stress test on the baby and take some blood just to be sure.  She said I would be home by dinner time and not to worry about it.

So I headed over there.  I have to say that it was weird going back to the same hospital where I had The Boy (and where all the scary stuff happened with The Boy) all by myself this time.  My mom was with The Boy at home, so she couldn't be with me, so I was all alone.  I don't mean to be drama about that...I mean the situation is what it is.  I knew going into this that I was doing it alone, but something about going back to the same place, for the same type of scary thing, but this time being completely alone, was just weird.  And I have to say that for what ended up transpiring throughout the day, I held up pretty damn good.  Anyway, I digressed...

So I got there and gave the obligatory urine sample and got hooked up to all the monitors and put on the fancy gown etc...  I had to register for the hospital and fill out a bunch of papers and sign a whole bunch of crap.  The nurse that was assigned to me was fantastic.   She asked me when I had last eaten (and once she mentioned it I realized it has been quite a while ago) and brought me a sandwich and a ton of water and I settled in.  I knew I needed to have blood drawn, and have the baby on the monitor for at least 20 minutes and wait until the blood work came back before I could leave so I figured I would be there for about an hour.

I made some phone calls and hung out...and eventually the nurse came in and asked me if I was feeling any tightening in my uterus or any cramps.  "I never really had braxton hicks contractions with The Boy, so I am not sure what they feel like, but no...I don't think so, why?"  Apparently I was having contractions.  "Like serious contractions?"  Um, yeah.  And they are 5 minutes apart.  What the hell?!?!  So then she went on to tell me that she would be back and came back a few minutes later with a whole armful of stuff.  She proceeded to tell me that they were going to do that test where they take a swab of your cervix to see if you are going to go into labor within the next two weeks.  (I don't remember the name of the test, but thanks to all my internets out there, I was familiar with the test itself).

So at this point she did the test...(NOT fun to have to hoist my ass up on an upside down bedpan with a towel over it, use the dreaded speculum, which I thankfully have not experienced in QUITE some time and get the swab...) and right around that time my blood pressure shot up.  Well who the hell can blame me?  I should also point out that the hospital where I was checked in is going to close on April 10th so not only is it like a ghost town, but I was also aware that if things went badly, I would have to be transferred to a different hospital where there was a NICU available to deal with my 30 week old child.  Oh yeah, but don't worry.  And don't stress out.  It makes your blood pressure go up...  Jesus Christ!

So I will save all the drama and waiting that occurred after this and get to the end result.  After drinking a ton of water my contractions stopped (I had a crazy busy day and hadn't taken in anywhere near enough liquid or food throughout the day) and all the tests came back okay.  The cervix one was negative and all of my blood work came back okay.  So after about 4 hours in the hospital I was discharged.  The nurse did give me all of the belts and stuff for monitoring and told me she had a sneaking suspicion that this would probably not be my last time in the hospital before I gave birth.  Great.  Very comforting.  But I was able to go home.  I went to my mom's house to pick up The Boy (who was told that Mommy was just having a long doctors appointment and dinner) and brought him home.  He is now sleeping soundly in his bed and it is time for me to go and pass out in mine.  I swear this daughter of mine is already testing me.  Is this what it is going to be like to raise a girl?  Damn, I need a drink...

On A Different Note...

As a card carrying lesbian, I am dutiful in my TV watching of The L Word. I have watched it faithfully from its inception and have never missed an episode. However...  Those of you who watch the show know where this is going, don't you?

WTF?!?! When I saw the rumors about someone being killed off on the show, like the rest of the sane viewing audience, I longed and dreamed that it would be the character of Jenny. So sorry to admit it, but I can't stand the bitch. I have never liked her.  From the very beginning when she went from that Tim guy to Marina, I just didn't trust her and didn't like her.  The show is fabulous and she was the one thing that brought it down every week. I hated her. And not in the "loved to hate her" fashion. Just in the, "Jesus Christ, if they could just kill off her character the show would be so much more enjoyable" way. So when I heard it was indeed Jenny's character that was going to be killed off I was elated. Sure, this is the final season but at least I wouldn't be dealing with that horrific bitch until the bittersweet end.

And what the hell has happened? Not only did she not go away in the first episode, but the entire god damn season has been focused on her. I am so disappointed. I truly am. I have tried to ride it out and hope that perhaps she would go away halfway through the season so I could enjoy the last few episodes in peace, but no. Apparently not. She is here and more obnoxious than ever. So horrific in fact, that the entire goal of this season is to make every single character HATE her so horribly that they want to kill her. Well sign me up as well. I want to kill her. And not only that, she is ruining what is left of the show for me. I am very saddened and disappointed that this is how I have to spend my last season of a show I have loved so much. Don't get me wrong, I will faithfully watch the last two episodes. But every week I watch that show and silently lament how Ilene has chosen to let things end. At least when Queer as Folk ended I got the ending that I felt like it deserved.  This one?  Not so much.  I am going out bitter and sad that I don't feel like the rest of the characters are getting the closure that they deserve because we are all so busy focusing on what a parasite Jenny is that there is no room for anyone else.

Call it bed rest crankiness, call it pregnancy hormones, call it whatever you would like.  But I just felt like I needed to get that off my chest.  There, I feel a little better...

Going from 100mph to 50mph

I am slowly trying to adjust to my new situation.  But it hasn't been easy.  I started off the week by having to send out an email to all of my clients telling them that I was no longer going to be able to work from their offices.  Some of my clients have situations where I can still help them out from my home office, but most of them do not.  So for the majority of them, things are drastically changing, without much notice.  It's hard for them, and equally hard on me.

I am very lucky to have the support system around me that I do.  My cousin, who used to live with me and who is a frequent commenter on my blog, is going to help me out.  She has been out of work due to the horrific economy for a while and has some experience in office management and bookkeeping.  She is going to drive down here (she lives almost 3 hours away) a couple of days a week and essentially take over working for my clients for me.  I am so grateful for her being able to help, and I honestly think that the experience will help her as well.  She can get some valuable experience to put on her resume, and help me out in the mean time.  This keeps me from having to basically tell my clients, "Sucks to be you..." and gives them an option.  Very lucky for that.

I think at this point I have figured out most of the logistics of what needs to happen.  But actually implementing those things is harder than one would expect.  Like the title of this post, it is like driving your car at 100 miles per hour and then suddenly having to go down to 50 miles per hour.  It is doable, but you can't just slam on the breaks.  You have to decrease your speed to do it safely.  Same sort of thing with my life.  I am a single mom who owns and runs my own home, takes care of my 3 year old, and runs a successful business.  I am always going.  There is always something to be done.  Unfortunately none of the expectations on my life have gone away, but I am expected to only give half as much of my time to make it all happen.  It's tough.  There has NEVER been enough time in my life to simply lay down for 4 hours a day.  That hasn't changed.  Yet I have to make time for that.  The Boy still needs to get to school, the house still needs to be cleaned and kept up, dinner still needs to be cooked and cleaned up, the dishwasher still needs to be emptied and the trash service still comes every Tuesday morning.  Nothing has gone away.  But my time has gone away.  It is very difficult to make this adjustment.

I understand it is necessary for the health of my unborn daughter.  I get that.  But again, actually making it happen is tough.  The other fun little thing is the medicine that they have put me on for my blood pressure.  I don't know if these side effects are permanent or not, but they are tough to live with.  After taking the pill I feel SO light headed and dizzy.  If I stand up too quickly I literally see black and almost pass out.  I am beyond exhausted.  I feel like I have a horrible flu and that I just need to be laying down.  And the thing is...that's probably what I should be doing...just don't necessarily have the time for it.  I don't want to call the doctor and complain about the side effects because, really, what is the alternative?  They take me off of the medication and I will most assuredly end up checked into the hospital to monitor my blood pressure.  That's no good.  So we deal with the side effects.

I feel badly that my blogging lately seems to be nothing but complaining about the situation I am in.  It makes me feel like an ungrateful bitch for the decent things around me.  The people in my life are amazing and, for the most part, my clients have been wonderful and understanding.  My daughter is still safely cooking away in my womb.  I am able to be living at home with my son and spending every day with him.  This is a temporary situation and in all likelihood in 6 months time I will be back at work with a healthy daughter and son in my life and I will have weathered this storm.  But right now it is scary and overwhelming.  The financial aspect of having my income simply stop is huge.  The physical aspect of what is going on with my body is daunting.  And the need to find the balance in all of this for two more long months is what keeps me up at night.

But each day it gets a little easier.  Soon I will settle into a routine and things will calm down and I won't feel like everything is so out of control.  And every single day that I am keeping my daughter inside of me is a gift.  Today I am 30 weeks pregnant.  I want at least 8 more weeks of this.  The Boy was born at 37 weeks and he was okay.  But I want a healthy baby that gets to come home from the hospital the same time that I do.  This experience is teaching me that you can plan the shit out of your life, but really, sometimes you have to just sit back and trust that things will be okay.  I am taking things one day at a time.  Thank you to all that have commented and sent me emails.  I appreciate it all more than you know.  

Need Some Cheering Up? Because I do...

So this whole bed rest/no work thing has hit me hard.  Really hard.  While I can intellectually understand that this isn't my fault, the guilt that I feel right now is so overwhelming.  I think it is tied to the fact that I "did this to myself."  I knew that I was single.  I knew that having a baby while single and raising a 3 year old was something that a good portion of people would think I was crazy for attempting to do.  I did my very best to get everything in order and to go through this process without needing or expecting everyone around me to come to my rescue when it all went to hell.  And now that is exactly what has happened.  Everything has gone to shit, and the decision that I made is going to affect those around me.  They all have to step up.  And I have to sit on my ass and let everyone else take care of me.  And that is NOT something I am good at.

Now let me take a moment to say that I absolutely know how very lucky I am to have the people around me willing to do that.  That doesn't escape me.  When I had a major breakdown in my doctors office on Friday my lovely nurse told me I needed to get some perspective.  She said the same thing had happened to her during her second pregnancy and that she didn't have my mother.  She didn't have the support network that I do.  I get that.  And I am so unbelievably grateful to have what I do.  That isn't something that I am missing in this process.  

But that also doesn't negate the guilt that I feel about what has happened.  I am so disappointed in myself and in my body.  I am so worried about how I am going to financially get through this.  I am petrified about having my daughter prematurely and having to leave her in the NICU while I go home without her.  I am worried about the problems she will physically have if she's a preemie.  I am worried about how this is affecting The Boy.  I am worried about how the hell to try and approach all of my clients on Monday and tell them what has happened.  I am worried about what is going to happen to my blood pressure if I don't stop all this god damned worrying!  The bottom line is that I entered into this alone...with the full knowledge of doing this alone and with the thought that I could make it through alone (and with the help of my rock star mother, who is more to me than I could ever explain on this blog).  And now I can't do it alone.  It isn't possible.  And I feel so horrifically sad and empty and well...alone.  

So to basically force myself to focus on the positive I have been feeling each kick that The Girl gives me as a blessing.  I take each and every hour that she is still in my womb growing as a gift, and most of all, I look at the face of that little boy (who incidentally put me through pretty much the exact same fucking thing except he waited until much later to torture me) and I buck up and I sit on the floor and I hug him and I play with him and I soak it all in.  So, in an attempt to not let this blog turn into the "feeling sorry for myself" blog, I give you some pictures of my perfect little dude.  And I take it one moment at a time...because that's just about all I can manage right now.

Here he is becoming a child of the future.  He loves playing with my 'puter and it amazes me to see how well he uses the mouse and how well he can navigate through his programs at such a young age.  He is better at the computer than my mother...

And here he is frolicking outside with the little boy of one of my best friends (incidentally the best friend who is now pregnant...yay!)  To see them growing up together and kicking the balls and just playing with nothing but pure joy is hard to ignore...

And here he is pressing his face against the glass while waiting for a table at a restaurant.  He had fallen asleep in the car on the way to the restaurant and even though I woke him up from a sound sleep he was cheery enough to make faces through the glass at my cousin, one of his very favorite people in the world.  You gotta love that...
And finally...here he is with his most prized possession:  His Lambie.  He loves this little lovey more than life itself.  He has had it since he was born (I actually have about 10 of them total and rotate them around so they all get worn equally) and it is one of his best friends in the world.
I look at that face and the amazing person that he is, and well, I know I will get through this.  It is going to be tough to be on bed rest for the next (hopefully) 2 months, and it is going to be financially difficult to make it through.  But I look at that face and I know I have to do it.  One of these days far from now I will be posting pictures like this of my daughter.  And I will love her with the same intensity that I love this little boy.  And the fight that I have to go through to get her here will all have been worth it.  I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

So Unbelievably Screwed...

So I just got back from my blood pressure check at my OB's office.  Not good news.  In fact pretty much the opposite of good news.  My blood pressure was like 157 over 101.  Really not good.  I have been taking it here at home (I have a cuff thing) and it has been in the range of like 135-140 over 85-90.  Still not great, but definitely not what it was at my doctor's office.  I tried to tell them that I must have just been nervous for my appointment because it hasn't been that high all week long, and I have been taking it...  They didn't so much want to hear that.  My lovely nurse was even bypassed by my doctor who came to the door of my room with a very stern look on her face.  She said the words I was dreading hearing...  "No more work..."  She said a bunch of thing after that, but I really didn't hear them.

I am so unbelievably screwed by this.  I have said it before but it bears repeating.  I am self employed.  No more work means no more income.  Not disability, not anything.  Income STOPS.  I am 29 weeks pregnant.  Holy shit.  In addition to that, my biggest client that has been selling off all the properties?  The one I blogged about a little while ago?  Well once all the properties had been sold and I was able to close down the books for those properties, they were going to give me a bonus.  That bonus is what was going to pay for my maternity leave.  That bonus would have given me the monetary equivalent of working for approximately 3 months.  If I can't close down the books I don't know if I get the bonus.  Without the bonus, I literally have NO money to take ANY time off.  Not three months, not anything.  And even if I somehow manage to close the books from home and get the bonus?  Well that gives me three months.  Three months from now puts me at about 2 weeks past when this baby is due.  I am having a c-section.  That isn't even enough time to recover, much less get ANY sort of maternity leave with my new child.  So screwed...

So this is what is happening as of right now.  My doctors know I live alone with The Boy and as of now that doesn't need to change.  I am still allowed to take care of him; I can still cook and clean and pick him up etc...  I can drive him to and from school etc...  My rules as of today are that I have to quit work completely (although nurse wonderful did say that I could work from home as long as I work within the boundaries they have given me), I have to be completely horizontal for 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours in the afternoon.  Other than that I can function.  I have a massage scheduled this afternoon for 3:00 (yay!) and I am still allowed to go to that.  I can still grocery shop and deal with life as long as I am not going into work and I am doing the two hour thing.  They also put me on an anti hypertension medication (haven't even had time to google obsessively how that is going to effect my baby) which should help.  My doctor told me that we have to at least get me to 32 weeks.  Ummm....no.  You need to get me a lot further than that!  

Okay that is my update.  I have to go have my mental breakdown now.  I will update again later.

If This Were A Perfect World...

If this were a perfect world...I would be able to sit down to dinner with my child, we would both eat off of our plates until we were full, we might have some fun conversation and a few smiles, and then we would get down and clean up. But this isn't a perfect world. And I swear to fucking God that I sometimes think I might lose my mind if I have to spend meal time like this for the next how-ever-many years.

I can't even explain in words how utterly frustrating it is to eat with my son. He talks and talks and talks and he plays with his fork and his spoon, and he pretends that the spoon becomes a truck and drives around the outskirts of his place mat, and he basically does everything BUT actually put food into his mouth. I could make an entire blog post about all the things he does at meal time rather than eat.  I swear the kid could sit at the table for an hour and if never prompted, he would literally never put anything into his mouth.

"[Boy], take a bite..." I tell him.

"Dis one?" He grins and points to one of the options on his plate?

"Sure. That's fine.  Eat anything off any part of your plate."

"Dis one...?" He points to another option while smiling a devil-smile.

This can go on for a good 3 minutes or so. Eventually he will sense my frustration and pick one of the things on his plate and take JUST ONE bite of that item. Then he goes back to playing and the scene repeats a few minutes later. There are nights where I just decide I just can't possibly care anymore and in my head think, screw it, and stop asking. This is one of those nights. He has maybe taken 4 bites of food since he sat down over half an hour ago. I got up from the table and came write this blog post and all the while he is still sitting in the dining room chatting away with his fork and his spoon, NOT EATING.

And the kicker? If I were to go out there right now, which I will do in a matter of moments, and take his plate away he will.not.care. Just doesn't give a crap. He won't come up to me later and tell me he's hungry.  He won't eat more tomorrow.  He won't ask for a treat before bed.  He just won't. And this is why every single time I go to the gastro doctor for a weigh in, the kid hasn't gained any weight.  And this is why I get so stressed out about this particular issue when (didn't he get the memo?) I am supposed to be chilling the fuck out and not making my blood pressure rise!!!

I have blogged about this before, and I am sure I will blog about it again. I am a very lucky person in that my child is pretty easy going and behavior-wise is a really easy kid to raise. People tell me all the time how lucky I am that he's so "easy." I welcome them to attempt to get him to eat at meal times and see how they fare. Because for me? It is my DAILY battle. And some days it gets the best of me. Today is one of those days.  Sometimes this motherhood thing is just tough...

28 Weeks and "Oooohhhhmmm...."

I'll start the post off with my monthly belly shot.  I am 28 weeks here and while I feel absolutely HUGE, I don't think my belly has really grown all that much over the past month or so.  I am one of those people who gets really big, really fast and then it just sorta chills in one place for while.  

So let's talk about the three hour glucose test.  Carey was right when she commented that it SUCKED!  I knew that I had to fast (NOT nice to a pregnant person) and I knew that I had to sit in the office for three hours (NOT nice for anyone who has...well any sort of a life...), but what I did not know was that they were going to draw blood every hour that I was there.  So not only was I in the office for 4 hours, without food, but they were also taking my blood every hour for a total of 4 times.  So.Not.Cool.  By the end of it I was a shaky mess and on the last blood draw my blood wouldn't even go in the little vial on its own, I had to continually make a fist to try and get it in there.  My body subconsciously knew that it had been depleted of all of its resources and was trying to save everything I had.  But I lived.  I had my regular 28 week appointment scheduled at 11:45 that morning (I had begun the test at 8:30 so was in the office from like 8:15am until around 12:30pm) so I had packed a granola bar in my purse to scarf after the test and before my appointment.  I did that, but I have to say that the test really f-ed with my mojo for the entire day.  I felt sluggish and nasty and weird all day long.  The results will be back by Monday and if it is bad news I will get a call.  Otherwise I won't find out until my next appointment, which is this Friday.  Why do I have to go back for another appointment in just a week you ask?  Well I'll tell you.

My history with my last pregnancy ended up being on bed rest because of high blood pressure.  That happened around week 33 I think and I was on bed rest for about 3 weeks and The Boy was delivered 3 weeks early.  I have posted about my fear of repeating this for this pregnancy since I am single this time around and bed rest would essentially mean having to move in with my mother.  You can see where this is going right?  Yeah.  My blood pressure was pretty high for my appointment.  I believe it was 149 over 94.  Not so hot.  So I got "the look" from my favorite nurse (who dealt with it last time around as well) and I told her it was their fault for making me stress out for over 3 hours in their waiting room with no food while sucking all of my blood out.  She agreed that it might have something to do with it so we took it again before I left, and it was down a little, but it certainly wasn't normal.  So I have to go back in one week for a blood pressure check and I am now moving to the point where my regular appointments are 3 weeks apart this next time (not including the BP check) and then after that they move to every two weeks.  That is a big signal to me that we are nearing the end of pregnancy (really we have almost 3 months left) so...HOLY CRAP.  I am so not ready for this.

So that explains the title of my post.  I am going to my zen place.  I need to seriously chill the F out.  My life has been pretty stressful lately and I have always had in the back of my mind that it could end up affecting my pregnancy, but this latest appointment really is a wake up call.  Must calm down.  So I am sitting in a cross legged position with my arms upon my knees and my thumb and middle finger together slowly moaning, "Ooooohhhhmmmm" to try and remind myself.  Bed rest is bad under any circumstances.  But financially and physically it is really, really bad for me right now.  I need to relax.  I am going to do my best.

On that note, here is a documentation picture of my son's newest obsession.  Handy Manny from the Disney channel is his latest craze.  A couple of weeks ago he wanted to watch Toy Story for the 7,638th time and I was about to lose my mind.  I took all 4 buckets of his DVD's and put them in front of him and begged him to PLEASE find something else to watch.  He rummaged through them and found a Handy Manny DVD.  I didn't even know we had that; someone must have bought it for him.  But hey, it wasn't Buzz Lightyear so I happily put it on for him.  He is now obsessed.  He runs around the house with this tool box (pictured below) and screams "Hop Up Jump In" and counts in Spanish.  He LOVES him some Handy Manny.  Thank God I found it on the satellite and was able to DVR the hell out of it so we have several different episodes to chose from.  But he loves it.  And he will happily fix pretty much anything you need him to fix as well as many things you would prefer that he didn't.  But really...look at that face.  How can I not support his latest love?