Saturday, February 21, 2009

Need Some Cheering Up? Because I do...

So this whole bed rest/no work thing has hit me hard.  Really hard.  While I can intellectually understand that this isn't my fault, the guilt that I feel right now is so overwhelming.  I think it is tied to the fact that I "did this to myself."  I knew that I was single.  I knew that having a baby while single and raising a 3 year old was something that a good portion of people would think I was crazy for attempting to do.  I did my very best to get everything in order and to go through this process without needing or expecting everyone around me to come to my rescue when it all went to hell.  And now that is exactly what has happened.  Everything has gone to shit, and the decision that I made is going to affect those around me.  They all have to step up.  And I have to sit on my ass and let everyone else take care of me.  And that is NOT something I am good at.

Now let me take a moment to say that I absolutely know how very lucky I am to have the people around me willing to do that.  That doesn't escape me.  When I had a major breakdown in my doctors office on Friday my lovely nurse told me I needed to get some perspective.  She said the same thing had happened to her during her second pregnancy and that she didn't have my mother.  She didn't have the support network that I do.  I get that.  And I am so unbelievably grateful to have what I do.  That isn't something that I am missing in this process.  
But that also doesn't negate the guilt that I feel about what has happened.  I am so disappointed in myself and in my body.  I am so worried about how I am going to financially get through this.  I am petrified about having my daughter prematurely and having to leave her in the NICU while I go home without her.  I am worried about the problems she will physically have if she's a preemie.  I am worried about how this is affecting The Boy.  I am worried about how the hell to try and approach all of my clients on Monday and tell them what has happened.  I am worried about what is going to happen to my blood pressure if I don't stop all this god damned worrying!  The bottom line is that I entered into this alone...with the full knowledge of doing this alone and with the thought that I could make it through alone (and with the help of my rock star mother, who is more to me than I could ever explain on this blog).  And now I can't do it alone.  It isn't possible.  And I feel so horrifically sad and empty and well...alone.  

So to basically force myself to focus on the positive I have been feeling each kick that The Girl gives me as a blessing.  I take each and every hour that she is still in my womb growing as a gift, and most of all, I look at the face of that little boy (who incidentally put me through pretty much the exact same fucking thing except he waited until much later to torture me) and I buck up and I sit on the floor and I hug him and I play with him and I soak it all in.  So, in an attempt to not let this blog turn into the "feeling sorry for myself" blog, I give you some pictures of my perfect little dude.  And I take it one moment at a time...because that's just about all I can manage right now.

Here he is becoming a child of the future.  He loves playing with my 'puter and it amazes me to see how well he uses the mouse and how well he can navigate through his programs at such a young age.  He is better at the computer than my mother...
And here he is frolicking outside with the little boy of one of my best friends (incidentally the best friend who is now pregnant...yay!)  To see them growing up together and kicking the balls and just playing with nothing but pure joy is hard to ignore...

And here he is pressing his face against the glass while waiting for a table at a restaurant.  He had fallen asleep in the car on the way to the restaurant and even though I woke him up from a sound sleep he was cheery enough to make faces through the glass at my cousin, one of his very favorite people in the world.  You gotta love that...
And he is with his most prized possession:  His Lambie.  He loves this little lovey more than life itself.  He has had it since he was born (I actually have about 10 of them total and rotate them around so they all get worn equally) and it is one of his best friends in the world.
I look at that face and the amazing person that he is, and well, I know I will get through this.  It is going to be tough to be on bed rest for the next (hopefully) 2 months, and it is going to be financially difficult to make it through.  But I look at that face and I know I have to do it.  One of these days far from now I will be posting pictures like this of my daughter.  And I will love her with the same intensity that I love this little boy.  And the fight that I have to go through to get her here will all have been worth it.  I just need to keep reminding myself of that.


gwendomama said...

hon- i am thinking of you. i went through bedrest with all three of my children - all in very different ways, strangely. there was the 3 wks strict BEDrest w/#1 after a hemotoma, then the SIX weeks of hospitalized and heavily drugged 'preterm' labor w/#2, then the last 8 wks of 'ass rest' as i called it w/#3.

you can do this. you have the innernets and HULU to save you.

do NOT I REPEAT NOT join any of those stoopid bedrest groups.

DO eat bacon and chocolate. i can bring you some if you like.

don't know where you are in THAT AREA but am coming to alumrock tomorrow.

AuntFancy said...

Sending ALL my love and happy thoughts in your direction! Big hugs!!