I am very lucky to have the support system around me that I do. My cousin, who used to live with me and who is a frequent commenter on my blog, is going to help me out. She has been out of work due to the horrific economy for a while and has some experience in office management and bookkeeping. She is going to drive down here (she lives almost 3 hours away) a couple of days a week and essentially take over working for my clients for me. I am so grateful for her being able to help, and I honestly think that the experience will help her as well. She can get some valuable experience to put on her resume, and help me out in the mean time. This keeps me from having to basically tell my clients, "Sucks to be you..." and gives them an option. Very lucky for that.
I think at this point I have figured out most of the logistics of what needs to happen. But actually implementing those things is harder than one would expect. Like the title of this post, it is like driving your car at 100 miles per hour and then suddenly having to go down to 50 miles per hour. It is doable, but you can't just slam on the breaks. You have to decrease your speed to do it safely. Same sort of thing with my life. I am a single mom who owns and runs my own home, takes care of my 3 year old, and runs a successful business. I am always going. There is always something to be done. Unfortunately none of the expectations on my life have gone away, but I am expected to only give half as much of my time to make it all happen. It's tough. There has NEVER been enough time in my life to simply lay down for 4 hours a day. That hasn't changed. Yet I have to make time for that. The Boy still needs to get to school, the house still needs to be cleaned and kept up, dinner still needs to be cooked and cleaned up, the dishwasher still needs to be emptied and the trash service still comes every Tuesday morning. Nothing has gone away. But my time has gone away. It is very difficult to make this adjustment.
I understand it is necessary for the health of my unborn daughter. I get that. But again, actually making it happen is tough. The other fun little thing is the medicine that they have put me on for my blood pressure. I don't know if these side effects are permanent or not, but they are tough to live with. After taking the pill I feel SO light headed and dizzy. If I stand up too quickly I literally see black and almost pass out. I am beyond exhausted. I feel like I have a horrible flu and that I just need to be laying down. And the thing is...that's probably what I should be doing...just don't necessarily have the time for it. I don't want to call the doctor and complain about the side effects because, really, what is the alternative? They take me off of the medication and I will most assuredly end up checked into the hospital to monitor my blood pressure. That's no good. So we deal with the side effects.
I feel badly that my blogging lately seems to be nothing but complaining about the situation I am in. It makes me feel like an ungrateful bitch for the decent things around me. The people in my life are amazing and, for the most part, my clients have been wonderful and understanding. My daughter is still safely cooking away in my womb. I am able to be living at home with my son and spending every day with him. This is a temporary situation and in all likelihood in 6 months time I will be back at work with a healthy daughter and son in my life and I will have weathered this storm. But right now it is scary and overwhelming. The financial aspect of having my income simply stop is huge. The physical aspect of what is going on with my body is daunting. And the need to find the balance in all of this for two more long months is what keeps me up at night.
But each day it gets a little easier. Soon I will settle into a routine and things will calm down and I won't feel like everything is so out of control. And every single day that I am keeping my daughter inside of me is a gift. Today I am 30 weeks pregnant. I want at least 8 more weeks of this. The Boy was born at 37 weeks and he was okay. But I want a healthy baby that gets to come home from the hospital the same time that I do. This experience is teaching me that you can plan the shit out of your life, but really, sometimes you have to just sit back and trust that things will be okay. I am taking things one day at a time. Thank you to all that have commented and sent me emails. I appreciate it all more than you know.