Quick Update

Regarding yesterday's post: Thank you all for your kind comments and emails. It means a lot to know I am not the only person who has ever thought or struggled with these issues. That being said. Today was a better day. My mom was right (she usually is...), and I had let the situations of the past few months (work hell, computers crashing, The Boy's OT issues, money and overall everyday life stresses) catch up with me and they were making everything seem overwhelming. Now I am not saying that everything is going to change overnight and I am suddenly going to become Mary Poppins with a life full of rainbows and sunshine. But what I will say is that sometimes it takes someone you trust and care about to point out things we need to work on. And I need to work on this. I am (thankfully) not depressed. I have an amazing life. And yes, there are certainly stressful moments. But I need to be more mindful about being in the moment, rather than feeling like the moments of several months are all bundled together being carried on my back. I had a different mind set tonight. And I enjoyed my kids. I got through the evening and, while there were certainly stressful moments (and I don't expect those will ever go away), overall I stayed in the moment and had a MUCH better night. I am going to continue to work on this and try and get to some sort of a happy medium. Because my mom is right. These ARE the best times of my life. My kids are only going to be young and sweet and cuddly for so long. And while the stresses of being involved in poops and tantrums may fade away, in their place will be homework and school stresses and eventually the evil teenage horrors. I can almost guarantee that in 10 years, when my kids are 15 and 12, I will long for the days when my biggest issue used to be cleaning poop out of a drain and dealing with someone throwing a fit about their crayons being taken away. One day at a time. But today? Today was a good day.

The Grump

My mom said something to me tonight and I can't seem to shake it. She told me I was a grump. "You're always grumpy," she said. "This is the best time of your life; it doesn't get any better than this. Trust me; I've been there," she told me. And I told her that I don't feel grumpy, I just feel tired. Exhausted really. But I am happy. If you asked me if I was happy with my life I would tell you absolutely, and I would really mean it. But if that's how I feel on the inside, then why do I come off as a grump?

I went through a very serious depression right when I got out of college. I have struggled with depression for most of my adult life. I've been on and off anti-depressants for years. I went on them in 1996 when the major depression hit and stayed on them until I wanted to try and get pregnant with my son. I was off of them through the entire pregnancy and after he was born until shortly after his birth (4 months) when my partner came to me and told me she didn't think she wanted to be in our marriage anymore. Between my marriage breaking up and my son's health issues, I went back on the meds and stayed on them until I wanted to get pregnant with The Girl. I have been off them since then, which I guess is almost three years at this point. My therapist and I have randomly talked about whether it is time to go back on them, and I have always said I didn't think I needed them. I was really happy in my life; there were just some issues. But not enough to make me want to medicate again.

See the issue for me with taking anti-depressants is that the ones that work for me (and believe me, back in 1996-1998 I tried pretty much all of them) make me not able to sleep. And that makes me crazy. So then I end up having to take something else to make me sleep. And...well it just becomes a slippery slope. So it isn't as easy as taking one pill and being done with it. One pill causes the need for another pill...and well... I really like NOT being medicated. I like only taking vitamins. I like not having all of that foreign stuff in my body. And again, if you were to ask me, I would tell you that I am happy. And I would mean it. So I haven't felt it necessary.

The hours between 5:00 and 8:00pm are the hardest for me. It has been a really long work day and then I have to get baths done, deal with dinner, cleaning up, bedtime etc... Granted I have my mom here with me to help (Monday through Thursday), but it's still a hard time of day. And I think she's right. During those hours of the day, I tend to be a bit grumpy. Again, I think of it as exhausted, not grumpy, but if I am snapping at the kids and not smiling and not enjoying them for the few hours I get to spend with them each day...what is the difference anyway?

I don't want to be a grump. I don't want to look back on this time and think that I missed out on the amazing little people that are my children. I don't want them to remember their Mommy as cranky. But I have to be realistic as well. Life isn't all smiles and hugs and joy. There are hours of the day when things need to get done and there isn't a ton of time for lounging and playing and fun. But still...I know inside my head that during the week these are the only real hours I get with my kids. I want to enjoy that.

I could end the post right there, but for my own records and for purposes of working things out in my own head, here's what we did tonight. This is pretty typical of an average work day:

Get home with The Girl around 5:00pm. Gigi was already here with The Boy. The Girl throws a fit because she doesn't want to get out of the car. I make a deal with her that she can go outside and play. We go in, say hi and I tell both of them they get to go outside. Much excitement (the weather has been crap and it was almost 80 here today!). While outside I go back and forth from the kitchen trying to prep dinner to the "Mommy!! I need..." "Mommy...come out and sit with me..." I spend some time on the bench swing with both of them, push The Girl in her car, bring The Boy his balance bike, prep fish and green beans and stuffed mushrooms and strawberries (kids) and set the table. We get dinner on the table. My step dad arrives and we all eat together. Dinner is nice and pleasant and we all joke and laugh. But I certainly wouldn't call it "relaxing," as anyone who has eaten dinner with a 5 year old and an almost-two-year-old can attest to.

After dinner my mom cleans up the kitchen while I clear the table and then put The Boy in the shower to wash the grass off of him. It itches his skin so he took a shower. I go to change The Girl's poopy diaper and put her in her jammies. She throws a fit because she wants to do it herself. Fine. I leave her on her changing table to attempt that and go tend to The Boy, who is calling me. While soaping up a washcloth for him to actually clean himself he tells me he thinks he needs to try and go poop. I ask him if he can wait a minute until he's out of the shower and he tells me that, yes, he can. As he is saying that a small plop of poop escapes out his bum and glides along the bottom of the bath tub. While running to get a paper towel to clean it, it proceeds to get all clogged and stuck in the drain. Charming. The entire time The Boy is saying, "Sorry Mommy...sorry Mommy..." I clean it up the best I can, get the wipes and clean HIM up the best I can and give him the wash cloth and tell him to clean his entire body. And focus on the bum while you're at it.

I sigh and walk back down the hall to The Girl who is standing on her changing table taking the pictures off the wall above. I lay her back down, force her legs into her jammies and get her down. She runs down the hall yelling that she wants to color. By this point my mom is done with the kitchen so she gets The Girl some paper and crayons. She lets her sit on the floor (I strap her into her chair at the table when she colors; no running around the house with crayons on my watch!). I go back to the bathroom, get The Boy out of his shower and take his jammies out and give them to him. Brush his hair, clean his ears and then we all go into the living room. The Girl is coloring, and my mom and The Boy sit on the couch to practice his words (speech therapy homework). I sit down and grab a magazine and exhale for a moment. Then The Girl runs down the hall with the crayons and comes back to tell me she colored on the floor. I grab it all from her, she throws a colossal fit. I proceed to clean the hallway crayon mess and my mom takes off.

The kids alternate between making an obscene amount of noise playing "band" and jumping on and off my lap pretending they are cuddling with me, but really just ripping my now defunct magazine and smashing into me. After about 20 minutes of this (all the while my patience is growing thinner and thinner...full disclosure...not my best time of night...) I say it's time for bed. I change The Girl's diaper, we read about 5 books and brush her teeth. She's all wound up from running around with her brother and "saying goodnight" to him about 5 times (hugs and a kiss--it's actually pretty cute), and doesn't even think of laying down in her bed when I put her there. I leave the room and she bursts into tears because she wasn't paying attention when I sang her the night time song (You Are My Sunshine). I put on a TV show for The Boy, and then go back into The Girl's room and sing to her one more time because I am hyper sensitive about "being grumpy" and I don't want her last thought of the evening to be one of abandonment.

And then I come out here to type this for you. In the middle of typing, The Boy's show ends and we brush teeth and he is now in his room with one toy and a flashlight. I feel equal parts thrilled that they are finally in bed, and sad that I wasn't as cheerful and fun as I could have been. I feel like I failed in all aspects.

How do you do it all? How do you take care of kids, run a business, and all the while keep a smiling happy face when you are really so tired you could lock yourself in your room and sleep for a year? I get a decent amount of sleep at night, so that's not it. I don't really know what "it" is. I just sort of thought that this was life. Until my mom said something tonight. And now I am stuck thinking about it. I am quizzing everyone I know about whether or not I am actually grumpy. I even asked The Boy (he said no and gave me a hug. I don't think he knows the definition of grumpy).

What about all of you out there? Did you make it through this long rambling post? Are you cheerful amongst the craziness of life with kids? Do you ever feel grumpy? Do you ever feel like you aren't appreciating life? Do you worry that you will look back and wish you did it differently? No? Huh. I guess it's just me. I must be grumpy. :)

Birthday Ideas

I can't even wrap my brain around it, but The Girl is turning 2 in a few weeks (three weeks from today to be exact). I am not throwing her some big, crazy party but there will be lots of family and people who love her all around.

My question for you all is this? What the hell do I get her?

I should preface this by saying she is pretty spoiled. She has a ton of toys and books. She has all of her brother's left over toys and then some "girly" inspired toys because, as much as it pains me, she LOVES the girly-girl stuff. So she has plenty of dolls and strollers etc... She also has a little ride on bike that she loves.

I was thinking maybe a doll house? Or is she still too young for that?

I am seriously stumped. Anyone have any great ideas? Anyone have a two year old that has a toy that they can't live without? Please let me know...

Conversations With My Daughter

In the car driving home from daycare...

Peanut: "Mommy, I want da book!! Gimme the book!!"

Mommy: "Which book? The Curious George book? The bunny book?"

Peanut: "Yes Mommy"

I reach around and grab the book off the floor and hand it to her.

Peanut: "NO WANT DA BOOK!!" Throws book on the floor.

Continue driving for a couple more minutes...

Peanut: "Mommy, I want da monkey...I want da ooh, ooh, aah, aah..."

Reach around, again, and grab the monkey out of the back of my seat and hand it to her while stopped at a red light, "Here you go Peanut."

Peanut: "NO MONKEY! NO WANT IT!" And then she proceeded to throw said monkey onto the floor of the car.

I just sort of shake my head like 'whatever psycho girl...' Continue driving...

Peanut: "Mommy...I WANT the monkey! Gimme the monkey!"

Mommy: "No. I just gave it to you and you threw it on the floor. You shouldn't have thrown it on the floor if you wanted it."

Peanut: "But I WANT it the monkey. Gimme the monkey!!"

Mommy: "No [Girl]. You threw the monkey down after Mommy handed it to you so you are done with the monkey. No more monkey."

Approximately every 10 seconds as we continue to drive home...

Peanut: "I want to have the monkey...give me the monkey...I want the monkey Mommy...Mommy want the monkey..." and so on and so on and so on...until it makes you want to poke your eyes out and I contemplate driving into the upcoming intersection just to make the noise stop.**

Finally, Mommy: "Fine [Girl]. I will give you back the monkey but you have to say please."

Crickets

...and then repeat the above over and over again. However the word "please" is missing from the request every single time.

I repeat again, "I will be happy to give you the monkey but you have to use your manners. Say please give me the monkey and I will give it to you."

Crickets...and then about a minute later...

Peanut: "Mommy I want London Bridges." (The first song on her play list on the iPod; we had the music off up until that point).

Mommy: "No problem. Just use your manners and ask nicely. Say 'please Mommy, London Bridges'."

Silence...and then in the teeniest, tiniest of voices I hear in barely a whisper...(keep in mind she was practically shouting this whole time so she made a very conscious change of the level of her voice)

Peanut: "Peez."

I turned around to look at her because, quite honestly, I could barely hear what she said and we were sitting at a light, "What did you say honey?"

And she gave me a shit-eating grin and turned her head and looked out the window. Refused to make eye contact. Refused to say it again.

So we drove home the rest of the way in silence. No monkey. No London Bridges. And when we pulled up to the house, she refused to get out of the car. So I unpacked my stuff, left her in the car in the garage for about 5 minutes before getting her and dragging her out of the car and into the house where she proceeded to flop herself down on the floor in the entry way and lay there for another 10 minutes throwing a fit.

Did I mention she turns 2 in less than a month? How many of you all want to come visit my house? Come on...you know you want to...it's FUN over here... ...Anyone? Bueller?

**Kidding... ...sort of.

It Takes A Village

The Boy slept with me last night. He wasn't feeling well, and I usually let him sleep in my bed one night a week as a treat so last night he was with me. We had a big storm overnight and it woke me up several times. The Boy slept through it all but because he's a little sick, he snored. So between The Boy and the storm, I didn't sleep great.

You know how sometimes you just wake up in one of those moods? No particular reason, except for some reason the world is particularly annoying...today. Add to that two children who are at PRIME age for irritating the living hell out of each other and calling for me 6,000 times to be a referee to their fights...and you have a very cranky Mommy. It was just a really long morning.

So I called in my mother. Gigi came over around noon and when she showed up my plan was to leave as quickly as possible and go grocery shopping all by my quiet, little, lonesome self. But The Girl was so sweet when she said, "Mommy take me go bye bye? I wanna go bye bye...I wanna gocey shop...I wanna banana..." (she always eats a banana while we shop...it keeps her happy). So then she wanted to go...and of course he wanted to go... So my mother being the rock star she is suggested taking The Boy to her house to nap there so I could put The Girl down and get some much-needed-work done while she slept. So we ate lunch...we shopped...and they left. And The Girl fell asleep in the car on the way home. Amazingly, it all went according to plan.

I transferred her easily to her bed where she proceeded to sleep for almost 3 hours and I came in and knocked out a ton of work. In the meantime I got a call from my mother who reported that The Boy was in a tent that his Poppy built for him, with his "build a bug" toy things in his tent, laying on his pillow pets watching a Wild Kratts. It seriously doesn't get any better than that for my boy. I had to smile. He was SO stoked.

Meanwhile The Ex texted that she had made a bunch of extra chili and wanted to bring it over for dinner so she came and brought dinner, did the dishes and I was able to actually take a shower. The kids had a GREAT time playing with her and all was well. There were several super cute moments throughout the night between the two kids and how they interacted that made me smile.

I realized at some point throughout the night that while I had started the day seriously trying not to kill the two of them and trying to figure out how quickly I could get out of the house, without them, to get some piece and quiet...and ended the day feeling like one of the luckiest moms in the world being able to spend time with these two amazing kids. Parenting is not for the faint of heart; everyone knows that. And sometimes it is a good thing to realize that, even though you may be a single parent, there are days to send out the signal that you need a break. If you are able to do that, and have people respond, then it can turn a really bad day into a fabulous day. I am very lucky to have the group of people around me who allow me to do that.

This Moment

{this moment} – A Friday ritual inspired by SouleMama.
A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week.
A simple, special, extraordinary moment.
A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Somebody threw away the baby!!

Wordless Wednesday

Peanut finally discovered the fish tank...she LOVES it...

You Are My Sunshine

I have sang "You Are My Sunshine" to both of my kids every night since they were born as they are getting ready for bed. It's just one of our rituals.

Tonight, while beginning the night time ritual of The Girl, we were changing her diaper when she spied one of her babies and decided she wanted to change baby's diappy as well. So from that point on, everything we did, we did the baby too. We changed diaper, we read a book, we brushed the teeth, and then we got into the crib. The Girl wanted the baby right next to her; its head on her pillow. We covered baby with a special blanket and then The Girl put her head down next to baby on her pillow and I started singing sunshine... She sat up, and made sure her baby was covered and then told me to start again. This time she put her head down and she sang along with me. While my hand rubbed up and down her back (as it does every night), The Girl's hand ran up and down her baby's back...as I sang the words, she sang the words right along with me...only to her baby. For the entire two verses of the song. After the song ended, I kissed my hand and touched her forehead, I did it again and touched one cheek...I did it again for the other...and I smiled because she kissed her hand and touched her baby's head, three times...and smiled at me. I told her I loved her and I would see her tomorrow. Sleep tight. As I was closing the door I heard, "Yuv you....seep good...see you a-morrow..." And my heart nearly melted.

My baby was baby-ing her baby....just like I baby her... It was perhaps top three sweetest moments of motherhood thus far.

The 5 Year Well Check

It started last night.

"Mommy, I'm not getting a shot at the doctor tomorrow, am I?"

"Yeah baby...you are gonna get a shot."

"No Mommy...I don't want to get a shot. That really, really hurt me last time and I don't want to have to do it again..."

And on and on it went. I had to talk to him for 30 minutes about how we were going to handle it (turn our heads away, hold hands and count to three), and the entire plan for the day tomorrow. And most importantly about how that plan included a trip to his favorite restaurant for lunch and then to his favorite little toy store. We talked about how first Gigi was going to come over, then Mommy was leaving to go to his school to have a talk with his teacher (parent teacher conference), and then when Mommy got back we were going to go to the doctor. Then a little exam...a even littler, teeny-tiny even, shot in the arm and then OFF TO LUNCH. AND FUN THINGS. AND JOY!! Many, many times we went over it. And then he told me that if I was a good Mommy tomorrow (like he is going to be a good boy), then he would tell me a story. And it was gonna be a great story, so I better be good cause I was gonna want to hear it. And that he and I were gonna be a team. A team of good boy and good Mommy and we were gonna have a GREAT day tomorrow. And we hugged and said goodnight.

I'll write about the parent teacher conference later (which mostly was talking about his recently discovered OT issues) but I did that, went home and picked him up and went to the doctor. He had had a good morning talking a lot about the toy, but not so much about the appointment. Until we got in there. Then he started talking about it. The shots that is. But he was still dealing pretty well.

Weight and height taken (34 pounds and 40 inches...and I actually hesitated posting that because it really shows how very tiny my boy is...but I guess my long time readers all know that...) Then hearing test (flying colors), eye test (did great on that as well). Then off to the potty for the pee in a cup. Even did well on that. :) Then into the room for the exam. The nurse had warned me in the hall: 5 pokes today.

Holy crap!! I had no idea it was THAT many... "What are they?" I asked her. "TB test, blood test (finger prick), and then three booster shots in his arms."

Damn. This wasn't going to be pretty.

Turns out it wasn't so much. The first part was the TB test. In my day it was a little 4 prong thing that they poked on your arm to see if you got a reaction. This was an actual needle injecting something into his arm! The nurse drew a happy face on his arm in pen (he kinda freaked out for that because he didn't trust that it was really only a pen) and then used the needle to make the "nose." He didn't buy it. He screamed but sat relatively still and let it happen. Then came the "blood draw." Clue to cute nurse: Don't mention the word blood. My kid had vision of his veins exploding. And he freaked the eff out. Like writhing around in Gigi's arms, me holding onto his arms trying to make it happen... Like a scene out of a movie. His face turned red, he was all snotty and coughing because he was forgetting to breathe... It was crazy.

And then it was over. And he calmed down, but he knew the shots were still coming.

The exam with the doctor was a time for him to calm down and read a book in my mom's arms while I talked to his doctor. We talked about the recent OT evaluation and some issues surrounding that.... It's a hard conversation to have really. I spent a lot of it trying not to cry. The blood draw had been REALLY hard to watch and my emotions were frayed from that and then I have to sit down and have a conversation with his doctor about the areas where my kid needs serious help. And where he is really far behind. And we talked about using his school district in Kindergarten for possible OT services. And I gave that look like, he'll never qualify. He's never bad enough to qualify for school services. Just bad enough to really need services... And he gave me that look back like, "This time he might be bad enough."

Ouch.

I got a little croaky and emotional and he told me that I hadn't done anything wrong. That I was a great mother, and that I was doing now what needed to be done. And that I shouldn't feel bad about anything.... And that made me feel better...but then even having to have this conversation with his doctor...again...about something he needs help in... Well that just made me sad all over again.

It's hard. This whole thing is hard.

And then he did his physical exam and he passed everything. He gave him the standard test he gives to all incoming kindergartners and he could do everything. And he said to me, "Based on this evaluation, I wouldn't say anything was wrong either...he did great." So there's that. He smiled at me and patted me on the shoulder...told me about how his kid could not hang on the bars before kindergarten either and he got him into this program...and now he is swinging like a champ. Very sweet. And easy to relate to. His son is on the autism spectrum and he talks openly about that. I really do love my pediatrician. So he chatted a bit with The Boy again and headed out.

Then The Boy knew that all that was left was the shots. They were coming. He cried, he talked about it...we practiced breathing...he went back and forth between me and Gigi...he paced...he begged me to put his shirt back on... Where the HELL was the nurse? (She was outside preparing the needles away from him so that it was fast and easy when she came in...) She finally came in and he was in Gigi's arms and lap. We talked about it for a minute and he decided he was going to face into Gigi's chest and look up at me away from everything. While we were deciding this she did the first two shots into his right arm. He didn't even notice it was happening. When she came around to the other arm he really had no clue the shots were even done. He realized it at that point, looked at me, and we counted to three and she was done. Just like that. SHE RULED!! Major props to her. All of a sudden he takes a big deep breath and goes, "Well that wasn't so bad."

And he's been fine ever since.

For the record, he did get lunch at his favorite restaurant AFTER the toy store because that was of more importance (the toy store was far more important than lunch). He picked a ball like thing that expands into a bigger ball like thing... and a pretend clock because he wants to learn to tell time. He was stoked. Got a yummy lunch and then headed home. He took like an hour little nap and then Gigi came back and picked him up for a sleepover at her house.

Minus a few little shots...it's been a damn good day for my son. A really rough day for his Mommy.

Doing what he loves: Examining his lady bug larvae transforming into...whatever the hell the next stage is.

Edited to add: I just spoke to my mom on the phone and she said they went BACK to the toy store on the way to her house and he got two more treats to keep at Gigi's house... He must have laid it on thick...

And more: I just realized he never told me my story. I *think* I was a "good" Mommy today...

This Moment

{this moment} – A Friday ritual inspired by SouleMama.
A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week.
A simple, special, extraordinary moment.
A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Matching jammies and band night... :)

Knock on Wood...

I hesitate to post this...

But I think...*I think,* that my computer may finally be fixed. It has been a LONG time since I pulled my iPhone out of my iMac in the middle of a sync which ended me up at the Apple store with a mac genius, who pointed out that my memory was about gone and I better start backing things up and figure out how to move forward... Then, of course, I screwed things up even further trying to back things up. It has been a REALLY long haul to get here.

But my fancy, newly rebuilt, with TONS of space (2 terabytes and 4 sticks of RAM for those who understand such things) computer seems to finally be back. And WITH all of my previous data. Of course that was the tricky part. It took another trip to the genius tonight (who had to do something with authorization as my computer wouldn't allow me to have any of the stuff I had purchased on iTunes...) but as of right now, all of my devices are syncing and backed up and mostly everything is here. I lost one month of my pictures but in the long run, that really isn't bad for what could have happened.

So here's hoping the posts will pick up again. Certainly the pictures will...I know you are all missing seeing my kids all the time... :) Of course I am reading everyone because I can do that on ANY computer. But I feel like hopefully this is a new beginning. In more ways than one. 2011 has been a tough year so far for my household. Between the work hell, and then the SICK hell, and then computer hell...well it's been a ride. So here's to March, and spring and new beginnings and all that kind of crap. :)

Don't Cross Her, Don't Boss Her...

Thank you all so much for your kind comments and emails regarding my son's OT issues. That is why I love my friends inside the blog world. All of my friends in real life have perfectly healthy and wonderful kids and sometimes it is hard to talk about issues with them. Not that they aren't supportive and wonderful but there is just something about being able to hear from people who have been there, or people who are involved in the system, or just people who can read my rantings and understand. So thank you very much. Like I said in the post, I gave myself a little time to feel sorry for the situation and pout and be sad, and now it is business as usual. I am fine and ready to face whatever challenges we have and feel lucky that my son has so many GOOD things going for him as well.

Now...moving on to the other drama in my life: My daughter. I am trying to figure out how to express what is going on with her without just screaming, "SHE IS A FREAKING NIGHTMARE." Because while that statement is totally true, she is also equal parts adorable and cuddly and sweet. But when she's a nightmare? Oh my god. Seriously. Now you may think that I have some idea of how to do this whole child raising thing because I have a 5 year old son. Let me clarify. My son has given me some challenges, that is the truth, but almost all of them have been somewhat health related. He has given me virtually no behavioral challenges at all. I think he has had a total of 3 time outs in his entire life and my biggest challenge with him is that I don't hurt his feelings or damage his sensitive little self.

So I am not at ALL prepared for the fire storm that appears to be my daughter. Whatever she does, she does it 100%. So if she's being sweet and cute? Cutest thing you have ever come across in your life. But if she's being "challenging?" Well batten down the hatches people because she is going to rattle the windows. Here are a few examples:

• Last week at the mall we had a lovely lunch after which we were getting The Boy a treat (for doing so well at his OT evaluation) in the Disney store. She was fine; being cute and great etc... Then for some reason outside the Disney store she decided she wanted to climb in and out of her stroller. I don't need to tell you that we were all not going to stand there for hours while she played, so she was given the option of either walking with us, or sitting in the stroller. Neither of those were good enough for her. She wanted in and out and in and out and in and out. And nothing else would suffice. So after discussing it with her for a minute or two I realized we were at a stand still and put her in her stroller and strapped her in. She screamed bloody murder at the top of her lungs. She screamed to that point where you're walking through the mall and the people without kids are looking at you like, "Take that OBNOXIOUS child out of here!!" and the people who DO have kids were giving you that sympathetic look like, "Oh...so sorry...been there...hang in there!" She finally screamed and wiggled enough to get herself out of her straps and stood up on her stroller and was about to leap over the side when I picked her up. By this point she had worked herself into a tissy and as soon as I picked her up she calmed down and put her head on my shoulder and relaxed immediately. My grandmother looked over at me and goes, "She won."
• Yesterday as we were getting ready to leave for school I said, "Time to clean up. Time to go bye bye." She looked at me and yelled, "No keen up! No bye bye." I told her, yes, it was time to go. She walked over to a tea set she has, picked the whole thing up and threw it at me and said, "No keen up. NO bye bye." And just looked at me like eff you lady. I told her to pick up her tea set, we needed to leave. She then yelled, "NO PICK IT UP!" and proceeded to lay down flat on her stomach on the floor. I told her if she didn't pick it up she would go to the time out chair. She again repeated, "NO KEEN UP." So I picked her up and carried her to her time out chair. Where the screaming began. And the yelling, "I WANT GO BYE BYE!!" I had to physically keep her there in the chair all the while calmly telling her we don't throw our toys and when Mommy says it's time to clean up that means clean up. She finished her (one minute) time out and we left for school. She pouted on the way there even though when she was done I made sure to sit her down and repeat why she had gotten the time out and that I loved her and needed her to follow the rules. So I dropped her off at school and told the director why we were a little late. Then when I went to pick her up I was told she had been pissy and angry ALL morning long. They finally had to have one of the teachers take her alone in a room and let her get it all out. She stayed that way until she decided she wanted to take her nap (skipping lunch because she refused to sit in the high chair and threw her plate of food back at one of the teachers). After her nap she was fine. Perfectly lovely. But because of the time out I had given her in the morning she spent 4 hours being an asshole.

There are many of these little examples. Last night when I told her it was bedtime and went to take her to change her diaper (part of her normal night time routine) she hit me in the face. This morning she was perfectly lovely until it was time to get dressed and she didn't like the pants I picked out (and also didn't want to pick her own pair; I offered) and didn't want to wear shoes. Another screaming fit.

I am tired and I have no idea how to handle her. I have never experienced this. EVER. Like I said, my son had his challenges and still does, but never like this. I want to pick a way to handle this and be consistent with it because most of all, I don't want her to end up being that kid that no one wants to come to their house. She's testing her limits and I know that. She is 22 months and is doing exactly what she is supposed to be doing for her age. But I just don't know what to do with her. And like I said, she isn't always like this. Most of the time she's adorable and lovely and cute. But when things don't go her way? Watch out. If this is a preview of what's going to happen for our "terrible two's," I might need to start drinking more. :)

How could that sweet and adorable face do all of those things I mentioned above? :)