Onward We Go...

Just a quick post to update from today's doctor appointment.  I was fine.  I am the picture of health.  :)  My blood pressure was actually down and the nurse said, "You must have had a good weekend..."  Well if ignoring doctors orders and bed rest equals a good weekend in your book, then yes, I did...  

We got hooked up to the NST machine and waited.  And waited.  And waited some more.  I swear they forgot about me beating away in that room.  When someone did finally come in to check on me she said, "So the word on the street is that you're done with this pregnancy."  Great.  I am so glad that my cheery disposition has leaked its way into the entire staff.  Mental note: Must stop being such a bitch.  But I digress...  Then she followed that up with, "Well your baby isn't doing much of anything..."  Aka, she appears to be failing the test at this time.  So here, drink some water and we'll just leave you hooked up to these machines where you can't move for ANOTHER HOUR.

I swear my hips and right leg were completely asleep, as were my arms.  Everything hurt.  And what happens when a 9 month pregnant person drinks water?  Right.  Pee.  So I am half asleep, needing to pee, and laying there mentally wondering how long I would have to lay there before they realized that I had perished in their exam room.  Finally they came back, declared that the baby had passed, and I was free to go.  It was also noted that "I appear to be having rather consistent, somewhat severe contractions."  Really?!?!?  I hadn't noticed...  They also said that her heart rate was going down a little during contractions so that was something to watch, but the moral of the story is that I was set free.

I have one more appointment on Thursday and that is it.  It seems so weird to be this near the end.  I mean, after Thursday I am not going to go back to their office until 6 weeks after the baby is born.  Seems so odd.  I will miss my favorite nurse.  I see her twice a week now.  We have a standing date.  Who is going to be my new date?  Apparently my newborn child?  Huh.  But I can see the finish line.  Five more days until her birthday.  Can't really wrap my head around it.

Random fact:  The Boy was due on the 20th and I had him on the 5th.  The girl is due on the 5th and I am having her on the 20th.  Just thought about that in the shower this morning.

37 weeks today, people.  I can't believe I have made it this far.

The Distraction of Easter

Easter turned into a lovely distraction this year.  I was not expecting it, I have to be honest.  I am so cranky and evil right now that I didn't think there was much that was capable of bringing a genuine smile to my face.  But Easter did.  More specifically, Easter with my precious little dude.  I think three has got to be one of the greatest ages to enjoy a holiday like this.  We started talking about the Easter Bunny coming to our house just a few days before the holiday.  Then I told him that his "MO" (my cousin, whom he adores) was going to take him to Nanny's house (my 92 year old grandmother who still hosts this event).  Well the prospect of going to Nanny's to hunt eggs with all of his cousins and also get to hang out with his MO was more than he could handle.  Too excited.  So he was pretty stoked for the day.

He woke up at 5:40 in the morning and when I went in to get him he said to me, "We go to Nanny's now?"  I informed him that most reasonable people on the planet were still asleep and that, NO, we aren't going to Nanny's right now.  He joined me in my bed for his milk and when I asked him if he wanted to go and see if the Easter Bunny came to his house he told me, "No tank tu.  It too early.  I check yater."  Good call, kid...good call.  So at about 7:40am he came back into my room and I asked him again.  At this point he was all for it.  He ran out into the living room and came back shrieking, "An egg!!  An egg!!  I finda a egg Mommy!"  He nearly lost his shit when he saw he had an ENTIRE basket that was all for him in addition to the extremely fun eggs.  Watching him hunt for eggs and check out their contents with such enthusiasm really made me smile from the inside out.  I am rarely sappy and cheesy, but really, this is why I had kids.  This joy.  The pure fascination and laughter from something as simple as finding 18 plastic eggs.  Watching him do this really just made me melt.  And it made me rub my belly in anticipation of years ahead when he and his sister perform this action together.  And don't think I'm exaggerating when I tell you I haven't rubbed my belly in anticipation in quite a few weeks.  Sometimes you need something simple like this to remind yourself why you make the decisions you do.  This was one of those times.

I was so giddy that I decided that I was going to ignore doctors orders (to hell with bed rest) and I was going to go to my Nanny's house with my cousin and my boy.  I didn't want to miss the "big egg hunt" that was going to go down there.  Plus, the weather was beautiful and honestly, I REALLY needed to get the hell out of my house for a few hours.  So I took a shower and did my hair and I went to the Easter celebration.  And watching my boy play with his cousins and hunt for those eggs was worth it all.  Behold the precious boy showing off his prizes.

He hunted and he played and I sat out in the real world, with real other people (as opposed to the ones in my head that I talk to when at home on bed rest) and I almost felt like a normal human being.  For one afternoon, it wasn't about me, or the baby, or when she was coming, or the contractions, or how shitty I feel...  It wasn't about ME at all.  And it was bliss.  I was just a normal participant at a party for Easter.  And watching my boy eat strawberries in the sunshine?  Well...just take a look at that face and tell me it doesn't melt your heart:
And just in case this post seems like the day was too idyllic to be true, let me show you a picture of my child once we got home from all of the festivities and after he had his nap.  And let me label this picture exhibit A: What happens when your child that normally doesn't eat sugar has a day filled with Easter candy.  He starts to DIVE, literally, from the ottoman to the chair thinking he is flying.  And really, he basically IS flying.  And a 9 month pregnant Mommy that went out of the house when she isn't supposed to really doesn't have the energy to try and curtail such activities...
Thank you for all the fun, my boy.  We have just one week left of it being just the two of us, and days like yesterday remind me why I will miss that.  But at the same time they also tell me how much more enriched they will be for YOU when you get to share a day like that with your future sister.

And on a different note, today began a full week of no school for The Boy because of his Spring Break.  How in the HELL am I supposed to live through this?  Seriously!  It wouldn't be that bad if I weren't on bed rest because we could go to the zoo, or the Children's Discovery Museum, or the beach, or hell...even a park.  But when Mommy is supposed to be on bed rest, what in the hell is she supposed to do with her child?  Because honestly, by 9:20am this morning (which is MONDAY, by the way), I was out of ideas.  It is going to be a LONG week...

Probably The Final Shot...

I wanted to title this post "What Miserable Looks Like," but I am trying to be more positive so I opted for the other title.  This is me today.  36 weeks, 3 days pregnant.  If I make it to my scheduled c-section (which it looks like I will), I will be 37 weeks 6 days when I deliver my little girl.  To sum up the belly shots, I had my mom measure my waist today to see how I compared to when I had The Boy.  The night we left for the hospital with The Boy my waist measured in at 44 inches.  Tonight my waist measured 45 inches.  So pretty close.  But considering we are a little over a week ahead of last time, it has the potential to get bigger.  I haven't talked much about weight gain during pregnancy on here because fortunately it isn't a big issue for me.  I am not someone who subscribes to the "eating for two" analogy.  I am lucky enough to not get horrific cravings and therefore during my previous pregnancy and this one, I actually eat a lot healthier during pregnancy than I do when I am not knocked up.  Not to mention that under normal circumstances I get a lot of my calories from wine (boy do I miss my wine...sigh...), and obviously that isn't happening during my pregnancies.  So with The Boy I actually ended up weighing about 15 pounds LESS after I had the baby than I did before I got pregnant.  I was quite a bit chunkier going into the pregnancy with The Boy so I had more to lose, but it wouldn't surprise me if after having The Girl, I end up a little less than I started.  To date I have gained 21 pounds with The Girl.  Not too shabby.  So 21 pounds and a 45" waist.  People who know me well point out that I am all belly.  That is how I feel.  Like a big, fat, baby holder.  Only 10 more days to go...only 10 more days to go...

In other news, my boy is still growing up.  No, I didn't expect this to stop, but it seems like since he turned three things have just been changing so much, so fast.  He is such a little person all of a sudden.  His speech is insane (although we are still having major issues with pronunciation, the maturity of the phrases he is attempting are hysterical) and he cracks me up on a daily basis.  

Today when we were in speech therapy I got totally NAILED by his speech therapist.  The Boy has a bit of a lisp so one of the things we work on every week is saying our "S" sounds while making sure that his teeth are closed shut so that his tongue can't come out to form the lisp.  Today his therapist casually mentions to me, "He doesn't use a pacifier, does he?"  She says this like, I am SURE he doesn't because you are usually such the model parent and there is no way you could be making the STUPID decision to allow that to still be going on...  Or at least that is what I felt like.  Because, yes, I haven't made him give up the Binky yet.  I wanted to let him keep it up until the transition into the Big Boy bed so that he would still have his comfort item to help him go to sleep.  Well, he has officially transitioned into the Big Boy bed and I haven't made him give it up.  How come?  I don't know really.  Hadn't really thought about it.  Perhaps my brain is elsewhere...  But she called me out on it.  Now I told her, and I feel I should defend myself here as well with the fact that he ONLY has his Binky in his bed when he falls asleep.  He isn't one of those kids that walks around with it.  It stays in his bed.  Period.  And when he goes down to bed he puts it on his pillow while he farts around in bed and only sticks it in his mouth when he is about to fall asleep.  Then once he is asleep, when I go in to check on him before I go to bed, I take it.  So he literally uses it maybe 20 minutes a day.

Time to put an end to it.  I talked to my mom about it tonight and wondered if RIGHT before a new baby comes home is really the best time to take it away...  But really it is all just excuses.  I can always come up with a reason as to why I can put things off.  I thought that maybe next week before the baby comes would be good.  And then, when I was brushing his teeth I wondered why I am setting some random date in the future to make it happen.  I looked at him and I said, "[Boy], when we went to see S (speech therapist) today, she told me that it is time for you to stop using your Binky to go to sleep."

"Why Mommy?"

"Because it is bad for your teeth and it is making it harder for you to talk.  It isn't good for the sounds we work on with her.  You know how we have to practice with putting your teeth together and making our sounds without our tongue coming out?"

Boy nods head in understanding...

"Well part of the reason that is hard for you is because of using your Binky.  So we aren't going to use it anymore, okay?  Plus, you are a BIG boy now and really, Binky's are just for babies."

"Binky's for baby [Girl]?  Not for me?"

"No.  You don't need it.  You're a big boy.  But tonight, since it is the first night, you can take one of your cars to bed with you along with your Lambie.  But no Binky tonight."

"You not gonna take da Lambie Mommy, right?"

"Right.  I will never take your Lambie from you.  Ever.  And tonight, since it is the first night without your Binky you can take one of your special cars to bed with you."

"Hooray!"

And I put him to bed for the first time without his Binky.  He seems to understand.  He is in there right now laying down quietly but he hasn't actually fallen asleep yet.  He might start to get upset right as he is about to fall asleep, but then again he might not.  He is a big boy and he understands things.  I think he might actually get it.  And he might actually go to sleep for the very first time in his whole little life tonight without his Binky.  He is SUCH an amazing kid my Boy.  I love that little dude more than I could ever express.  And all of this growing up stuff is just too much for my pregnancy hormones...

Sometimes You Just Have To Let It Out

So I feel badly about my previous post and considered removing it but...it captures some very real emotions and when I look back on this time I want to remember the tough times as well as the good times.  So it will stay.  BUT I will clarify that I feel better now.

I came home from my appointment and I cried.  I felt sorry for myself and allowed myself the disbelief of "Oh my god, I simply can't do this anymore..." and I sat around and let it all come flooding out.  And I needed to do that.  I was by myself in my house and I was allowed to not put on a brave face for all of those around me and I was able to just be by myself and let it all fly.  Since there are people around me pretty much 24/7 right now I don't have a lot of time to do that.  Intellectually I understand that obviously the longer this baby cooks, the better.  So I don't really feel like I am allowed to admit that I am totally and completely DONE with this pregnancy.  It isn't politically correct to say that out loud.  Because it isn't what's best for the baby.  And really, since this whole bed rest thing hit me at 29 weeks, it has become as if I don't matter in the slightest anymore, it is all about what's best for the baby.  And of course it is.  I am a mother.  That is my job.  And right now my job is to do whatever it takes to get this baby here as healthy as possible.  And that means completely ignoring how very hard this has been, both physically and emotionally, on ME and just focusing on what's best for the baby.

But when I am in my bed at night, and when I manage to steal a few moments alone in my own world, I sometimes allow myself the briefest of moments where I think about myself and how hard this has been.  I had to quit my job and stop my income.  I had to basically give over all aspects of my life (running my household, taking care of my son, running my business, being a functioning member of society) to other people.  I basically had to revert to being a 14 year old kid who lives off of their Mommy and who needs permission to do anything besides turning on the television.  Add in some of the emotional stresses that have happened in the last month and it is not surprising that I have moments of meltdown.  Today was one of those days.

But once I give myself permission to give into it and just feel the crappiness, it somehow gets better.  Once I have cried all the tears that are left in my eyes and lamented over how hard this is until I can't say or feel the words anymore, it gives way.  It lessens its hold over me.  And once that happens I am able to see through the clouds again.  And the good points of what is going on begins to show itself again.  And I somehow feel like I can breath again.

Of course it goes without saying that a healthy verdict from my doctor for both myself and my child is good news.  So that is part of the silver lining.  And really...it is just about 2 weeks from now that NO MATTER WHAT, this pregnancy will be over and I will be stepping into the next phase of motherhood to a newborn.  That really isn't that far away.  Three hours ago that felt like an eternity, but now, it is simply two weeks.  I can do two weeks.

And the best thing that I realized?  I get two more weeks with my boy.  Two more weeks (one of which he is off of school for spring break) to enjoy just being me and him.  Two more weeks before someone else comes in and he forever has to share his Mommy with his sister.  Two more weeks of him being the most special and important person in my life.  I get to dote on him.  I get to soak him in.  I am home and not working and able to spend every single moment with that precious little boy and let him know and feel how very special and amazing he is.  Back when we were in Hawaii in January I blogged often about how that time was probably going to be the last time that I got to spend just with him, with no distractions of work and baby prep and issues, and now I have been given that time again.  He is home all next week on Spring Break.  And it really is a blessing to not be in the hospital having a baby, or just home from the hospital with a newborn during that time.  I am damned lucky for that and instead of crying about how hard this is for me to swallow, I will look into that face.  That perfect face that is at the top of this post and I will be thankful.  Not only for being given the chance to bring a healthy baby girl into the world, but for the chance to enjoy the amazing boy that I already have. 

Quick Update

This will be quick.  My appointment today was very boring.  Nothing to report.  No changes.  Blood pressure was the same and the baby passed her non stress test.  I am still contracting like crazy, but they aren't concerned about it right now.  Rinse and repeat.  I go back on Friday to see if anything has changed.

It's so ironic that I fought so hard to get to this point (I am 36 weeks today) and now all I want is for this to be over.  I completely understand that having a healthy baby is the priority and therefore it is best to keep her "cooking" as long as possible.  But I am miserable.  Seriously miserable.  I have a cold, I am having totally uncomfortable (but apparently unproductive) contractions like every 5 minutes that make me feel like I am having the worst period of my life, the baby is sitting so low that I can't even pee without feeling like I am bending her head in half and that happens every 45 minutes when I have to pee.  I can't take a deep breath.  Every single bone in my body aches and I feel like I am going to pass out if I stand up for more than 5 minutes, but sitting down is horribly uncomfortable as well.  Completely and totally miserable.  And so unbelievably DONE with being pregnant.  But I get it.  If there isn't a medical reason to deliver this baby then she shouldn't be delivered.  And I understand that.  And I will suffer through this as long as I have to because I want a healthy baby.  But I am cranky and tired and haven't slept and just want to not feel this way anymore.  And I have almost a full two weeks left.  Because OF COURSE I am going to make it to my scheduled c-section.  Because frankly the thought of two more weeks of this makes me cry.  Seriously.  So now I am off to cry.

Will muster up some cheerfulness soon...I swear...  Sorry to you all for being such a downer.

Because...Of Course!!

As if there weren't enough things going on in this household, everyone now has "The Bad Germs" as my son refers to them.  My mom started it with a sore throat and feeling yucky and as of this morning she is fully sick.  Just down right can't breathe, coughing constantly and feeling horrific.  Then this entire weekend The Boy has felt a little warm, hasn't had much of an appetite (which for him basically means he stops eating all together) and has been a little clingy.  When I heard the sneezes starting last night (he sneezed about 10 times in an hour), I knew what was coming.  All night long I heard the little sneezes and coughs from his bed, but God bless him, he didn't wake up or call out to me.  The first thing I heard from him this morning was at 5:45am when the bastard cat was howling to be let out.  I hear over the monitor in a small voice, "Regis, dop it!"  And then about 5 minutes later he called out to me to go and get him (he still doesn't climb out of his big boy bed by himself; he calls me when he's ready to get out) and proceeded to confirm to me that he does, in fact, have "The Bad Germs."

So all morning long we have been dealing with the green snotty sneezes from hell and the coughing and the general lamenting about how utterly sick he is.  In fact, while typing this he just came out and turned his face up at me so I could see inside his nose and proceeded to inform me that he had "boogies" and needed me to deal with them.  I got the old diaper rag out and made him blow and off he went back into his little cave of a room to finish watching Bolt (which for some reason is his newest obsession).

And me?  The person who is due to give birth by surgery of course?  I have the sore throat and my nose is starting to snot up.  Which means that this cold should probably be hitting me full force right around the time that my doctors say that it is time to head to hospital to try and birth this baby.  Because, OF COURSE!!  

On a happier note (since I seem to be incapable of posting pleasant things these days, and I sincerely apologize for that...) my contractions seem to be responding well to the medication so while they are still here and are adding to the uncomfortable-ness that is my pregnancy overall, it doesn't seem that they are going to send me to the hospital for it anytime soon.  I think I might just very well be pregnant forever.  And on that note, I wish you all a wonderful Sunday!

Still Cooking...

I am here with my normal Friday update.  My doctors appointment had mixed news again today.  Most of it is good as you can tell by the fact that I am not writing this update from the hospital.  My blood pressure was the same as it was on Tuesday (right around the 140/90 area), which isn't good, but since it is the same as it was on Tuesday it is considered stable.  So we "passed" in that area for today.

The baby passed her NST pretty easily today.  I think this is the first time I haven't heard the words "pass" along with "by the skin of her teeth" together in all of her tests.  So that is another good thing. 

The only not-so-good thing is my contractions.  Both my nurse and my doctor made a joke about how the baby probably passed her test so easily because my damn contractions aren't letting her get her beauty sleep (as she usually does during the NST's).  Obviously I am aware of them.  They have gotten considerably worse since Saturday of last weekend and last night they woke me out of a sound sleep at least 5 times.  They have only gotten to the point where I would characterize them as "hurting" within the last 24 hours or so.  But when I was hooked up to the NST machine it was very apparent that I was having pretty strong contractions about every 4 minutes or so.  They asked me if I could feel them (yes, I could) but I wasn't having to "breathe through them" yet so I guess that is a good thing.  My doctor prescribed a medicine (I haven't picked it up yet from the pharmacy so I don't know the name off the top of my head) to make them stop.  I am to take it every 6 hours when I am feeling contractions but don't have to take it if I am not feeling anything.  Hopefully that will keep my body from going into labor on its own, although neither my nurse nor my doctor looked overly convinced of that.  I am also basically supposed to be flat on my back doing nothing but drinking fluids.

Have I mentioned lately how much fun this entire process has been?  Good lord...

I have to say that the one scenario that I simply did not even assume was a possibility was the concept that my body would actually go into labor on its own.  What the hell?  I am going to be SO pissed if I end up in labor.  I know I am getting the c-section and obviously if I end up in the hospital they won't make me suffer through labor, but man.  If I am having contractions that hurt enough to make me take my ass to the hospital I am going to be so pissed.  Or if my water breaks on its own?  Gross!  These are things that I had not even planned for considering that even if by some fluke of imagination I made it to my 38 week scheduled c-section, my body should most certainly NOT go into labor on its own before that.  How very rude.

For some reason, even though today's appointment went relatively well, I have lost my cherub-like demeanor.  I am cranky and tired and nervous and just on edge.  Everything and everyone is irritating me and I am so beyond done with physically feeling like shit.  You add these lovely contractions to my extreme exhaustion, my "laser light shows" that I see every 15 minutes, my lack of sleep, my nausea, my heart burn, my head aches and basically overall feeling like I have a horrible case of the flu and, well...I guess you get a very cranky person.  I want everyone to go away and leave me the hell alone and I want to crawl up in a little ball and just cry for a while.  But I can't.  Right now I am going to put my precious little boy down for his nap and I am going to lay my own ass down and hope that when I get up again I will have a better view/attitude with this entire thing.  Cause right now?  I am just plain done with this shit.