Happy Holidays

It's a holiday in our household today so I wish you and your family a wonderful holiday season, and here are some of the pictures from the kids' holiday photo shoot... I may have already shown you some of these but if not, enjoy! Have a wonderful day everyone!

Apparently There Is A Limit to My Crankiness...

This past week has been ROUGH you guys. Trying to work AND take care of two kids simply doesn't work. It just plain doesn't. I can either work properly, or I can take good care of my kids...but I can't do both of those things at one time. So this week has been crazy and I am not proud to say that I haven't been the most patient parent in the world as of late. In fact for most of this week my children have literally been driving me out of my mind.

But then tonight I put The Girl to bed and then I put The Boy to bed in their respective rooms and went into my bathroom to take off my makeup. I hear my daughter open her door, walk out and pause a little bit in front of my room to see if I am looking at her (I am not, but can see her through my bathroom mirror) and then "sneak" into her brother's room. I have his monitor on so I turn it on and see her hop up on his bed, give him a hug and lay down on her tummy with her ankles in the air watching her brother do something with Spiderman. They whispered because they didn't think that I knew she was in there. They sat together for about 15 minutes before The Boy couldn't stand it (he's definitely my honest one) and he came out and told me that The Girl was in his room but could they please please please spend some more time together? He was teaching her how to not be afraid in the dark and he was going to go get her Kitty (her lovey) for her. I said sure and he ran off. A few minutes later I went in there and they were both laying together on his bed under the covers and asking if they could have a sleepover.

Let me reiterate...there has probably not been more than a handful of moments in the entire last week that I thought these two were cute. They have both been "on my list" all week long. And yet...even I couldn't resist the adorable brother/sister bonding that was going on. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and we don't have to be anywhere until 4:00pm. It's a perfect night for their first ever sleepover in our house (they have slept together in other places before, but never at home). So I blew up the aero bed, put the sheets on and they each made their own part of the bed. She chose her pillow pet, her kitties (2 of them), her blanket, her stuffed frog and a spiderman figure. He chose his pillow pet, his Lambie (like her kitty; a lovey), a flashlight, a blanket and three spiders. Oh, plus another Spiderman figure to battle his sister. I took a picture of the cuteness, turned off the lights, and slipped out to leave them. I will never know what they talk about or what they do in there tonight, and I shouldn't. This is just between the two of them.

Happy Holidays to everyone!

Pray for Me

Today is the last day...for more than two loooong weeks, that either of my children have any sort of school or daycare. It's going to be a LOT of togetherness. I mean I do feel lucky and joyful to spend this wonderful time of year with my two children... But dear God. It's a really long freaking time. Let's have a couple of pictures of them during the season while I still like them... Happy Friday!

Bullets

The time just keeps going so quickly that I never have time to sit down and write a proper post anymore. So I'm going to catch us up quickly since I haven't written since Thanksgiving.

• My daughter is a huge pain in the ass. Seriously. I adore her more than life itself but DEAR GOD with the attitudes and the tantrums and the bossy behavior... It's a miracle some days that I have made it through the evenings with her.
• On the flip side of that...oh my God is she so freaking cute right now. She LOVES any and all things Christmas. She asks for the songs in the car and knows them by heart and sings them at the top of her lungs. We took her to see some lights last night and she kept running around going, "And anodder kissmas tree...and ANODDER...and wait! LOOK! There's frosty..." It was perhaps the sweetest genuine love of Christmas I have seen in the long time.
• The Boy has attitude as well. Seems like teenager attitude...like blatantly ignoring me when I ask him to do something. Taking his own sweet time to do that things he actually does. And generally thinking he's MUCH cooler than he actually is.
• But again...he's so sweet right now. Is reading at school and I volunteer in his class and read with all the kids so he is trying SO hard right now to master reading. He loves, loves, loves all things school and I will say (again) what an amazing school he goes to. He's still my little science boy and my little helper.
• Job thing is a bit crazy with the transitions to working with a partner coupled with normal end-of-year activities and my heart is palpitating a little trying to figure out how to fit it all in.
• One of my very wealthy clients let me go to his beach house over the weekend for a night. I will say it was like NOTHING I have ever seen before. Most beautiful house that perhaps I have ever set foot inside and I actually got to spend the night. Right on the private beach with the most amazing view you have ever seen. I went with the kids and The Girlfriend and it was awesome. While eating breakfast in the morning at the big, oak table in front of a burning fire we were watching the surfers and the waves break outside the window. And as we were watching a school of dolphins swam by. Swear to God. Even have pictures to prove it. It was a pretty surreal moment.

And we'll end on that because I have to run out to pick up The Girl from school, The Boy from his OT and then bring them home, throw them in the bath and get their dinner started before The Ex gets here to watch them. Because at 6:00 I am going out for drinks and sushi with my BFF. Will try and do a proper post soon! Hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday!

Thankful

This is a good year. There is much to be thankful for. Of course, always on the top of my list are my two amazing children. They are a handful, and they challenge me on a daily basis, and they bring a light into my life that feels like the sunshine. I adore every moment. The ones that are hard, and the ones that Hall.mark looks upon and says, 'that's what cards are made of...' Because they both exist in my household. On a daily basis. Sometimes on an hourly basis.

I am thankful for my family. My mother is my rock and my best friend. My life would function at a much different place if it weren't for her. I could never ask for more. She brings so much to my life and to my kids' lives. If I can be half the mother she has been for me than I will have been a success. And add in the extended family of my stepdad, my grandmother, my brother and his wife...and I am a very lucky person. My entire family unit is surrounded by love. I don't take that for granted. And my children are growing up spending every holiday with their cousins and building amazing traditions and memories. That is priceless..

I am thankful that finally, after 5 years, I have opened myself up to the dating world and been lucky to find a woman that treats me like I am something special. And who seems to not only accept, but adore my crazy life with my two kids (who are around ALL the time) and want to be a part of it. I am very thankful for that. I am very thankful she is in my life.

My friends are the best ever. I have about 5 close friends that I talk to on a regular basis...you guys keep me grounded and provide the friendship that endures the test of time. Having a few, really close friends is a lucky thing. And I have several.

My work. First of all, I am thankful for the fact there there IS work to be had. In an economy like this, I am so thankful that my cup is running over where my workload is concerned. I am thankful that I have a new business partner and that the future is looking bright. I am thankful that my hours allow me to volunteer on a weekly basis in my son's kindergarten class, and that I am able to have both my children home with me on a daily basis by 5:00pm. My work allows for all of this.

Most of all I am thankful for where I am in life right now. Right this very minute. Sitting in a house that I own, typing on a computer that I love, listening to my kids play together in The Girls room, sipping a glass of wine waiting for The Girlfriend to arrive in about an hour when we can all get to bed early and enjoy a long day tomorrow of family and fun.

Here's wishing you and your families all a wonderful Thanksgiving.

This Moment

{this moment} – A Friday ritual inspired by SouleMama.
A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week.
A simple, special, extraordinary moment.
A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

The Next Phase?

When I look back on my life thus far, it is definitely broken up into different "chapters." Of course when you're little the chapters are defined by school. For me they are pre-parents divorce elementary, post-parents divorce elementary, then Junior High and High School. After that there is the obvious college chapter. And then the post-college, partying a lot, living in an awesome studio above a coffee shop 'chapter.' Then for me there was the "coming out" chapter. I figured out during that time that I was gay and dated a couple of girls and generally just enjoyed that feeling of, "oh THIS is what I was supposed to be doing the entire time."

Then I met The Ex and we went into the next chapter of love, life, commitment ceremony, buying a house and trying to have kids 'chapter.' Then we finally got pregnant and I had The Boy and we went immediately into the breakup of the marriage, Ex leaving me, sick kid phase of my life. That was a rough one. No doubt about it. Then the next phase was probably me deciding to have The Girl, getting pregnant and having her, and dealing with being a single mom to two small kids all by myself phase. This phase lasted up until a few months ago. I was so overwhelmed with trying to do it all, and do it all well, that there was absolutely NO time for myself or for anything besides getting through each day and trying to take time during those days to appreciate and love the kids I fought so hard to get.

And then everything changed. As I have spoken about before, I hit a really rough time around July of this year. The Boy had gotten sick and for whatever reason the depression that I have fought for the better part of my adult life returned with a vengeance and it became obvious that something had to change. So since I was done nursing The Girl and was done having kids in general I agreed to go back on anti depressants. When I look back now, I think this was the catalyst that started all the things that are happening now.

About a month after starting back on the medication I began to feel like my old self. Not the self that I had been for the past 5 years, but the self I had been before that. The person that actually felt a lot of joy and began to look at life as something to be lived as opposed to something to just 'get through.' I started actually enjoying my kids again. I lost 25 pounds and am back at the same weight I was in high school. And I decided it was time to consider dating again. Not only did I put myself out there, but I was the one who decided to contact the woman who is now my girlfriend and pursue her. That never would have happened before.

And in mid-September one of the gay boyfriends came to me and said he thought it might be time to take on a business venture that we had talked about for years. We decided to become partners and grow my business in a new way. This is a HUGE thing for me. I have been completely self employed and running my own business for 15 years. To allow someone else to come into that business is not something I take lightly. But the timing felt right, and if we are correct on what we think we can do with the business, I will actually make more money, get some time off, and be able to have a quality of life where I do not have to work every single night after the kids go to bed, and every weekend. It's going to take a bit to get there, but wow...it would be so awesome if we can achieve that. And I actually believe we can do it.

So it appears that I have entered the next 'chapter' in my life. My kids are older now and are getting to be completely past the baby phase. They are turning into lovely little human beings (most of the time) that you can talk to and reason with and that can handle things in a more mature way than ever before. I am settling happily into a new relationship with an amazing woman that I feel SO lucky to have in my life. And my work is completely morphing into something new. Pretty much every aspect of my life is shifting. And it's all for the better.

I have never before in my life been so conscious of the transition. And while there are certainly moments where I have a bit of panic based on the fact that EVERYTHING feels so different, I am happy and excited to move into this next phase of my life. If I think back to how I felt right after The Ex left me and my marriage broke up, I would have NEVER thought that I could be here again. I would not have thought I could have found a second chance at life and at love and that things could ever feel this way again. So I say bring it on! Changes are not always scary. In fact sometimes they end up being exactly what I needed.

Happy Day!!

About three months ago I was posting about how utterly bummed I was that The Boy had to go back onto his appetite stimulating medication. He had been off of it for almost a year and it was a really big blow to me that he had to go back. The side effects when he first starts it are tough to witness and I just felt so bad for my little dude that for whatever reason, his body didn't make him hungry enough to eat on his own.

But I am happy to report today that it works. That for all of those tears I cried and all of those sad moments I had...it appears to work. And that is really all that matters in the end. If you recall, when he went back on the medication in August he had not gained one ounce in over 10 months. Not a good thing for a 5 year old. I rarely post his actual weight on here because he is just so tiny that I feel bad about 'putting it all out there' on the Internet for the world to see. But because I have good news today, I will share. The weight we were stuck at for over 10 months was 35 pounds. He was just stuck there. He had actually grown about 3/4 of an inch during that time period but that isn't anything significant (an average yearly growth for a child my son's age would be about 3 inches). So at his last weight check he was 35 pounds and 41 inches tall. Yes, I know. Super tiny. Especially for an almost 6 year old.

BUT! But yesterday was his 3 month check after going back on the medicine. I knew he had gained a little bit because not only could I see it in his face, but I had cheated and had him stand on my scale at home a couple of times. So I was hopeful that it was going to be a good appointment. I was hoping that he would be up to about 37 pounds and that because of that he had a growth (height) spurt coming. That was the hope. So when we got called back and he stood on the scale I said to the nurse, "If he's still 35 pounds I am going to kill myself..." She laughed as she slid that little dial more and more over to the right and said, "You don't have to worry about that today..."

He weighed 39 pounds you guys!!! He gained 4 pounds in 3 months. That is un-fucking-believable. This has never happened in all of his life. I have never witnessed a weight gain like that. Never. I was so surprised and happy that I picked him up and swung him around the room cheering. I couldn't believe it. I still can't believe it.

And then we moved on to get his height and he had grown an entire inch!! In three months!! Crazy. Totally crazy. In the best possible way. So even though he is still a tiny little dude for his age, I am celebrating the fact that he put on 4 pounds of weight and grew an entire inch in just three short months. I Can't even tell you all how happy this makes me.

Way to go Buddy!! Keep eating!!!

Am I Really That Old?

On Saturday I went to my 20th High School reunion. Even though it has only been 19 years since I graduated, our class the the class before us had a joint reunion...anyway, you don't care about that.

It was...mostly good. Actually it was good. Weird? Yes, but still totally good. I had bought a new outfit, thanks to the "Worry About The Boy" diet, I am skinnier than I have been in a long time, so my BFF (from before high school thankyouverymuch) and I decided we should go. We got our hair done, went out to a scrumptious sushi dinner before hand, and proceeded to get rained on while we walked the 5 minute walk to the reunion.

I saw some people that I was genuinely happy to see (and yes, that's you Carla!), some people that I made eye contact with and moved on, and had some very strange conversations. I ran into the guy that I lost my virginity to (nope, not a gold star, but there were only 2 guys ever). That was a bit awkward. He knows I am gay now but I couldn't really tell if he new that before we started talking or not. But he kept going on about how much he liked me when that was NOT the case at the time... Very random. I actually had a few of those conversations with boys throughout the evening. I never really remember any boys actually liking me...I mean I did the whole high school flirtation and make out thing with plenty of them, but I never actually had a boyfriend in high school. Huh. Perhaps that's kind of telling...

Anyway, it was a fun evening. Wine was consumed, I had a great time with my BFF and now we have MUCH to discuss during our future phone conversations. I was home by midnight and greeted by the new girlfriend. I went on to enjoy a fantastic weekend with her...she really is just amazing. I am not quite sure how I got lucky enough to have someone like her in my life, but I am really happy that I did. The more time I spend with her, the more time I want. Things are going great. So overall, I'd say it was a pretty good weekend.

The Epic Tantrum

The girl is a piece of work right now in terms of tantrums. They come out of seemingly nowhere and go like a tornado and then stop as quickly as they started. Once they are over I am able to appreciate the comic value in them, but during them? Man...it is exhausting.

We have had three of these in the past 2 weeks or so, which I guess isn't bad odds, but since I literally just got done dealing with one I thought it would be a good time to tell all the internets about my horrendous daughter. :)

As usual, this one started with no good rhyme or reason. She woke up fine...pleasant even, and after changing her diaper she jumped up on my bed to watch her show and have her milk (her normal morning routine). For whatever reason, she decided that she didn't want that particular show and started demanding a different one. Of course I told her no because...well because she was being ridiculous. She gets to watch PBS in the morning and she gets whatever happens to be on that channel at the time she starts to watch. But apparently since the days of DVR's she feels that if she doesn't like the particular episode at the time she should be able to demand a different one.

So when I told her no, it started. She started screaming at me to put another one on RIGHT NOW! And when I calmly told her no for the fourth time she took her milk and threw it at me. I walked over to it and picked it up and told her, "okay now you don't get your milk. We don't throw things." She I went into the kitchen to put her milk up on the counter and she followed me around for at least 10 minutes crying and screaming at me. While all of this is happening I was telling her "10 minutes until we get dressed...5 minutes until we get dressed...getting dressed in 2 minutes..." Of course she was yelling NO!! every time I would say that. So when it was time, I took her in and she went postal. And she's strong!! I was able to take her jammies off, but when I went to put her shirt on she screamed and twisted and pulled so hard on her shirt that she actually ripped the seam. So rather than KILL HER, I walked out of the room. So she was on her changing table in just a diaper. She got off the changing table and came into my room where I was putting on my makeup SCREAMING at me. I should note that this is not just some annoying toddler cry she is doing. She is SCREAMING at the top of her lungs like someone is trying to put her toe nails out. So while I was putting on my makeup she walked over to me, picked up a toy clock that was on the floor and hit me in the leg with it as hard as she could. Charming, isn't she?

So she was grabbed by the arm, told in an extremely forceful tone that we don't hit and pulled into her room where the door was shut behind her for a time out. So then she proceeded to stand in there, again SCREAMING, and also kicking her door as hard as she could. And then crying even harder because apparently it hurts to kick your door with all of your might with nothing on your feet. I left her in there for a few while I finished putting on my makeup and trying to get The Boy ready at the same time (aren't mornings fun!?!?). When I went back in, she had been trying to rip off her diaper and had basically shredded the entire thing into tiny pieces on her floor. And then she had peed on them for good measure.

I managed to get another diaper on her but there was no chance that the clothes were going to make it on over the tantrum. And at this point it is time to go. I'll be damned if The Boy is going to be late to school simply because his sister is being an asshole, so I grabbed her clothes and shoes, put them all in a bag along with her milk, and loaded up the car. When I went back to get her she started yelling at me that I needed to get her dressed. I reminded her that I had tried to do that...TWICE, and that she had made the choice for that not to happen.

"I need to have my clothes on..." she sobbed.

Bummer. No time for that now kid. So I scoop her up in her diaper and carry her out to the car and shove her into her car seat. I threw a blanket over her for good measure (I believe it was about 57 degrees outside at the time) and got in and started driving to her brother's school. She screamed and sobbed for about 5 minutes and then stopped.

All of a sudden she goes, "Mommy...there is a big white truck!"

And just that like, she's done. She was perfectly fine...the sweetest, most adorable version of herself. She goes, "Mommy...can I have my milk?" I handed it back to her and she said thank you and drank it nicely and handed it back to me. When we got to The Boy's school, I feel like an asshole in the car line because I have a naked 2 year old in the back of the car with her hair not combed at all (she is usually all spiffy when we drop brother off to school), and her face a snotty mess...she was looking special, let me tell you. I just smiled at his teachers and said, "It's been one of those mornings," and, like anyone who has kids, they just smile and pat me on the back and take The Boy.

As we were driving to her school she asks in her quietest, most sweetest voice ever, "Mommy...can you put my clothes on before I go into my school?" Sure. Can't think of anything I'd like better. So when we pull up I got her dressed in the car before I carried her in and apologized that they would need to do her hair, which of course they have no problem doing.

She runs up to me, throws her arms around me and says, "Good bye Mommy! Have a good day. Have fun with you clients!" and dashes off to play with her favorite teacher.

She's a piece of work. Someone please tell me this is just an age thing and not a personality thing because I can't even imagine how hard she is going to be as a teenager. I'm not sure if I'm going to make it. :)

Halloween in Pictures

The Boy decided that he wanted to be a dragon. Peanut, however was somewhat convinced that she wanted to be a "beautiful butterfly." However, when brother's costume arrived, she took one look at it and declared that she wanted to be a dragon like brother (shocking). So behold...my two dragons...

Aren't they scary?
And here they are trick or treating with their cousins on the big day. The Girl did great. She got scared a couple of times but she kept up mostly. Of course, The Boy got tired and ended up riding in the stroller, but I am sure that doesn't shock anyone (least of all me, which is why I brought the stroller in the first place). But they were old pros at the procuring of candy...
Sometimes her brother and her cousins ran ahead of Peanut so she hung with her Gigi. She was so cute going house to house holding her hand...
This pretty much sums up the evening...candy in the mouth and candy in the hands, and candy in the bag...
Hope everyone had a great Halloween. One of these days I will make time to give you all a proper post!

Now With Added Bonus

I posted here a while ago that Peanut was moving into a toddler bed. She was crawling out of her crib and hurting herself and it was just time. The transition was actually easier than I thought it was going to be. It helps that she can't open her door handle yet, so she can't get out of her room unless I open the door for her. But she LOVED her new "big girl bed." She was ALL about it. Check out the face...

The thing of note in this picture is that the crib is still sitting next to the toddler bed. I left that in there for at least a week, and it was actually quite helpful. Every time she wouldn't lay down to go to bed, I would point at the crib and say, "Do you want to go back to your baby crib? No? Well then lay down. If you don't lay down and go to sleep you have to go back to the crib..." And miraculously, this worked pretty well. After almost two weeks, it was time to get the crib out of the room. But before doing that, one has to snap a final picture of the crib sitting in the "nursery."
That crib has been up and in that spot for almost 6 years. It was kind of am emotional thing for me to take it down and put it away. I don't have any desires for more children, so not in that kind of a way, but in the way that the children I DO have are growing up. One is in school already...the other now has her own bed in her "big girl room." It seems like in just a few years they are going to be surly teenagers that only snarl at me as they walk down the hall. No longer my babies.

But once I got the crib down and moved her bed into its spot, I was thrilled with how big her room looked (it's a pretty tiny room). I had bought a little bin to put all of her toys and stuffed animal into and after all of that, there was so much room to play!
And this is what I am referring to in the title when I say "added bonus." I didn't realize that my daughter never played in her room. Neither did her brother for that matter. They always played in either his room, or in the living room with me. Now that her room is set up like this she plays in it ALL the time. She goes in and gets a book and sits on her bed to read it. Or she takes her baby dolls and/or stuffed animals and puts them in her bed, covers them and sings to them. She climbs up on her window seat and sits there with things she has collected around the house. She loves it. And sometimes The Boy joins her too. I have heard him saying to her recently, "Come on...let's go play in your room..." as they run down the hall. The other night, I was doing dishes and I realized it was silent. Since every mom knows that is never a good thing, I turned off the water and went to investigate. The Boy was in his room sitting on the floor playing with his dinosaurs, and The Girl was in her room playing with her dolls. It was the most surreal moment. Both of my children, playing happily in their own rooms. All in a different space. It was pretty glorious. And of course it lasted approximately 30 seconds because The Girl came barreling down the hall not two minutes later to tell me something. But still. It was there.

And the best thing of all? The Boy saying to her after brushing teeth, "Come on...let's go to your room and I will read you a story. We can sit on your bed together."

And then you get moments like these. And you aren't sad that your baby isn't in her crib anymore. You remember why every single stage is so damn awesome.

Lots of "Firsts" In My World Right Now

Today is New Girl's birthday. We are going to have lunch together just the two of us, and then she has asked me to join her for a birthday dinner with all of her friends tonight. I am *officially* being introduced to all of her friends. But that isn't the "first" I was referring to above. This is the first time that I have ever hired a babysitter to come watch my kids that isn't family. Please don't be confused with this being the first time I have left my children because that couldn't be further from the truth. But this is the first time that I have had enough of a life that I felt it necessary to get an actual "babysitter." One that I pay money and that doesn't come to my Christmas celebrations. She comes very highly recommended by my best friend and is a college student. I'm sold. She came over last weekend and met the kids and played with them for a little and she was hired.

So tonight is the first time I am leaving my kids with a babysitter. And I am not at all emotional about it. I am super stoked that I can get out without having to feel guilty about whichever family member I am making give up a Friday night. And tonight should be fun, so I'm excited.

And then tomorrow night I am leaving my children and going away for a night for the first time. I am taking New Girl away to a hotel right on the beach for 24 glorious hours. I am embarrassed to admit that I have not ever once, in the almost 6 years of having kids, had a night where I wasn't with at least one of them. There are only a few times that I have not had both of them since The Girl was born. The first was when I went to the hospital to have her, and The Boy had to sleep at my parents house. That was somewhat traumatic because while I was convinced we had prepared him for every part of my going into the hospital to have a baby, I apparently forgot to mention to him that I would be spending the night in said hospital. He was good with all of it, until he realized he was expected to leave WITHOUT Mommy. That didn't go over well.

The second time was this last June when I took The Boy to the Monterey Bay Aquarium to spend the night for Father's Day. That was the first night I had ever been away from Peanut and she also stayed with my mom. That particular night went fine, but the aftermath with Peanut left a little bit to be desired. There have also been a few night where The Boy has stayed overnight at my moms, or at The Ex's house. But for the past almost 6 years, there has not been ONE morning that I have not had to wake up and tend to a child. There has not been one morning where my only concern was weather or not *I* felt like getting out of bed. The kids are staying with The Ex at my house and I cannot freaking wait. And who knows? I might not feel like getting out of bed the entire time! :)

Lucky Me

I've been told that I should update my blog telling you all why I have been so absent. After I laughed at the concept that people might actually miss reading my drivel I decided I would do a post.

So yes...the blog isn't as active as it used to be. There's probably lots of reasons for that, but most likely the new girl has something to do with it. I need to come up with some sort of blog name for her...I'll have to think about that.

But in terms of an update, things are still going very well on that front. It's been SUCH a long time since I have had any sort of a love life, I'm not entirely sure what to say about it. But I should tell you that I have honestly never met anyone in my life that treats me the way this woman treats me. It is sort of astounding to me. I keep waiting for her to "figure it out," or "snap out of it," but it doesn't seem as though that is where she's going with things. She seems to very genuinely like me for me. And that is saying a lot. In the past, I have always tried to figure out what a partner needed from me to be happy with me, and then mold myself into that person. I think because A) so much time has passed since I last had a relationship, and B) the ridiculous amount of therapy I have done in that time, that for this relationship I have never even given a thought to who I "should" be. I just am. And I guess because it has come as a nice surprise, but not one that I feel as though I can't live without, I don't have that panicky feeling that it is all going to go away if I don't do something "right." So I am just me. And guess what? She seems to be really happy with that. Such a concept.

Want to know how she treats me like a princess? Here is what she did for me last night. My mom (and all those who have been reading for a while know my mom is my HUGE helper with the kids) is gone for two entire weeks enjoying a (much deserved) vacation to Hawaii. So I am on my own with the kids for two weeks. That isn't a bad thing, and I can certainly handle my kids on my own, but it does mean that I spend WAY more time running around doing kid errands and picking them both up than I do when my mom is in town. And because of that I don't get to bill as many hours during the day. So for the past week since my mom has been gone I have been working after they go to bed more than usual and just generally running myself ragged. So back to last night...

She was waiting at my house for me when I got home with both kids at 5:30. When we got inside she completely took over for both kids (who LOVE her btw, and were both screaming for her attention) while I was able to calmly and nicely cook dinner for everyone. We all sat together at the table and enjoyed a nice dinner. Then after dinner she did jammies and read books with the kids while I cleaned up (again without kids screaming at me that they need this...or can I do that for them...). We all played together for a little while and then got the kids in bed. As I mentioned I have not had nearly enough time to work lately so after the kids were in bed I worked for about 45 minutes while she played on her phone and watched TV. When I was done working I came and sat with her to watch one of my favorite shows on TV. During the show she was rubbing my back and mentioned that it felt like I had a ton of tension in my neck. Duh. I always do. At her instruction I sat on the floor while she sat behind me on the couch and gave me the most amazing massage. I have had lots of professional massages before and this one was right up there. So she massaged me while I got to watch one of my favorite TV shows. She did this for 45 minutes. Insane... And after all of that she helped me close up the house and we retired to a different part of the house for...um...other lovely stuff. And while I obviously won't go into details of that portion of my life I will say that it has been a really long time since I have enjoyed the um...finer points of a relationship...and that I have been more than pleasantly surprised in that area as well.

It all seems to lame when I type it out, probably because it isn't just that I appreciate her for her help or for the fact that she gives great back massages. But the things she says to me, and the things she asks about, and the things she actually does...well it is just different than I have ever been treated before. And I am constantly surprised and taken aback at this behavior. And then she looks at me like I'm a silly little fool for being surprised by her behavior. She seems to think that I should have always been treated like this and is constantly in shock that I have never had this before.

So yeah. It's going really well right now. It's still super early and I am not going to be that lesbian talking U Haul or anything crazy. But it's good. It's all good. So if I have been a little quiet over here...I am just trying to live this life and soak up the good parts of it. I hope you are all doing the same.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes...

My baby girl is stressing me out. See, she seems to think that she doesn't want to be a baby anymore. Apparently she didn't get the memo that this is Mommy's last baby and she needs to not grow up so damn quick.

About a week ago, when I was *attempting* to have her take her afternoon nap she had other plans. She didn't think napping was going to happen. So I went into her bedroom and took all of her toys out of her crib and told her to lay down and go to sleep. She begged for one toy to hold onto so I gave in and let her have it, but I told her if she wasn't laying down in 10 minutes then I was coming in and taking that one too. Fast forward 10 minutes and I was back in taking that final toy. She was not pleased. She screamed bloody murder for about 5 minutes and then it got silent. I was meeting with a client at the time so I was glad that she had finally gone to sleep. Or so I thought.

About 10 minutes later I turned on the video monitor to discover that she was no longer IN her bed. Not only that, but she had climbed out and was methodically placing every single one of her toys (that I had taken from her) back into her bed. When she finished that, she played in her room for another 40 minutes before she started knocking on her door to be let out please.

All this to say that she is now climbing out of her crib on a regular basis. However, she is not always so stealth as to make it happen in a safe manner. She wrecked her back this weekend on something...she has informed me that "I crawl out of my crib and I yand on my foot and now my foot is broken." (Drama much?) But either way, I went and bought her a toddler bed this weekend. I am having the new girl put it together for her tonight (one of the many benefits of dating!) so we will see how the transition goes...

*****************

Also, I think I may have mentioned once or twice on here that The Boy's new school is super expensive. :) I am so unbelievably happy with his school that there is no question that I will continue to come up with the money to send him there...but it is a stretch. So I have made another change. I have decided to send The Girl to school on Fridays as well so that I can work. I am super sad to have to make this happen. Not because I am lazy and don't want to work. But because in my head I had hoped to be able to have Fridays with my kids until they entered school. The plan was always to go back to a 5 day work week once they were in Kindergarten, but while they were little I wanted to enjoy one day a week with each of them.

Financially this just isn't a smart decision for me right now. So while I am sad that Peanut and I will not get to continue our Mommy/daughter days, I need to do what is right. And as an added aside, Peanut doesn't seem to appreciate our Mommy/daughter days either right now. Now that we drop off The Boy first in the morning (we used to drop her off first but his kindergarten starts earlier), she gets super mad if she isn't going to school next. So for the past few Friday's we have dropped The Boy off and instead of being happy to be going back home with Mommy, she cries the entire way home telling me, "I big girl too. I want to go to school like brother!" So now I guess she will get her wish. And I will pout sitting at my computer working without either of my babies with me.

Why does this all go so fast?

I Owe You All An Update...

Thank you for those of you who wished me well on my first date in such a long time. And most of you also asked for an update so I am here to give you one.

So a little more background for you first. I contacted her via an online dating site and we ended up exchanging emails for a little over a week, and then that progressed to text messages and finally phone calls. So by the time we met we had been talking for a quite a while and I felt super comfortable talking to her. I really liked all of our conversations and was enjoying getting to know her so I was hoping there would be a spark in person.

We met at a local wine bar for a glass of wine. When I first saw her in person I was shocked at how much she resembled someone I knew. When The Boy was a baby there were two twin sisters who took care of him at their in-home daycare. They called themselves "The Aunties." My date looked SO much like The Aunties. It was...bizarre. I kept trying to get that image out of my mind, but some of the mannerisms even seemed the same and I kept thinking in my head, "I don't want to make out with The Aunties..." (not that there would be any making out that night, but I was just trying to assess whether there would be sparks long term). So it was...weird.

However, like all of our other conversations, it was SO great to talk to her. We sat and had only one glass of wine each and ended up talking from 7:00 until 10:00 that night. I really, really liked her. At the end of the evening we did a quick kiss goodnight in the car. I went home and talked to my mom and step dad (who were watching the kids) about how I felt. I was SUPER confused. I really, really liked her. But I didn't feel any physical spark. I was super bummed about that and was hoping that I could get over the whole resemblance to these other ladies.

We continued talking and texting all week long and I pondered what to do. Even with what had happened at the date, I knew that I didn't want to stop talking to her. I didn't want to have her disappear out of my life at that point. She made me feel pretty amazing. She had all of the qualities that I would look for in another person...she was so nice and self assured, and put together in her life...and just so great in so many ways. So I decided I was going to give it another shot. I invited her over to my house on Friday night after the kids went to bed. My thought was that if I had her in the privacy of my own house for a Friday evening and at the end of the evening I still didn't feel anything then it was probably time to tell her and be honest with her. But I was really hoping that wouldn't be the case.

Turns out I needn't have worried. We ordered a pizza and got a movie and as soon as she walked in the door the vibe felt different...better. And about 20 minutes into the movie when she kissed me--really kissed me for the first time--I felt it all the way down to my toes. All of my previous worries seriously vanished and I let myself enjoy the feeling of being kissed by a pretty amazing person for the very first time in a long, long time.

Friday night was so great that she came back over on Saturday night. She came earlier on that night and met the kids and I cooked us all dinner. The kids absolutely adored her (she knew all the names of every dinosaur and dragon--The Boy thought she was sent directly to him) and because she has kids of her own she fit in very easily to a "normal" evening home with the kids. We had an amazing night on Saturday night and she even came over on Sunday night as well. Things are going beyond well right now. I had such a great weekend...and I am so happy to have met such a fantastic person.

So the moral of the story is...don't necessarily only go for the physical. If your heart feels like you are talking to someone who is worth your time, stick with it. It may go to a great place.

First Date

I am going on a date tonight. This is the first real date I have been on in over 11 years!

I have talked quite a bit to her already so I am sure it is going to go great. I am more excited than anything else. I can't even tell you how strange it feels to be doing this. I'll keep you all posted!

I Hate It

• I hate it that my kid has to have weight checks every 3 months.
• I hate it that the last 3 weight checks have been bad news.
• I hate it that my gastro doctor had to point out that The Boy has not gained an ounce in over 9 months and gave us a one month "hail Mary" to have him gain a little something before it was time to go bad on meds.
• I hate it that at said one month "hail Mary" he hadn't gained anything. Not an ounce.
• I hate it that it's time to put him back on medication.
• I hate watching him take the medication and then suffer the side effects of taking it (extreme tiredness and lethargy).
• I hate it that, although it makes him tired, it does seem to work a little.
• I have having to decide between my kid eating enough to sustain his little life, and my kid being mentally alert enough to grow and thrive.
• I hate that, after 5 years...I am still talking about this.

I'm SO That Parent Right Now

I apologize for what you're about to see, but for documentation purposes I feel that I must show the artwork that came home with The Boy after his first week in Kindergarten. He used to be able to bring his stuff home everyday after he finished it. He has wanted so badly to bring his stuff home at the end of each school day only to be told it must wait for Friday. So when I picked up him on Friday he was bursting at the seems.

It appears that he spent a good portion of his first week drawing. And these are his favorites. I think he's doing pretty damn good. :)

It appears this is "part of the ocean but I didn't have time to finish the water." So that is a jelly fish, a star fish, a giant squid, and a cat fish.

This is his page of bugs and things that fly.
There must have been some talk about this bird this week because there were quite a few versions of this. According to his writing at the bottom, this is a "short tailed albatross"
This is apparently a dinosaur getting attacked by a flying dinosaur and then him flying away.
And his personal favorite...and the one that is hanging on my fridge right now, this is a monarch butterfly. He traced this and then colored it in. All the other ones were free-hand, but this one was traced. But he knows I love these so he made it just for me.
I am still just completely warm, fuzzy over his new kindergarten. I feel like I made SUCH a good choice. More later on that...

Hope everyone is enjoying their long weekend!

SO Out of Practice

I mentioned in one of my previous posts that I have ventured into the world of online dating. Right now I am registered on two sites. The experience has been...interesting.

***Let me take a moment to say that the stuff I am about to mention reflects my personal tastes and attractions in women FOR ME. I am in no way trying to offend anyone, but like with all people, there are certain "types" that I tend to be more attracted to than others. Doesn't mean I don't think those other "types" are wrong in any way, shape or form. It's just that I might not want to date them...

Okay with that out of the way, let me say that the online dating experience started off pretty much as I expected. I tend to mostly be categorized as a "femme" or a lipstick lesbian because I am very feminine looking, I wear makeup, I dress like a girl and most people who run into me on the street do not know that I am gay upon meeting me. Because of this I tend to mostly attract the more "butch" looking women. So the first several people who contacted me fell into this category. Unfortunately for me, as a general statement, this is not the type of woman I am attracted to. Of course there are some exceptions, but for the most part, my ideal mate would also be categorized as a "femme" as well. So while I chatted with several of these women, none of them presented an attraction to me. But it was a nice way to sort of dip my toe back into the waters, for lack of a better term.

I have also contacted several women that I was interested in or attracted to and I ended up being in the place where I was emailing back and forth with two women. And this is where I tell you that I am SO out of practice at this. The last time I was "dating" was 1999. I have "dated" a total of 3 women total in my entire life, and the last one was my Ex whom I was with from 2000 until 2008 (off and on at the end). And since 2008 I have been nothing but a mom. So this whole experience is completely new to me.

These are the things that I have learned so far through this process.

• I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing
• I need to start thinking about myself as something other than a "mom."
• I have no clothes at all that could be considered sexy
• Women are much bolder than I am used to

However there are also some good things that I have learned so far.

• Flirting can actually be kind of fun
• It's important to remember that I am a person too...not just a mom
• It's a nice ego boost to have other people tell you that you're pretty and sexy
• There IS life after a breakup and kids

As of now, I am really only chatting with one woman. She has a 4 year old daughter at home so she understands a lot of how my life is right now. And because of both of us being single moms we haven't made the time to try and get babysitters and meet yet. We are talking on instant message every couple of days and getting to know each other. She lives about an hour away from me and appears to be a regular woman with a full time job and a life. I like that about her. The "getting to know each other" phase is pretty fun. We will just have to see where it all ends up. Neither of us is looking to find "the one" and jump into some crazy relationship, but it would be nice to have someone to go on a date with every once in a while. Hopefully soon we can arrange a meeting.

So that's been my experience in online dating so far. Strange, yet fun, yet scary, yet exhilarating. I'll keep you all posted. :)

He's a School Boy Now...

Tomorrow is the official first day of school, but The Boy has gone to his new kindergarten both yesterday and today for half days. He also went on Friday to meet his teachers and check out his classroom. All of this combined with an afternoon at the park yesterday with his classmates has made the transition into kindergarten a great one.

I worried so, so much...remember all the posts? The great kindergarten debate? Well, things fell into place like they usually do. Randomly running into one of his old teachers in the Trader Joe's parking lot (who told me about the school he is in now) changed everything for the better. Yes, this is a private school, which was NOT my first choice. Not only for the money part of it, but because I went to public school...I wanted to support my local public schools. But it just wasn't in the cards. And you know what? It was the best decision I could have made.

I cannot tell you how awesome his classroom is. I walk around that place and think, man I would love to learn here. And apparently, The Boy feels the same. This morning he asked me if he was going back to kindergarten and I told him yes. "Hooray!!" he cheered. When we got ready to leave this morning he grabbed his lunch box, his water bottle and said, "Ready to go to kindergarten!" as he ran out the door. We got there a few minutes early today and his classroom wasn't open yet. He was so excited to get to check out all the books in the library. He looked up at me, sitting there with his little eyes shining..."I am going to learn SO MUCH STUFF in this school Mommy..." And he will.

And I am more proud of him than I ever thought I could be. My biggest goal during all of the choices and stresses about getting him into a good school was wanting him to continue his love of learning. My child (probably all children) LOVES to learn. And I just didn't want that fire to go out. I wanted to keep that fire burning for a really long time. And with his new school? I think that fire will be burning for the next 6 years at least!

Here he is on Monday morning...again, not the official "first day of school photo" (that will come tomorrow morning), but this was the first morning we went to the new school. Note the pose? He did that himself. He was so excited that he was dancing. Can't ask for much more than that.

Now remind me of all of this in future years when I am complaining that I am in the poor house as a result of my child's education...

Pictures from Our Trip to the Mountains

This is my two babies playing on my very favorite lake in the whole world. And also the very same lake that I used to play in when I was their age...

A picture of said lake, sans children:
Wading in the water and throwing a ton of rocks = great time had by all!
My big boy...when did this happen?
A little love between Mommy and Peanut on the deck of my cabin:
Because, OF COURSE you have to read books in the house with your sunglasses on...
The Boy, The Ex and my cousin going on a boat ride:
Peanut, myself and my cousin enjoying a boat ride:
The Boy being goofy while we were out on the boat:
Peanut trudging through the "forest" (actually the way to the parking lot):
Look! The Boy caught a moth!
He was also obsessed with the stuffed quail of my grandfather's from inside the cabin:
Right before we left we went to a place to feed the fishies. They loved it!
Of course The Boy ran all the way around the little pond to make sure ALL the fish got some food...
Once they were out of food, they just sat and watched them...
Shortly after that, we headed home. Such a wonderful trip!

Hello!!

Since apparently the few readers that I still have are wondering if I'm alive and well, I feel like I should put a little something up here. And to answer that question, yes, we are all alive and well. Things are going great actually. It's been a busy summer and for once, I am trying to enjoy it and get away from the computer a little bit. As I have alluded to before, I went through a little rough patch in July but I am happy to say that things are much better and that thanks to a great therapist and the help of a pharmaceutical I feel better than I have in years. Depression is something I have struggled with on and off ever since college. I have been on anti depressants since that time, but went off of them both times when I had my kids. Shortly after The Boy was born, and around the time when my marriage fell apart, I went back on them. Then I weaned off again to get pregnant with The Girl and had been off them for 3 years since then. Well The Boy's repeated sicknesses and his battle with weight combined with the stress it takes to raise two kids by yourself, own your own business, and try and stay in your house during a horrific recession all stacked up against me and I hit a pretty low point. About the middle of July I decided it was time to go back on the meds. Best decision I have made in a long time. I feel like a new person. So if things have been quiet over here, that's pretty much why. Life was really overwhelming and then I had to deal with the inevitable side effects of going back on medication (all which have gone away at this point), and well... Here we are.

So enough of the depressing stuff. I will try and give you a quick rundown of what we've been up to. First let's start with The Boy. As I mentioned, he was really sick and lost a ton of weight and at our last gastro appointment (he gets weight checks every couple of months), I got "the look" from our doctor. He had not gained one ounce in over 6 months, and for a little dude like him, that is NOT good news. Our usual three month weigh-ins have been changed to monthly and when we go back in a couple of weeks, if there is no improvement we are going to have to put him back on an appetite stimulating medication.

I have been rethinking my stance on his food intake a lot recently. Up until lately my thoughts have been that since he puts SO little in his body in the first place, I need to make what actually goes in count. And because of that I make sure most of the things he eats are healthy and high in protein and/or carbs. I don't want him to load up on sugar just to get the calories and then crash down. So if he asked me for some Pringles or something I would usually say, "how about an apple," or "how about a string cheese." Now I am not so sure if this is the right method anymore. Maybe I just need to load him up on a ton of Oreos or something. I just don't know. But it sure is frustrating. It continues to be a work in progress.

Other than that he is doing great. He starts kindergarten at the Private Montessori school next week and he is super excited. This is his last week at his current preschool, which I LOVE, so I am sad about that. But if The Girl ever decides she will pee pee in the potty we can send her there, so hopefully we will see them again soon. He is still firmly in the dinosaur obsession and is also super into coloring and drawing right now. Still my happy little sweetheart that I love more than life.

The Girl is also doing good. I don't really know what to say about her except that she is a total character. She is so freaking funny, she makes me laugh all the time. She is also super stubborn and if she's in a mood? Watch out! But her language skills amaze me on a daily basis, her facial expressions are priceless and watching her dance is one of my favorite pasttimes. I just adore that little girl. She has fire and she has spunk. I'll post some new pictures soon.

We took a wonderful vacation up to my cabin in the mountains a couple of weeks ago and it was amazing. I have been going to that cabin since I was 2 and to now get to see my kids fall in love with it? Really an emotional experience. My son slept in the bunk bed that I always slept in. Both of my kids instantly fell in love with sitting in the river throwing rocks. They both talked all about the nature and the lakes and going out in the boat... It really filled up my emotional tank spending that time with them. Again, once I get home, I will post some pictures from that for you all to see. (I'm blogging at work...ssshhhh...don't tell).

On a totally personal note, when I was in the midst of the depression crap I had a hard time eating and as a result lost about 15 pounds. I have kept it off and added a few more to the loss column, so I am looking much better than I have in a few years. I have actually had to go out and buy some new clothes. But between that, and my meds, I feel great. And I have actually put myself out there on a couple of online dating sights. It's fun emailing and getting to know new people although I haven't gone out on any actual dates yet. But it's fun and for the first time in years, I feel like I am actually doing something for me. And that's nice. So there's that. :)

So that's what's been going on lately. I am going to try and get back into blogging again and keep you all up to date on how The Boy's new school goes as well as the other crazy escapades of our lives. If you are still here and still reading, thanks! Hope everyone had a great summer!

Greetings!

It's been almost a month since I last posted. Lots of things going on over here keeping me away from the blog. The first thing was that The Boy got another nasty stomach flu. And man...when you have a kid that's "failure to thrive" to start with, and when they barf out the contents of their stomach, there just isn't much to fall back on. So the poor boy was so dehydrated and exhausted that he almost had to go into the hospital a couple of times. He was so lethargic that he could not stand up, lift up an arm, or even his head. He had to be carried to the bathroom for the ONE time a day that he would go. It was scary and horrific and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. He woke up Thursday night the 7th in the middle of the night barfing and it took him until Sunday the 16th to be "back to normal." It was a long road. Even though he stopped barfing relatively early on, he just had no energy. I sent him back to school the following Tuesday and got a call about 1:00pm that he was laying down on the cement during play time. ...and off to pick him up! He never did make it through a whole day of school that entire week. Very, scary.

And then, the following Thursday, when The Boy was still recovering, I went in to get The Girl from her crib in the morning and she informed me that all of her friends were "wet." Yup, wet cause she had barfed on them at some point during the night. It almost pushed me over the edge. But fortunately she handles sickness better than her brother and that morning she was drinking water and eating Ritz Crackers. And although things did come out the other end of her all weekend long, that is MUCH preferable to me than barf. I freaking hate barf.

So it was a really long two weeks. Add to that some anxiety issues I was having worrying about The Boy and frankly...things weren't too fun in our house. But I am happy to report that everyone seems relatively healthy right now (knock on wood!) and we are all doing better.

*********************

For updating perspective, The Girl has found her opinion. On EVERYTHING!!! She now insists on picking out her own shoes in the morning. She has songs that she loves to hear in the car, and other songs that she screams, "Turn it OFF! I no like it!!!" Certain clothes she will wear perfectly happy one day and then the next day she acts like they are burning her skin if they come into contact with her. She declares food, "Dis is great! I love it!" and then, "I no like this one. Dis one is bad." She has certain crayons that she likes better (colors) than others, she has certain cars that are better to play with than others, she has certain movies that she enjoys and others that she hates and will make watching them miserable for anyone who tries to enjoy them (especially her brother).

She is definitely two. And more often than not, she is a joy to be around. But when she isn't? Man... Her brother has NEVER once made half the stink she has in his entire life. Yesterday we were buying new shoes for her at a department store and she thought it was hysterical to run away from me and hide. I did not find this quite as amusing. I told her several times to stop and stay with Mommy. When she didn't, and it was time for me to pay (therefore not allowing me to chase her all over creation), I put her in the stroller and strapped her in. She threw such a fit and screamed so loud that I thought she was going to shatter glass. I was totally "that mom" with "that kid." So we left. And then she was fine. I would say she is wonderful about 70% of the time right now and a nightmare about 30% of the time. I guess those are decent odds for a 2 year old?

The Boy's newest obsession is tracing paper and tracing pictures out of his books. He is a complete perfectionist and he tries to draw [insert random object here] and if it isn't 100% exactly how he wants it to look then he bursts into tears and tells me he's a horrible boy. It's fun--NOT. So in order to get him to have more successful experiences than not, I bought him some tracing paper and that seems to be doing the trick. He has spent probably four hours total tracing and coloring since I bought the pad yesterday. Success.

And the thing he is tracing most often? His newest love: Dinosaurs. He has officially gone through all the "typical" boy loves: Thomas the Train, Cars, Bob the Builder, Spiderman, Bugs, and now dinosaurs. (Although he still loves him some bugs). But he loves anything dinosaurs now. So in addition to my new found knowledge of the difference between a Draco lizard and a Basilisk Lizard, I can now tell you the different between Spinosaurus and Diplodocus. If I were a 5 year old I would RULE!

And as for me? I've just been trying to get through the days. Things are getting better now and I am feeling more like myself, but man...the past few weeks have been rough. Here's hoping we can finish up summer on a happy (& healthy) note. And here's hoping I will get back to writing on the blog. I miss it.