Sunday, September 7, 2008

It Was Inevitable

So Friday was my birthday.  I turned 34 years old.  In a lot of ways, I am really the luckiest person alive.  I have amazing friends, and awesome family, and between The Boy and the little fetus thing (man do I have to come up with a better name...) that is supposedly growing inside of me, I feel really complete.  I honestly do.  And to just show you how ridiculous I am, let me tell you about my weekend.

Thursday night I went out with my best friend from high school to this restaurant and had the best scallops in a wild mushroom and asparagus risotto with some crab artichoke dip that almost made me weep it was so good.  Then on Friday, my actual birthday, my mom and I went out to lunch and then hit the mall to try and find me some birthday treats.  Now I mentioned this before but I am so unbelievably bloated that nothing in my size would fit.  So my mom mentioned that maybe I wanted to try on some maternity things since that appears to be where my life is heading.  So I did.  And I looked like a little girl playing dress up.  Way too early for that.  So with disappointment, I headed through Nordstrom on my way out and found a really cute zip up fancy hoodie thing, and a couple of shirts.  So that made me happy.

Then Friday night my cousin was coming to spend the night (for unrelated reasons, just happened to coincide with my birthday, but it was fabulous to see her) and The Gay Boyfriends were supposed to come over and bring king crab legs for dinner; my favorite.  My cousin came, and eventually the boyfriends showed up but they hadn't had time to get the crab legs so we ordered out, which ended with them coming home from picking up the food quite crabby because they had gotten in a fight while waiting.  They were very sweet and got me a gift card to previously mentioned department store and had put together a picture frame with 3 pictures from our recent trip up to my cabin.  Of course I cried.  That seems to be what I do right now.  :)  But overall it really was a lovely day.

Then on Saturday The Boy and I went up to have lunch with my 92 year old grandmother, which she loves and we love as well.  Then later on in the afternoon I hosted a BBQ to celebrate my birthday and my other grandmother's (who turned 86) birthday.  As it always goes when all the cousins get together, it was a bit chaotic at times, but The Boy so loves playing with his cousins.  And by the end of the evening after everyone left I was truly touched as to how wonderful my family really is.  We all live in close proximity to one another and for the most part, we all get along really well.  I am so, so, so lucky to have the people in my life that I do.  My son is lucky to be able to grow up with his cousins and family so close that he sees them almost two or three times a month.  We are both tremendously lucky and my heart feels how amazingly special that is.

But at the end of the night, after everyone had gone home, and after The Boy was asleep, I got kind of sad.  Blame it on the hormones, but it happened.  Even despite all of the amazing things I just described above, it does occur to me that for right now, I am alone in this world (and by alone, I mean single).  The Ex and I couldn't make things work, and the fact remains that I am pregnant and alone.  That is sad to me.  Not sad enough to lose sight of how lucky I really am in the big picture, but sad enough to sit on my couch, bloated and fat from a great evening of food and cake, and feel just a little bit sorry for myself that my life hasn't turned out how I planned it.  Believe it or not, I never wanted to be a single mom.  I never wanted to be creating my family without the presence of another woman there to share it all with.  I wanted the two parent household and the white picket fence.  I guess in some ways we all want some version of that.  And most days I am content with what I have ended up with.  A beautiful son who sang happy birthday to me for the first time, and a family that loves and supports me, and wonderful friends who wish me the best.  But, if I'm being greedy, it would have been nice to have someone sitting there on that couch with me last night holding my hand marveling with me about our good fortune.

Since I have found out I was pregnant, I have spent a lot of time telling people that I planned this.  That I desperately wanted this and explaining the ways that I made it happen.  I have been telling people that it is okay that I am doing this alone.  That I knew what I was doing and that I took steps to make sure that I could make it happen without any detriment to my son or my future child.  And all of that is true.  But maybe on birthdays we think more about wishes and wants.  And I didn't want to do it this way.  This wasn't my intention.  But with the little curves that life has thrown me so far, I made a choice to not let those curves kills ALL of my dreams.  I have continued to fight for what is important to me.  But every once in a while, when my guard goes down, I am sad for what isn't.

1 comment:

AuntFancy said...

To quote my favorite movie, "Rudy", "Having dreams is what makes life tolerable." So never give up your wishes, hopes an dreams. ;-)