Wednesday, September 10, 2008


Okay I feel as though I need to put up the disclaimer. I am not very good at early pregnancy. I was HORRIBLE at it with The Boy, and the way things are lining up, it doesn't look like I am going to be all flowers and sunshine this time around either. Like a lot of other people, I am aware that some people read this blog that are still trying to get pregnant and would do virtually ANYTHING to be in the position that I am in. So in an effort to not be a complete asshole, I have tried to not write about some of the unpleasant things associated with early pregnancy. I am now realizing that if I continue on this vein, then my blog posts will be short and (not so) sweet for probably the next 6 - 10 weeks. Not only is that boring and totally unrepresentative of my life, but it isn't MY truth. And the reason I started this blog was to be able to talk about my truths, no matter how crappy they may be. So I am going to proceed with caution.

***If you don't want to read about the shitty side of pregnancy, just skip the rest of this post, okay? Thanks...*****

When I got pregnant with The Boy, I was thrilled for about a week. And then the morning/all day sickness set in. Somehow I didn't feel as thrilled after that. I think that for people who have tried for a long time to get pregnant, we (meaning ME) somehow think that once we see those double pink lines that we have succeeded. We have done what we tried so hard to do! Frivolity and joy may commence now. And if for some reason that doesn't happen? Well you feel doubly shitty. Not only do you feel physically shitty, but you have all this guilt associated with not feeling like this is the best thing that has ever happened to you. And if you are lucky enough to have a partner who has gone through this journey with you? Then damnit you need to be happy for them as well. They have gone through this journey with you, and they too feel like they succeeded when they get to see those double pink lines. But, they don't feel like they have the worst hangover of mankind FOR MONTHS ON END, and therefore they get understandably upset when you keep telling them that you just want to die. Again, I am talking about my own experience here. It was really tough the first time around because I genuinely wanted to be nothing but thrilled and happy and looking at all the books and baby clothes and oh happy, happy, joy, joy. BUT that wasn't how I felt. I didn't want to see the damn books, or the damn clothes, or think about a damn baby name because I simply wanted to be left alone, lying on my couch waiting for death to overtake me. And I will be did some damage. The Ex retreated and by the time I felt like this pregnancy WAS an amazing thing (there is light at the end of the tunnel), she was long gone with her enthusiasm. And who could blame her? I tried to "bring her back," but really a lot of the damage had been done. So that brings me to where I am this current pregnancy.

I had a pretty good idea that this pregnancy would go similarly to the last one. Sure there are all those people who tell you that each pregnancy is different, and that if you got sick last time, that doesn't necessarily mean you were going to get sick this time...blah, blah, blah... But if you really press people and ask them specifically about their own pregnancies, I have yet to find a person who was sick the first time around, but NOT sick the second time around. (Feel free to prove me wrong if you know someone who this happened to...I would love to hear it). So each day that has passed without feeling like death I have taken as a blessing. But a blessing I know will be short lived. And the one thing I have looked forward to is that this time I am doing it alone. I know that sounds CRAZY!! but at least I won't have to try and be happy for someone else. If I am miserable, then I am miserable, but at least I won't be dragging down someone else's happiness. I had visions of laying on the couch wanting to die, but doing it alone and being able to blissfully moan, and toss and turn, and yell about how horrible I felt, ALL BY MYSELF. Inflicting no negativity on anyone else who would care (of course The Boy is always happily sleeping in bed in my visions...). And you know what? I am getting my wish. There isn't someone there to judge me and remind me that each pregnancy is a blessing, and couldn't I possibly look on the bright side to the beautiful child that I am creating.

But the flip side? There isn't someone there. Period. And I am one giant ball of hormonal mess and yuckness. And that person who I so judgingly tried to make understand that she couldn't possibly know how horrible this felt, and how I was really downplaying it all just for her benefit, she isn't there to bring me cold wash cloths to put on my head. And she isn't there to get up early and make me a plate of melba toast with peanut butter on it and slide it by my bedside so I could try and eat it laying down before I even moved in the morning. And she isn't there to remind me that each pregnancy is a blessing and that I am creating a beautiful child. It's just me. It's just me feeling like I have a hangover and having to get out of bed and do something about it. And do it all before The Boy wakes up in the morning. And I won't even tell you how every time I see The Boy, I feel like throwing my arms around him and sobbing and promising him that nothing will change and that his Mommy is sorry for doing this to us, and...and...and...

Fuck. Pregnancy hormones suck. That is all there is to it. And I know that this will pass. I have approximately 6 to 10 more weeks of feeling like this and then I will enter the blissful stage of pregnancy. I know I can make it. And I know it is going to get worse before it gets better. I was 6 weeks pregnant yesterday and if I am being totally truthful, the sickness isn't all that horrible yet. Yes, I would say that it's here. But it isn't horrific yet. I can still function. And most times right now I can still eat something, or do something to make it mostly go away. But I can see my future...I can smell it. And it ain't pretty.

If there is anyone who is still trying to conceive who made it through this entire post (god bless ANYONE who could make it through this entire post), then all I ask is to be kind to yourself. WHEN (not if, when) you actually achieve your pregnancy, if it isn't all sunshine and roses, give yourself a break. Sometimes the beginning of pregnancy is hard. No matter what it took you to get there. So just buck up, and acknowledge the suckiness of it all. It will pass. And you will get to that amazing point in pregnancy where you no longer look just fat, and where you get to feel your baby move for the first time, and where you get to find out the sex of your little one. That is what makes it all worth it. And you will get there. And I will get there. I am reminding myself as much as I am reminding you... Thanks for reading. I needed to get that out.

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