Saturday, September 5, 2009

35 Is Pretty Damned Good

Today is my birthday. I am 35 years old. I am good with that. Really, really good.

When I turned 33 years old I wasn't so good with it. As long as I can remember I have had certain goals. I wanted to find my "true love" by 28. I wanted to own a home by 30. And I wanted to be done having two kids by 35.

When I met The Ex at age 26 and fell in love I just knew that I had made my first goal. At 28 we were still very much in love and I was trying to get pregnant. Later that year I bought my first home. I mentally smiled as I checked my goals off the list. I was living the life that I had always dreamed. I was going to make it all happen. When I finally got pregnant and gave birth to The Boy I was 31 years old. My dreams were reality. I was on top of the world.

And then it all came crashing down. The Ex told me when The Boy was 4 months old that she wasn't sure if she loved me anymore. She wasn't sure if she "could do it" anymore. She moved out on his 6 month birthday. We spent the next two years in counseling before it was officially over. During that process, and after, I mourned the loss of my relationship. But even more I think I mourned the loss of my dreams and my goals. I no longer had my "true love," and while I still had the house, who knew if I could afford to keep it being single. And most devastating was the fact that The Boy would grow up as an only child.

When I turned 33 I remember thinking that I had lost the goal of love, and that there was no way that I would make my final goal of having two kids before the age of 35. I had a hard time coming to terms with that. And if you have read my blog from the beginning you know how it all turned out. And for those of you who haven't read from the beginning I will give you the nutshell version.

I decided that I didn't have to let that final dream of two kids go. I decided to fight for my own destiny and fight for The Boy to have a sibling, and fight for the life that I had always wanted. And fight I did. And now I have my beautiful 3 1/2 year old son and my 4 month old daughter and I feel so blessed. A boy and a girl. My beautiful kids. They have given more to my life than anyone else on this planet (except perhaps my mother).

I woke up this morning, the morning of turning 35 to the sweet sound of "Mommy, I wake!" from the room next door to mine. I went in to greet my son and he stood up and wrapped his arms around my neck and gave me a big hug and said, "Today you birfday Mommy?" I smiled and nodded at him. "Well den I you best present!"

Yes, you don't know how right you are my boy.

Fifteen minutes later my daughter woke up from her spot next to me in my bed with a smile. She grinned at me and then looked past me to see her big brother and smiled even wider. I rested there in bed, with my two kids, and I knew that I had made it. Rather than today being a day that I felt sorry for myself for what I didn't have and what I didn't achieve, I had the two most important things in my life right there next to me showing me that you can make your life what you want it to be. It's hard and things didn't go as I had planned (and damn if I don't love a good plan) but I am here and I feel great. I still own my house and I have my two kids. It's true that I still haven't found that love part, but with hope, that will come in time. Right now I am choosing to focus on my family. Very soon I will be ready to venture out into the scary world of dating, but right now, today, things are as they should be.

Later tonight I will be going out to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants with my mom, my step dad, my grandmother and my kids. Then tomorrow morning my best gay boyfriend (who also happens to be a certified massage therapist) is giving me a massage while his boyfriend watches the kids. Then later on tomorrow evening they are both coming over to fix me king crab legs for dinner. My very fave. I have gotten texts and phone calls and emails from lots of people who love me today and I just feel so lucky. I live a very full and wonderful life thanks to all the fabulous people who surround me. To all of you who know me in real life, thank you for making my life rich. And to all of my internet readers who don't know me in real life, you bring something to my life as well. This internet community helped me for years before I even engaged and started writing my own blog. And I appreciate the comments and emails from all of you.

The main thing I have learned in my 35 years on this planet is that life is what you make of it. It will never be what you plan, or end up exactly how you want it to be, but your life will be what you fight to make happen. I intend to keep on fighting for years to come and hopefully one day all of my dreams will be fulfilled.

3 comments:

Jenny said...

Happy birthday, and congratulations on making the relly important dreams come true!

AuntFancy said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! A massage AND crab legs on top of all the other wonderful things in your life sounds wonderful! You totally deserve it. ;)

Billy said...

Happy Birthday :-)