Tough Day

I have spoken before on here about my son's speech issues and how recently he has been stuttering. Things had gotten much better over the last couple of weeks and some days he is perfectly fine. It really seems to depend on the day and on what kind of emotional state he is in. Things took a turn for the worse again when my mom left to go to Carmel last week, but overall we had been doing much better.

In fact last week as we were leaving speech therapy he was walking silently next to me, holding my hand and kicking rocks as we walked back to the car. He seemed to be thinking about something. He sorta stopped and looked up at me and said, "Not too many bumpy words today Mommy. I do good."

My heart almost broke in half.

My sweet little dude has to worry about "bumpy words." He knows so much more than I give him credit for.

I hugged him and told him that, yes, he did great that day. And made sure he knew that Mommy will always love him. Bumpy words and all. That image of him looking up at me and telling me that has stuck with me. And tonight I couldn't get it out of my mind.

He was trying to tell us something at dinner tonight. It was something about a book and about the earth (he is learning about planets at school and LOVES it) and about Hawaii. How it all related to each other...I have no idea. And he couldn't get out what he wanted to get out. And again, my heart almost broke in half.

You see tonight I could see it on his face. I could read the frustration. And I think tonight might have been the first time that no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't get it out. He wasn't stuttering per se. He wasn't getting stuck on one word. He couldn't even get the sound out. He was making faces and contorting his little face to try and get it out. And he couldn't. I think the concept he was trying to explain was more advanced and he didn't even know which words to use to get it out. And that coupled with the frustration of not being able to get out the words he knew he did want to use made it just too much. And he gave up. My boy gave up. And I will never know exactly what he was trying to tell me.

It is something small, but really, it is so much bigger than that.

And after he couldn't get out that concept he moved on to talk about something else. And that something else he went to right after being stuck was when he "was sad." When he was sad because Mommy was in the hospital and not at home with him.

Just put a dagger through my heart. Kill me now.

Five minutes later he was fine. He was having his skittles for dessert and talking fine and wanting to watch "the dancing show" so he could "shake his bon bon." And he did just that. He had a smile on his face and he danced and he shook his little butt and had a great rest of the evening.

I, however, have not recovered yet. When he was reading a book with my step dad and I was nursing the baby I lost it. I cried and cried. And then I pulled it together before he came back into the room. And I held it together until I went to sing him sunshine before he went to sleep. I barely made it through the song and was able to scoot out the door before the tears fell again.

It just isn't fair. This little boy of mine just can't catch a goddamned break. Poor little dude is smaller than all the other kids and now he can't talk so good. And it breaks my heart.

They don't tell you about this kind of stuff in Parenting 101.