Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Donor Daddy Visits

The Boy's known donor came into town for a visit this week.  He moved out of state about a year ago and comes into town periodically.  Generally when he is in town he stops by the see The Boy.

A little background...we have had a bit of a rocky relationship in the past.  Donor Daddy offered to be a known donor to The Ex and I way back when...  We discussed everything prior to doing any inseminations and all three of us felt comfortable with the situation when we finally got to the point of trying to get pregnant.  I got pregnant the first month we tried (I had previously been trying to get pregnant with frozen sperm for THREE LONG YEARS with no success).

Initially things were okay.  Then it got a little weird.  When The Ex left me, donor Daddy felt like he needed to step in and be that "parent" to The Boy.  I felt threatened and pulled away.  It's a long story but basically it was tough for all of us.  Donor Daddy didn't expect to have the feelings he did (he is a single guy with no kids of his own) and was overwhelmed with the emotion of having a son that he wasn't "allowed" to raise.  I felt like he was going back on all that we had talked about and was constantly paranoid that he would sue for custody and therefore always was "on guard."  This went on like this for quite a while.  If I am being honest, I was very relieved when he moved out of state.

Since then things have gotten much better.  I should also mention that I have NEVER told him that he couldn't see his son.  Not once.  However there were many times when a visit was schedule and he just wouldn't show up, or he would call an hour late and tell me he wasn't in the "right frame of mind" to see The Boy.  Overall I would say that he has probably seen his son maybe 10 to 20 times in his entire life.  But he is a good guy.  He gave me the greatest gift anyone could give.  My precious boy.  And there is no doubt that he loves his son and wants what is best for him.  He wants so much to be a good Dad to his son and struggles with wanting to do that but also giving me the boundaries that he knows The Ex and I need.  It is a sticky situation with a lot of emotion on all sides.  No matter what, I just want what is best for my boy.

I have always liked the idea of a known donor because I think every kid, no matter what, will always come to a point in their life where they want to know where they came from.  I want to be able to give my kids as much information where that is concerned as I can.  And even through all the emotional stuff that went on between donor Daddy and myself, the only thing I have ever wanted was for him to not hurt or disappoint our son and hopefully be there one day when he has questions.  I am confident that he will be that person.

That being said, the last time he was in town he was upset with me because I wasn't referring to him as "Daddy" to The Boy.  I was calling him by his name.  He sorta got in my face about it and I got right back in his and told him why.  The Boy was only two.  He is in school and he hears about a Mommy and a Daddy everyday.  I didn't want him to have an association with "Daddy" and have it be a negative one.  He knows his friends have Daddy's.  He knows they come home from work at the end of the day and take them out to play.  I didn't want him to feel bad that he never sees his.  Plus, like I said, he was only two years old.  It would be hard to explain the dynamics of the situation to him.  "You have two Mommies and yes, you do have a Daddy, but he isn't really your parent, because see he was very generous and wanted Mom and Mommy to be able to have you and raise you but we had this agreement..."  You get my drift.  

Every time Donor Daddy comes into town he usually brings something for The Boy.  Last time he was in town he brought him a stuffed Rhino.  When we were moving The Boy from the nursery into his big boy room we moved the rhino with it.  At that point I told him it was from his Daddy (he was over three years old at this point).  He stopped dead in his tracks and looked at me.  "My Daddy?" he asked.  

"Yup.  Your Daddy."  

"Where is he?"

"He lives in another state."

"Oh.  Okay."

And that was it.  No more mention of it.  But about a week later he started playing with the rhino and wanting to sleep with it.  Then he started telling anyone who would listen that his rhino was from his Daddy.  It was kind of sweet actually.  It was like he had been let into this club that all the other kids belonged to.  He had a Daddy and although he couldn't verbalize exactly what was going on in his little head, it seemed to be quite important to him.  Since then I have been telling him about his Daddy when he brings it up.  I don't make a big issue out of it, but he knows who he is and he knows that he lives somewhere else.  

That brings us to today.  Today was the first day that Donor Daddy visited and was actually known as the Daddy.  When he walked in and said hi to The Boy, The Boy said, "My Daddy is here."  Donor Daddy swelled up with tears and just looked over at me and mouthed "Thank you."  The Boy was thrilled to see him and referred to him as Daddy several times and spent the evening playing with him and showing him his new big boy room and introducing him to his sister.  And I can't deny the physical similarities between the two of them.  For the very first time since I conceived The Boy, I was genuinely happy with the decision I had made.  The Boy has a Daddy and can know who he is and talk to him and ask questions and be a part of his life.  But he seems to understand that "Daddy" just comes for visits and to play and the The Ex and I are the primary parents in his life.  The Ex came over tonight as well and The Boy was very clear with knowing we were his parents but that Daddy was there to visit and to play.

Overall, I am just so happy with how it has all gone down.  Like I alluded to above (the full story would be WAY too long for this blog post), this has been a long and bumpy road.  But tonight I finally feel at peace.  I am no longer threatened in any way and I think that Donor Daddy finally feels like he has been given the place in his son's life that he has always desired.  And most importantly of all, I think The Boy will have the best of both worlds.  He knows that he has two Mommy's who are his parents.  But when the other kids ask him about his Daddy he doesn't have to say, "I don't have one."  He can say he has one and he lives far away.  And he can know who he is and have him be a part of his life if he desires.  I try so hard to do right by this sticky situation that has resulted in these two amazing kids of mine.  I just want what's best for them and for them to always know how much they were wanted and how many people around them love them.  I think we are on the right track.


AuntFancy said...

Oh, awesome! I'm so glad to hear that the visit went well. ;)

AussieJenn said...

I just found my way to your blog by way of Cali and have so far only read this entry, but wanted to say thank you for sharing. Your thoughts on your son's "donor daddy" and the use of the word "daddy" as well as the success of this visit (quite touching) have been helpful as my partner and I help our 5 year old son get a grasp of his "donor dad" situation.