The Next Phase?

When I look back on my life thus far, it is definitely broken up into different "chapters." Of course when you're little the chapters are defined by school. For me they are pre-parents divorce elementary, post-parents divorce elementary, then Junior High and High School. After that there is the obvious college chapter. And then the post-college, partying a lot, living in an awesome studio above a coffee shop 'chapter.' Then for me there was the "coming out" chapter. I figured out during that time that I was gay and dated a couple of girls and generally just enjoyed that feeling of, "oh THIS is what I was supposed to be doing the entire time."

Then I met The Ex and we went into the next chapter of love, life, commitment ceremony, buying a house and trying to have kids 'chapter.' Then we finally got pregnant and I had The Boy and we went immediately into the breakup of the marriage, Ex leaving me, sick kid phase of my life. That was a rough one. No doubt about it. Then the next phase was probably me deciding to have The Girl, getting pregnant and having her, and dealing with being a single mom to two small kids all by myself phase. This phase lasted up until a few months ago. I was so overwhelmed with trying to do it all, and do it all well, that there was absolutely NO time for myself or for anything besides getting through each day and trying to take time during those days to appreciate and love the kids I fought so hard to get.

And then everything changed. As I have spoken about before, I hit a really rough time around July of this year. The Boy had gotten sick and for whatever reason the depression that I have fought for the better part of my adult life returned with a vengeance and it became obvious that something had to change. So since I was done nursing The Girl and was done having kids in general I agreed to go back on anti depressants. When I look back now, I think this was the catalyst that started all the things that are happening now.

About a month after starting back on the medication I began to feel like my old self. Not the self that I had been for the past 5 years, but the self I had been before that. The person that actually felt a lot of joy and began to look at life as something to be lived as opposed to something to just 'get through.' I started actually enjoying my kids again. I lost 25 pounds and am back at the same weight I was in high school. And I decided it was time to consider dating again. Not only did I put myself out there, but I was the one who decided to contact the woman who is now my girlfriend and pursue her. That never would have happened before.

And in mid-September one of the gay boyfriends came to me and said he thought it might be time to take on a business venture that we had talked about for years. We decided to become partners and grow my business in a new way. This is a HUGE thing for me. I have been completely self employed and running my own business for 15 years. To allow someone else to come into that business is not something I take lightly. But the timing felt right, and if we are correct on what we think we can do with the business, I will actually make more money, get some time off, and be able to have a quality of life where I do not have to work every single night after the kids go to bed, and every weekend. It's going to take a bit to get there, but wow...it would be so awesome if we can achieve that. And I actually believe we can do it.

So it appears that I have entered the next 'chapter' in my life. My kids are older now and are getting to be completely past the baby phase. They are turning into lovely little human beings (most of the time) that you can talk to and reason with and that can handle things in a more mature way than ever before. I am settling happily into a new relationship with an amazing woman that I feel SO lucky to have in my life. And my work is completely morphing into something new. Pretty much every aspect of my life is shifting. And it's all for the better.

I have never before in my life been so conscious of the transition. And while there are certainly moments where I have a bit of panic based on the fact that EVERYTHING feels so different, I am happy and excited to move into this next phase of my life. If I think back to how I felt right after The Ex left me and my marriage broke up, I would have NEVER thought that I could be here again. I would not have thought I could have found a second chance at life and at love and that things could ever feel this way again. So I say bring it on! Changes are not always scary. In fact sometimes they end up being exactly what I needed.

Happy Day!!

About three months ago I was posting about how utterly bummed I was that The Boy had to go back onto his appetite stimulating medication. He had been off of it for almost a year and it was a really big blow to me that he had to go back. The side effects when he first starts it are tough to witness and I just felt so bad for my little dude that for whatever reason, his body didn't make him hungry enough to eat on his own.

But I am happy to report today that it works. That for all of those tears I cried and all of those sad moments I had...it appears to work. And that is really all that matters in the end. If you recall, when he went back on the medication in August he had not gained one ounce in over 10 months. Not a good thing for a 5 year old. I rarely post his actual weight on here because he is just so tiny that I feel bad about 'putting it all out there' on the Internet for the world to see. But because I have good news today, I will share. The weight we were stuck at for over 10 months was 35 pounds. He was just stuck there. He had actually grown about 3/4 of an inch during that time period but that isn't anything significant (an average yearly growth for a child my son's age would be about 3 inches). So at his last weight check he was 35 pounds and 41 inches tall. Yes, I know. Super tiny. Especially for an almost 6 year old.

BUT! But yesterday was his 3 month check after going back on the medicine. I knew he had gained a little bit because not only could I see it in his face, but I had cheated and had him stand on my scale at home a couple of times. So I was hopeful that it was going to be a good appointment. I was hoping that he would be up to about 37 pounds and that because of that he had a growth (height) spurt coming. That was the hope. So when we got called back and he stood on the scale I said to the nurse, "If he's still 35 pounds I am going to kill myself..." She laughed as she slid that little dial more and more over to the right and said, "You don't have to worry about that today..."

He weighed 39 pounds you guys!!! He gained 4 pounds in 3 months. That is un-fucking-believable. This has never happened in all of his life. I have never witnessed a weight gain like that. Never. I was so surprised and happy that I picked him up and swung him around the room cheering. I couldn't believe it. I still can't believe it.

And then we moved on to get his height and he had grown an entire inch!! In three months!! Crazy. Totally crazy. In the best possible way. So even though he is still a tiny little dude for his age, I am celebrating the fact that he put on 4 pounds of weight and grew an entire inch in just three short months. I Can't even tell you all how happy this makes me.

Way to go Buddy!! Keep eating!!!

Am I Really That Old?

On Saturday I went to my 20th High School reunion. Even though it has only been 19 years since I graduated, our class the the class before us had a joint reunion...anyway, you don't care about that.

It was...mostly good. Actually it was good. Weird? Yes, but still totally good. I had bought a new outfit, thanks to the "Worry About The Boy" diet, I am skinnier than I have been in a long time, so my BFF (from before high school thankyouverymuch) and I decided we should go. We got our hair done, went out to a scrumptious sushi dinner before hand, and proceeded to get rained on while we walked the 5 minute walk to the reunion.

I saw some people that I was genuinely happy to see (and yes, that's you Carla!), some people that I made eye contact with and moved on, and had some very strange conversations. I ran into the guy that I lost my virginity to (nope, not a gold star, but there were only 2 guys ever). That was a bit awkward. He knows I am gay now but I couldn't really tell if he new that before we started talking or not. But he kept going on about how much he liked me when that was NOT the case at the time... Very random. I actually had a few of those conversations with boys throughout the evening. I never really remember any boys actually liking me...I mean I did the whole high school flirtation and make out thing with plenty of them, but I never actually had a boyfriend in high school. Huh. Perhaps that's kind of telling...

Anyway, it was a fun evening. Wine was consumed, I had a great time with my BFF and now we have MUCH to discuss during our future phone conversations. I was home by midnight and greeted by the new girlfriend. I went on to enjoy a fantastic weekend with her...she really is just amazing. I am not quite sure how I got lucky enough to have someone like her in my life, but I am really happy that I did. The more time I spend with her, the more time I want. Things are going great. So overall, I'd say it was a pretty good weekend.

The Epic Tantrum

The girl is a piece of work right now in terms of tantrums. They come out of seemingly nowhere and go like a tornado and then stop as quickly as they started. Once they are over I am able to appreciate the comic value in them, but during them? Man...it is exhausting.

We have had three of these in the past 2 weeks or so, which I guess isn't bad odds, but since I literally just got done dealing with one I thought it would be a good time to tell all the internets about my horrendous daughter. :)

As usual, this one started with no good rhyme or reason. She woke up fine...pleasant even, and after changing her diaper she jumped up on my bed to watch her show and have her milk (her normal morning routine). For whatever reason, she decided that she didn't want that particular show and started demanding a different one. Of course I told her no because...well because she was being ridiculous. She gets to watch PBS in the morning and she gets whatever happens to be on that channel at the time she starts to watch. But apparently since the days of DVR's she feels that if she doesn't like the particular episode at the time she should be able to demand a different one.

So when I told her no, it started. She started screaming at me to put another one on RIGHT NOW! And when I calmly told her no for the fourth time she took her milk and threw it at me. I walked over to it and picked it up and told her, "okay now you don't get your milk. We don't throw things." She I went into the kitchen to put her milk up on the counter and she followed me around for at least 10 minutes crying and screaming at me. While all of this is happening I was telling her "10 minutes until we get dressed...5 minutes until we get dressed...getting dressed in 2 minutes..." Of course she was yelling NO!! every time I would say that. So when it was time, I took her in and she went postal. And she's strong!! I was able to take her jammies off, but when I went to put her shirt on she screamed and twisted and pulled so hard on her shirt that she actually ripped the seam. So rather than KILL HER, I walked out of the room. So she was on her changing table in just a diaper. She got off the changing table and came into my room where I was putting on my makeup SCREAMING at me. I should note that this is not just some annoying toddler cry she is doing. She is SCREAMING at the top of her lungs like someone is trying to put her toe nails out. So while I was putting on my makeup she walked over to me, picked up a toy clock that was on the floor and hit me in the leg with it as hard as she could. Charming, isn't she?

So she was grabbed by the arm, told in an extremely forceful tone that we don't hit and pulled into her room where the door was shut behind her for a time out. So then she proceeded to stand in there, again SCREAMING, and also kicking her door as hard as she could. And then crying even harder because apparently it hurts to kick your door with all of your might with nothing on your feet. I left her in there for a few while I finished putting on my makeup and trying to get The Boy ready at the same time (aren't mornings fun!?!?). When I went back in, she had been trying to rip off her diaper and had basically shredded the entire thing into tiny pieces on her floor. And then she had peed on them for good measure.

I managed to get another diaper on her but there was no chance that the clothes were going to make it on over the tantrum. And at this point it is time to go. I'll be damned if The Boy is going to be late to school simply because his sister is being an asshole, so I grabbed her clothes and shoes, put them all in a bag along with her milk, and loaded up the car. When I went back to get her she started yelling at me that I needed to get her dressed. I reminded her that I had tried to do that...TWICE, and that she had made the choice for that not to happen.

"I need to have my clothes on..." she sobbed.

Bummer. No time for that now kid. So I scoop her up in her diaper and carry her out to the car and shove her into her car seat. I threw a blanket over her for good measure (I believe it was about 57 degrees outside at the time) and got in and started driving to her brother's school. She screamed and sobbed for about 5 minutes and then stopped.

All of a sudden she goes, "Mommy...there is a big white truck!"

And just that like, she's done. She was perfectly fine...the sweetest, most adorable version of herself. She goes, "Mommy...can I have my milk?" I handed it back to her and she said thank you and drank it nicely and handed it back to me. When we got to The Boy's school, I feel like an asshole in the car line because I have a naked 2 year old in the back of the car with her hair not combed at all (she is usually all spiffy when we drop brother off to school), and her face a snotty mess...she was looking special, let me tell you. I just smiled at his teachers and said, "It's been one of those mornings," and, like anyone who has kids, they just smile and pat me on the back and take The Boy.

As we were driving to her school she asks in her quietest, most sweetest voice ever, "Mommy...can you put my clothes on before I go into my school?" Sure. Can't think of anything I'd like better. So when we pull up I got her dressed in the car before I carried her in and apologized that they would need to do her hair, which of course they have no problem doing.

She runs up to me, throws her arms around me and says, "Good bye Mommy! Have a good day. Have fun with you clients!" and dashes off to play with her favorite teacher.

She's a piece of work. Someone please tell me this is just an age thing and not a personality thing because I can't even imagine how hard she is going to be as a teenager. I'm not sure if I'm going to make it. :)

Halloween in Pictures

The Boy decided that he wanted to be a dragon. Peanut, however was somewhat convinced that she wanted to be a "beautiful butterfly." However, when brother's costume arrived, she took one look at it and declared that she wanted to be a dragon like brother (shocking). So behold...my two dragons...

Aren't they scary?
And here they are trick or treating with their cousins on the big day. The Girl did great. She got scared a couple of times but she kept up mostly. Of course, The Boy got tired and ended up riding in the stroller, but I am sure that doesn't shock anyone (least of all me, which is why I brought the stroller in the first place). But they were old pros at the procuring of candy...
Sometimes her brother and her cousins ran ahead of Peanut so she hung with her Gigi. She was so cute going house to house holding her hand...
This pretty much sums up the evening...candy in the mouth and candy in the hands, and candy in the bag...
Hope everyone had a great Halloween. One of these days I will make time to give you all a proper post!

Now With Added Bonus

I posted here a while ago that Peanut was moving into a toddler bed. She was crawling out of her crib and hurting herself and it was just time. The transition was actually easier than I thought it was going to be. It helps that she can't open her door handle yet, so she can't get out of her room unless I open the door for her. But she LOVED her new "big girl bed." She was ALL about it. Check out the face...

The thing of note in this picture is that the crib is still sitting next to the toddler bed. I left that in there for at least a week, and it was actually quite helpful. Every time she wouldn't lay down to go to bed, I would point at the crib and say, "Do you want to go back to your baby crib? No? Well then lay down. If you don't lay down and go to sleep you have to go back to the crib..." And miraculously, this worked pretty well. After almost two weeks, it was time to get the crib out of the room. But before doing that, one has to snap a final picture of the crib sitting in the "nursery."
That crib has been up and in that spot for almost 6 years. It was kind of am emotional thing for me to take it down and put it away. I don't have any desires for more children, so not in that kind of a way, but in the way that the children I DO have are growing up. One is in school already...the other now has her own bed in her "big girl room." It seems like in just a few years they are going to be surly teenagers that only snarl at me as they walk down the hall. No longer my babies.

But once I got the crib down and moved her bed into its spot, I was thrilled with how big her room looked (it's a pretty tiny room). I had bought a little bin to put all of her toys and stuffed animal into and after all of that, there was so much room to play!
And this is what I am referring to in the title when I say "added bonus." I didn't realize that my daughter never played in her room. Neither did her brother for that matter. They always played in either his room, or in the living room with me. Now that her room is set up like this she plays in it ALL the time. She goes in and gets a book and sits on her bed to read it. Or she takes her baby dolls and/or stuffed animals and puts them in her bed, covers them and sings to them. She climbs up on her window seat and sits there with things she has collected around the house. She loves it. And sometimes The Boy joins her too. I have heard him saying to her recently, "Come on...let's go play in your room..." as they run down the hall. The other night, I was doing dishes and I realized it was silent. Since every mom knows that is never a good thing, I turned off the water and went to investigate. The Boy was in his room sitting on the floor playing with his dinosaurs, and The Girl was in her room playing with her dolls. It was the most surreal moment. Both of my children, playing happily in their own rooms. All in a different space. It was pretty glorious. And of course it lasted approximately 30 seconds because The Girl came barreling down the hall not two minutes later to tell me something. But still. It was there.

And the best thing of all? The Boy saying to her after brushing teeth, "Come on...let's go to your room and I will read you a story. We can sit on your bed together."

And then you get moments like these. And you aren't sad that your baby isn't in her crib anymore. You remember why every single stage is so damn awesome.

Lots of "Firsts" In My World Right Now

Today is New Girl's birthday. We are going to have lunch together just the two of us, and then she has asked me to join her for a birthday dinner with all of her friends tonight. I am *officially* being introduced to all of her friends. But that isn't the "first" I was referring to above. This is the first time that I have ever hired a babysitter to come watch my kids that isn't family. Please don't be confused with this being the first time I have left my children because that couldn't be further from the truth. But this is the first time that I have had enough of a life that I felt it necessary to get an actual "babysitter." One that I pay money and that doesn't come to my Christmas celebrations. She comes very highly recommended by my best friend and is a college student. I'm sold. She came over last weekend and met the kids and played with them for a little and she was hired.

So tonight is the first time I am leaving my kids with a babysitter. And I am not at all emotional about it. I am super stoked that I can get out without having to feel guilty about whichever family member I am making give up a Friday night. And tonight should be fun, so I'm excited.

And then tomorrow night I am leaving my children and going away for a night for the first time. I am taking New Girl away to a hotel right on the beach for 24 glorious hours. I am embarrassed to admit that I have not ever once, in the almost 6 years of having kids, had a night where I wasn't with at least one of them. There are only a few times that I have not had both of them since The Girl was born. The first was when I went to the hospital to have her, and The Boy had to sleep at my parents house. That was somewhat traumatic because while I was convinced we had prepared him for every part of my going into the hospital to have a baby, I apparently forgot to mention to him that I would be spending the night in said hospital. He was good with all of it, until he realized he was expected to leave WITHOUT Mommy. That didn't go over well.

The second time was this last June when I took The Boy to the Monterey Bay Aquarium to spend the night for Father's Day. That was the first night I had ever been away from Peanut and she also stayed with my mom. That particular night went fine, but the aftermath with Peanut left a little bit to be desired. There have also been a few night where The Boy has stayed overnight at my moms, or at The Ex's house. But for the past almost 6 years, there has not been ONE morning that I have not had to wake up and tend to a child. There has not been one morning where my only concern was weather or not *I* felt like getting out of bed. The kids are staying with The Ex at my house and I cannot freaking wait. And who knows? I might not feel like getting out of bed the entire time! :)