Chill Out Nelly!

That's basically what my favorite nurse told me today at my appointment.  Things are moving along fine.  My blood pressure is much better on the medication, which means it is working.  The cramps that I am feeling are probably just braxton hicks and aren't doing anything to move me toward labor.  The "visual changes" that I am experiencing aren't great, but since there hasn't been any significant change in them we aren't too worried.  They are doing lab work every other week to watch my liver and kidney functions and so far those are all fine.  And the thing I was worried most about?  The lack of movement by this baby?  She didn't seem too concerned but after I burst into tears and confessed that I felt like I was totally failing this pregnancy and therefore my unborn child and that I was petrified that she wasn't getting what she needed from me and was going to end up a special needs child because of something I was doing wrong...she decided to put me on the monitor for a while.

I should point out that my nurse is fabulous.  So is my doctor for that matter.  And she gave very serious validity to how I was feeling and helped me realize that the stress I am under, just in life in general and of course more pointedly because of the way this pregnancy is progressing, is the major source of everything going wacko in my head.  And when she hooked me up to the monitor...well I ended up feeling like a class A jackass.

You know how when there is something wrong with your car you will drive around for weeks hearing that annoying little clicking noise every single time you accelerate, but then when you finally get around to taking it to the mechanic, he test drives it and for the first time in months, your car drives perfectly smoothly and WITHOUT that damn click?  That is what happened to me today.  I sat on the table telling her how I maybe feel this baby move like 3 times a day, and that is sometimes being generous.  And how even when she does move, it is a quick movement and then all movements cease after that again.  Of COURSE when she hooks me up to the monitor, this baby decides it is time to practice her gymnastics.  FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HER GODDAMN LIFE!!  I swear, she moved more in the twenty minutes that I was monitored than she has moved all week long combined.  So of course I felt like an idiot.  Lovely nurse quietly came in and told me she was rocking and rolling and her heart rate was great and that she is clearly having a grand old time in there and she is just already tormenting me.  Then she smiled and gave me a hug and told me to hang in there and that she would see me next week.

I needed that, I guess.  I think after the past few weeks I just needed to have an appointment where they looked at me and said, "All looks great...carry on.  See you next week."  Every week I hoped for that and all my previous appointments had definitely NOT ended that way.  Hopefully now that one has I will be able to chill the fuck out and settle into this new way of life.  Bed rest sucks.  There is no doubt about it.  It sucks even more when you're self employed and are literally losing hundreds of dollars a day while doing it, but it is just what my reality is going to be for a while.  I had gotten myself so worked up that I honestly believed that there was no way I was going to be able to deliver a healthy baby out of all of this, and it was killing me.  But today gave me that glimmer of hope.  The hope that my baby really is fine in there, and that if I actually listen to what the doctors say and try to relax a little, that there is a possibility that I could deliver a healthy baby who doesn't have to live in the NICU for the first couple months of her life.  I had honestly lost the hope for that.  Today gave me some of that back.  And hopefully next Friday (when I will start to get a NST on the baby every appointment) will confirm it again.  And I will just keep going.  And I will be able to do this until this baby is big enough to be delivered and taken home safely.

I am 31 weeks 3 days today.  If I can manage all of the above the goal is to get this baby to around 38 weeks and then we will proceed with our scheduled c section.  Just a little over 6 weeks until that time.  I can do that, right?  :)