Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Can I Let You In On A Little Secret?

I'm petrified. So unbelievably scared right now. And I probably shouldn't be feeling this way. I should probably be celebrating.

I got the offer letter today in the mail for The Boy to go to the super fabulous/super expensive private Montessori elementary school. It looks like it is really going to happen. And it scares the living shit out of me.

I could write a very composed post about how very excited I am that my son is going to attend such an amazing school. And I could list point after point about why I feel so strongly about how wonderful this school is and how much my son is going to thrive there. In fact, that is the post I sat down to write tonight. A celebratory post talking about all the amazing things this school is going to mean for my son. And it would all be true. Every single word of it would be the truth.

But instead I decided to be honest. I decided to tell you all what *I* am feeling. If I step out of my Mommy shoes for just a moment (which I very rarely do), I can let you in on what is happening in my head, but what will never actually be spoken out loud. The head of the single mom, of the "provider," and the person that is going to be responsible for paying for this school and subsequently keeping a roof over our heads and some form of quality to our life. And if I were to tell you the quiet thoughts going on in that head...the ones that very rarely make it from the inside of my head into the outside world...I would tell you that I am scared. I would tell you that there was a part of me that was looking forward to the day when my son would enter public school and I would no longer have to pay for full time daycare. I had dreams of being able to exhale a little bit financially. I had dreams of being able to save a little money to possibly replace my car (the one that currently has over 115,000 miles on it...). I had dreams of being able to afford health insurance for myself and my kids without having to rely on The Ex for that. I had dreams of not having to sit at my desk every single night after the kids go to bed and work until 11:00. I had dreams of not having to hold my breath and cross my fingers and pray to the sky that all those checks don't clear at once. And now...well none of those things are going to happen. Because not only am I about to sign up for at least 6 years of the same thing...I am signing up for something that costs MORE than I am paying right now. And although I have crunched the numbers, and it is do-able, it is barely do-able. And if anything out of the blue comes flying at me, it could really screw me. And I am afraid it quite possibly might suck the life right out of me. And I am worried about that.

I am hoping that this anxiety is because there is A LOT coming at me right now financially. I have to come up with over $1,000 of "one time" fees...I have to come up with 10% of this year's tuition...and I have to come up with all of it by Monday. The way the tuition is paid I have realized that for the months of July and August, I will be paying for BOTH the tuition to the new school AND the full-time daycare that he will still need because school hasn't started yet. And all of this makes my heart palpitate and my palms sweat and makes me want to burst into tears.

But I am confident that once I get into the groove...once he is IN and once the payments are consistent, I will be able to make it happen. But for now I am scared shitless. And I can't even say these things out loud. Because when I talked about the little things that I was dreaming about above...what I really want is for my boy to dream. And what I really want is for him to thrive and love school and have an amazing experience...and I know in my heart all of those things, plus more, are going to happen for him at this school. And I know that that is what this is really about. So those are the things that I talk about out loud. Those are the things that I tell people when they ask me where he will be going to kindergarten. I will smile and tell them the name of the school with pride and I will feel proud that I am somehow able to do this for my son.

But inside my head? Not a pretty place right now...


Laraf123 said...

I understand completely. No great advice--just listening (ok, reading) support. I'll be in your shoes before I know it, I'm not looking forward to figuring all this out...

Carey said...

Oh boy - both exciting and stressful all rolled into one!! I hope it all works out for you!! Deep breaths??? :)