Thursday, August 5, 2010

Random Revelations

First of all, thank you all SO much about the camera feedback. I am doing some more research and will probably end up purchasing one this weekend. Obviously I will let you know how it all turns out, and I am SURE you will end up seeing lots of results. But thank you for the feedback. And to the commenter who told me she was also a divorced lesbian mom who has looked to my blog for support over the last year? You have no idea how much that means to me. I feel like there aren't too many divorced lesbian moms out there in the blog world and it means SO much to me to be able to help even one person. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one blogging whose family didn't turn out the way they had wanted. So thank you for finally commenting. I can't tell you how touched I was.

Now onto our regularly scheduled blog post...

So a couple of things. First of all, I realized something sort of profound today with my therapist (yes, I see one; and no, I'm not ashamed to admit it. Like everyone, I have issues and talking to a therapist is a huge help to me...). I have created a life that is without any sort of backup. I have no "co-" anythings. Let me explain. Most people have co-parents, co-partners in life, co-workers...etc... I have none of those things. I am single and granted, that wasn't by choice, it was just how things ended up. And hopefully that isn't my lot in life for the long haul, but for now, I am single. Thus no partner in life. I am self employed and I run my own business. Therefore I have no co-workers. This is a big one for me. I take on all the responsibility of everything I do. There is no one to run things by, or no one to step up if I need a day off, or no one to shoulder any of the burden. Just me. My business and if I run short, or screw up, or just need a sounding board, I am looking in the mirror. I also have no co-parent. One could argue that I do have The Ex as a co-parent. And I guess in some ways, I do. She gives me a small amount of child support so that is helpful. And she does call herself Mom to our son while I am his Mommy. But physically she takes him for 3 hours a week. That's it. She takes him on Saturdays from 10:30 until about 1:30 every week. That's it. Every other second of every other day he is with me. And when it comes to issues, or decisions, or worries...I am on my own. So no, co-partner in life, no co-workers, and no co-parent. No wonder I feel like I am being pulled in 50 directions at once.

Now let me clarify. I am not saying, "poor me," about anything I just mentioned. Clearly I have set up this life for myself. I could be out there dating right now (although how I would find the time is seriously beyond me...), I could have a regular job where I worked with lots of other people, and I could "force" The Ex to be a bigger part of our son's life. But I don't do any of it. So I accept that these are the choices that I have made. I just have never put that together before today. I am always walking around feeling like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and today I actually pieced it all together that perhaps I am. And perhaps I created it that way. This must be what works for me. But it is just one of those things that makes you think.

The Boy is going back to see his old speech therapist tomorrow. We "graduated" from speech about 6 months ago because he was testing at age appropriate. But since then he has gotten worse where his speech is concerned, not better. And I know it is because he isn't getting the one-on-one time like he used to. You can understand him when he talks but he has serious trouble with certain sounds. The "L" sound, the "th" sound, the "W" sound and the "R" sound are a few that come to mind. So I am taking him back to meet with his therapist tomorrow to see what she thinks. I am pretty certain she is going to think it would be beneficial for him to get some more therapy. Which means LOTS more money. But he will be starting kindergarten in a year and I don't want the other kids to give him any trouble. Plus, if I'm being honest, when I listen to the other kids in his class that are the same age, they sound a whole lot better than he does. So I am taking the steps and looking out for my kid. I will let you know how it all turns out.

Random thoughts on a random Thursday night. It is the end of a long week and I am going to go sit on the couch for about a half an hour before I get back on the computer to do some more work before I collapse into bed for the night. Thank you all again for your feedback, I truly appreciate it.

1 comment:

Laraf123 said...

I know what you mean. I (also) am not saying poor me, but I don't have any co-persons in my life. Sure I have friends and neighbors. And ok, I have co-workers but sometimes that's a liability. I am doing this alone and sometimes that fact scares the bejeezus out of me. Mostly I just try not to "look down" from the tightrope act I've created. I love my family of 3. I came so close to having nothing at all. Even doing this alone is much better than that.