Friday, February 26, 2010

Seeking Balance

Things are shifting around here. And I am having a hard time dealing with it.

My bank account makes it very apparent to me that it is time to step it up where work is concerned. I see this every month and somehow scrape and scrimp and float and hang until the next month when I have the same conversation with myself. I have been telling all of my clients that I am looking for more work and (half heartedly) looking around online for new clients. And since I have been doing this there has been a soft chorus of "You're doing all you can..." in the back of my mind. And somehow that has made me live with the guilt and stress of being short of money. Years ago, when The Ex and I split, through the help of some very wonderful people (and some very hard work on my part) I was able to pay off all of my debt except for my mortgage. I am proud to say that I am still in that space, but I am very close to letting that slip if I don't step it up.

For whatever reason (life seems to either be feast or famine where work is concerned) all sorts of people have come out of the wood work lately and I have several new clients and old clients that all of a sudden seem to have a ton of work that needs to be done. Obviously I am in no position to turn down work so I am busier than I have been in over a year. That feeling of fear on a Monday because I am worried there isn't enough work to fill the week has turned into fear that I can't possibly accomplish everything that needs to be done during that week. I feel like from the moment my alarm goes off at 5:45am I am literally running my ass off until I fall down on the bed around 10:00pm. And it is taking its toll.

I had to talk to Peanut's daycare and start to send her on Wednesdays. This means that I literally have NO time alone with my daughter. I see her, but I only see her when her brother is around. I loved having one day where I could give her the things that her brother got to enjoy while being the first and only child for 3 plus years. I miss that. I miss her. Not only that but I am now pumping 4 days a week instead of three.

Have I mentioned how OVER pumping I am? Obviously I will continue to do it because I am committed to getting her to a year of exclusive breast feeding. Not only do I dislike it immensely, but it seriously interferes with me getting my work done throughout the day. For the past year I have been mostly working from home. Now that things are picking up again I am spending more and more time away from the house at clients' offices. It is really hard to try and work my schedule to come home every three hours to sit at the pump for 20 minutes. So between driving to and from clients all day long and trying to stop at home to pump, I am running around all day long and not billing for very many hours because of all the time spent traveling.


I just re-read this post and it sounds like I am a big ole whiner. I should be thrilled to have more work. I should be tremendously grateful. And I am. I truly am. I guess part of being a single parent is somehow trying to find the balance where you feel like all aspects of your life are getting the time they deserve. I don't feel that way right now. I feel like I am so busy just trying to provide for my children that I am somehow missing all of the joy that occurs just being on a daily basis. My daughter is growing up so fast. And she is my last baby. She is 10 months old. Soon she will be a year. Soon I won't have to worry about breast feeding and pumping because it will be gone. And I will never get it back. I will never get these moments back. And right now I am struggling to figure out how to really appreciate the moments that I am living instead of feeling like I am running furiously through them. I want to find out how to have enough time to work enough to provide for my family and at the same time be present and treasure the moments that I have with those very people. That doesn't seem like too much to ask but it also seems like an insurmountable goal.

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