Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Oh the Hormones...

Good lord, the post pregnancy hormones are KILLING me!  I am such a freak.  My moods swing around like a pendulum on a clock and go from one feeling all the way over to the opposite feeling within minutes.  It is exhausting trying to keep up with myself.

Sunday night my Mommy went home.  (Cue sad music...)  My mom had been staying here at my house with me since I got home from the hospital.  She would stay up with me and keep me company until the last feeding of the night and then go to sleep in my room.  I stayed out in the living room and slept on the couch (post c-section it would have been too hard to sleep flat in my bed anyway) since all the baby gear was out there anyway.  I have always been the only one to get up with The Girl in the middle of the night, but my mom would get up with The Boy in the morning and get him ready for school.  This helped me immensely when The Girl would be up for feeding at 2:00am and then again at 5:00am and then The Boy wakes up at 6:00am.  That allowed me to go back to sleep and sleep through when The Boy got up.  So while I was still dealing with the baby exclusively, she was there to help me out with the older one and also to just emotionally be there for me.

I remember over 2 months ago when I got put on bed rest I was SO irritated at the fact that all of a sudden there were all these people in my space.  My mom was here all the time, and all of "my time" seemed to vanish.  Now, thanks to these wonderful hormones, the thought of being alone again totally petrifies me.  I don't want everyone to leave.  Whereas before bed rest, I was perfectly content to put The Boy to bed at night and then have a couple hours to myself before I went to sleep, now the thought of putting him to bed at night and then sitting ALONE in my living room until "bed time" and then dealing with the baby all night long alone makes me burst into tears.  I have always been honest about the fact that I don't do change well.  I suppose this is just my version of that.  

Plus, as I have spoken about before, I am a planner.  I would plan my entire life right down to the very last detail if allowed.  And so the last few months have really thrown me for a loop.  My plan when I got pregnant was to work almost until the baby was born, then take 3 months off after having the baby (using money that I had carefully planned for and set aside for just this purpose) and then put the baby into daycare a couple days a week and work from home a couple days a week and get into the perfect groove.

Well that all went to shit when they put me on bed rest at 29 weeks.  By the time I had the baby I had already taken 2 months "off" of work.  And the money that was so carefully set aside for my maternity leave?  Yeah, didn't so much work out that way.  My one client who promised me a decent bonus totally screwed me and paid me half of what I expected, my tax refund ended up mostly having to go back to the tax man, and pretty much everything bad that could have happened ended up happening (financially at least).  So all told, the three months that I was supposed to have "off" widdled down to around one month.  And then I had to take two months off PRIOR to even having the damn kid.  All of my planned be damned.

So now here I am, 2 weeks after having my baby and the truth has hit me hard.  I pretty much have no money.  There is no way that I am going to be able to take off 3 months.  Most likely I will be able to stay home for THIS MONTH ONLY and then have to get back to work.  That makes me cry.  I feel so gypped.  I feel so cheated out of time with my daughter.  Plus, my biggest client is no longer my client, so not only do I have to go back to work, but I have to FIND new work in order to do so.  So everything is up in the air.  



My "planning" self is rifled with uncertainty.  And it makes me anxious.  And then the hormones kick in and I cry.  Because why not?  Apparently it's what I do right now.  And then I will look over at my beautiful little girl and my heart will swell with immense love and pride and joy and I will think, "Screw the money, screw the stress, LOOK!  LOOK! at what you did.  LOOK! at what you carried and brought here safely..." and I will end up patting myself on the back and the tears become tears of joy because of all of the love and wonderfulness that is in my world and...and...oh God.  What exactly was it I was crying about?

These hormones are insane.  My little princess is two weeks old yesterday.  And she is perfect and she is beautiful and when I wrap myself up in her smell and her essence and the connection between her and The Boy (yes, it is there already) I weep with joy and happiness that I fought for this little family that I have created.  And I am so damn proud of myself and so thankful to all the people around me that helped me achieve this goal that I think nothing could ever deter that feeling of love and accomplishment.

And then literally like 2 minutes later my mother will tell me goodbye as she heads home back to her life and her husband (which, you should probably know is only 10 minutes from my house and her leaving only means she will be gone a number of hours because she is still coming over every night for dinner right now...) and I will fall down in my hallway and cry from the loneliness and scariness of it all.  How could I possibly have thought I could do this alone?  How am I supposed to get back to any sense of a normal life?  How in the world am I going to afford to stay home long enough to heal from surgery and bond with my daughter?  What in the world am I going to do for a job?  When I find said job, what in the world am I going to do with my brand new daughter?...  It goes on and on...  I seriously exhaust myself.

I think it may be time to make an appointment with my lovely therapist to discuss this myriad of emotions with her.  How long does it take for one's emotions to return to "normal" after having a baby anyway?  Because seriously...I need to at least stay away from work until that happens.  I can just see myself sitting at a clients office trying to balance their books and weeping uncontrollably when I am $0.05 off on a reconciliation.  Good lord...

On a happier note, here is my little peanut on her 2 week birthday.  She spent the day yesterday with more awake time than she has ever before.  I know I am a bit biased but I think she's pretty damn cute.  I guess she is worth all these hormones...

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