Sunday, June 22, 2008

Time Moves On

So it's been a while.  At least for me it seems like a while.  Let's just say that things are tough when you are going through a break up.  Last week the Ex and I had couples therapy.  One of the things we talked about was how it was interesting to both of us that family members and some co-workers (not close friends mind you) were treating our breakup like no big deal.  We were hearing such things as "well you can meet someone else."  It seemed as though we were back in seventh grade and our entire future is before us to find our "true love."  It was very apparent to me that if this were my brother or my step sister it would be very different.  Why is that?  Is it the gay thing?  is it that we separated before?  And if so, that was a separation.  This is a divorce.  It is final.  It's different.  I am just interested as to why the reaction is what it is.

On a happier note, The Boy is fabulous.  Yesterday he and I spent about 40 minutes playing outside on the hammock together.  Just him running up to me and telling me I must stay where I was on the hammock because we were playing.  Precious moments.  You have to stop and hold on to those.  Sometimes they just show up out of the blue and you have to see it, recognize it, and stop and hold them.  I have one of those moments with my son last night.

I am seeing a change in the horizon.  I have been a self-employed bookkeeper for the last almost 10 years.  I think it might be time for me to get a "real" job.  One that has benefits, and one that has a 401k, and one that has paid time off.  Something called maternity leave would be great.  I had a couple of friends come into some unfortunate events lately and it is making me look at my life and my securities, or lack thereof.  If I were to get sick, I have no disability, I would be screwed.  Like when I had to go on bed rest early, that really screwed me up financially.  My health insurance is currently through the Ex.  If I don't have that I have no health insurance.  The Boy will always be covered, but I won't.  My job is perfect for being in a two income household.  That was always the plan.  It doesn't work out so well for trying to be a single Mom who doesn't want to have to lose her house.  Owning this house is something that is very important to me and I don't want to lose that.  I have to step it up.  I have to stop looking at what is ideal and start looking at what I have to do to keep my house.  if I want to raise my kid(s) here, I have to figure out a way to do that.  Because how things are right now is not going to cut it.  So things have to change.

I have always been the person that plans my life out to the last detail.  I am really trying not to do that now.  I am trying very hard to step back and see what the universe offers me.  If I stop planning and just open up to what is available, then what will become?  I have already found a perfect donor by doing this.  Rather than deciding it was time to start ttc again, and making the arrangements, I just kind of put the word out there.  I told people I trusted what I was looking for and what I thought I needed.  And then I just stepped back.  Nothing happened for a long time but then something did.  A client and friend had a friend who was completely willing to help.  I have talked to him and he's a wonderful person and someone who I would absolutely use as a donor.  I opened it up and look what happened.  I have also had a switch in work.  i have opened up and several different prospects have opened up.  I am keeping my eyes open to them all.  A random conversation over a bottle of wine with a best friend can sometimes open our eyes to what we need to do.  If we are open to it.  But this is not how I usually function.  It really isn't.  It is more of a reactive type thing of living as opposed to a PROactive type of living.  I am coming out of a 7 year relationship, about 10 years of doing bookkeeping as a self employed sole proprietor, and raising a 2 1/2 year old son with some health challenges.  Where will this take me?  Where am I to go now?  Mother to a second child?  Full time employee to a company where I show up Monday through Friday 9:00 to 5:00?  Healthy?  Happy?  We shall see...

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