Sunday, June 29, 2008


Holy crap.  I can't believe I just typed that.  I haven't thought in these terms in a LONG time people.  But that's what today is.  And that is really of no great significance because I will not be trying to get pregnant this month.  But I think I might be in about 2 or 3 more, so it's time to take a look at the ole cycle and see what she's doing.  Gotta clear out those cobwebs and start tracking some things on paper and pulling out the old OPK's.  Gotta make sure the machine is functioning properly before we get too serious about things.

But seriously, it IS weird.  My son is two and a half years old right now.  I got pregnant with him in April of 2005.  I haven't thought in terms of "CD1" in over 3 years.  Am I ready for this?  Is he ready for this?  How is this going to effect him?  I think he will be a great big brother.  He is so gently and sweet.  He's a lot like my brother in personality and I think he will be great.  But I worry about having to share my time from him.  And obviously I worry about doing this on my own this time around.  I have Ex to help me with the boy and she will always do that and be a part of his life.  How does that effect this new child?  The boy has two parents, but the new baby only has one?  How do I explain that?  But I have no doubt that I am the absolute best mother that I can be.  I work hard at it and every single day think about what is best for The Boy and how to do right by him.  I am lucky enough to have the support around me to be able to give this child a fabulous life.  This child will be one of the most loved children around.  There is no shortage of love and no shortage of people in my life that will do that for my family.  But I do question myself.  Am I doing the best thing for the little family that I am trying to create?  I know without a doubt that I will give another child a great life filled with love, support, honesty and structure.  But can I really do it all on my own?  Take care of a house, work enough to support said house, and raise two kids basically on my own?  Those are the questions that go around and around in my head.

But I don't have to decide today.  Today I can just make a little circle on the date on my calendar and know that it happens to be CD1, no matter what that might mean.  And if I happen to, by mistake, POAS around CD14 to see what that yields, well then that won't mean anything either except that I can find out if this body is ready to fire it back up again.  We shall see...

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