Gordon's Coal

I am officially a sucker.  My kid just completely worked me, and yet I allowed it with a smile.  It is 8:34pm right now which is a half an hour past his bedtime.  I have a video monitor of his room so I can see that he is laying on his side playing with his "Gordon" (of Tho.mas the Trai.n fame) and "Gordon's coal" that I just brought to him at his demand.

Flashback to earlier; he was having a rough night.  For whatever reason NOTHING was making him happy tonight.  Didn't want anything for dinner, didn't want to read a book, didn't want to play with his trains (!!!), just out of sorts.  So when we went to bed finally and he layed down on his new Tho.mas sheets and got under his Tho.mas blanket and looked up at me and asked, "Goron pees?"  It seemed like such a simple little request for my train lover that I thought it harmless and brought him Gordon.  He took it and smiled and then said, "Goron coal?"  He is a very good procrastinator obviously.  But I also inwardly smile because it is quite smart of him to pick that request knowing that I will be impressed with his genius knowledge of the fact that Gordon can't run without his coal.  And he will implore upon my virgo brain for all that is right in the world...  Alas I did not.  I smiled at him and told him that one train was enough for bed and that I loved him and would see him in the morning.

Fast forward to 8:32ish.  I hear him calling Mommy out on the monitor so I go in and he is sitting up in his crib and says "Pees Mommy, Goron coal."  And then he pointed to Gordon and made an indication that the train seemed to be stuck.  "Uck!  Uck!  Eed coal."  Are you kidding me right now?  He is acting out a little drama in his crib to show me that Gordon...cannot...possibly...go...any...further...without...coal..."  All to get another train to play with in his crib.  At 8:30 at night.

But I gave him an A for effort and brought him the coal.  He put the two together and layed down right next to them and drove them around in a little circle.  All is content in his world.  

[I just got up to look at the monitor so that I could type, "And in the time it took me to write this blog post, he is now peacefully sleeping..."  But that's not so much the case.  Sitting straight up backwards in his crib making little choo choo noises and happily singing.  But definitely not sleeping!]

CD1

Holy crap.  I can't believe I just typed that.  I haven't thought in these terms in a LONG time people.  But that's what today is.  And that is really of no great significance because I will not be trying to get pregnant this month.  But I think I might be in about 2 or 3 more, so it's time to take a look at the ole cycle and see what she's doing.  Gotta clear out those cobwebs and start tracking some things on paper and pulling out the old OPK's.  Gotta make sure the machine is functioning properly before we get too serious about things.

But seriously, it IS weird.  My son is two and a half years old right now.  I got pregnant with him in April of 2005.  I haven't thought in terms of "CD1" in over 3 years.  Am I ready for this?  Is he ready for this?  How is this going to effect him?  I think he will be a great big brother.  He is so gently and sweet.  He's a lot like my brother in personality and I think he will be great.  But I worry about having to share my time from him.  And obviously I worry about doing this on my own this time around.  I have Ex to help me with the boy and she will always do that and be a part of his life.  How does that effect this new child?  The boy has two parents, but the new baby only has one?  How do I explain that?  But I have no doubt that I am the absolute best mother that I can be.  I work hard at it and every single day think about what is best for The Boy and how to do right by him.  I am lucky enough to have the support around me to be able to give this child a fabulous life.  This child will be one of the most loved children around.  There is no shortage of love and no shortage of people in my life that will do that for my family.  But I do question myself.  Am I doing the best thing for the little family that I am trying to create?  I know without a doubt that I will give another child a great life filled with love, support, honesty and structure.  But can I really do it all on my own?  Take care of a house, work enough to support said house, and raise two kids basically on my own?  Those are the questions that go around and around in my head.

But I don't have to decide today.  Today I can just make a little circle on the date on my calendar and know that it happens to be CD1, no matter what that might mean.  And if I happen to, by mistake, POAS around CD14 to see what that yields, well then that won't mean anything either except that I can find out if this body is ready to fire it back up again.  We shall see...

Gratuitous

Simply for the cuteness factor.  My son and his little friend enjoying a puppet show at the little zoo near our house today.  So sweet...

Makes Me Smile

You know, when I was going through all of my infertility treatments and I dreamed to one day have a baby of my own, I thought about the little stuff.  I wanted to wander around my house and find small things that belonged to another little human.  I dreamt of the casual stuff.  And sometimes, when I am sitting here alone on a Thursday evening, I notice the small stuff.  And it is enough to make me smile.  And I glance down at my video monitor of my child, still chatting at 9:31pm at night, and I smile.  Not upset, mind you, just peacefully chatting himself to sleep.  Like a little angel.  And then I glance over from where I am sitting and I see one of those casual signs.  One of those things that just makes you smile.  And tonight, it is enough.

I am screwed!

We are eating dinner together.  I have tried a couple of new things for him to sample this evening.  He is trying chicken apple sausage (the only kind of sausage I can bear), marinated wild salmon and just for shits and giggles I thought I would throw in a piece of wheat bread with some butter on it.  Three guesses at which one he ate.  Right.  The bread.  Keep it simple stupid.  Thousands of visits with a gastroenternologist and dietitians but he just wants bread and butter.  He ate it all and asked for more.  And it was a starch.  Just what the dietitian ordered.  Of course she would have been happier if he had eaten that AND his string cheese (didn't touch it), and his fatty sausage (one bite and made a horrific face and used his fingers to yank it out of his mouth post haste), and his salmon (wouldn't even attempt it).  The one thing they could agree on is that he did eat some peas.  Those are a starchy vegetable so we get some points for that.

We are working on manners at dinnertime.  I make it a point to sit down with him at the dinner table and eat with him every single night.  So while we do this we also discuss why it is inappropriate to, say, put your feet up on the table.  We have discussed this particular issue more than once.  In fact we have talked about it so much that he seems to know exactly what I am going to say about it.  Example:

Boy: (puts his feet up on table with dirty socks and looks up at me), "Dop!" [stop]

Mommy: "Boy stop it.  We don't put our feet on the table."

Boy: (grins and bends his knee and points to under the table), "Der!  Under da dable" [there, under the table]

Mommy: (playing along at this point) "Your feet go there.  Under the table.  Feet stay under the table."

Boy: (as he puts his foot back under the table to where it belongs), "Des" while shaking his head [yes].

Mommy:  "Yes, that is where your foot belongs."

Boy: "Dat tu, dat tu" [thank you, thank you]

Mommy:  "Thank you."

Boy: (grins and puts his foot back on the table to start the whole process over again)...

Over and over at dinner tonight people.  he knows exactly what I am going to do say and then just to have some sort of conversation he proceeds to basically have the conversation with himself.  He doesn't even need me.  I just get to go along for the ride.  Sometimes the cuteness is too much.  He kills me.

Time Moves On

So it's been a while.  At least for me it seems like a while.  Let's just say that things are tough when you are going through a break up.  Last week the Ex and I had couples therapy.  One of the things we talked about was how it was interesting to both of us that family members and some co-workers (not close friends mind you) were treating our breakup like no big deal.  We were hearing such things as "well you can meet someone else."  It seemed as though we were back in seventh grade and our entire future is before us to find our "true love."  It was very apparent to me that if this were my brother or my step sister it would be very different.  Why is that?  Is it the gay thing?  is it that we separated before?  And if so, that was a separation.  This is a divorce.  It is final.  It's different.  I am just interested as to why the reaction is what it is.

On a happier note, The Boy is fabulous.  Yesterday he and I spent about 40 minutes playing outside on the hammock together.  Just him running up to me and telling me I must stay where I was on the hammock because we were playing.  Precious moments.  You have to stop and hold on to those.  Sometimes they just show up out of the blue and you have to see it, recognize it, and stop and hold them.  I have one of those moments with my son last night.

I am seeing a change in the horizon.  I have been a self-employed bookkeeper for the last almost 10 years.  I think it might be time for me to get a "real" job.  One that has benefits, and one that has a 401k, and one that has paid time off.  Something called maternity leave would be great.  I had a couple of friends come into some unfortunate events lately and it is making me look at my life and my securities, or lack thereof.  If I were to get sick, I have no disability, I would be screwed.  Like when I had to go on bed rest early, that really screwed me up financially.  My health insurance is currently through the Ex.  If I don't have that I have no health insurance.  The Boy will always be covered, but I won't.  My job is perfect for being in a two income household.  That was always the plan.  It doesn't work out so well for trying to be a single Mom who doesn't want to have to lose her house.  Owning this house is something that is very important to me and I don't want to lose that.  I have to step it up.  I have to stop looking at what is ideal and start looking at what I have to do to keep my house.  if I want to raise my kid(s) here, I have to figure out a way to do that.  Because how things are right now is not going to cut it.  So things have to change.

I have always been the person that plans my life out to the last detail.  I am really trying not to do that now.  I am trying very hard to step back and see what the universe offers me.  If I stop planning and just open up to what is available, then what will become?  I have already found a perfect donor by doing this.  Rather than deciding it was time to start ttc again, and making the arrangements, I just kind of put the word out there.  I told people I trusted what I was looking for and what I thought I needed.  And then I just stepped back.  Nothing happened for a long time but then something did.  A client and friend had a friend who was completely willing to help.  I have talked to him and he's a wonderful person and someone who I would absolutely use as a donor.  I opened it up and look what happened.  I have also had a switch in work.  i have opened up and several different prospects have opened up.  I am keeping my eyes open to them all.  A random conversation over a bottle of wine with a best friend can sometimes open our eyes to what we need to do.  If we are open to it.  But this is not how I usually function.  It really isn't.  It is more of a reactive type thing of living as opposed to a PROactive type of living.  I am coming out of a 7 year relationship, about 10 years of doing bookkeeping as a self employed sole proprietor, and raising a 2 1/2 year old son with some health challenges.  Where will this take me?  Where am I to go now?  Mother to a second child?  Full time employee to a company where I show up Monday through Friday 9:00 to 5:00?  Healthy?  Happy?  We shall see...

Sweetest End

Sometimes the roughest days can end up so sweet you feel like your heart could burst.  My son gave that to me tonight.  I had a rough day.  Not horrible like something tragic happened, but at every turn, it was challenging.  The boy woke up at 5:45 and was just out of sorts all morning long.  He didn't want to wear pants.  Or socks.  Or shoes.  And for some reason the Thomas that was on the TV simply wasn't the right one or something.  Even playing with the treasured train table wasn't enough.  When I told him it was time to go he asked if we were going to Gigi's house.  I told him that we were going to see S (speech therapy).  He screamed that he didn't want to.  That has never happened.  He loves her and therapy.  Then as we were finally walking to the car, 5 minutes late mind you, announced that he DIDN'T have a poop.  I asked again and he most definitely did NOT have a poop.  I gave a general whiff in his direction and loaded him in the car cause it was too late to do anything about it anyway.  So we were 5 minutes late (I know EXACTLY how long it takes to get there and plan appropriately) and as soon as we walked in the boy asked to play trains.  S told him no, that we were going to do some other toys and he yelled at her.  Then she sweetly looked over to me and inquired as to if perhaps he might have a poopie diaper.  Crap.  "Yes, yes I am sure that he does."  Sigh.  Walk out to car, retrieve wipes and diaper, return to change the boy, wash hands and head back into room.  Oh look!  We only have 10 minutes of therapy left.  Yeah, that was worth it.  And he wasn't so much into cooperating anyway.  He was being pissy.

My day at work was challenging.  Have I used that word yet?  It included some very needy real estate agents, some cranky tenants and one print server that decided to try and make me take my own life.  By the time I left there I was practically in tears.  My next client, a winery, helped to put me in a better mood but by the time I got home I was exhausted.  Did I mention the Ex went to Mexico today?  For a little vacay?  Nice, right?  I am home with a boy that asks where his Mom is everyday and she's off in Mexico.  Okay rant over...

On to the sweet part (you thought I had lost that in all this bitterness didn't you?).  Once my mom went home it was just me and the boy.  I sat with him in the playroom because we are trying to get him to feel comfortable in there (see previous post) and we just played and played.  He crawled all over me and gave me random hugs and kisses while he did.  Just happy and sweet.  Happily put on jammies and went out to "pay tains" and watch fish.  He had a glass of milk (pediasure), brushed his teeth and then got into his crib.  But not after he gave me several different hugs.  A baby hug, a Mommy hug, and a BIG BIG hug.  Then I settled him in, gave him Lambie and covered him with his blanket.  I asked him if he was good and he said yes.  Then he looked up at me and said, "Duv do Mommy."  And I told him I loved him too and kissed him on the forehead.  Rubbed his cheek and he smiled at me and rolled over and closed his eyes.  And I walked out of his room and felt like the luckiest person on earth.