Keepin' It Real

Sometimes being a single parent is hard.  Most of the time when I write on here I tend to talk about my kids and what is going on with them.  I stay away from myself and how things are going for me.  Truthfully?  Overall they are good.  Damn good.  It isn't like I didn't know what I was getting into when I decided to have a second child while single.  And for the most part I don't like to talk about the tough moments because I feel like the obvious reaction would be that I asked for this.  I knew how tough it would be and I proceeded anyway.  So shut it with the complaints.  And I can certainly see that point of view.  So I feel like I need to state that in no way am I seeking sympathy or someone to "feel sorry for what I am going through" because I did ask for this.  And I knew there would be tough moments.  And guess what?  There are.

Today has been one of the tough ones.  In general weekends are hard.  Everyone else is with their spouse or significant other one weekends.  And there is no work so the days are long.  Most of the days I really relish in the time that I get to spend with my kids.  But let's be real.  Kids aren't precious ALL the time.  And some days they are especially NOT precious.  And when they are having one of those days it can seem like forever to spend with just them.  No other adults to talk to.  No one else to bounce things off of.  No one to tag team and say, "Can you just deal with them for 15 minutes while I make dinner?"  No one to look over at and roll your eyes in a certain understanding of just how horrendous they are acting.  Just me.  I am only one person.  And on some days that just doesn't seem like enough.

The Girl is absolutely charming when other people are around.  Want to know why?  Because when there are other people around she is always being held.  And when she is being held?  Utterly sweet.  Cutest thing you have ever seen in your life.  Opens those bright eyes and gives smiles and just is the best little bundle of joy you have ever experienced.  But put her down?  Not so much.  I am not exaggerating when I say that if she is awake, and not being held, she is crying.  No, scratch that.  She is screaming.  It isn't a colicky cry...as soon as you pick her up she is fine.  So it isn't that horrific crying where you can't get them to stop and you are losing your mind.  Nope, not that at all.  There is a cure for the crying.  Pick her up.  But seriously people...I cannot hold a baby all day long.  I just can't.  I can't even wear her in the papoose or the bjorn all day long.  There are certain times a day when you must put her down.  Say when you are making a bed.  Or when you are loading a dishwasher.  Or making dinner.  Or when you must use the restroom.  Or when, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, your back is going to break in half and you simply must not be holding a god damned baby all the freaking time!

So there are several times a day when I must put her down.  And as soon as I do she starts crying.  And then screaming.  And when you are alone all day long and this routine starts at 9:00am and goes until midnight, you start to lose your mind a little bit.  And then there is a three year old little boy who would really like to have some time with his Mommy without this other little person always present and even though he's just asking you to read a book you want to scream at him, "I can't right now!!  Don't you hear that screaming?  I have to go deal with your sister."  But instead of saying that you smile at him and tell him that you would love to read a book with him and you will get to him as soon as possible and then you walk off and feel like the shittiest parent in the entire world because there just isn't enough of you to go around.  And how is it that the older one, the one who understands and who ends up getting the short end of the stick most of the time is the one who always gets slighted?  So you decide, screw it, and you let the little one cry and you go and read a book to the older one.  Only you can't just sit down and relax and read the book because the other one is SCREAMING in the other room and holy shit, don't they use an infant crying as a form of torture, because after a while it seriously makes you LOSE YOUR MIND!!!

It is a horrible circle that goes round and round.  And god forbid the older one isn't acting like the perfect angel that he is.  God forbid he is trying to push your buttons just a little bit because maybe he is feeling a little sensitive because he isn't seeing as much of Mommy lately.  And maybe you completely sense this and understand it and KNOW that he is right.  And maybe you really want to fix that and give your older boy some undivided attention that he so deserves and so you swear to yourself that the next time the little one falls asleep you are going to ignore the dishes and the laundry and  you will spend some one on one time with him.  So you do and he ends up acting like a total punk and acting up where you spend your time disciplining him and wondering why it is that you are getting this "quality time" when really you could put on a movie and get the laundry done because she only sleeps for such a short period of time and you know your time is ticking away...

It is days like this when I wish there were another adult here for me to talk to.  Not necessarily someone to deal with the situation.  Not necessarily someone who would take over while I locked myself in my bedroom and ate Sees Candies (although that does sound lovely), but just someone who was over the age of three.  Just someone who I could have a conversation with.  Just someone who would talk to me about life, or about a program on TV, or about anything that didn't have to do with children.  I miss that.  

For the most part this is a pretty sweet ride that I am on.  I love my kids and I am blessed to get to spend so much time with them.  And they are only little once.  And truthfully, I am not sure how much time I would have to give to another adult in my life.  But I would be remiss if I didn't mention the days like today.  The long, long days where you spend hours upon hours thinking that there just isn't enough of you to go around.  These are the days that are tough.  And now...my daughter has decided that the...(glances over at nearby clock) 22 minutes she has been asleep in her swing have been quite enough thank you very much.  She is screaming and needs to be picked up.  Fortunately it is late and The Boy is in bed.  Maybe at some point in the near future I will be too.  :)