Workin

Remember how I said all these great things had happened at work?  Well the great thing was the money that came with it, but what it really meant was a mass quantity of work.  I am going through a transition period that is slowly trying to kill me everyday...will be back soon...promise.

I'm Just Sayin'

So I haven't really been blogging about this, but I have been slowly (and under the supervision of my doctor) weaning myself off my anti depressants and sleeping medication that I have been on since The Boy was about 6 months old.  If I am going to proceed with a second pregnancy, I am going to do it in the healthiest manner possible.  And that means no medication except a prenatal vitamin.  It has been a very long process and I am pretty proud of myself for doing it while such craziness has been going on in my life.  BUT!  Yesterday was the first day in a very long time that I went all day long with no medication whatsoever.  No anti depressant, and nothing to help me sleep last night either.  First time in a very long time for that.  And guess what people?  I'm still here.  And I feel pretty damn good.

Mommy Night Out

While all of the fabulous women that I read on a daily basis get on planes and fly to congregate in our fair city for BlogHer, I am reminded how lucky I am that I get to live here all the time.  While I would have loved to attend the conference and hear some of these amazing women speak, I had to "settle" for a night out in the city with my best gay boyfriend.

When I was growing up, I loved to dance.  I took dance classes from the time I was 3 until the time I was 17.  Because of this my parents took me to see plays in San Francisco from time to time.  By far, my favorite was always A Chorus Line .  Last night I got a chance to head up to the city and see it for the fourth time.  While I realize this isn't as exciting as attending BlogHer, it was exciting for me nonetheless.  I sang along with all the songs and remembered how when I was little, I was convinced that I was going to be a professional dancer and therefore be living the life of those actors on the stage who desperately want to get that dancing job.  Now, at 33 years old and a self employed bookkeeper, I am about as far away from a dancer as one could get.  But for one night I can pretend and let myself enjoy those childhood emotions and excitements.

I am constantly stressed about the financial aspect of my life and wanting to continue to be able to stay in my house.  Part of why this is so difficult is that I happen to live in one of the most expensive places in the country.  However I am pretty damn lucky to live where I do.  The fact that I can hop in the car and drive for 45 minutes and be in one of the biggest cities in the US, and then also turn around and drive 45 minutes in the other direction and be at the beach, and then also drive a couple of hours and be at my cabin in the mountains is one of the main reasons why it is so expensive to live in the Bay Area.  But nights like last night make it worth it.  I got to leave The Boy with Ex and take off for a night out in the Big City.  And let me tell you, I don't do this often.  So while I pushed through the crowds and fought for parking with all the other people in Union Square last night, I also got to hop in my car at the end of the night and drive home and sleep soundly in my bed.  That's a pretty magnificent thing.

Here's hoping everyone out there at BlogHer is enjoying San Francisco as much as I do.  Pictured above, my swag from the theater last night.  I was going to try and snap a picture with my iphone while walking the streets, but somehow it seems wrong to whip out the camera and snap pictures with all the other tourists when this is actually my home.  So you get the day after swag instead.  Hope you all had a wonderful weekend as well.

As Melissa Etheridge says, "The Universe Listens"

When The Ex and I decided to permanently split up back in May I knew my life needed to change.  There was going to be no way that I could afford to stay in this house by myself, with my son, with the way things were going.  There were going to have to be major changes.  And then to top that off I have this whole crazy notion about having a second kid.  So not only do I need to do some financial damage control to keep the house that I am currently in, but I also need to raise some additional capital to be able to pay for daycare for a second child if that comes to be.  So I knew things needed to change.  I just wasn't sure how to make it happen.  And for the first time in my life, I didn't analyze the shit out of everything and try and come up with "a plan."  I didn't try and anticipate everything and create my own destiny.  Instead I sat back.  I took a backseat and just tried to live my life to the best of my ability.  I decided that I was going to look at everything the universe offered me and all options and see what came of things.  At the time, I knew I needed to find some sort of way to become pregnant again, I knew I needed to figure out how to make more money, and I knew I needed to move forward from my situation with The Ex.

The donor sort of fell into my lap.  I discussed my wanting to find someone to donate to most of the people who knew me somewhat closely.  I basically "put the word out."  And lo and behold, a few months later a client/friend of mine came to me and said she had a friend who she was pretty sure would be happy to be a sperm donor.  Seems he is going to be.  Turned out to be a wonderful guy and so far a pretty cool situation.  Instead of obsessively getting on the internet and scouring the sperm banks websites for potential donors and making phone calls and doctors appointment, I just sat back and waited to see if something came my way.  Luckily it did.  It's not a completely sealed deal yet and if it doesn't get to that, that's okay too.  I will figure it out.  But it came to me.

Then the work thing.  Without getting into too many details I played with the idea of getting a full time job but ultimately decided that the best decision for me and my son and potential future children is to remain self employed and therefore in charge of my own schedule.  I opted to see if I could take on a few extra clients and make some more money doing what I do now.  This week is the culmination of all of that.  It really could have gone either way.  I could have ended this week with putting in my 2 weeks notice for my main client (20 hours of my week), and having no extra clients.  However I fought for myself.  I fought for my worth.  It is hard to do that.  I don't do conflict well.  And I have a hard time taking a stand for myself.  But I made myself do it this week.  And now here on Friday I have a $7 an hour raise on my major client (the 20 hour a week one), I have taken on a new client that promises to bring in a pretty substantial amount each month and also offers the possibility of health benefits.  This is necessary for child number 2 because Ex won't be covering him/her on her insurance I don't assume.  And at the end of it all, I got a referral to another new client.  

You know, I just realized I am damn good at what I do.  And I deserve to be compensated for that.  I am not being outlandish or asking for more than what other experienced people in my field are making, but I finally just decided to demand it for myself.  And you know what?  People think I am worth it!  No one seemed to bat an eyelash.  I am in such a better position right now than I was 2 months ago.  And I feel like I put it out there to the universe.  I just stepped back and put out there what I needed.  And most of the things I have received.  Maybe the laws of karma really do work.

Today, on this very day, I feel so lucky.  I have an amazing little boy who I adore with my whole heart.  I have a supportive family who makes my life bearable.  I have amazing friends who not only love me, but read my blog to show me that.  :)  And I think I have figured out how to financially stay in my home, have a new baby and be able to truly support it, and for the first time in a long time...really look forward to my future.  The universe listened and I am so thankful for that.

PS--If you haven't heard the song by Melissa Etheridge you should really listen to it.  Here's a link to the lyrics.  

When Giving In to a Tantrum Ends Up Working for You

Yesterday was a rough day at work.  That is an understatement, but we'll go with it for our purposes here.  Since I work during the day I sometimes feel like I don't get to spend any time with The Boy.  So I always look forward to the end of the day when my mom brings him home from school to me.  I really wait for that moment all day sometimes.  Especially a day like yesterday.

So I see him through the window walking up the driveway shaking his head in an angry manner.  I open the door and go outside to greet him and say, "Hi Lovebug!"

  He looks at me and furrows his brow and yells "NO MOMMY!"  

Ummm...okay...  He looks at me and yells, "I go Gigi's house.  No Mommy."  

Gigi says in the background, "No honey, I told you we aren't going to Gigi's house today.  We have to go home and see Mommy."  At which point he repeated, "NO MOMMY!"  

He then stormed by me into the house and proceeded to go into his playroom and call for Gigi to join him.  I came in as well because I needed to vent to my mom about my evil work day.  As we were chatting, if The Boy ever caught my eye and made eye contact he would furrow his eyebrows and repeat, "NO MOMMY!"  This went on for about an hour and half before he would talk to me today.

Fast forward to right now.  Ask me where The Boy is.  He is at his Gigi's house.  Just as he requested.  And his Gigi is under instructions to not bring him back until he has adjusted his attitude properly.  And I got to come home from work, change my clothes, read a little bit of a magazine and update my itunes.  Then I decided it was probably time to get something to eat so I fired up the BBQ and cooked that wonderful pre-marinated Mahi Mahi from Trader Joe's.  Then I picked up the fresh bag of groceries that I had picked up on my leisurely drive home from work and made a fresh salad to enjoy with my Mahi Mahi.  If it wasn't a Wednesday evening I would be enjoying a glass of wine.  But tonight my water, and my salad, and my piece and quiet is just exactly what I needed.  Sometimes we need to give into our toddler's tantrums.  Because sometimes it ends up meaning a precious night alone for Mommy.  Go to Gigi's house indeed my boy.  We both had a lovely evening.

Well at least it still works

So finally, today being CD 19, I got a positive on my OPK. A little later than usual, but I guess that's a good thing considering my vacation plans for August. So now we just wait and see when the period arrives and start planning from there.

Now if I could only get a hold of my donor...

The benefits of having a small child

After playing outside in the yard and getting FILTHY, you can just throw him in the sink to clean him up before bedtime!